So my application process to the graduate programs of MU and UK are almost complete.
I sat down last night and completed all necessary applications. Tonight I wrote the bullshit statements of educational and professional goals.
"It has been my life long dream to be a psychologist. I will practice psychology in the state of West Virginia until I have blue hair and my
breasts sag to the floor." Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!
If I can't do what I really want to do, then I'll be a psychologist. And since what I really want to do is probably way way way beyond my reach
I'll be a psychologist....and charge people lots of money to blather to me about their problems.
After this whole GRE thing is over with on Nov. 11th, I'm going to sign myself up for guitar lessons. I've been wanting to play a musical
instrument since I was 5 years old. Nobody would ever teach me. My father was too busy working...my brother had no patience and was
a reclusive and rebelious youth who didn't want to hang out too much with his kid sister. And there was no one else who could teach.
So anyway, I've decided that I'm going to do a month or two of lessons...give myself something I've been hungering after for a long time now.
I was going through my song lyrics the other day and realized that I have 12 songs that are nearly completed...they only need music. And (I think)
they are actually good songs. And then I have about 13 more that are not quite muse vomit, not quite finished...they need a little more lyrical work
and music. Just think...a year from now I could have 25 songs up and ready to go. Looking at them, I just decided that they deserve a chance to
actually be complete and whole. They've been hanging around in my head and on the hard drive of my computer for too long. They need substance.
They need texture. They need freedom! They have a right to become what they were meant to be. And so I will do my best to give them life.
"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." ~ Victor Hugo
I want somebody who sees the pointlessness and still keeps their purpose in mind;
I want somebody who has a tortured soul...some of the time;
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery;
Or maybe just put it all to words and make me say, "You know, I never heard it put that way".
Make me say, "What did you just say?"
~Ani Difranco "Asking Too Much"
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
Saturday, October 26, 2002
I’m at my parent’s home just outside of Beckley. Last night as I was falling asleep, a million things were running through my head. All the things I need to do in the next two weeks…stress, stress, stress!
I woke up this morning to the sound of my mother stomping around in the kitchen, banging pots and pans, cooking. I could hear the TV blaring in the living room…my dad was watching some British comedy. I could hear him laughing. :)
I stretched and yawned out of my sleep and looked around my old bedroom. The walls are still powder blue. My old white French enamel bedroom suite is gone (Ben and I are using it at the apartment) but all of my old wall decorations remain. Posters of kittens and puppies with nice little greeting card sayings cover the walls. Above the bed hangs a huge poster of a fantasy landscape with unicorns. The bouquet of fake roses that I carried as a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding, now covered in dust and faded, hangs at an odd angle to the right of my bedroom window.
It’s nice to be home. I feel so at peace here. All of my worries seem insignificant. All that really matters is that my wonderful parents who love me and have worked so hard to provide me with all the support and love it takes to make a happy and healthy person, are just feet away from me. Just waiting for me to wake up so that we can spend our day together. :)
I’m gonna go wake Ben. He’s in the bedroom next door to the one I slept in…the one that used to be the back porch. :) It’s a little less insulated than the other rooms and no heating vent runs out there…I really doubt one ever will. Anyway, Ben likes that room because it stays colder.
Yum! Smells like mom baked some biscuits…and bacon…probably sausage and eggs and gravy too.
Munchie time!
I woke up this morning to the sound of my mother stomping around in the kitchen, banging pots and pans, cooking. I could hear the TV blaring in the living room…my dad was watching some British comedy. I could hear him laughing. :)
I stretched and yawned out of my sleep and looked around my old bedroom. The walls are still powder blue. My old white French enamel bedroom suite is gone (Ben and I are using it at the apartment) but all of my old wall decorations remain. Posters of kittens and puppies with nice little greeting card sayings cover the walls. Above the bed hangs a huge poster of a fantasy landscape with unicorns. The bouquet of fake roses that I carried as a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding, now covered in dust and faded, hangs at an odd angle to the right of my bedroom window.
It’s nice to be home. I feel so at peace here. All of my worries seem insignificant. All that really matters is that my wonderful parents who love me and have worked so hard to provide me with all the support and love it takes to make a happy and healthy person, are just feet away from me. Just waiting for me to wake up so that we can spend our day together. :)
I’m gonna go wake Ben. He’s in the bedroom next door to the one I slept in…the one that used to be the back porch. :) It’s a little less insulated than the other rooms and no heating vent runs out there…I really doubt one ever will. Anyway, Ben likes that room because it stays colder.
Yum! Smells like mom baked some biscuits…and bacon…probably sausage and eggs and gravy too.
Munchie time!
Thursday, October 24, 2002
Just rented and watched Mr. Deeds. Cute movie. Absurd like Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison, but I was amused. :)
One of the funniest lines in the entire movie was spoken by John Turturro at the meeting of his character, the sneaky servant Emilio Lopez, and Adam Sandler's character, Longfellow Deeds.
Deeds: "You sorta snuck up on me there."
Lopez: (spoken with Spanish accent and an alarming smile) "I am very very sneaky, sir."
One of the funniest lines in the entire movie was spoken by John Turturro at the meeting of his character, the sneaky servant Emilio Lopez, and Adam Sandler's character, Longfellow Deeds.
Deeds: "You sorta snuck up on me there."
Lopez: (spoken with Spanish accent and an alarming smile) "I am very very sneaky, sir."
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
And here I am again. In much better spirits than last time, I'm glad to report. :)
You may note that in my last entry I expressed frustration and that I seemed to be feeling overwhelmed. Being driven so near to cracking, I prayed. I had forgotten all about that little fact until a few minutes ago when I sat down to blog. (I usually read my past blog before beginning a new one.)
With this in mind, I find it interesting that I have some good news to report. :) So maybe it was the prayer that did it for me? Some people might say that. I, however, have no fucking clue. Did God hear me and decide to take pity on my poor wretched spirit? Or was it just chance? I really don't know what I believe. And I don't like that I don't know what I believe. I would rather have one opinion or the other. The way I see it, if I just keep standing out here in the middle of the road, I'm liable to be run over by something big and ugly.
Whatever forces were or were not at work, I am happy to report that I have been hired by the methadone clinic as a substance abuse counselor! Yay! I'm gonna work with druggies!! There's a high likelihood that I will, at some point, be threatened or perhaps manhandled. One day I will go in to work and learn that some poor person that I've been working with and who has been doing so well, overdosed the night before and won't be coming back for further treatment. Harsh. I'm slightly terrified.
I start work on Nov. 6th. The pay will equal to about $21,000 a year (before taxes, of course). Still that's better than what I am currently being paid and this job experience will be invaluable. I'll go through a training program for a few weeks and then come out with 20 patients to see weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly, depending on the phase of the program they're in.
Ben told me that I didn't need any training. He said I should tell them to shoot more and shoot more often. Or I could just tell them, "M'kay....drugs are bad....M'kay."
Second thing of interest, I'm FINALLY taking the GRE on Nov. 11th. I just decided to go ahead and schedule it so that I would be motivated to study. :) Two weeks! EEEKK! So I probably won't be posting near as much as I usually do...if at all.
Third happy thing, I got tickets for the Columbus, OH Tori Amos concert!!!!!!!!! *girlish squeal* I browsed around on eBay and found a pair of tickets set at $90.00. To buy them from ticketmaster it would have cost $100 so this was a good deal. Of course, I knew the price would go up as the auction end date grew closer and more people bid. I decided to just watch it...to wait until the last few minutes and then bid. The price went up to $147.50 and stopped. I decided I would not pay more than $160 for them...and then I waited. The auction ended yesterday morning at 8:30am. With three minutes left in the auction I placed my required minimum bid of $150...I was outbid!...placed another at $155...was outbid!!!...I placed my final bid of $160 and crossed my fingers. And I won. :)
So maybe before the concet on Nov. 23rd, Ben and I will swing by and visit old lady Berry in Columbus and see if she's still kicking. :)
Whatever forces were at work...whether it was God or just the fluffy-happy-love thoughts that I requested my friends send my way, it worked. So I say thank you to all of you. Thank you to God...to my friends and family...to the spiders that keep building webs in my front doorway...to the stars in the heavens!
