An explanation

On September 30th I posted that I was annoyed and never had the time nor the will to explain. A few of you have commented on it so let me try to remember what was "under my crawl" on that particular date.

Hmmm...I know part of it had to do with Steve. It had to do with my feeling...hmmm..."neglected" is not really the best word to describe it, really. Let's just say that I was upset at Steve's restrained shows of affection. He's uncomfortable with PDA to an extent that it, at times, makes me feel like he's ashamed to be with me. Very damaging to a relationship and to the old self-esteem. Actually, he's uncomfortable with affection in general, so I feel that I can't act freely with him, which is very frustrating and takes the joy and spontaneity out of our interactions. He goes hot, he goes cold, and I get confused. Actually...things have gotten a bit better in the past couple of weeks as far as his trust level for me. So maybe he'll warm up...and stay fucking warm!

The DJ that Almost Wasn't

On October 1st Steve called me after midnight and told me that they had yanked him from his radio shift given it to another jock who has been doing radio for 12 years, is lamer than lame, but kisses the station manager's asshole daily. Steve had poured his heart and soul into that show and had quite impressive ratings, actually the best in the Kanawha Valley for that time slot, but it was all taken away from him because of office politics. He had been demoted to only doing the station production and imaging. He was devestated and got drunk off of his ass, with my extreme disapproval, to numb himself.

His alcohol binge continued for a bit. The Saturday following his demotion we went to see a show in Huntington at the Stoned Monkey, and he drank himself over the edge of oblivion. I had to undress him and put him to bed...he had no idea where he was or who he was...and he did a few very unattractive things that night. During the next week or so, the poor guy began questioning whether or not he even wanted to continue in radio any longer. He had lost his direction in life. The bastards had broken him.

I was sure that "Regular Steve" was going to be retired, however Fate had other plans. One of the other jocks announced Monday that his last day at 105 would be 10/15/03...he had a better offer at another station. Being caught in a bind, management asked Steve to step up and fill in. He accepted, but on his terms. He now makes $4000 more per year, is salary, has medical insurance, paid vacations and holidays, and is permanent full time. Kick ass, baby! :)

This was just another reminder to me that life sometimes sends us what we've been looking and hoping for in ridiculous packaging.

Right Now

I'm half way through my mid-terms and so far I've made A's. I'm running on very little sleep and I'm still PMSing, but not so badly. I miss Steve and I'm very happy that he finally got what he deserves at work. I hope he quits constantly stressing and complaining about money now. If he does, I think our relationship will get better. I'm excited to see my friends this weekend. I've decided that I'm going to go on the Adkins diet either after Halloween or on Monday 10/20/03. I like my little apartment. I wish I had someone to sleep next to me tonight.

So I let crazy take a spin...

There are times when I truly hate being a woman. Mostly a few days out of the month, really, because of the chaotic emotional changes that occur during PMS that make it very difficult to deal with life. I've concluded that this feeling must be what a manic depressive individual with schizoid tendencies feels like daily. Today has been one of those days schizo when my emotionals have run the full gamut.

I took a nap after getting home from work and woke feeling disoriented, knowing that I had to study for my midterms which begin tomorrow. Then I think a little anxiety hit along with an extreme unwillingness to pick up a book of any kind. This only increased my discontent. I talked to Ben for a moment and I think I sort of felt a little jealous of him...starting a new life in a new and exciting place which appears to me to be overflowing with opportunity.

I started thinking about my life situation...and lonliness and despair hit me square in the gut. None of my best friends live in West Virginia any longer. I'm taking classes that I'm not enjoying at a college that I don't really want to attend, but forced myself to so that I would not become stagnant and overly comfortable. I've made little to no progress in my psychological and physical battle to lose weight and improve my self image. I'm in a relationship that is not entirely satisfying my needs...and I'm unsure if it has a future because of the instability of my partner's life and lifestyle. I've had to say goodbye to my ex-boyfriend who is my dear friend and more like an ex-husband. I'm 25 years old and I'm realizing that I want to be married within the next 5 years. I want to buy a house with my husband...and a new car...and have a couple of kids. And right now I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels.

God, what I would have given for someone to hold me earlier this evening. One would think that I should be able to call upon my boyfriend to serve me in this function, but Steve has his own drama in his own little wrapped up world, so I don't really rely on him for anything. So I ended up having a nice crying episode and then a nice long talk with Shawn's mother, Barb. She helped me make sense of a few things...put a few things in perspective. God bless that old she-bitch! :) I feel better now...not so overwhelmed and just a wee bit stressed.

I'm just so glad that I get to see my friends this weekend. It's been too long and I need some unbridled laughter and joy. Come to think of it, I believe Barkeep Chris had a supply of that in his liquor cabinet last time I was a guest at his fine establishment...Unbridled Laughter & Joy Whisky Liqueur Cordial (100 proof).

Today may be hard and you may feel like you can't continue...but tomorrow really is another day. Things can change tomorrow. I'll be fine. (Until the next time I feel crazy.)

and as soon
as you have
rearranged the mess
in your head
he will show up looking
sane
perfectly sane
if i know crazy

~Tori Amos from Crazy

Beginnings and endings...

I've spent the past week or so moving from my old apartment to a new one across the street. I'm now at 2432 instead of 2513. It's a lot smaller, but a hell of a lot cheaper, saving me $145 per month. It's quite cozy actually. I think I'm going to like it very much. :)

It was surprisingly hard emotionally to pack up and move out of the old apartment. I guess I didn't realize how much of a home it was for me and Ben. It wasn't a college apartment...it was our home. Leaving it was cutting that last relationship tie and it was hard. After the whole thing was clean I did a last walk through to make sure I hadn't left something in a cupboard or closet by mistake...and I said goodbye to each room. A few tears traced down my cheeks by the time I closed the door for the last time.

Ben left for Florida this week. Our last goodbye was very difficult. He left on Tuesday morning and I said goodbye to him on Monday. I started crying when he hugged me. He is my best friend and I'm going to miss him terribly. I regret that things did not work between us. There was a time when I only dreampt of being his wife and having his children...but that could not be. That dream died. Sometimes some things just can't be repaired...no matter how much you wish that they could.

Ben has opened a new chapter of his life, one that I hope will be happy and successful. And I'm moving forward with mine. In some regards it feels that our relationship was just a long dream and I've just come back to reality. I pray for happiness, peace, love, and whatever pain fate deems necessary for me to enjoy the rest.

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

~ Sylvia Plath from Mad Gril's Love Song

Grrrr.... *Christina is ever slightly annoyed*

It was such a beautiful day today. The sun was shining perfectly and the crisp, blue sky was speckled with islands of towering white clouds. I noticed as I was out that the leaves are beginning to change to yellow...to organge...to red. It finally feels like September outside.

Honestly, I think I've been a little impatient for autumn to get here. This time of year fills me with a sort of wistfulness. The smell of the air brings back images of me walking home from the bus stop after school, walking Marshall's campus in Huntington, raking piles of leaves and jumping in them when I was a kid...good stuff.

This weekend, on the whole, was nice. I went to visit my Uncle Charles in Lynchburg, VA on Friday. He had a stroke last Saturday, but he's doing pretty well considering. The right side of his body is numb, but he's able to move his arm and his leg with effort and concentration. His face isn't drawn, so that's a good sign. Actually seeing him put my fears to rest, but it's obvious that he's still very much afraid that he won't make a full recovery. I'll probably be making at least one trip per month to Lynchburg to give him encouragement and to lend support to my cousins. Charles is like a second father and my cousins are like siblings so I plan on being there for them as much as I can. On the whole, it was a nice visit...I just wish it was for different reasons.

I got back from VA late Saturday night and met up with Steve at the Comedy Zone and from there we went to the Sound Factory. We watched a local band called Split Nixon and they kicked fucking ass, biznatches! You can check them out at http://splitnixon.com. As Steve pointed out to me, the lead singer looks a hell of alot like Matthew and Gunner Nelson but his voice...my god!...his voice was awesome!! They actually did a couple Soundgarden covers and I when I closed my eyes I could've sworn that I was in the same room as Chris Cornell. It was that fucking good.

After the show we went back to Steve's apartment and I spent Sunday there as well. I just want to say that I am a very sexually satisfied woman. Steve Perry, I salute you!

Other news...my apartment is becoming too costly and it's really too big for just me, so I'm going to be moving...across the street. My landlady had a cheaper apartment come open so I think I'm just going to carry my stuff over there. I will also be killing my regular phone and getting a cell phone. I'll send out emails wih my new address and phone number to those of you whom I want to be able to find me.

Ben is moving in with Pat in Ft. Lauderdale in about a week. I wish you success and luck, Benjamin. I'll miss you.

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Steve called to wake me today, as he does most mornings, and we had a very productive discussion.

I told him he felt distant and stifled. I expressed my fear and doubt and my perception that his feelings of uncertainty had not yet been resolved. He stated that when he crept into bed with me on Monday morning and told me that he loved me and didn't want to lose me, that that was his nod to keep trying at this thing.

It seems so obvious now...but wrapped up in the fear that he birthed within me, I missed it. And so the problem of these past few days has been breathing within me. And it becomes clear how doubt and fear can strangle anything sprouting and struggling to grow. I must be mindful of this.

He also pointed out that perhaps I was hungering for a level of intimacy that we just haven't reached yet. I think this is true. This whole dating and new relationship deal is bewildering at moments. Especially for me, just having gotten out of a relationship that was more like a marriage than anything else. My whole view of the boyfriend/girlfriend thing is slightly skewed. I hope he'll have patience with me as I'm learning.

In time, he and I will learn each other's ticks and difficulties and, hopefully, we'll be able to avoid freak-out sessions like this one. God knows I can't take anymore drama. I'm too fucking old for this shit! Too emotionally exhausted by the past to deal with it.