You may note that in my last entry I expressed frustration and that I seemed to be feeling overwhelmed. Being driven so near to cracking, I prayed. I had forgotten all about that little fact until a few minutes ago when I sat down to blog. (I usually read my past blog before beginning a new one.)
With this in mind, I find it interesting that I have some good news to report. :) So maybe it was the prayer that did it for me? Some people might say that. I, however, have no fucking clue. Did God hear me and decide to take pity on my poor wretched spirit? Or was it just chance? I really don't know what I believe. And I don't like that I don't know what I believe. I would rather have one opinion or the other. The way I see it, if I just keep standing out here in the middle of the road, I'm liable to be run over by something big and ugly.
Whatever forces were or were not at work, I am happy to report that I have been hired by the methadone clinic as a substance abuse counselor! Yay! I'm gonna work with druggies!! There's a high likelihood that I will, at some point, be threatened or perhaps manhandled. One day I will go in to work and learn that some poor person that I've been working with and who has been doing so well, overdosed the night before and won't be coming back for further treatment. Harsh. I'm slightly terrified.
I start work on Nov. 6th. The pay will equal to about $21,000 a year (before taxes, of course). Still that's better than what I am currently being paid and this job experience will be invaluable. I'll go through a training program for a few weeks and then come out with 20 patients to see weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly, depending on the phase of the program they're in.
Ben told me that I didn't need any training. He said I should tell them to shoot more and shoot more often. Or I could just tell them, "M'kay....drugs are bad....M'kay."
Second thing of interest, I'm FINALLY taking the GRE on Nov. 11th. I just decided to go ahead and schedule it so that I would be motivated to study. :) Two weeks! EEEKK! So I probably won't be posting near as much as I usually do...if at all.
Third happy thing, I got tickets for the Columbus, OH Tori Amos concert!!!!!!!!! *girlish squeal* I browsed around on eBay and found a pair of tickets set at $90.00. To buy them from ticketmaster it would have cost $100 so this was a good deal. Of course, I knew the price would go up as the auction end date grew closer and more people bid. I decided to just watch it...to wait until the last few minutes and then bid. The price went up to $147.50 and stopped. I decided I would not pay more than $160 for them...and then I waited. The auction ended yesterday morning at 8:30am. With three minutes left in the auction I placed my required minimum bid of $150...I was outbid!...placed another at $155...was outbid!!!...I placed my final bid of $160 and crossed my fingers. And I won. :)
So maybe before the concet on Nov. 23rd, Ben and I will swing by and visit old lady Berry in Columbus and see if she's still kicking. :)
Whatever forces were at work...whether it was God or just the fluffy-happy-love thoughts that I requested my friends send my way, it worked. So I say thank you to all of you. Thank you to God...to my friends and family...to the spiders that keep building webs in my front doorway...to the stars in the heavens!
Sunday, October 20, 2002
ACK!!!!! ACK!!! EEEEEEK!!!!!! BLAH!!! BLAH!!! BLAH!!!!
NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
MOTHERFUCKSHITSHITSHITMOTHERFUCKSHITSHITSHITCOCKDOGCARCHICKEN!!!!!!
I'm frustrated. It's been a nasty blah day.
I cried today. And I prayed today. (I should probably do the latter again considering my above use of expletives.)
I need fluffy-happy-love thoughts. Please send them my way.
In spite of my frustration and horrid mood, I was able to laugh at this quote from Mr. Stephen King:
"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... and I keep it in a jar on my desk."
NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
MOTHERFUCKSHITSHITSHITMOTHERFUCKSHITSHITSHITCOCKDOGCARCHICKEN!!!!!!
I'm frustrated. It's been a nasty blah day.
I cried today. And I prayed today. (I should probably do the latter again considering my above use of expletives.)
I need fluffy-happy-love thoughts. Please send them my way.
In spite of my frustration and horrid mood, I was able to laugh at this quote from Mr. Stephen King:
"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... and I keep it in a jar on my desk."
Every now and then I feel compelled to record a moment in my life or a thought or feeling. Sometimes it comes out as lyrics, sometimes as a poem, some times as a story, and others as jumbled nothing.:) But I try!
Friday morning I had the desire to capture the picture I saw from my office window...and the feelling that it pulled out of me. It's not a poem or a story or a lyric...it's just some words.
Early Morning at the Office of Hazel A. Straub, Attorney At Law
10/18/02 8:15am
I'm early today
the tiny law office is dark
except for the sleepy rays of sun
snaking in between the blinds
my body is chilled after the shaded walk
from garage to building, through the wind
and I am drawn to the warm
that I imagine the sunlight must hold
my cold hand reaches for the string
that will lift the blind
a downward pull
and the room is bathed in a soft golden glow
This is my boss's office
I suppose I shouldn't linger
but there before me is the waking city
irresistible to my gaze
The fog, rising from the river
is wrapping itself about the buildings
The tiny, streaming clouds from the heating systems
mingle and slowly rise with the fog
I can see the top of the hospital, St. Francis
a bank tower or two
and a dozen ancient and weathered office buildings
and some that are maybe not that old
oh, but there are some that are now missing
the inexhaustible rining of the telephones
and the sporadic whisper
of paper being shuffled by human hands
The sun is reflected back at me
from the windows of Laidley Tower
Across the street there is a pink hotel
and across from that, the golden domes of St. George's
The fog has lifted
so that I can just see
the slim line of interstate
winding it's way through the city
cars and trucks and vans
Hondas and Fords and Mitsubishis
they all fly through
all fly by the city
cars with parents and kids
the married, the single, and divorced
on their way to work or school
or maybe on their way home
or maybe off to something new and strange and wonderful
and I wonder
do they see the city as it goes flying through
as it goes flying by their windows?
Friday morning I had the desire to capture the picture I saw from my office window...and the feelling that it pulled out of me. It's not a poem or a story or a lyric...it's just some words.
Early Morning at the Office of Hazel A. Straub, Attorney At Law
10/18/02 8:15am
I'm early today
the tiny law office is dark
except for the sleepy rays of sun
snaking in between the blinds
my body is chilled after the shaded walk
from garage to building, through the wind
and I am drawn to the warm
that I imagine the sunlight must hold
my cold hand reaches for the string
that will lift the blind
a downward pull
and the room is bathed in a soft golden glow
This is my boss's office
I suppose I shouldn't linger
but there before me is the waking city
irresistible to my gaze
The fog, rising from the river
is wrapping itself about the buildings
The tiny, streaming clouds from the heating systems
mingle and slowly rise with the fog
I can see the top of the hospital, St. Francis
a bank tower or two
and a dozen ancient and weathered office buildings
and some that are maybe not that old
oh, but there are some that are now missing
the inexhaustible rining of the telephones
and the sporadic whisper
of paper being shuffled by human hands
The sun is reflected back at me
from the windows of Laidley Tower
Across the street there is a pink hotel
and across from that, the golden domes of St. George's
The fog has lifted
so that I can just see
the slim line of interstate
winding it's way through the city
cars and trucks and vans
Hondas and Fords and Mitsubishis
they all fly through
all fly by the city
cars with parents and kids
the married, the single, and divorced
on their way to work or school
or maybe on their way home
or maybe off to something new and strange and wonderful
and I wonder
do they see the city as it goes flying through
as it goes flying by their windows?
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
As you may note, I posted my last post in the wee hours o' the mornin' this morning. I was up until 4am with horrid, horrid stomach pains. Crazy ass moon why don't you leave me the hell alone!!!!!!
And now that that's out of my system...