For now the demons have been put into their slumber, and perhaps we'll be able to reach a nice peaceful vibe...and stay there for a while. I just have to remember to take life as it comes, to set aside my fears, and to be unafraid to burn, remembering that I will be one day be reborn wiser than before.

"All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love"

~ Sarah McLachlan from Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

On distance, desire, and comminication...

I've been in a strange mood the past couple of days. I'm a bit detached. I feel sort of like a snake, coiled up inside a tiny hole in my heart, peering out through my skin, and watching life happen around me. I'm a little little lonely now. I miss the openness of the connection that Steve and I had. It feels a bit stifled and distant. I most certainly hope that changes as it would be quite unfortunate to lose this beautiful thing that we've glimpsed together. I saw him for a bit on Tuesday night, but it was too brief. Yes...that's what's wrong with me...I miss the feel of his body next to mine in my bed. I miss that physical, mental, and emotional communion that we've touched upon.

I was reading previous posts this evening and stumbled upon this tidbit of wisdom:

"A friend pointed out to me once that happiness can only be found in yourself. The act of looking for happiness outside of the self, desire, causes pain and suffering. Once you become reconciled to what is, you find a certain contentment and peace. I keep forgetting that. It's so easy to forget."

And it seems that I have forgotten that again. I am happy with who I am, yet here I am feeling that there is something lacking. I suppose this feeling just stems from the fact that I've been looking for happiness outside of myself in the form of communion with Steve...and the fact that it may not work out invokes pain and suffering in the form of lonliness and this feeling of incompleteness. If only I could follow the good advice that I give myself, alas I am too much like Alice, fumbling around in my own little looking glass world.

Really, though, can one go through life completely focused on what is, and not give a care for what will be? I suppose if you have no desire whatsoever, then this would be possible. But what a boring existence...never to desire, never to reach out for more than what is. Hmmm...boring, perhaps, but less painful and dramatic. :) I suppose that if I could be happy always with the simple, quiet communion that I keep with myself, then it would work, but I cannot. I'm not built to be a buddhist. My soul is ever seeking communication and communion with others. Most of the world is the same, I think. And that is the inherent flaw in humanity and the reason for all of the suffering in the world. :)

I must reconcile myself to my failing, then. I yearn for communication, contact, communion...that's one of the reasons I keep this journal for the world to see. So why do I have this thirst for this commerce with others? It goes something like this: I have a great capacity to appreciate beauty in life and I take joy in and feel alive in those moments when I observe the beauty that is. When I am able to commune with and share that beauty with someone else, my delight is enhanced and I am surging, pulsing, throbbing, satiated with life. So I chance suffering for the hope of a brief euphoria. Sounds dangerously like an addiction to me. :)

I have ever hoped to find someone who can engage in this exchange with me. Someone who will allow life to be as perfect and as imperfect as it can be, yet be able to find the beauty in it all here along side me. Perhaps I have found him. Perhaps.

Time unfolds us.

"Twirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and, celebrate this
chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion."

~ Tool from Parabola

(Hot &) Cold Contagious

The past two weeks have been interesting, I suppose.

Last week Steve was going emotionally hot and cold on me and that was entirely unpleasant. Granted, he was very ill on Tuesday & Wednesday, so I must alllow him a certain sickness grouch factor...but there was more to this than a simple malady.

The long and short of it is that we had progressed fairly quickly in our relationship and he was feeling overwhelmed, unsure, and frightened by the thought of a serious and perhaps lengthy commitment. I most certainly understand his fears. I hardly expected to be involved with someone else so soon after ending my relationship with Ben...let alone to be so seriously involved. It is scary...but I've decided that I'm going to take life as it comes. If something presents itself to me and it's real and it's good, then I'm going to linger over it, enjoying it for as long as I can.

I told Steve that he needed to make up his mind as to whether or not he is willing to lower his defenses and trust me...and as to whether or not he's actually ready for a relationship of the type that I crave. I'm getting older and more impatient and I don't want to waste his or my time with something that's going nowhere.

I'm a bit uncertain about the whole thing myself now. Actually I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!!! I'm unsure as to how we'll interact from this point on. I fear that things may have already gotten too weird and we just won't be able to get back into a workable groove. There's a part of me that just wants to put the whole thing aside...it's the part of me that's tired out from stress with past relationships and that simply has very little patience left. And then there's the part of me that wants to believe, and try, and hope, and love.

I'm trying to gag the voice of doubt and let this optimistic part of me take control. Like Steve said, if we let this thing go without trying, we'll both regret it. And there are those things that I'm just not ready to lose...like his beautiful smile directed at me, his charming wit, the hot, sensuous kisses we share, the way it feels when we make love, and the way his body feels next to mine as we fall asleep. I'm far from finished...but now I'm afraid because he has made me afraid.

"but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like
better than to fall
but I fear

~ Sarah McLachlan from Fear

I have a small penis. So small, in fact, that it is sometimes called a clitoris.

A sort of birthday...

Today I am 25 years old. A quarter of a fucking century old. It's pretty frightening really, to think that a fourth of my life is spent. (If I'm lucky. Who knows maybe half or maybe nearly all of it is used up. Spooky.)

I slept in today and went out to eat with Steve at Bennigan's. My family members all called to wish me happy birthday today...but for some reason I feel a little saddened by this birthday. Twenty-five. *sigh* I think I'm just getting older and getting closer to settling down and having a family...and I'm afraid that I'll never do that, maybe. I want to be in love and happy and have stability and security. One of these days I will have all of these things, but for now, I suppose that the first two will have to do. :) Don't get me wrong...I'm not looking to get married or have a family right now. But within the next 4 or 5 years I'm going to be ready to be a wife and a mother. I never thought I'd utter that phrase, but there ya go. It's strange. I can feel the change coming over me. Whether it's a psychological process of maturation or mainly chemical with my hormones and body being driven to reproduce while I still can, I can't tell. I can just feel it.

On riding the wave...

As happy as I am with Steve, it looks to be a short-lived sort of happiness. He's getting paid shit wages at Rock 105 and he's been submitting resumes to other stations in bigger markets. He has an interview in Virginia in about a month and it's very likely that he'll land the position. I want him to succeed and he must certainly go if he gets the job, but it'll suck for me. A long distance relationship just won't be possible. I'm not built for one, nor is he. That will be the end of that. And so here I am, waiting to crash down.


"Sweet you rock
And sweet you roll
Lost for you
I'm so lost for you
You come crash into me
And I come into you"

~ Crash by Dave Matthews Band

With the help of some Gatorade, Pringles potato chips, and Mr. Perry, I was able to recover from my little hangover. Of course, my bender didn't do anything to cure the bladder infection. Nope. Instead it progressed into a kidney infection which kicked my ass on Saturday.

My side was hurting all Saturday morning at work and then I went over to Ben's to watch Spirited Away (which I really enjoyed). The pain kept getting worse and worse and became more focused toward my back right side. By the time the movie was over, I couldn't move without pain. I went to the doctor's office and sat alone, hunched over in a chair in misery for 2 and a half hours until they got me examined, diagnosed, and prescribed antibiotics. I then went to Rite Aid to get the Rx filled. While there, I walked around slightly hunched over with this sort of Ozzy Osbourne old man walk and everyone looked at me oddly, but I didn't care. I was in pain, damn it!!! By the time I got home I was crying, it was hurting so badly. I went to bed and the magic of Cipro, several Advil, and a night of rest put me back on my feet again. Oh yes, and the McDonald's food that Cyndi brought me. I know the power of the golden arches helped me somewhat though that ordeal. :)

On Sunday night I felt well enough to go to the Regatta to see the fireworks. It was a decent display...about 25 minutes long. The highlight of the evening, however, was when this 10 year old little boy came up to me and asked me, "Hey! Tall lady! Tall lady! Can I have you're phone number?" I looked at him and laughed and said, "Don't you think I'm a little old for you? I mean what could we possibly have to talk about on the phone?" He replied, "What? You can't be any more than 18! We'll have lots to talk about, as pretty as you are." I laughed at the sheer guts (or stupidity) that this kid had and told him, "Okay. My number is 4. Don't forget it!" He then said that he needed 6 more digits at which I said "buh-bye" and walked away. I felt very dirty after the whole exchange was through. I've been hit on my old men, by teenager, by scuzzy men, and by attractive men, but never had I been hit on by a 10 year old boy. I felt a little violated, I think.

I went back to work on Tuesday and thus far they haven't mentioned anything about firing me. :) It's become a joke around the clinic now that we're all daily playing "Dodge Box", trying to keep afloat one more day in that wretched place. *sigh* I remember a time not too long ago when I was passionate about my job. Now I'm just getting burnt out by bad management. What the hell does it matter if I do a good job? No one's going to notice! And I live in fear of getting fired for some petty reason every day. Oh well...I guess job security is just too damn boring for me. I'm living on the edge, baby. Woo haa.

What else? I started my graduate classes on August 28th, so I have started down the path toward obtaining my M. A. in Psychology. Huzzah!

And things are still going good with Steve. You know, we all have that little mental checklist of things that we're looking for in a romantic companion...and honestly I'm in shock at meeting someone who very closely fits my mental criteria. He's intelligent, career oriented, creative and talented in the arts, he's funny as hell, he's sincere and very straightforward, he responsibly pays his bills, he keeps a clean house, he cooks. He does all that and he treats me with respect, tries to take care of me, and tells me that he thinks that I'm beautiful, intelligent, and just plain special. Wow. So no wonder I agreed to date him exclusively when he asked me recently. What girl would pass up being treated like a fucking queen?

But now, I'm off the market again. I didn't think it would happen so quickly...but here I am. I'm a little skiddish. I don't really trust human nature in general. I'm sure things will fail eventually. All things must come to an end...all things will pass. I'm just going to ride the wave until it comes crashing down on my shore.

Oh dear god, I'm nauseous.

Last night I hung out with Ben and I was feeling a bit of the bladder infection coming on...and someone once told me that alcohol can help cure one of those...so I got drunk. I got painfully drunk while Ben and I played Soul Calibur II, which kicks mother-fucking-ass! So now I'm here...it's 5AM...I've taken all of my sick days and I'm sick as hell. Stupid, stupid bitch.

Steve came over this morning after getting off of work and he's taking care of me. He's a very good man like that. Well...he's back with something salty and some Gatorade...so I'm gonna go.

Let's see...last weekend Ben and I visited Shawn and Chris in Columbus at their new apartment. T'was lots of fun with all the drinking of beer and playing of cards.

On Saturday evening we all wound up sitting on the little patio, the boys reminiscing over old AD&D adventures while I simply listened and laughed at their stories. Chris and Shawn's Scottish/Irish personalities took over sporadically and they began talking in thick accents that made their words mostly unintelligible for short periods of time. During one such fit, Chris took off and threw his shoes, belt, shirt, and finally his pants over the patio fence out into the apartment's community yard. Shawn also took his shorts off and tossed them over the railing. Shortly after, Chris went running around the yard, babbling while collecting his discarded clothing and wearing nothing more than a pair of gray boxer shorts. Good times with good friends. This is what life is all about. :)

After my return to St. Albans, I met up with Steve. I really missed him and from his reaction to me upon my return, I know he felt the same. He and I vibe well together. Everything is so easy and uncomplicated at this point. I'm sure it won't stay that way...nothing stays simple for long. But I'm going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

Thoughts on Mr. Perry: The things that strike me most about this man is how genuine and humble he is. He's very straightforward...no pretention to him whatsoever...and I really respect that. He is someone who knows himself and is not afraid to be himself. I assumed, because of his career choice, that he would be a sort of cocky, self-centered kind of guy, but he's very humble and very considerate of others. I feel that I'm fortunate to know him.

Other thoughts: I miss my friends. I wish we all lived in the same city so I could just roll on over and hang out to my heart's content. Something in me feels a little lonely right now without them near.

Cyndi and Steve have kindly been updating me on just how much of an ass I actually made out of myself this past Saturday. I think I'm not going to go to the Comedy Zone for a few weeks in hopes that I'll be forgotten. Yes, it was really that bad. The account that I posted on Sunday was my recollection, but not the whole story. Apparently, I was fortunate enough to have large portions of my memory of the night erased by the alcohol. (I didn't need those brain cells anyway.)

One such embarrassment was when, according to Cyndi, I nearly started a fight with another drunken girl. It went something like this: I was standing talking to Brian at the bar and then he went in the back. While leaning against the bar two girls approach and the drunk one tries to order a drink from me. I look at them and say, "Do I look like a fucking bartender, bitch?" If Cyndi hadn't been quick to apologize for me, I could have had one drunk-ass, redneck wench beating me down. Also, I apparently went on a "your mom" humor rampage for about an hour while we were at Dwight's. I told Cyndi that her mom fucks lesbians or something to that effect. I also shook my ass at a few guys that were heckling me while I was dancing. I'm a class act, baby. Oh yeah. Real sexy. *sigh* I'm so fucking embarrassed!

Yeah...I'm pretty sure that it was as bad as New Years...except I was in public. Cyndi had two options: to get mad at me or to simply laugh at me. She chose to laugh (alot), God bless her.

I freaked Steve out a little, I know. I apologized to him for acting like an ass at a place where he was working and representing Rock 105. He shrugged it off like the kind soul that he is. :) I'm seeing him tonight for the first time since then. Four weeks into seeing each other and I may have killed it already! Wooohooo!!! Way to self-destruct, Christina!!! Well, he can't be too freaked out, I guess...he's still calling. (Stupid bastard. He has no idea what he's signed up for does he?)

I think I should come with a warning label: Warning! Delicately balanced chemicals within! Do not shake, prod, poke, annoy, or disturb in any way lest your left testical shrivel up and fall off!

Good morning!

So, why, you might ask, am I up so early in the damn morning on Sunday? Well I'm going to tell you!

I'm starting to become a regular at the Comedy Zone and I'm getting acquainted with one of the bartenders in particular, Brian. Brian is a very nice guy who has been bartending for about 7 years, lost his license due to a DUI, and wants to go back to school to become a nurse. Brian is a very good bartender and makes kick ass drinks!

Anyway, Cyndi and I went out to the Comedy Zone last night and being in a strange mood, (PMSing) I told Brian to surprise me on a few drinks. The first he brought was a Long Island Ice tea, which was very strong, so I was smiley by the time I got to the bottom of the glass. The next was a Purple Lobster which was de-fucking-licious and Cyndi took sneaky sips and drank about 1/4 of it. (Sneaky bitch! You're lucky I didn't shove my straw through your gosh-darned eye!) I digress...so, back to my ever exciting story...the next drink was a Sex on the Pool Table, which was also quite yummy. Cyndi out and out stole that one and I ended up drinking her Sex on the Beach. (Hey! Wait a minute! Stupid whore stole my drink!!!) I don't even know what the hell the next one was and I didn't care. By this point the comedians were fucking hilarious and I was fucking trashed as hell. Four little drinks and I was on cloud fucking zero-niner.

After the show I walked (which required much concentration at that point) over to say hi to Steve before he headed out with his friends. I don't really remember what I said to him. I'm sure it started like this: "Hi! I'm drunk!" Why is it that all drunk people feel that they have to announce to everyone the fact that they are currently intoxicated? I'm sure that the goofy grin, the glazed over look in the eyes, the slurred speach, and the inability to walk properly are a dead fucking give-away!!!

Anyway, Cyndi decided to take advantage of my drunk ass and got me out on the dance floor. I shook my groove-thang with the best and worst of them for several minutes. While dancing I was pleased to notice that there were mirrors surrounding the floor and I was able to watch myself dance. (Hey it takes very little to delight me anymore. I am a simple woman. "Mirrors! Pretty! Yay! Yay!") I've decided there are two reasons that the club put those mirrors up: 1 -- To let those that can actually dance but might have been slightly overserved watch themselves dance so that they can make sure they still look good doing it. 2 -- To call the attention of the people who are making asses of themselves on the dance floor to the fact that they are making asses of themselves on the dance floor so they can sit the fuck down! Luckily I was one of the former and actually have never been one of the latter. May I never ever go there.

So after getting a little sweaty, we walked back and talked to Brian while he was ringing in his tickets. I, being as nice as I am and as drunk as I was, volunteered that we would give him a ride home. After all, he had gotten me good and wasted, he also lives in St. Albans, I know he's not a psycho killer because Steve and I have given him a ride home before, so why the hell not give the guy a ride? While we waited he brought out cheese sticks. Some guy approached me and started hitting on me while Cyndi and I were chowing down. I got a little mischevious and started talking to him with my mouth full of food and chewing with my mouth open where he could see. I figured he'd get grossed out and wander away, but no. He probably didn't mind what was in my mouth at that moment and was concentrating at what he wanted to put in my mouth later. I finally told him that Cyndi and I were going to "take the bartender home" and gave him a wink. He laughed and gave Brian a pat on the back and called him the man or something like that and Brian played along. Well...it was true in a way. We were going to take the bartender home.

We danced again and then came back to see if Brian was ready and to my dismay Steve came back to say hi. He had been hanging with the comedians and, unfortunately, watching me dance. For some reason I never intended to let him see me dance...maybe because I'm afraid that I don't dance as well as I think I do. Anyway, I don't remember much of that conversation either. He had a Ramones t-shirt on and I think I told him that I had one like it and had almost worn it.

Finally Brian was ready to go and we all piled in the car. Cyndi required some food so guess where we ended up! Yup! That's right! My favorite restaurant in the whole fucking world, Dwights!!!!! I realized just how fucking trashed I was when I could barely read the menu. It took at least 4 seconds for me to make sense of each word and I was started to feel a little overwhelmed when the waitress came back to ask me what I wanted. I ended up ordering the next thing that I focused on which happened to be chicken quesadillias. That was lucky. It just as easily could have been brown beans and cornbread. I hate brown beans and cornbread, but I would have ordered it and had to eat it to save face.

We took Brian home and Cyndi brought me home. I made her come in with me to check for creepy people hiding in my house. You never know...the convenience store sniper could have given up sniping outside of convenience stores and taken up hiding in young women's closets and gutting them like fish in their sleep. It could happen.

After Cyndi left, I was still sort of awake so I decided to call up Chris. It was 1 something in the morning and I'm glad that he wasn't sleeping. I remember parts of our conversation...and I just want to say that I'm sorry for subjecting him to my drunken ass blathering. Thanks for being a sport, Chris, you old cock-eyed jackal, you!!

I passed out around 2:15 AM. Steve called at around 3AM and I never heard the phone ring. I was O-U-T. I woke up at about 7:45 sweaty and feeling like every drop of moisture has been sucked out of my body, topped off with a mouth full of dried mucus. Delightful! I staggered upstairs and downed two full 16 oz. glasses of water and came down here to type this thing. Before sitting at the computer, I took a moment to look at myself in the mirror. Damn, am I beautiful! I am one fucking hot chick with my mascara slightly smudged under my eyes and my hair all tangled and mussed from sleep. Dead Sexy!!!!!! I feel pretty good, however. For some reason I don't get really bad hangovers anymore...and I think that's partly due to the fact that I don't drink as much as I used to on my binges. I've learned my limits. I know what it takes to fuck me up and I stop after reaching that point. I think my parents would be so proud of me. :)

Well, I'm going to go upstairs and have one more glass of water and then I might try to get a little shut eye. Again, good morning!