I suppose a couple of good things came out of me being up so early. I had time to send a friend a little e-greeting and I came up with a good idea about Christmas gifts among friends this year! See, it went like this. There I was, in pain, upset about the whole Tori concert catastrophe, and unable to sleep, so I decided to blog about it. After I blogged, I read my friends' blogs which led me to search for an e-greeting for a sick friend. That search finally took me to amazon.com (where you can still get little e-cards for free) and after the card was sent, then the idea came! ding! Like a tiny light bulb over my sleepy head: Amazon.com Wishlists!!!
We all know that Christmas is coming up soon. I know some people don't get too excited over the holiday, but I do. It's always been a really special time for me and my family and I like to spread that special-loving-goodness to my friends. To put it bluntly, I'm going to buy each of you special people something for Christmas. To aid me in my holiday search I would love it if each one of you could create an account and a Wishlist on amazon.com. That way I could look you up and see what DVD's, books, CD's, etc. you're interesting in owning. It's really hard to keep track of what you all actually have on your bookshelves, in your CD cases, in your DVD players, or in your closets. (Since the closest of you lives 3 hours away!) But if you each had a Wishlist I could say, "Well, it seems that Ken wants the 1974 film Nude for Satan." And then I could go down to Wal-Mart and buy it. :)
Of course, there's no guarantee that any of you will actually get any of the things you put on your Wishlists. It is highly likely that I'll just see something out at the mall and just feel compelled to buy it. But the Wishlist may help me to purchase something that is, at least, within a field of your interest.
Imagine this scenario....I'm out at the mall and I say, "Holy Jesus God! I really want to buy this Rod Stewart CD for Shawn for Christmas! I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any Rod Stewart CD's...and I think he likes him...yeah this'll be perfect!!!" Yes, my friends this could happen to YOU!
But if you have a Wishlist it could go something like this: I'm out at the mall and I say, "Hey there's a Rod Steward CD...would Shawn?...no, wait a sec...he didn't have Rod on his Wishlist. But he did have a few books by Kurt Vonnegut...yeah I'll go to the bookstore instead!" See, a Christmas Catastrophe prevented by the almighty power of the Amazon.com Wishlist!
Or I could just buy all of you Tori Amos CDs....you decide.
Go to www.amazon.com today! If you have any questions about setting up your wishlists, feel free to contact either Ben T. or myself, Chris G., as we were professionally trained Customer Service Specialists for Amazon.com a couple of years ago.
Happy Wishlisting!!!!
Sending thoughts of bombastic buffalo and corpulent coquettes,
The Amazon Queen
And now that that's out of my system...
I suppose a couple of good things came out of me being up so early. I had time to send a friend a little e-greeting and I came up with a good idea about Christmas gifts among friends this year! See, it went like this. There I was, in pain, upset about the whole Tori concert catastrophe, and unable to sleep, so I decided to blog about it. After I blogged, I read my friends' blogs which led me to search for an e-greeting for a sick friend. That search finally took me to amazon.com (where you can still get little e-cards for free) and after the card was sent, then the idea came! ding! Like a tiny light bulb over my sleepy head: Amazon.com Wishlists!!!
We all know that Christmas is coming up soon. I know some people don't get too excited over the holiday, but I do. It's always been a really special time for me and my family and I like to spread that special-loving-goodness to my friends. To put it bluntly, I'm going to buy each of you special people something for Christmas. To aid me in my holiday search I would love it if each one of you could create an account and a Wishlist on amazon.com. That way I could look you up and see what DVD's, books, CD's, etc. you're interesting in owning. It's really hard to keep track of what you all actually have on your bookshelves, in your CD cases, in your DVD players, or in your closets. (Since the closest of you lives 3 hours away!) But if you each had a Wishlist I could say, "Well, it seems that Ken wants the 1974 film Nude for Satan." And then I could go down to Wal-Mart and buy it. :)
Of course, there's no guarantee that any of you will actually get any of the things you put on your Wishlists. It is highly likely that I'll just see something out at the mall and just feel compelled to buy it. But the Wishlist may help me to purchase something that is, at least, within a field of your interest.
Imagine this scenario....I'm out at the mall and I say, "Holy Jesus God! I really want to buy this Rod Stewart CD for Shawn for Christmas! I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any Rod Stewart CD's...and I think he likes him...yeah this'll be perfect!!!" Yes, my friends this could happen to YOU!
But if you have a Wishlist it could go something like this: I'm out at the mall and I say, "Hey there's a Rod Steward CD...would Shawn?...no, wait a sec...he didn't have Rod on his Wishlist. But he did have a few books by Kurt Vonnegut...yeah I'll go to the bookstore instead!" See, a Christmas Catastrophe prevented by the almighty power of the Amazon.com Wishlist!
Or I could just buy all of you Tori Amos CDs....you decide.
Go to www.amazon.com today! If you have any questions about setting up your wishlists, feel free to contact either Ben T. or myself, Chris G., as we were professionally trained Customer Service Specialists for Amazon.com a couple of years ago.
Happy Wishlisting!!!!
Sending thoughts of bombastic buffalo and corpulent coquettes,
The Amazon Queen
Oh, the pain. At this moment I curse being a woman. All I have to say is I better be fucking fertile. If I one day find that all of this pain has been for nothing, I will be one pissed off hoochie mama.
So here it is...1:40am and I should be in bed asleep. Well, I was in bed but my stomach cramps won't let me sleep and even Mistress Midol cannot relieve the suffering. And maybe my anxiety level is a little high as well.
I had my interview at Charleston Treatment Center today. (aka the methadone clinic) I think it went pretty well...but I'm still not sure. When I went in, I really didn't expect to have a chance...I thought I'd have to have previous experience. But then I got there and learned more about the position and found that it's something that I could really do now, it's more money, and it would be great experience. So now I want it. And I'm afraid that I won't get it. I hate being disappointed!!! It's so much safer not to want anything too intensely...that way you don't get hurt. (the words of a coward...I really don't believe them. If you subscribed to that philosophy, you'd never really live!)
Anyway now that I want it, I'm doomed!!! When I want something, I want it with every ounce of my being. And if I don't achieve my desire then every part of me is shaken. :( Ah well, the dangers of living.
I'm also greatly disappointed because it seems that I won't be able to get tickets to the Tori Amos show in Columbus on 11/23/02. I really wanted to go to this show! She's just sooooo good live...and this tour she'll have new material because she's releasing a new CD at the end of this month. :( I'm just bummed. She's my firey, red-headed heroine and I can't be there to drink her in.
Being at her last concert was...beautiful. It was at the Polaris Amphitheatre and the sun was setting as she began her set. The sky was full of pinks, yellow, golds, oranges, and purples with the fading blue backdrop. It was beautiful. And her voice was nothing less than haunting and whimsical. The thing about Tori is that she mixes up her performances. You never know what you're going to get. You never know just how she's going to re-invent a familiar and well-loved song (to make it even better) while she's up there banging away at her Bosendorfer grand piano. It's sheer performing magic...words honestly fall short for the way that I was moved.
There is a concept in hinduism called darshan. Darshan is sort of an energy of sorts...a piece of something's essence. When you visit a place that touches you emotionally, spiritually, then you are taking darshan. But you also leave a bit of yourself there, so you are also giving darshan...adding to the place to make it something ever new and wonderful. You can experience the act of giving/taking darshan with regards to a place, person, or thing. Very interesting concept. I suppose that the closest description I could give of the way I felt at that concert would be to say that I was taking and sharing darshan from the experience. There were moments that I just closed my eyes and listened...and felt the cool September air on my skin...and just was...and was aware of my being.
Very peaceful...very beautiful.
I realize that none of my friends share my feelings about her music...but that's okay. I'll forgive them. Or maybe they should forgive me. I can't help it though...she just entices me...stimulates me...entertains me...invigorates me...and pulls at everything inside of me (when she chooses).
And it seems I won't get to experience her this go around. Oh well, again, the dangers of living.
"Whatever you want too much you can't have, so when you really want something, try to want it a little less."
~ Joel Rosenberg
So here it is...1:40am and I should be in bed asleep. Well, I was in bed but my stomach cramps won't let me sleep and even Mistress Midol cannot relieve the suffering. And maybe my anxiety level is a little high as well.