Sorry for the silence. Life has been a bit busy and crazy lately. Where to begin? Well the night after I last posted, my friend Cyndi and I went out to the Comedy Zone in Charleston. There I ran into a guy I had met earlier in the month at my friend Nick's house...and he went home with my phone number.

A bit of history: The weekend of July 13th I stayed the night at Nick's. The next morning his friend Steve came over to take him to Lolapalooza in Ohio. I recognized Steve as the DJ "Regular Steve" from Rock 105.1 and ragged on him about not giving me a free CD or t-shirt the weekend before when Zac and I went to the Comedy Zone. We chatted for a few minutes and I left to have breakfast with Zac and Tator and that was that. Over breakfast I asked Tator if he knew if Regular Steve had a regular girlfriend or was he open to dating? (I know it's a lame joke...my excuse is that I am a dumbass and I truly need no excuse.)

Anyway, I have to drive past the radio station every day on my way to and from work. For the next couple of weeks when I drove by and saw his car there, I would think about leaving a mysterious little note with my phone number on it. But then I would come back to reality and think how fucking weird and psycho that might seem. (Crazy? I'm not crazy...well...maybe a wee, wee, wee bit.)

Anyway, while at the Zone with Cyndi on July 26th I was approached by Steve and he asked me to hang out after the show. We sat and talked for a while and then he invited us to go down to Mulligan's to hear a band. So a bit later I was sitting on a bar stool at Mulligan's enjoying the band and the company that I was keeping. Steve confessed to me that after meeting me at Nick's he had asked Nick to arrange a meeting between us. Nick simply gave Steve my phone number and told him to call me. So for the two weeks that I was thinking about leaving my number on his car, he already had it setting on his dresser at home but was simply too afraid to call for fear of seeming weird or psycho. :)

During our conversation that first night, I asked him his last name and he hesitated, winced, and said, "Perry". I instantly burst out laughing and broke into song: "Don't stop believing...hold on to that feeling...Street lights...People...". And then I said, "You're kidding, right?" His response: "Um...no...I'm not." I laughingly apologized for picking on him and then thought of Baseketball and couldn't help saying, "Steeeeeeeve Perry!". Luckily, he was amused.

Since the 26th, Steve and I have seen each other about every other day. He's a really nice guy, he treats me with respect, he's very driven to advance in his career, and he's funny as hell. We have a lot in common and from the beginning our personalities clicked. :) Of course, that's what usually happens whenever you first meet someone that you're interested in. Well...we'll see what happens. Am I ready for a relationship right now? I'm not really sure. But I'm just taking it as it comes...one day at a time...one moment at a time.

I finally got my blog working properly again! Hurray me!

My templet was very out of date so I got a new one...and modified it to look like my old one. What excuse can I offer? Change is difficult. The important thing is that it's working and you don't have to wait a century for it to load. :)

Thoughts right now....I'm tired. I'm a little lonely, but I don't mind being alone. I'd really like to fall in love again. I'd like to make love again, not simply have sex. I want to feel that moment of awe and power and life that comes with exploring and cherishing the one you love. I want that one to love me in the same awestricken manner. I had it once and it was beautiful. But we rarely appreciate those beautiful moments when we are experiencing them. I'm trying to learn to appreciate every little detail and occurance in my life. Wish me luck.

Jeez! Working out kicked my ass this afternoon!!!!
I figure if I keep this up, I'll have no fucking energy to do anything, but I'll look damn good! :)

A Sad Day at the Methadone Clinic

It is as I feared. Captain Random is no longer employed at the clinic. He called the Program Director today and called back to give me messages to relay to certain individuals. This whole "sitchie" pisses me off. There are counselors at work that are probably farther behind than he was...it's just dependent upon luck, I suppose. He just got nailed, poor bastard. I hope that he keeps in touch. I'll miss him. One thing is for sure, my vocabulary has been irrevocably altered through my daily interaction with him for the past 7 months. Words like "sitchie' (situation) and "dealio" (deal), "choo choo" (train) and "pee pee" (penis) frequently find their way out of my mouth now. Take care, Enrique! Watch out for the "peters" (patients)!

Christina vs. The Volcano

Earler, after munching down a bowl of Special K Red Berries, I began watching a show on volcanos on the History Channel and I ended up falling asleep on the couch. The show was messing with my dreams. I dreamt that Ben, Chris, Shawn and I were going through some magic portal that put us on top of a volcano that had cooled just enough to form a thin cap over the mouth. We all kept getting covered with ash and I was worried about the others getting buried for good. The weird thing was that it was freezing on the volcano top...the ash reminded me of snow, I guess. That and the air conditioner was on full blast upstairs. :) I woke up very confused about an hour ago with numb arms and a puddle of drool on my pillow. Well I'm going to bed.

Sleep tight and watch out for the mon chee chees!

I went out with a few girls from work and my sister and sister-in-law on Saturday night. We went to Chi Chi's and then filed down to Atlantis Night Club.

Dinner was great, however the club was lame. The Convertible Blondes were playing and they were somewhat entertaining, but overall being in the bar left a bad taste in my mouth. I was in a bit of a pissy depressive mood so I just sat back and people watched. As I looked around I saw nothing but lonely, empty people trying to fill that emptiness with alcohol, loud music, flashing lights, dancing, and the hope of taking someone home. And I was there with them...one of them. I went to have fun...to forget about my concerns and troubles and to lose myself in a few beers or on the dance floor. But I sat watching and realized how futile their search and mine truly was.

A friend pointed out to me once that happiness can only be found in yourself. The act of looking for happiness outside of the self, desire, causes pain and suffering. Once you become reconciled to what is, you find a certain contentment and peace. I keep forgetting that. It's so easy to forget.

So I'm just going to try to be happy with what is...to live in and be happy in the moment. And if I notice things I am unhappy with I will do what I can in the moment to change them...but I will not dwell on the future. And I will not dwell on that emptiness inside my chest. The more you dwell on it, the more you feed it, and the larger it becomes.

So I'll just ignore it. Maybe it will go away.

Here's another Saturday. I will attempt to amuse myself with the company of my family and the company of some ladies that I work with tonight, in hopes that I can rid myself of the bad taste that this week has left with me.

Captain Random

Work has been more stressful than usual this week due to some interesting decisions by management. First of all, my dear co-worker Eric will no longer grace the clinic with his peculiar humor and his eccentric ways. Due to being behind in progress notes and due to being not very good at this documentation, he is being let go by management. He was told of this possibility last Friday and has taken all of his sick days this week to ensure being paid for them. He has a doctor friend that owed him a favor and wrote him an excuse for the whole week. The poor boy mysteriously developed an inner ear infection that can cause nausea and vertigo.

I'm greatly annoyed at the reasons he has been giving for his imminent firing. Eric and I trained together and we were never trained in how to write a proper progress note. We were told to document what we did, but now how to do so. I, being extremely anal, took that to mean that we write every little detail. Eric, being not so gifted as I with the written word, took that to mean that we document what was done and very breifly what was discussed. About two months ago they threatened him with possible discharge and I sat down and taught him how to write progress notes. Since then he's been catching his charts up, but it seems like they already had their minds made up.

I approached his supervisor yesterday and asked how far behind he actually was. She told me most of his charts hadn't been written in since May. I pulled three of mine out for her and showed her that I too had not written in many of mine since May. She then said, "Well...your case notes are more detailed...". I pointed out that everyone was behind at least to May because of the case load. She floundered a little. This whole situation makes me nauseous.

Eric called me earlier in the week to get a feel for what was going on with management and to tell Kevin "the dealio". Everyone has been asking where he has been, and everyone is afraid that he's quit or been fired, and I haven't been able to tell them. He is the guy at work that can make you laugh no matter how upset you are. He's one weird motherfucker, that's for sure, but he's well liked. Morale is going to plummet when this news hits the rest of the staff on Monday. But what can you do?

Here's to you, Captain Eric Random, Driver of the Choo Choo! You will be sorely missed!

Catching up is hard to do...

I know you're all aware of the fact that my case load and every counselor's case load at work is ridiculous. As a result, we're all at least two months behind in documentation. I usually go in and work on Saturdays in an attempt to get caught up. Today I got up and went in as usual and I was told to either go home or get written up since it was not my assigned Saturday to work. How fucking ridiculous is that? It's not like I fucking claim it on my goddamn time sheet! I'm there because I have about 7 patients that only come in on Saturdays and if they get take-homes for two weeks, sometimes my designated Saturday to work is not the Saturday that they come in to get their medication and I end up missing them totally!!!!! I'm also there because Saturdays are valuable days in which I can write progress notes and file paperwork!!! It appears that they do not want to allow us to get caught up. It appears that I, Aeon Flux, may be following Captain Random out the door if this continues. Motherfuckers.

A few good men...

I met up with Zac, Tator, Patrick B., and Nick (a few high school buddies) at Nick's apartment in South Charleston last night. We sat arouind talking and drinking, while Nick and Zac took turns playing acoustic guitar and the rest of us sang along to the songs that we knew. I had one too many girly beers (Schmirnoff Ice) and wasn't fit to drive myself home so I crashed there. Zac, Tator, and I did the Bob Evans breakfast this morning, as Patrick and Nick both had to jet early in the AM.

It was a fun evening spent laughing, reminiscing over past good times, and bringing each other up to date on the current status of our lives. Now that I sit back and think about it, these guys remind me very much of my current close circle of friends. I think that Nick would be the Ben of our group, Zac is Pat Strick, Tator is closest in personality to Shawn, and Patrick reminds me very much of Ken. I find it intriguing that Patrick and Ken are similar intelligence and personality-wise and both happen to be Asian American (one Vietnamese American and the other Japanese American). Very interesting.