I had my interview at Charleston Treatment Center today. (aka the methadone clinic) I think it went pretty well...but I'm still not sure. When I went in, I really didn't expect to have a chance...I thought I'd have to have previous experience. But then I got there and learned more about the position and found that it's something that I could really do now, it's more money, and it would be great experience. So now I want it. And I'm afraid that I won't get it. I hate being disappointed!!! It's so much safer not to want anything too intensely...that way you don't get hurt. (the words of a coward...I really don't believe them. If you subscribed to that philosophy, you'd never really live!)
Anyway now that I want it, I'm doomed!!! When I want something, I want it with every ounce of my being. And if I don't achieve my desire then every part of me is shaken. :( Ah well, the dangers of living.
I'm also greatly disappointed because it seems that I won't be able to get tickets to the Tori Amos show in Columbus on 11/23/02. I really wanted to go to this show! She's just sooooo good live...and this tour she'll have new material because she's releasing a new CD at the end of this month. :( I'm just bummed. She's my firey, red-headed heroine and I can't be there to drink her in.
Being at her last concert was...beautiful. It was at the Polaris Amphitheatre and the sun was setting as she began her set. The sky was full of pinks, yellow, golds, oranges, and purples with the fading blue backdrop. It was beautiful. And her voice was nothing less than haunting and whimsical. The thing about Tori is that she mixes up her performances. You never know what you're going to get. You never know just how she's going to re-invent a familiar and well-loved song (to make it even better) while she's up there banging away at her Bosendorfer grand piano. It's sheer performing magic...words honestly fall short for the way that I was moved.
There is a concept in hinduism called darshan. Darshan is sort of an energy of sorts...a piece of something's essence. When you visit a place that touches you emotionally, spiritually, then you are taking darshan. But you also leave a bit of yourself there, so you are also giving darshan...adding to the place to make it something ever new and wonderful. You can experience the act of giving/taking darshan with regards to a place, person, or thing. Very interesting concept. I suppose that the closest description I could give of the way I felt at that concert would be to say that I was taking and sharing darshan from the experience. There were moments that I just closed my eyes and listened...and felt the cool September air on my skin...and just was...and was aware of my being.
Very peaceful...very beautiful.
I realize that none of my friends share my feelings about her music...but that's okay. I'll forgive them. Or maybe they should forgive me. I can't help it though...she just entices me...stimulates me...entertains me...invigorates me...and pulls at everything inside of me (when she chooses).
And it seems I won't get to experience her this go around. Oh well, again, the dangers of living.
"Whatever you want too much you can't have, so when you really want something, try to want it a little less."
~ Joel Rosenberg
Saturday, October 12, 2002
Shawn and Ken are in from Lexington...
We went out for a bite to eat and then came back and played a game of euchre...Ben and I won. I think I might be getting the hang of it, actually. (most likely I just got lucky.) After the game, somehow everyone started telling stories of fights and crazy feats from their high school days. I, of course, didn't have much to add. I wasn't that wild back then. I'm not that wild now. Honestly I've never really been wild. :) Anyway we had a few laughs over those...(12 junior high kids ganging up on them in a playground when they were high school students...Shawn breaking some kid's arm in a fight...Ben admitting to wrestling with Chris in the floor and in his bed *snicker snicker*...Ken climbing from a speeding truck window, in the rain, back to the bed of the truck...house toilet papering pranks and some crazy guy wanting to write "Die Dan, Die" on someone's lawn in fire).
On a side note, I'm going to interview at Charleston Treatment Center next week for a Substance Abuse Counselor position. Just think, this will be my very first position in the field of psychology if I land it! Wow! Actually getting to use my degree for something! What a concept! :) Again, wish me luck.
"have you ever been bent or pulled
have you ever been played like strings
if I could see you I could strum you
I could break you, make you sing
but I guess you can't really see the wind
it just comes in and fills the space
and everytime something moves
you think that you have seen its face
and I've always got my guitar to play
but I can do that anyday"
~ Ani DiFranco from "Anyday"
We went out for a bite to eat and then came back and played a game of euchre...Ben and I won. I think I might be getting the hang of it, actually. (most likely I just got lucky.) After the game, somehow everyone started telling stories of fights and crazy feats from their high school days. I, of course, didn't have much to add. I wasn't that wild back then. I'm not that wild now. Honestly I've never really been wild. :) Anyway we had a few laughs over those...(12 junior high kids ganging up on them in a playground when they were high school students...Shawn breaking some kid's arm in a fight...Ben admitting to wrestling with Chris in the floor and in his bed *snicker snicker*...Ken climbing from a speeding truck window, in the rain, back to the bed of the truck...house toilet papering pranks and some crazy guy wanting to write "Die Dan, Die" on someone's lawn in fire).
On a side note, I'm going to interview at Charleston Treatment Center next week for a Substance Abuse Counselor position. Just think, this will be my very first position in the field of psychology if I land it! Wow! Actually getting to use my degree for something! What a concept! :) Again, wish me luck.
"have you ever been bent or pulled
have you ever been played like strings
if I could see you I could strum you
I could break you, make you sing
but I guess you can't really see the wind
it just comes in and fills the space
and everytime something moves
you think that you have seen its face
and I've always got my guitar to play
but I can do that anyday"
~ Ani DiFranco from "Anyday"
Monday, October 07, 2002
'Ello, me Lords and Ladies!
I just got back from spending a weekend with my friends Ken, Shawn, Leslie, and Crystal.
We all went to the Renaissance Festival in Waynesville, OH today (Sunday). It's held every year in a permanent 30 acre village and lasts from late August to mid October. Shawn, Crystal, Trish, Ben and I went last year and had a blast. We got there at about 11am and stopped at all the beer gardens on the way through....we were drunk by noon! And god, it's such fun to walk around and interact with these people in costume while completely trashed out of your mind!:) There are games also...archery games...knife throwing...spear throssing...axe throwing....And you get to do all of this while drunk!!! Amazing and mad all at the same time! :)
It was such fun last year that we decided to go again this year and bring along those of our friends that missed out on the last. Well...we got there a bit later this year so the drinking didn't really happen. But it was enjoyable. We watched Dante's Inferno performed at a Mud Show. Very comical. Three men acting a comic, twisted version of the tale and using a mud pit as center stage and mud as various props. And splashing mud onto those unsuspecting people in the front rows. This one was a 10 row show, which means that mud splashed as far back as the 10th row. :) Very entertaining.:) I laughed my ass off and this was even the 2nd time I've seen that particular Mud Show. (although I was blitzed last year when I saw it and really didn't remember much of it.)
We also watched a juggler. He juggled fire, sharpened weapons, balls, cups, and a little yellow rubber chicken.:) What was very amusing was him juggling the little chicken, a sickle or sythe, and a hatchet. :) He had a bad accent though...needs to work on that...and his jokes were horrid. But he could juggle okay.
Lastly, we watched a jousting competition. There was actual jousting...fake/staged swordplay (and very poor, at that)...and games involving running a joust through several rings,etc. The crowd became involved by being encouraged to cheer for certain knights. There was a court watching the joust...Queen Elizabeth I and all of her royal crew. :) The costumes were gorgeous and it was a nice touch. :) But the best thing about the joust was seeing a man fully armoured in plate riding horseback. That is something I've really never seen before.:)
The rest of the day we walked around a looked in shops. Checked out the weaponry for sale and the armour...and the period clothing and jewelry...and whatever else looked interesting. (which was everything.) For lunch we had steak on a stake or turkey legs. I had steak on a steak. It was a delicious 6 oz. steak on a wooden stick. No utensils were available...you just basically rip it off the stick with your teeth and let the juices run down your chin. Very carnal. :) I ended up getting steak juice (a mixture of cow blood and marinade) all over the front of my blouse. :) Ah well, at least I escaped the Mud Show unscathed and clean.:)
At one shop the other women and I tried on beautiful leather doublets. They were $200 a pop and way too expensive for me to consider buying right now, however I've made a promise to these people that I will buy one once I've gotten a "real" job.:) So I must remain true to my word. It's now in writing and my friends must hold me accountable!:) Anyway, we took a picture of it and one might describe the whole experience as and "uplifting" one for us women. Ben said he wished corsets and doublets were still in fashion. I am not inclined to agree as having my breasts threatening to spill out of my shirt all of the time would not be too comfortable.