Of Pirates and Extraornidary Gentlemen

Ben, Cyndi, and I went to see The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Pirates of the Caribbean earlier yesterday. The League had pretty special effects and cinematography, but a horrible script. There were a couple of good moments of acting, but for the most part the acting was really, really bad. Very overdramatic. Dorian Gray intrigued me...but that might be just because he was sexy and not that his part was written well. Anyway, don't waste your dollars on this film.

Pirates of the Caribbean, however, was fan-fucking-tastic! Awesome special effects, wonderful acting, great battles and action sequences, and very witty dialogue. Johnny Depp was hilarious as the charismatic pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow...and damn! he was sexy even if he was disgustingly filthy and dirty. (I'd roll in the dirt with him any day.) Ben and I went with his family to see it again today. It's just that damn good. Shiver me timbers! Go now to yonder moving picture house and watch this movie, me harties! Lest you end up meeting your end in Davy Jones' Locker! Yo ho ho! A pirate's life for me!

You've got junkmail!

Sometimes I wonder why I even check my email. It seems like I only receive advertisements for "quick and easy" loans, Viagra, or porn these days. And no messages from my friends. *sigh*

G-lame-our Shots

Anyway, a few weeks ago a woman I work with hosted a Glamour Shots party at her home and invited everyone at work. She got half of the cost that we paid for our pictures, so I decided what the hell. I deeply regretted my spur of the moment decision to participate once I arrived and the stylists started slapping coats of makeup on my face and teasing my hair up to the ceiling. But I got through it somehow....even though the photographer made me pose in one of the pictures with shoulders bare and a black cowboy hat placed over my ample bossoms so it looked like I was naked. I protested, but he forced me anyway, saying that I might marry a real country boy one day. "Not likely", was my cold reply.

Today our pictures came back and we again went to Jay's home so the salesman could tell me how gorgous I look in the photos and attempt to convince me how badly I need to "treat myself" to at least a $100 set of proofs, if not a $300 full set. My initial reaction when I saw my pictures was an uncomfortable laughter and I thought, "These look nothing like me! I look so fake!" They printed out 4 8x10s and the rest were on smaller sheets. I actually liked one of the ones on smaller sheets, however the guy wouldn't sell only it to me. I got an 8x10 free, however, I didn't really like any of them. But free is free, so I chose the one that I felt epitomized my Glamour Shot experience. I have a blue feather boa wrapped around my shoulders and I'm looking back over my shoulder and the look on my face says, "I can't believe I'm doing this. If I have to take another picture I'm gonna shove that camera so far up your asscrack, mister, that you'll be shitting Kodak for weeks!"

For a second there I was almost tempted to buy the proofs just so I could have that one picture that I liked. It's so pitiable that one moment of my personal beauty should mean that much to me that I would spend such a ridiculous sum of money to obtain a record of it. Either I'm very, very vain or I have very low self-confidence and was trying to cling to that fleeting moment of prettiness. I think it's the latter. How lame is that?

I think I was a tiny, wee bit annoyed when I posted last.

Anyway, the boys recovered nicely and everything worked out. Between swimming in a salty hotel pool, fitting five people in the hot tub in our room, getting scorched playing mini golf, and taking a refreshing dip in Salt Fork Lake we had a great time. Or at least I did.

I came back with a couple of goofy pictures and a stupid-ass sun burn on my shoulders and neck. Yup, I have a sun burn collar. There goes any chance of wearing a low cut shirt any time soon...at least until I get this tan line straightened out.

I've been thinking about my spiritual direction and my direction in life for the past few days. One of the new guys at work witnesses to me the other day...told me that God loves me, always has, and always will in spite of wrongs. I'm so tired inside and hearing his message made me cry...and made me wish that I could believe in it again. I even prayed on the way home. I can't remember the last time, before that, that I had prayed.

I'm just very tired of being mostly unhappy. I know that happiness can only be found in myself, but I'm not sure where to start. There's so much gunk and muck that I'll have to dig through...it seems an insurmountable task.

Clinic News

One of my patients who has tested positive ever since admission for benzos and cocaine in addition to his methadone, produced a clean drug screen for me last week. I was astounded! I only hope that he didn't fake it somehow. But he's been coming to counseling sessions lately...he normally comes with some excuse why he can't sit and talk. He's working, he got a much needed hair cut, and he actually appears sober when he comes to see me. And what brought about this great change? I asked him what the hell he thought he was doing. I pointed out to him that although he had not used opiates since he was admitted, he was still abusing drugs, and still not in control of his life. I told him that since he wasn't taking the program seriously, I wasn't taking him seriously and decided that if he couldn't sober up within a month, I was asking for an administrative discharge. And it worked. I'm going to screen him tomorrow, I think and see if he's still clean. I've got my fingers crossed.

I checked in with my friends this morning to see what the plans are and where this lake is exactly that we're supposed to be going to and I learn that Shawn tried to make reservations but none were available. He told this to Chris and somehow Chris didn't bother telling any of the other interested parties that no reservations had been made and the plans are up in the air. Good job boys.

So here I am scrambling to find a reasonably priced room and calling everyone to make sure we still want to do this thing. It sucks to be the only responsible one. It sucks to have a group of apathetic friends. My life is truly lame.

I need to start over. If reincarnation really does happen then maybe suicide is the answer. I'll have to ponder that.

We ended up eating at Chi Chi's. So far no one has developed a burning ring of fire, though we all admitted to being quite "Salsafied!" by the end of the meal.

Pat called from Princeton while we were eating and said he expected to be in Charleston in an hour and a half. Miraculously he arrived after we were finished and waiting for Ben to finish his last beer. He followed some people who were driving 95 mph on the turnpike. As he said, they were probably stealing the old lady in the passenger seat and trying to make a clean get away. Why are people always stealing old ladies? You can buy a perfectly good old lady, all your very own, for $5.00 on the black market in Chicago. Why do you have to steal one when you can buy one? It's shameful.

Anyway we saw the fireworks...and they were lame. After the not so grand finale, we drove to Atlantis to find it very, very dead and also very lame. It was then that we decided that Charleston was lame altogether and decided to call it a night.

I'm guessing that Ben and Pat are playing computer games now. And I'm sitting here in my underwear in front of my computer. I think my life is lame.

Oh well, tomorrow we're going to head up to New Martinsville or New Martinsburg to hang out at a lake or something like that. Hopefully that will prove to be enjoyable. There should be alcohol involved because Chris will be there. (Chris doesn't go anywhere without a cardboard box full of alcohol in the trunk of his car.) And we all know that alcohol makes everything better. Alcohol and swimming. Sounds like a safe combination to me.

Here it is, the 4th of July. A day of familys, cookouts, fireworks, and Oscar Mayer weiners.

I spent the morning with Wayne, Cheryl, and Megan. Megan, who turned two years old on June 29th, recently got her first "big girl bed". She grabbed my hand and took me back to her bedroom to show it to me as soon as I walked through the door. And then, of course, I had to get in it and cover up with her. She patted the headboard and said, "Meg's big girl bed". A moment later she decided that we'd sat still long enough and said "Chris, up!" and pulled me back out to the living room.

My poor brother has a cold. His voice has taken on a very deep raspy quality...he sort of sounds like Johnny Cash. I told him this and he sang" I fell into a burnin' ring of fire...I went down, down, down...And the flames went higher...And it burns, burn, burns..."

Tonight Ben and Kelly and I are going to get some grub and then watch the fireworks. Kelly and I plan on going to Atlantis afterwards to shake our booties, but I'm not sure of Ben's intentions. At any rate it should be fun, fun, fun. Unless we get food poisoning or diarrhea. Then it might burn, burn, burn, like a burning ring of fire.

Bring on the Pain(killers)

Good news...my tonsils are no longer huge-nasty swollen. Bad news...my wisdom tooth in the lower back left of my mouth is trying to push through the skin of my tender pink gums. And it hurts like a bleeding ugly bitch.

I guess I really can't complain as I keep forgeting to make an appointment with a dentist. I suppose I'll have to have oral surgery done. And I'll probably get prescribed some opiates. Most likely Vicodin...maybe even Percocete or Lortab. So the question will be, do I take these pills knowing how addictive they are? Or do I just grab some Tylenol? If I take them as prescribed I should be fine, right? A typical Rx usually goes something like this: Take no more than 1 tablet 2 times daily as needed. Of course I now understand that taking 1 tablet 2 times daily as needed really means crushing and snorting as many pills as needed to make me fly like the Wicked Witch's fucking winged monkies.

You can find me at the club...

I went out this Saturday with my friend that I've known since elementary school, Zac Wright. We went to the Comedy Zone and to Atlantis. At the Comedy Zone, the Rock 105 DJ who was hosting caught my eye...Regular Steve, I think it was. He's quite a hottie...but he's probably an ass and that's the last thing I need right now.

I got to see Lumpy at the club and I let him know how sorry I was that he was fired. And I finally got to see the band that Lump has been raving about for months...The Convertible Blondes...they were an okay cover band. The lead singer is a chick who used to host Kid's Mag. Remember that show? Anyway, they sang a cover of Heart's "Baracuda" and it was fucking flawless! I mean flawless! Her voice is very strong and versatile, but on the whole the band is mediocre. And their original stuff sucked.

Anyway, it was nice to see someone from home and I had fun...though I wonder if Zac survived the shock of hanging with me. I'm not quite the same girl that I was when I left high school. I've...blossomed...or mutated. I'm not sure which is a more accurate term. :)

A Birthday

Ben turned 26 on June 22nd. Happy Birthday Ben!!!!! You dinged! Woot!