Well, that was the Ren Fest, now for the day of drunkenness!! Saturday was the day of drunkenness. After Leslie arrived at Shawn's mother's home in Columbus, we all decided to go have breakfast/lunch. We went to the Waffle House per Ben's insistance. :) After an incredibly greasy breakfast we proceeded to Big Bear to purchase the beverages necessary to bring us to a state of inibriation. We went back to Shawn's mum's and, upon my suggestion, played a game called "Fuck the Dealer".
I'm sure if you've played this game you know it's a surefire way to get drunk fast. If not, you really should play it...it kicks ass! :) But from the name I'm sure you can infer that begin the Dealer is a bad thing...if you're not wanting to get drunk. I was the dealer for far too long. I drank 4 beers in a period of 45 minutes perhaps? I was trashed pretty quickley...to say it bluntly I was fucked. I was fucked by everyone at that damn table...repeatedly. :) But I got to fuck them too, so it all works out in the end.:)
I finished the rest of my beers(actually Schmirnof Ice...I hate beer, though I keep trying it in hopes that my tastes will change and I will miraculously enjoy it) and passed out on the living room floor for 30 minutes with the other girls. I remember us all shoving our asses in the air for a picture opportunity...it seemed like a good idea at the time.:) I woke to the sound of children laughting and I thought I was having a nightmare...but Shawn's family happened to pop in for a visit and it was just the laughter of his little cousin who looked like an angel, but whom Shawn confided is really a demon in disguise.:) Shawn had cooked us a wonderful dinner and I gobbled down a hotdog and hamburger and then played a game or two of Euchre with Ken, Ben, and Shawn's Aunt Linda. I was still drunk at this point...with a growing headache, I might add. I really didn't sober up until later that night...after another two hour long nap. Then we all watched My First Mister...which is a fantastic movie that I highly recommend. I plan on adding it to my DVD collection ASAP. I laughed, I cringed, I cried. Good stuff.
Well..yeah...that was my weekend. It was great being with my friends and I had a wonderful time.:) C'est la Vie!
Now its very early on Monday morning and I have to work tomorrow..um..I mean today at 9am. So I guess I'll stop for now. Night and love to you all!
I just got back from spending a weekend with my friends Ken, Shawn, Leslie, and Crystal.
We all went to the Renaissance Festival in Waynesville, OH today (Sunday). It's held every year in a permanent 30 acre village and lasts from late August to mid October. Shawn, Crystal, Trish, Ben and I went last year and had a blast. We got there at about 11am and stopped at all the beer gardens on the way through....we were drunk by noon! And god, it's such fun to walk around and interact with these people in costume while completely trashed out of your mind!:) There are games also...archery games...knife throwing...spear throssing...axe throwing....And you get to do all of this while drunk!!! Amazing and mad all at the same time! :)
It was such fun last year that we decided to go again this year and bring along those of our friends that missed out on the last. Well...we got there a bit later this year so the drinking didn't really happen. But it was enjoyable. We watched Dante's Inferno performed at a Mud Show. Very comical. Three men acting a comic, twisted version of the tale and using a mud pit as center stage and mud as various props. And splashing mud onto those unsuspecting people in the front rows. This one was a 10 row show, which means that mud splashed as far back as the 10th row. :) Very entertaining.:) I laughed my ass off and this was even the 2nd time I've seen that particular Mud Show. (although I was blitzed last year when I saw it and really didn't remember much of it.)
We also watched a juggler. He juggled fire, sharpened weapons, balls, cups, and a little yellow rubber chicken.:) What was very amusing was him juggling the little chicken, a sickle or sythe, and a hatchet. :) He had a bad accent though...needs to work on that...and his jokes were horrid. But he could juggle okay.
Lastly, we watched a jousting competition. There was actual jousting...fake/staged swordplay (and very poor, at that)...and games involving running a joust through several rings,etc. The crowd became involved by being encouraged to cheer for certain knights. There was a court watching the joust...Queen Elizabeth I and all of her royal crew. :) The costumes were gorgeous and it was a nice touch. :) But the best thing about the joust was seeing a man fully armoured in plate riding horseback. That is something I've really never seen before.:)
The rest of the day we walked around a looked in shops. Checked out the weaponry for sale and the armour...and the period clothing and jewelry...and whatever else looked interesting. (which was everything.) For lunch we had steak on a stake or turkey legs. I had steak on a steak. It was a delicious 6 oz. steak on a wooden stick. No utensils were available...you just basically rip it off the stick with your teeth and let the juices run down your chin. Very carnal. :) I ended up getting steak juice (a mixture of cow blood and marinade) all over the front of my blouse. :) Ah well, at least I escaped the Mud Show unscathed and clean.:)
At one shop the other women and I tried on beautiful leather doublets. They were $200 a pop and way too expensive for me to consider buying right now, however I've made a promise to these people that I will buy one once I've gotten a "real" job.:) So I must remain true to my word. It's now in writing and my friends must hold me accountable!:) Anyway, we took a picture of it and one might describe the whole experience as and "uplifting" one for us women. Ben said he wished corsets and doublets were still in fashion. I am not inclined to agree as having my breasts threatening to spill out of my shirt all of the time would not be too comfortable.
Well, that was the Ren Fest, now for the day of drunkenness!! Saturday was the day of drunkenness. After Leslie arrived at Shawn's mother's home in Columbus, we all decided to go have breakfast/lunch. We went to the Waffle House per Ben's insistance. :) After an incredibly greasy breakfast we proceeded to Big Bear to purchase the beverages necessary to bring us to a state of inibriation. We went back to Shawn's mum's and, upon my suggestion, played a game called "Fuck the Dealer".
I'm sure if you've played this game you know it's a surefire way to get drunk fast. If not, you really should play it...it kicks ass! :) But from the name I'm sure you can infer that begin the Dealer is a bad thing...if you're not wanting to get drunk. I was the dealer for far too long. I drank 4 beers in a period of 45 minutes perhaps? I was trashed pretty quickley...to say it bluntly I was fucked. I was fucked by everyone at that damn table...repeatedly. :) But I got to fuck them too, so it all works out in the end.:)
I finished the rest of my beers(actually Schmirnof Ice...I hate beer, though I keep trying it in hopes that my tastes will change and I will miraculously enjoy it) and passed out on the living room floor for 30 minutes with the other girls. I remember us all shoving our asses in the air for a picture opportunity...it seemed like a good idea at the time.:) I woke to the sound of children laughting and I thought I was having a nightmare...but Shawn's family happened to pop in for a visit and it was just the laughter of his little cousin who looked like an angel, but whom Shawn confided is really a demon in disguise.:) Shawn had cooked us a wonderful dinner and I gobbled down a hotdog and hamburger and then played a game or two of Euchre with Ken, Ben, and Shawn's Aunt Linda. I was still drunk at this point...with a growing headache, I might add. I really didn't sober up until later that night...after another two hour long nap. Then we all watched My First Mister...which is a fantastic movie that I highly recommend. I plan on adding it to my DVD collection ASAP. I laughed, I cringed, I cried. Good stuff.
Well..yeah...that was my weekend. It was great being with my friends and I had a wonderful time.:) C'est la Vie!
Now its very early on Monday morning and I have to work tomorrow..um..I mean today at 9am. So I guess I'll stop for now. Night and love to you all!