Chris, Shawn, Ben, and I all went to Waves of Fun, a wave pool in Hurricane, on Saturday. It was a wee bit chilly as it was overcast for most of the day. I swam around for a bit, but my cold started sapping my energy so I got out and covered myself with towels for the rest of the day in a vain attempt to warm myself.

It was a little depressing because we were the oldest people there that were not parents brining their children. Shawn, Ben, and especially, Chris were eyeing the young girls in bikinis, acknowledging the fact that indulging their fantasies would mean a jail sentence...and questioning whether or not that jail time would be worth it? I kept scolding them, "Guys! She's probably only like 15!", but I was in no position to talk. After retiring to the towels on the lawn, I found I had nothing to do but people watch. I observed teenage courtship and love at its finest and most sickening. I also observed many young, attractive males. I was especially fond of a couple of the lifeguard boys. I was a little shocked when I realized that I was actually guilty of ogling these 17 or 18 year old boys. "Pedofile!", I thought to myself, "You nasty, nasty dirty old woman!" I still feel a little dirty.

Ben bought himself a Game Cube that night and the boyz played it while I snoozed on the couch. On Sunday we all watched Old School, which was pretty fucking hilarious, and we had some Incredible Hulk ice cream birthday cake. All in all it was a good weekend.

I hope it was an okay Birthday, Benjamin! Again, Happy Birthday!

Get Down with the Sickness

I'm down with the sickness.

My tonsils have swollen to the size of golf balls and I was wicked crazy delirious yesterday evening. I went to sleep and slept one of those twisty, turny, nightmarish, fevered sleeps, waking periodically to take a sip of ice water that I somehow put beside my bed. Lucky for me that I didn't have to go in to work until 1pm today, due to being volunteered to stay and watch the carpet guys lay some carpet at work. (hehehe...carpet)

I'm not delirious anymore...but my throat still hurts like a bitch. I hope Tylenol Flu will do the trick because I really fucking hate taking antibiotics. It's a little known fact that antibiotics are actually made with sperm and can make you pregnant. And I really can't afford to be a single parent.

Healing

I hung out with Ben this afternoon at his pool in the ghetto of Charleston. Actually it was a really nice facility...I was impressed. It started raining so he got off early and I took him to Greenbreir Street to witness the flood damage and then we had ice cream. He actually got his diploma today, which was nice to witness. :) I'm proud of him. He took it home to his mom this evening...I remember how excited I was to show my mother mine. :) In short, it was a good day and I know that we're going to be fine as friends.

Ben had run into an old girlfriend from high school or junior high the other day and they went out this week. I was taken a little by surprise, I guess, at how quickly he sought another connection. It was a little difficult and strange initially, but I'm cool with it now.

Also, I was a little down earlier this week because I found wedding vows that I had written for us back in 1999 when I was marriage crazy. They were actually pretty good. I would share them but that's a little too private, even for me, the Queen of TMI. I had to cry for a second when I found them...for the hope and the dream that has been lost. I kept them though. That's a moment in time when I loved very deeply and truly and it's something that I don't want to forget.

What Would Jesus Eat?

The other day while dining with Matt and Cyndi we all came up with a restaurant idea: What Would Jesus Eat? It would be a tastful Christian-themed family dining establishment. We even came up with a few menu items. For example, Fishes and Loaves...a fish sandwich large enough to feed the masses! The Johan Burger...it's a whale of a burger! The House Salad...fresh from the Garden of Eden! Or Adam's Rib Platter...once you're done with this meal you'll feel like you've grown a whole new person! The Last Supper...an 84 oz. steak and baked potato...if you finish this meal it actually might be your last supper! Noah's Sampler Platter...a flood of taste sensations with all of your favorite appetizers served two by two, of course! (unicorn bread, $0.75 extra) And don't forget desert! Eve's Apple Temptation...so sinfully delicious you'll give up paradise on earth for a bite of this delectable treat!

It could happen. No, really, it could!

Cry Me A River

God, I'm tired...but I'm alive and that's all that matters.

Today I was trapped at work for a bit as torrential rains fell and turned the road below the clinic into a rushing river. It rained all morning and I honestly thought that I would be spending the night at the treatment center with no heat and worst of all...no food! I kept eyeing my coworkers, wondering who would be the first to be cannibalized in the instance that we were stranded there for several days. I finally decided that Joey, a very quick-witted young gentleman who developed a limp due to a spinal injury a few years ago, would be my best bet. Easiest to catch. :) I mentioned it to him, audibly musing what "leg of Joey' must taste like.

A few of the patients were stranded with us and they ended up sleeping downstairs in the lobby. For the most part everyone stayed calm. One patient and his girlfriend decided to brave the road in their blue Mustang...a few minutes after their attempt we saw the car abandoned with water rushing all around it. The couple made their way back to the center physically unscathed, but received quite the tongue lashing from their respective counselors upon their return.

I mostly sat in my office, attempting to work by the light of the tiny cherry scented candle that one of my young female patients left me upon her transfer to the clinic in Huntington. If I didn't keep busy I was going to flip out or fall asleep. And I was getting paid to be there, after all.

At about 11:00am the rain let up a bit and Eric went out scouting in his Jeep to check the road conditions. He returned at 11:45am stating that we should be able to reach the Interstate via the town of Big Chimney. So at noon, after receiving leave from the Program Director to head home, I jumped in my car and followed Eric off of the hill.

The road was covered with shallow pools of water about every 20 yards and about a mile down the road we found a bridge, with the asphalt all buckled and broken, nearly ready to collapse. We had no choice but to cross it and luckily we made it. After reaching the Interstate, one couldn't even tell that there was a state of emergency at all. The city of St. Albans looks as peaceful as ever...just very damp from the heavy rains. It was sort of surreal and hard to believe that just 20 miles in the opposite direction people's homes, businesses, and roads were all being destroyed by raging floodwaters. Scary shit, man.

A Change

I’ve been avoiding this post for a while now. But I can’t hide forever.

Ben and I separated on Memorial Day weekend. Last weekend I told him that I didn't think it would be healthy for us to continue our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. Now we are in the process of learning how to let go of the past relationship and morph it into a friendship.

We had a very difficult, but beneficial talk last night about the whole thing. Ben has been very unaccepting of the whole situation and didn't understand my reasoning, and in fact, felt that I didn't use reason at all in my decision. There's reason here...but also a ton of emotion. You can't escape emotion when dealing with matters of the heart.

Last night Ben asked me to explain my perspective and reasons for breaking up to him. I explained that after fucking up in the beginning, I finally came to my sense and tried to make things work. I decided that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life and I put everything I had into the relationship. Actually, we both put every bit of ourselves into our relationship to the point that we each lost a part of our individual identities and we became very unhealthily dependent upon each other. Instead of Christina & Ben we were ChristinaandBen...one entity...rarely apart...hardly existing without the other half.

Ben's depression kicked in and grew pretty black as he was trying to deal with our situation as well as the imminent loss of his father to prostate cancer. He made attempts, that he felt were attainable at the time, but maintains that his mental state limited him from actually succeeding. I did my best to be understanding and supportive, however I am only human and I know that I failed at times and instead became critical and nit-picky. I expected him to maintain employment and pay his share of the bills in a consistent manner while also dividing the housework with me. He was unable to do this.

For a while I accepted this, blaming myself mostly for his mental state. I tried to be supportive and tried not to push him before he was ready. ( I know I didn't do a great job of the not pushing thing, but again, I'm only human.) I eventually began mentally tearing myself down for my past transgressions and I ripped myself to the point of zero self-esteem.

In October of 2001 I hit a breaking point. There was not enough money in the checking account to pay the bills and my check would only add a little more. We had gone through my entire savings because he had no income, but I still continued to pay the bills. I finally broke down and issued an ultimatum that if things didn't change that our relationship would end. (I didn't put a time limitation on this threat.) Somehow this low allowed me to finally start to forgive myself. I realized that I had reached the bottom and could go no further. I simply couldn't continue to tear myself down and still survive. So I started to forgive myself.

Things got better for a while...some things stayed a bit improved. However, for the most part, old patterns reemerged. The more that I forgave myself and stopped laying blame on myself for everything, the more I found that I grew angry at Ben everytime he did something that I felt wronged me. In other words, I started laying blame and anger where blame and anger was due.

Finally in January of 2003 I stated simply to Ben that our relationship would not last out the year, maybe the summer, if things did not change and soon. He acknowledged me and promised to change. Attempts were made in February and changes were made in March and April. The unfortunate truth is that I had mostly lost the will to try by the end of February...and all the little things that he changed didn't matter anymore. And when he would point out the fact that he had cleaned the living room or washed the dishes, I would only feel frustrated with him, thinking, "Why should I congratulated you for something that you should have been doing all along?" It eventually became too much and it all came gushing out the middle of May.

I understand that Ben has been trying for years. I understand that he has been in an extremely difficult position, having his girlfriend hurt him in such a way and then losing his father and grandfather in the same year. Perhaps I am not patient or understanding enough. Perhaps I am unreasonable. Perhaps this is all very unfair. I cannot change my past failings, though I have tried to for years. I wish I could give him his father and grandfather back...but I can't. I have tried to be understanding and loving and patient and supportive. I did my best to be the partner that he needed, just as he did his best to be the partner that I needed. Somewhere in there we missed and failed each other and for that I am sorry. I would much rather not be walking this path that I am on if there were any other way to be true to myself.

I admit that I made a mistake in the breakup. This is the one thing that I regret. Initially, when we broke up I should have left it at that, but I still had the tiniest sliver of hope that my heart could change if some of the stress was alleviated. So I asked him to move out and we agreed to date. Honestly, neither one of us wanted to let go because we did and do still love each other very much. Once I was alone and could clear my mind to think, I realized that I did indeed feel less stressed, more peaceful, and happier. I also noticed that my heart did not change when I was near him...I realized that nothing he could do at this time would change my heart because I had lost respect for him. I knew that I needed to gain that back before I could ever love him the way I needed to to plan on being his sole companion and wife. So I had to let him go. I realize that it would have been much more fair to him to just do the breakup rather than raise the hope that we might continue to date. But I've never done this before...I don't know what I'm doing. The last thing I want in the world is to hurt him...

We had a good talk last night out in the middle of the street in front of Matt and Cyndi's house...until half past midnight. He had gone over and over the situation stating that it had been a waste...that it had been all for nothing. After our talk we both realized that even though the outcome was not what we had planned or hoped for, it had not been a waste. We have grown so much together over the past 6 years. We have learned so much. We have become better people. We have established a friendship that will never fade. We have established a friendship and love with our circle of friends that is very much like the bond a family shares. We are better people because of knowing and loving each other. How can anyone ever call that a waste?

One thing remains and always will. I love you, Ben. I truly do and I want you to be happy, but I'm not the woman who can do that right now...and I don't know if I'll ever be her. We need to become strong as individuals again...we need to get ourselves back. And who knows? Maybe years down the road we'll fall in love again. But I won't pursue a relationship with you until I feel that it's right. You are my best friend and I never want that to change. That's why we have to work on that now and transform our relationship from one beautiful, but fading romance into a beautiful, vibrant, and very much living friendship.

One and all may rejoice in the news that I've finally recovered from my gastrointestinal difficulties! Huzzah!

I just finished a two day training in crisis intervention and prevention today. We did some role plays and skits and stuff. Pretty entertaining. I got to be belligerent to Cyndi while roleplaying as a patient...I called her a dirty bitch from hell and said "fuck" a lot. (hehehe)

My program director asked me today if I wanted to take her place at a seminar on Thursday in Morgantown, WV and I agreed. I'm going up with two other staff members, Kevin and Val. I suppose it's a good thing that she asked me to go. It makes me a little nervous honestly. :) I find myself wondering, "Why me?' Eric is constantly saying that I'm on the KA Team or Kiss Ass Team, but I don't kiss ass goddamnit!!! I'm nice to fucking everybody all the fucking time, miserable sons of bitches!!!!!!!!

Anyway, it makes me wonder if she's eyeing me for advancement in the company. While I know that should feel excited at that prospect, it makes me a bit nervous. I guess that just shows my lack of confidence in certain areas. Be positive! Keep it together! Keep it together!!

Well...I'll write more later when I can organize my thoughts.

Chris G. out.

I've been busying myself with cleaning up the apartment. Sunday night I finished moping all of the floors and making the bathrooms spotless. All of this effort only to blow chunks everywhere on Monday night. Yup, that's right. Projectile vomitting. Yummy. :) Apparently I contracted this nasty stomach virus from Ben over the weekend and I ended up spewing bits of my 6 inch Subway Turkey sub all over the downstairs bathroom. After I puked I was so pissed that my bathroom was dirty after I had just cleaned it, so I spent 2 hours cleaning it again. A little psycho? Maybe.

I've been nauseous for the past two days...and counting. Yesterday I was actually able to eat and keep down a Biggie Fry from Wendy's and today a Baked Potato. I'm hungry now but I'm honestly afraid to eat because I feel only slightly nauseated right now. Why fuck with it if it's still sort of working?

But I must thank Ben. Since I've been ill I've lost 7 lbs. I'm back down to 190. After I'm well, I'll just have to hit the gym every evening and melt away 30 some more lbs.

Let's see...anything exciting happen at work recently? Of course! There's always excitement at the methadone clinic!!!!

Item #1: This chick had a seizure last week and we had to deal with that. She claimed that her boyfriend had been beating her so we were trying to place her in a local women's shelter, and BAM! she falls out of her chair and goes into a stress induced seizure. We called 911 and kept her from choking or hurting herself. After she recovered and the paramedics were checking her out, she asked us to make her abusive boyfriend, who was still waiting for her in the car, leave. So Eric and I walked out and thugged him. After a few minutes of reassuring the guy that we weren't holding her against her will, etc., he finally left. Excitement.

Item #2: My supervisor, a 350 lb. man who looks like either Fat Bastard from Austin Powers or the Titan of the Wizard of Oz Munchkins and who likes to be called by the nickname Lumpy, was fired today. He was suspended last week for making some harrassing comments a few months ago to one of the nurses about her affair with one of the male counselors. The nurse is or was sleeping with the male counselor. The male counselor is sleeping with a female counselor. So Lumpy asked the nurse a few months ago if she liked the way the female counselor's vagina tasted. (Basically he was saying that when you kiss someone you're kissing everyone...or everything that that person has kissed.) I agree that this is a really crude comment, but you must understand that this type of humor runs rampant at the clinic. The staff, for the most part, is like a huge group of friends and jokes are thrown back and forth. This comment made by Lumpy was a joke and was taken as a joke at the time it was said. However, the nurse got angry with him at some point and decided to try and get him fired. And I think the thing between her and the male counselor fizzled out and she was pissed. So he was suspended and he was demoted to being a simple counselor again. But today he got the dreaded "Box". Well, I liked Lumpy. He was a good supervisor and he will be missed.

I honestly don't know if there's more drama happening in the life of the staff or the patients. :) Sad, isn't it?

The past two days have been easier. I'm adjusting. And it actually feels like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Now I get to figure out who I am, what I want, and where I'm going.

I saw Bruce Almighty tonight and it was pretty fucking funny. I don't think I've laughed out loud that much in a movie since American Pie. It gets a little slower and sappy toward the ending...a bit predictable, but nonetheless very entertaining. :)

I was thinking about going to see Wrong Turn...you know, the movie where some teenagers get lost in West Virginia and a bunch of crazed hillbillies attack them. Being born and raised in West Virginia, I can really relate. I mean there isn't a week that goes by that I don't get attacked by a pack of crazed, inbred mountain men.

This living alone stuff is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Ben and I went and worked out at the Nautilus yesterday afternoon. After that we grabbed a healthy Subway dinner and went shopping at Kmart. (I needed knives. Never know when you're going to need a good sharp knife to chop someone...um...er...something up.) (I bought the 14 piece Martha Stewart knife set. When has Martha ever steered me wrong in the past?)

Anyway, after Kmart we said our goodbyes and went on with our individual evenings. I came home and worked at cleaning the living room. And god was I lonely. It's hard to adjust to total silence when you're used to hearing the constant clicking of the computer keyboard. I do miss Ben...but I know that this decision that we made is the best one for both of us. We need to grow as individuals for a while. After we resolve the conflicts within ourselves maybe we can piece back our relationship. Maybe.

I'm not unwell...I'm just fucking crazy.

I hate PMSing. I'm at the stage right now where I'm having violent mood swings. I recognize that it's happening but I have no power to control it. One second I'm laughing and having fun and the next I'm crying and yelling at Ben and the next I'm laughing maniacally. I miss sanity.

The high stress of the events of this weekend most certainly aided in weakening my mental stability. Ben moved his stuff out on Saturday with the help of Shawn and Chris. We all then drove down to HInton and spent the night with Burnsy. Sunday morning we yanked our collective ass out of bed to go whitewater rafting on the Upper and Lower New River. That was exciting and terrifying all at once. More excitement this trip than last and not as cold. But still a little cold. Our guide flipped our raft on purpose on a Class 2 rapid. Ben and Shawn kept trying to fall out of the boat. I guess they didn't like it there.

Ben says we need to go to Taco Bell. Mmmm...Chicken Enchilada Bowl.

I saw the Matrix Reloaded yesterday with Ben and my coworkers. Overall I enjoyed it. The beginning of the film was mostly special effects with a little bit of plot. The fight scenes with Neo at the start hold no suspense. He pretty much whips 'em silly and fucks 'em stupid. There's a pretty pointless sex scene with Neo and Trinity while all the other people at Zion are attending a sort of tribal rave/dance party. The last 20 minutes of the film actually gets pretty exciting and just when it gets really interesting..."To Be Continued". Now we only have 6 months to wait to figure out what happens.

As many of you know, Ben and I have had a very turbulent relationship. Recently I have been doubting whether or not we should continue and expressed this to him. After many hours of discussion, arguing, agony, crying, and holding one another we've decided to start dating again. We're going to seperate...Ben is going to move out and we're going to try to start over in the relationship. If we are successful at rebuilding the damaged parts, we'll eventually move back in together. If we are unsuccessful, it will be easier to let go and remain friends because we won't be dealing with the pressures of living under the same roof.

Ben, we have been through hell and back. You have been my constant companion and lover. You are my best friend and I never want to lose that. Your touch in my life has helped make me the woman that I am. For the first time in a long time I have hope for us. :) I love you. Thank you for loving me.

I'm so tired. And depressed. And my throat hurts again.

I'm just going to go to sleep now. Bye.

Sometimes I think that I'd like to fade. To disappear just a little. And silently watch everything going on around me. To watch everyone living and being as they are with themselves. To watch the day unfold like it does whether anyone is watching or not.

I'm three shots of vodka into the drinking and holding. The good news is that my tongue doesn't hurt anymore....the bad news is that the left side of my throat still hurts a bit. I really need to get some rest.

I watched my niece this morning. Everytime I'm with her she wins me over more and more. You've never witnessed anything as beautiful as a growing and unfolding life.