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
Here's a snippet from some lyrics I've been throwing around for a while....I have a chorus and other verses to go with them but I'm just not pleased with the whole. But this part I love:
Sometimes my heart is wanton
Devouring whom she may
And other days she’s yearning for
The time that’s past away
And if the air is chill
She in melancholy hides
And even summer’s warm cannot
Melt the ice inside
Have suggestions? Ideas that might spur me along? Please share! My Muse has gone retarded. :)
Sometimes my heart is wanton
Devouring whom she may
And other days she’s yearning for
The time that’s past away
And if the air is chill
She in melancholy hides
And even summer’s warm cannot
Melt the ice inside
Have suggestions? Ideas that might spur me along? Please share! My Muse has gone retarded. :)
Saturday, September 28, 2002
I was just reading through one of my old poetry text books for kicks and I came across a bit of a poem that moved me. :) I just wanted to share it. :)
And you beside me, blessed now while sirens
Sing to us, steathily weave us into day
Serenely now, before day claims our eyes
Your cool arms murmurously about me lay.
While myriad snowy hands are clustering at
the panes--
Your hands within my hands are deeds;
my tongue upon your throat -- singing
arms close; eyes wide, undoubtful
dark
drink the dawn--
a forest shudders in your hair.
From The Bridge by Hart Crane
And you beside me, blessed now while sirens
Sing to us, steathily weave us into day
Serenely now, before day claims our eyes
Your cool arms murmurously about me lay.
While myriad snowy hands are clustering at
the panes--
Your hands within my hands are deeds;
my tongue upon your throat -- singing
arms close; eyes wide, undoubtful
dark
drink the dawn--
a forest shudders in your hair.
From The Bridge by Hart Crane
Friday, September 27, 2002
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
So, I bought a car last Saturday at that auction I mentioned in my previous post. I scored a 1995 grey Chevy Corsica for $2,100! (And if you're wondering, yes, I've been driving a Chevy Corsica for the past several years...my mother's car...it's a 1992...and it's grey!) And the kicker is that the car only has 56,000 miles!
When Ben and I went to look at the cars before the auction began that morning, I picked five cars that I decided I would be happy driving for the next 5 years or so. There was a red 1997 Dodge Minivan (big enough to haul all of my friends anywhere and my family on vacation!), a 1997 blue Ford Expedition, a 1995 white Crown Victoria (former police car. This was a freaking huge ass car...I loved it!), a 1993 white Jeep Cherokee, and the Corsica that I ended up buying. After narrowing my choices down, we approached the guy who inspects and cares for the vehicles for the WV Surplus Department. We threw question after question about the vehicles at this guy until we were satisfied. I had set my price limit at $3000 and after this talk I decided I had no chance in hell at winning the Expedition, so it got crossed off of our list.
We walked around a bit and after a short while it was time for the auction to begin!!! We took our place near the auctioneer and waited, excited and somewhat terrified. Now let me take a moment to describe the auctioneer. He had a large dark mustache, no beard, and was wearing a t-shirt and jeans along with a big white Stetson cowboy hat. A very interesting character, he drove a black limousine that had been detailed to appear that it had bullet holes all along the sides.
Anyway, it happened that there was a car dealer there...auctions are where they get most of their used vehicles...and he outbid us on nearly everything. The price on the Minivan shot up so fast we didn't even make our first bid, and we had decided not to even try for the Expedition. Then came the Crown Victoria. I wanted this car. It was nice and roomy, had 76,000 miles, and the only thing I would have to replace would have been the battery. So we bid up to $3,000 but the dealer outbid us at $3,100. :) And then the Cherokee came up and we were outbid again. Finally we came to the Corsica. We waited until the bid got up to $1,600 before jumping in and we took it up, matching the dealer with every $50 increase. It was so nerve wracking...watching Ben put me deeper into debt with the flick of a card...I was going to stop him at $2,300...but then the dealer caved in. We won! The entire crowd cheered for us, as that damn dealer had been beating everyone out of the good vehicles all day long.:) Victory for the little people...or in my case the big little people. Afterwards, he came over and gave me advice on where to get a new paint job for the car and congratulated us in his own way. He could've kept bidding...he basically let us have it, and for that I am grateful.
So now I'm the proud owner of my very own Chevy Corsica. The paint is chipping badly on the roof and there are a couple rust spots, though not very deep. That can easily be remedied with sanding. The only other problem is a loose screw in the motor mount, which can easily be replaced for the meager price of $20. I plan on getting it painted as soon as I get the license and all of that good stuff taken care of...that should be about $300 if the dealer is to be trusted. I just got my title in the mail today, so I'm going to try to head to the DMV tomorrow evening to pay my taxes and get the process started...and then I need insurance. All in all I should have it on the road in a week or two.
So the total cost of the car will be about $2,600...Hazel gave me $500 so that reduces it to a $2,100 cost to me...I had $700 left in my savings after the Florida trip...so that knocks it down to $1,400 that will actually remain on my credit card. This evening I'm applying for one of those cards that gives you 0% interest for a year on balance transfers...so I'll transfer my balance over and then pay that baby off as fast as I can! The cool thing is that I can set my own payment amount...and as long as I get it paid off within the year before the 0% interest runs out, I'm in the clear! Peachy Keen! :)
Damn...you can tell I came from a poor household, can't you? I think it shows in my ability to juggle money and debt. :)
When Ben and I went to look at the cars before the auction began that morning, I picked five cars that I decided I would be happy driving for the next 5 years or so. There was a red 1997 Dodge Minivan (big enough to haul all of my friends anywhere and my family on vacation!), a 1997 blue Ford Expedition, a 1995 white Crown Victoria (former police car. This was a freaking huge ass car...I loved it!), a 1993 white Jeep Cherokee, and the Corsica that I ended up buying. After narrowing my choices down, we approached the guy who inspects and cares for the vehicles for the WV Surplus Department. We threw question after question about the vehicles at this guy until we were satisfied. I had set my price limit at $3000 and after this talk I decided I had no chance in hell at winning the Expedition, so it got crossed off of our list.
We walked around a bit and after a short while it was time for the auction to begin!!! We took our place near the auctioneer and waited, excited and somewhat terrified. Now let me take a moment to describe the auctioneer. He had a large dark mustache, no beard, and was wearing a t-shirt and jeans along with a big white Stetson cowboy hat. A very interesting character, he drove a black limousine that had been detailed to appear that it had bullet holes all along the sides.
Anyway, it happened that there was a car dealer there...auctions are where they get most of their used vehicles...and he outbid us on nearly everything. The price on the Minivan shot up so fast we didn't even make our first bid, and we had decided not to even try for the Expedition. Then came the Crown Victoria. I wanted this car. It was nice and roomy, had 76,000 miles, and the only thing I would have to replace would have been the battery. So we bid up to $3,000 but the dealer outbid us at $3,100. :) And then the Cherokee came up and we were outbid again. Finally we came to the Corsica. We waited until the bid got up to $1,600 before jumping in and we took it up, matching the dealer with every $50 increase. It was so nerve wracking...watching Ben put me deeper into debt with the flick of a card...I was going to stop him at $2,300...but then the dealer caved in. We won! The entire crowd cheered for us, as that damn dealer had been beating everyone out of the good vehicles all day long.:) Victory for the little people...or in my case the big little people. Afterwards, he came over and gave me advice on where to get a new paint job for the car and congratulated us in his own way. He could've kept bidding...he basically let us have it, and for that I am grateful.
So now I'm the proud owner of my very own Chevy Corsica. The paint is chipping badly on the roof and there are a couple rust spots, though not very deep. That can easily be remedied with sanding. The only other problem is a loose screw in the motor mount, which can easily be replaced for the meager price of $20. I plan on getting it painted as soon as I get the license and all of that good stuff taken care of...that should be about $300 if the dealer is to be trusted. I just got my title in the mail today, so I'm going to try to head to the DMV tomorrow evening to pay my taxes and get the process started...and then I need insurance. All in all I should have it on the road in a week or two.