I saw a lady in the theater tody that had gone to watch X-Men alone. She sat in the very upper right hand corner of the theater. As I noticed her I felt a sort of pity for her. There I was surrounded by my friends and she was all alone and I thought, "How sad she must be!" And then I realized that she may very well be content with her situation and it was presumptuous of me to assume that she was miserable. A person alone can be complete and totally happy. A person surrounded by others can feel totally desolate and alone. A smile doesn't indicate happiness and vice versa. Never jump to conclusions. Never assume anything.

Ben, Ken, Shawn, Chris (Ken's bro), and I saw the second X-Men movie today. It was pretty fucking groovy. Kinda lost a little momentum there at the end but overall it was a good flick. Magneto was awesome. I'll agree with Ben that Mystique was developed a bit more in this movie and she's a pretty bad ass character. Nightcrawler kicked much ass. And Wolverine is stil as sexy and as aggressive as ever. I was impressed with Jean Gray's character this time and look forward to seeing what becomes of her in the next film. :)

I forgot to mention yesterday the fact that I had strep throat a week ago. I went to the doctor and got 7 days worth of antibiotics and I was doing well...until today. For whatever reason I still have blisters or bumps on the back of my tongue and my throat just started really hurting again today.

So tonight I decided to take shots of vodka. That always helps when you're sick, right? So far I've had three. Ken, Shawn, Ben, and Janice are upstairs drinking and watching Jackass the Movie. I think we're going to play Scrabble later. I'm sure I'll pass out in about a half hour because I got up at 3am to go to work. (when I didn't have to, of course.) So much for my grand plans of going to the club and chilling with my coworkers.

Maybe next life.

I've been a little less faithful in my posting lately due to a lack of anything amusing or interesting happening in my life. It's pretty dull these days really. I get up...go to work...come home...eat dinner...clean or do chores and then fall into the oblivion of sleep. Day after day after day.

Sometimes fun things happen at work. Like this last week I had CPR and First Aid training. I am now certified and have the ability to save someone's life if they go unconscious or stop breathing....maybe. I say maybe because it was a rather rushed class and the instructor didn't much seem to care if everyone was doing everything right or not. I was actually interested in learning this stuff so I actually paid attention...but others just slept. And their performance with the dummies showed it. So sad, really.

Anyway, fun things....um....oh yeah. As I walked up to the dummie to take my turn my earring fell out of my ear and into the dummie's open mouth. My instructor said, "We haven't gotten to the choking portion of your training yet!" My he felt very clever after that comment. Good for him.

Whenever anything interesting happens in my personal life it's usually a bad something. Like my mother's recent galbladder attack, or Ben's mother's recent low blood pressure episode, or mine and Ben's recent relationship issues. It happens that our mothers are fine and we're doing okay. Endless excitement.

But I suppose everything that happens in my personal life isn't bad. For instance I met my sister's love interest, Chriss from Boston. Chriss seems like a very intelligent and responsible individual. He's very focused on earning money right now, but that's not a bad thing, I suppose, as long as it doesn't rule his life forever. He said he was trying to make enough money so that he can buy enough real estate and eventually live off of the money he earns from rent. A good plan, I'd say. He took us out to dinner at The Chop House, which is one of the most expensive restaurants in the city, and that was fun. I understand that he currently makes about $120,000 per year at the young age of 26 working as an engineer for the US Navy. I didn't feel too bad about letting him pay for my meal. He treated my sister with affection and respect and that's more important to me than his bank roll. I want her not only to be financially secure but also to be happy. And she is happy with him. He makes her glow...and I like that. :)

My sis drove in in her new C230 Mercedes Benz Kompressor and I got to drive it. It was awesome! It memorizes your driving patterns and learns to apply extra pressure to the breaks when you need it and it corrects itself if you swerve suddenly. There's no way she should be able to wreck that car. And if she does it has 8 air bags so I think she'll survive. The stereo system had like 8 Bose speakers and a 5 disc CD changer. The computer stores all sorts of neat and useful statistics about your driving and your car's performance. Really groovy stuff. :) I learned that a Mercedes Benz may be a very expensive car, but there's a reason for that. :)

Other good stuff...my friends are in this weekend and we're going to see the second X-Men movie! Wooohooo! I'm also going to see if they're up for going to Atlantis Night club tomorrow night. Some of my boyz from work are going to be there and I wouldn't mind hanging with them for a bit...and I wouldn't mind grooving on the dance floor. It's been far too fucking long since I've danced.

I plan on describing all the fun of this weekend in detail. Until then let these words be your mantra:

I've got no strings to hold me down
To make me fret or make me frown
I had strings but now I'm free
There are no strings on me

from the Disney Movie Pinocchio

I worked at the clinic in Beckley a couple of weeks ago, which only has female counselors. I did not belong. And I did not belong because there is no cursing at the Beckley clinic.

I was in the chart room in the morning and I dropped a chart that I was holding and softly said, "Shit!" and I was met with wide eyes and gasping. I thought to myself, "Oh fuck." So I spent the rest of the day not cursing and growing more and more irritable. At the end of the day I got in my car and let out a string of non-sensical obscenities. God, did that ever feel good. :)

I learned a valuable lesson that day: Cursing has a place in my life. A few months ago I was trying to cut back on the nasty words because I thought that it wasn't very attractive for a woman to have a mouth worse than that of any typical trucker. But, hell, who am I trying to attract? Fuck it, I say. Fuck it right in it's ear.

I had an hour session today with one of my patients. He's usually very quiet but always seemed sort of aggravated underneath his pleasant demeanor. At first I thought that he was simply uncomfortable with me, but then decided that it had to run deeper than that. So today I asked him why he seemed faintly irritated under the surface all of the time. We started exploring this supressed anger and found that it led back to himself, of course, and surprisingly enough, to his wife. The patient shared things with me today that he had never before verbalized or shared with anyone else. It was a very successful session and well worth that hour of my time. As he was leaving he turned back and he thanked me. The look of appreciation in his eyes was very rewarding. Anyway...I think I'm getting better at my job.

Every day I'm learning more and more from my job and my patients. What I'm realizing now is that people often look outside themselves for something to make them happy. My patients tried to find happiness though drugs. Some people use work, sex, relationships, food, alcohol, video games, movies, etc. But happiness can't be through any outside source. I realize that I can only find happiness in and from myself. No one and nothing else can do that for me. I must make peace with myself, learn to love myself, and learn to live in the moment and enjoy now as it's happening to me. External things such as relationships, food, sex, etc. can compliment my happiness and add pleasure to my existence, but they cannot bring me happiness.

sometimes I wonder if I am
or if I am was lingering

and the new has now come to distract me
for only this moment?
or will I be taken again into years of wondering
and wandering

I am learning to fear the moment
if it only lives in the moment
and never beyond

and never beyond

I've had a very restful weekend. Spent the whole time at my folk's home in Eccles alternating periods of sleeping, eating, and reading The Sound and The Fury by William Faulkner. Great book! Beautiful imagery and I love the stream of consciousness writing and the way he plays with words!

We watched Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. The first half was fairly interesting...the second half sucked shit.

I just watched Amelie with Ben. A fantastic and whimsical movie! I'll own this one. :)

And how is Christina at this moment, while she's waiting for the laundry to dry so that she can go to bed?

Maintenant...je suis contente. (Right now, I am content.)

Dose she love me? Dose she love me not?

Whenever a patient is absent for more than three consecutive days, it's policy to call and see why they've been absent and if they intend to return to treatment. Today I decided to do my weekly callling of absent patients. Now one of my patients, who I will refer to hereafter as Bob, has been absent for 7 days and I couldn't get hold of him when I tried to call last week, so I dialed his number again today. Here's a summary of that conversation:

Ring, ring
B: Hello?
C: Hi, Bob? It's Chris Garris.
B: I'll be damned! Chris.
C: I'm just calling to check up on you. Why haven't you been to the clinic?
B: Do you want to know the truth, Chris?
C: Yes, please.
B: I faked my admission into the clinic. I am not and never have been addicted to Oxycontin. I bought a couple and took them the day before I came to the clinic just so
they would show up in my system. I'm an alcoholic. I just wanted to see if methadone would give me a cheap buzz. It didn't so I decided to quit before I got addicted to
it.
C: Well...I don't quite know what to say. You're a very convincing liar. And while I'm glad that you're not addicted to Oxycontin, I'm shocked and disappointed that you
would do such a thing.
B: Chris?
C: Yes?
B: You know, you didn't call because it's policy or procedure.
C: I didn't?
B: No. You called because you're in love with me. And you just don't know it yet.
C: Um...Bob...I'm afraid you've got the wrong idea. First of all, the patient/counselor relationship boundaries disallow any type of outside relationship between a patient at
this clinic and a counselor. Even simple friendship. Secondly, I'm in a long term relationship. And, sorry, I'm not in love with you.
B: Well, that's because you haven't gotten a chance to really know me as a person. Just give me one date. Meet me at Chilli's tomorrow and we'll hit the bar and talk.
C: No. I'm very flattered, but no.
B: Come on. Just one date. Just meet me at Chilli's tomorrow after you get off of work.
C: I'm sorry, Bob, no.
B: Can I call you tomorrow at work?
C: You can call me, but I'll only be able to talk to you if you wish to discuss your treatment.
B: Then I'll call you tomorrow and the next day and the next day until you decide to talk to me about us.
C: This conversation is inappropriate and I'm ending it now.
Click

So...I think I might get stalked or something within the next couple of weeks. Exciting, eh? I reported this to my supervisor and to the program director and documented it in the patient's chart. They said that if he returns to treatment, they'll transfer him to another counselor. Probably Terrance, our big, tough, black dude. :)

While this whole situation is somewhat funny it is also a little frightening. Bob was a wee bit too insistant and a wee bit too intense for my liking. I found that I was apprehensive every time there was a phone call for me for the rest of the day. Oh well, I'll just shake it off, watch my back, and trust my male counselors to protect me.