So the total cost of the car will be about $2,600...Hazel gave me $500 so that reduces it to a $2,100 cost to me...I had $700 left in my savings after the Florida trip...so that knocks it down to $1,400 that will actually remain on my credit card. This evening I'm applying for one of those cards that gives you 0% interest for a year on balance transfers...so I'll transfer my balance over and then pay that baby off as fast as I can! The cool thing is that I can set my own payment amount...and as long as I get it paid off within the year before the 0% interest runs out, I'm in the clear! Peachy Keen! :)
Damn...you can tell I came from a poor household, can't you? I think it shows in my ability to juggle money and debt. :)
Thursday, September 19, 2002
Just when I think that my boss is the Anti-Christ she goes and does something incredibly helpful.
I plan on going to a state used vehicle auction this Saturday in Dunbar and I was discussing my hopes of finding a reliable car there this past week at lunch. After lunch Hazel tells me to remind her next week and she'll give me a $500 bonus. I tell her that I couldn't accept it, it's too much money, etc. I thought about it this weekend and decided that there was no way in hell that I was going to "remind her" about the money. It would basically be begging her for money and I'm still pissed at her. Ben and Shawn tried to change my mind...telling me that I was owed this money for her ill treatment of me, etc. But I wouldn't budge.
Well, yesterday she walks into the library and throws an envelope down on the table. I look up, surprised that she actually went through with it, and then proceeded to try and give it back to her. "I don't deserve this, Hazel. I haven't worked for it, I can't accept it. I don't feel right about it." She just held a hand up and told me to say "thank you." I looked at her a moment and nodded and said, "Thank you, Hazel".
I sat there a moment stunned. Feeling a bit guilty...a bit dirty. Then I laughed as realization washed over me. Hazel is the kind of person that offends people and then trys to smoothe it over by giving gifts. She was doing this to give herself peace of mind about belittling me in front of my co-worker. And perhaps to try and prevent me from leaving her employ the first chance I get.
Well, boss lady. I forgive you for your ill treatment. After all, it's not psychologically healthy to keep ill feelings and anger present all the time. It's far too stressful and damanging to the mind, body, and spirit. So, yes, I forgive. But I will not forget. Thanks for the $500, but the first good job offer I get I'm still out the door.
Silly wench.
Well guys, wish me luck at the auction this weekend. Hopefully I won't be outbid on the one I really want.
I plan on going to a state used vehicle auction this Saturday in Dunbar and I was discussing my hopes of finding a reliable car there this past week at lunch. After lunch Hazel tells me to remind her next week and she'll give me a $500 bonus. I tell her that I couldn't accept it, it's too much money, etc. I thought about it this weekend and decided that there was no way in hell that I was going to "remind her" about the money. It would basically be begging her for money and I'm still pissed at her. Ben and Shawn tried to change my mind...telling me that I was owed this money for her ill treatment of me, etc. But I wouldn't budge.
Well, yesterday she walks into the library and throws an envelope down on the table. I look up, surprised that she actually went through with it, and then proceeded to try and give it back to her. "I don't deserve this, Hazel. I haven't worked for it, I can't accept it. I don't feel right about it." She just held a hand up and told me to say "thank you." I looked at her a moment and nodded and said, "Thank you, Hazel".
I sat there a moment stunned. Feeling a bit guilty...a bit dirty. Then I laughed as realization washed over me. Hazel is the kind of person that offends people and then trys to smoothe it over by giving gifts. She was doing this to give herself peace of mind about belittling me in front of my co-worker. And perhaps to try and prevent me from leaving her employ the first chance I get.
Well, boss lady. I forgive you for your ill treatment. After all, it's not psychologically healthy to keep ill feelings and anger present all the time. It's far too stressful and damanging to the mind, body, and spirit. So, yes, I forgive. But I will not forget. Thanks for the $500, but the first good job offer I get I'm still out the door.
Silly wench.
Well guys, wish me luck at the auction this weekend. Hopefully I won't be outbid on the one I really want.
Sunday, September 15, 2002
Sex was groovy. And now I feel like I could vomit. Beautiful.
Doesn't alcohol do the strangest things to people? And we use it to increase our chances in a relationship...to "bring out our true personality". Bullshit. All it does is make me want to pee more....and maybe lose my dinner.
I need water so I don't have an incredible hangover tomorrow.
I love you all. Yes...all of you...in ways that you can't even imagine.
Doesn't alcohol do the strangest things to people? And we use it to increase our chances in a relationship...to "bring out our true personality". Bullshit. All it does is make me want to pee more....and maybe lose my dinner.
I need water so I don't have an incredible hangover tomorrow.
I love you all. Yes...all of you...in ways that you can't even imagine.
Yeah...right now I'm drunk. My friend Shawn and I just polished off the very large bottle of Pinot Grigio that Ben's brother bought for me for my birthday. Actually, there's just a smidge left in the bottle, but Shawn has passed out and I've reached my wine guzzling capacity. :) (Didn't think that was possible, did you?)
It took me at least 30 seconds to type that last bit....yeah...I'm drunk. So now I guess I should go have sex or something. Bye.
~ CLG
It took me at least 30 seconds to type that last bit....yeah...I'm drunk. So now I guess I should go have sex or something. Bye.
~ CLG
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
She never should have rented this apartment in the Mortal City
The cold comes though every crack she puts her hand up to
The radiator's broken, so she has to use electric heat.
And tonight was the first date with the brother of the guy she worked next to
He lived a couple streets away
He listened, he had things to say
She asked him up for dinner sometime
Sometime was tonight
The radio gave updates on the ice storm while she made the dinner
They said, from all the talk, you shouldn't drive or even walk
And this just in, we're asking everyone to turn off their power
They need it at the hospital.
She ran around pulling plugs, then she called him up
Maybe now they shouldn't meet, he said that he would brave the streets
She met him at the door with a blanket and a candle
Saying, I heard it on the radio, I had to turn my power off.
He said you're not the only one, the streets were dark tonight,
It was like another century
With dim lamps and candles lighting up the icy trees and the clouds and a covered moon.
She said what kind of people make a city
Where you can't see the sky and you can't feel the ground?
I tell you something, I have this feeling that this city's dying
He said, it's not dying it's the people who are dying
She said, yes, yes I think the people are dying and nobody cares.
We had all this technology our dreams were bold and vague
And then one city got bad planners, one city got the plague.
He asked why did you move here? She said, for the job
For the job and I've been so lonely here, so lonely
There's no one I can talk to, you know I don't even know your brother.
He smiled and said, sometimes at night I walk out by the river
The city's one big town, the water turns it upside down
people found this city because they love other people
They want their secretaries, they want their power lunches.
And think about tonight, I heard the same newscast you did
I unplugged everything, I looked out the window
And I think the city heard, I watched as one by one the lights went off
So they could give their power to the hospital
They ate in silence while she thought this over,
They sat together in a dark room in the Mortal City
Shifting in their blankets so they wouldn't get spaghetti on them.
Then came the awkward moment after dinner, what to do,
The ice was still falling, the streets were still dangerous
The cabs were not running and this neighborhood was not the greatest.
They both looked at the space where a couch would've been
She felt her stomach sink, she felt like she could hardly think
She said, I never should have rented this apartment in the Mortal City
The cold comes through eve crack I put my hand up to
The radiator doesn't work, I have to use electric heat.
That settled it, they would both sleep in her bed
It was a matter of survival.
She brought out t-shirts, sweatshirts, sweatpants, socks, hats
If there was ever any thought of what would happen in that bed tonight
There was no question now
They could barely move
They were wrapped up like ornaments waiting for another season.
They lay in bed, they listened to the pelting ice
He said my brother's not a bad guy, he's just quiet
I wished you liked this city
She said, maybe I do.
I think I have a special kind of hearing tonight
I hear the neighbors upstairs
I hear my heart beating
I hear one thousand hearts beating at the hospital
And one thousand hearts by their bedsides waiting
Saying that's my love in the white gown,
We are not lost in the Mortal City
We are not lost in the Mortal City
~ Dar Williams from Mortal City
The cold comes though every crack she puts her hand up to
The radiator's broken, so she has to use electric heat.
And tonight was the first date with the brother of the guy she worked next to
He lived a couple streets away
He listened, he had things to say
She asked him up for dinner sometime
Sometime was tonight
The radio gave updates on the ice storm while she made the dinner
They said, from all the talk, you shouldn't drive or even walk
And this just in, we're asking everyone to turn off their power
They need it at the hospital.
She ran around pulling plugs, then she called him up
Maybe now they shouldn't meet, he said that he would brave the streets
She met him at the door with a blanket and a candle
Saying, I heard it on the radio, I had to turn my power off.
He said you're not the only one, the streets were dark tonight,
It was like another century
With dim lamps and candles lighting up the icy trees and the clouds and a covered moon.
She said what kind of people make a city
Where you can't see the sky and you can't feel the ground?
I tell you something, I have this feeling that this city's dying
He said, it's not dying it's the people who are dying
She said, yes, yes I think the people are dying and nobody cares.
We had all this technology our dreams were bold and vague
And then one city got bad planners, one city got the plague.
He asked why did you move here? She said, for the job
For the job and I've been so lonely here, so lonely
There's no one I can talk to, you know I don't even know your brother.
He smiled and said, sometimes at night I walk out by the river
The city's one big town, the water turns it upside down
people found this city because they love other people
They want their secretaries, they want their power lunches.
And think about tonight, I heard the same newscast you did
I unplugged everything, I looked out the window
And I think the city heard, I watched as one by one the lights went off
So they could give their power to the hospital
They ate in silence while she thought this over,
They sat together in a dark room in the Mortal City
Shifting in their blankets so they wouldn't get spaghetti on them.
Then came the awkward moment after dinner, what to do,
The ice was still falling, the streets were still dangerous
The cabs were not running and this neighborhood was not the greatest.
They both looked at the space where a couch would've been
She felt her stomach sink, she felt like she could hardly think
She said, I never should have rented this apartment in the Mortal City
The cold comes through eve crack I put my hand up to
The radiator doesn't work, I have to use electric heat.
That settled it, they would both sleep in her bed
It was a matter of survival.
She brought out t-shirts, sweatshirts, sweatpants, socks, hats
If there was ever any thought of what would happen in that bed tonight
There was no question now
They could barely move
They were wrapped up like ornaments waiting for another season.
They lay in bed, they listened to the pelting ice
He said my brother's not a bad guy, he's just quiet
I wished you liked this city
She said, maybe I do.
I think I have a special kind of hearing tonight
I hear the neighbors upstairs
I hear my heart beating
I hear one thousand hearts beating at the hospital
And one thousand hearts by their bedsides waiting
Saying that's my love in the white gown,
We are not lost in the Mortal City
We are not lost in the Mortal City
~ Dar Williams from Mortal City
Sunday, September 08, 2002
On September 8, 1978 at 11:45pm in the town of Beckley, West Virginia, a third child, a female child was born unto Garland and Diana Garris. If this child had been a male it would have borne the name William Harry and would have been called "Billy" by it's parents. But such was not the fate of the baby born on that September 8th long ago. :) Instead she was called Christina Louise.
The name Christina was chosen because of the meaning "Christian, Annointed, one who is Christ-like" and because her mother thought it was pretty. :) Her second name, Louise, means "female warrior" and was chosen for her father's sister's mother-in-law, Louise Cernuto. She was a very kind old woman and sent Christina a card with a 5 dollar bill every birthday until her death in the girl-child's 8th year of life.
Christina's brother, Wayne, was at first a bit disappointed that he wound up with a little sister. This was in the day before they could tell the sex of a child before birth, and because the child was so large in it's mother's womb everyone was certain that it was to be a boy. When the 10lbs. 2oz. baby was delivered, everyone, including the parents, was surprised by her sex. Even so, they loved her and took her home. But her brother decided that he still wanted a little brother and called her "Chris" instead of Christina and did his best to make her into a tom-boy. He succeeded somewhat. She turned into a girl who liked climbing the cherry tree's in her backyard to get to her grandmother's roof, who didn't mind getting dirty, and who liked playing with army men, Hot Wheels cars, train and race car sets, Transformers, and He-Man and Castle Grayskull. But she also like to play dress-up, to play with her She-Ra dolls, and her Barbie dolls. She hated Cabbage Patch kids and loved Garbage Pail Kids stickers. She never owned a Care Bear, but she had taped all of their movies on Disney. And for whatever reason, her entire family has been calling her Chris since she can remember. Easier on the mouth, I suppose.
And here it is, my friends: I, Christina Garris, or Chris Garris, am 24 today. I left my childhood behind me some time ago, though my Hot Wheels cars and Barbie dolls are still in boxes at my parent's home. I left the youthful invincibility of my teens 4 years ago and today I leave the safety of my early twenties for the growing shadow of my mid-twenties. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that it's not my late twenties or early thirties yet...but I'm not well pleased about aging. Today I'm one step closer to the day that I will die. Well...so are all of you, I suppose. (Cheerful thought, isnt' it?) But that's beside the point. :)
Before I know it (and if the Creator grants that I shall live long enough) my breasts will be sagging, my hair will be graying, and my skin will be old and wrinkled. The beauty and sexuality of youth will leave me and I will be a withered shell. (And though I may be able to tie my breasts in knots or sling them over my shoulders for entertainment at parties, it still remains that I will have saggy, unattractive bobbies.)
As melancholy as all of this seems, it helps me to better appreciate what I have now. I am not perfect, but I am young...and there is no cosmetic, astringent, or anti-aging cream that can truly re-create the beauty of youth. All of us, all of you, my friends, my family, inspite of any physical imperfections we have...if we are overweight or our teeth are crooked and not so white as we'd like them to be...if our muscles are not as defined as that guy and girl's on the cover of Muscle magazine...if we are losing our hair...inspite of it all, we are still beautiful, we are young, we are still alive. So I will enjoy what I have while I still have it, and remember it when I am 80 and my hair is white and my breasts touch my knees while I am sitting. :)
I am also vexed by aging because it reminds me of the mistakes that I've made in my past. If I could only go back to 19 and right all of the wrongs that I've done since that point. But then, I would not be who I am. Living and years we must lose to gain knowledge and, hopefully, wisdom. And if I were to go back to 19, I would be 19 again in body and in mind. I would not have the knowledge that I have now and would most likely make the same choices, the same mistakes. :) Funny, isn't it?
The best that I can hope for is to take the knowledge that I have gained and try to pass it on to my brother's daughter, to the children that my sister will one day have, and to the children that I will one day have. Hopefully, they will heed my counsel and save themselves my errors. But then I'm sure they'll only find new errors to make, and they will gain their own wisdom, and they will attempt to pass that knowledge on to the next generation. :)
Well, it's my birthday. I'm 24. And I'm going to go and live this day.
My thoughts are with all of you, my friends and my family. I miss you!
~ CLG
The name Christina was chosen because of the meaning "Christian, Annointed, one who is Christ-like" and because her mother thought it was pretty. :) Her second name, Louise, means "female warrior" and was chosen for her father's sister's mother-in-law, Louise Cernuto. She was a very kind old woman and sent Christina a card with a 5 dollar bill every birthday until her death in the girl-child's 8th year of life.
Christina's brother, Wayne, was at first a bit disappointed that he wound up with a little sister. This was in the day before they could tell the sex of a child before birth, and because the child was so large in it's mother's womb everyone was certain that it was to be a boy. When the 10lbs. 2oz. baby was delivered, everyone, including the parents, was surprised by her sex. Even so, they loved her and took her home. But her brother decided that he still wanted a little brother and called her "Chris" instead of Christina and did his best to make her into a tom-boy. He succeeded somewhat. She turned into a girl who liked climbing the cherry tree's in her backyard to get to her grandmother's roof, who didn't mind getting dirty, and who liked playing with army men, Hot Wheels cars, train and race car sets, Transformers, and He-Man and Castle Grayskull. But she also like to play dress-up, to play with her She-Ra dolls, and her Barbie dolls. She hated Cabbage Patch kids and loved Garbage Pail Kids stickers. She never owned a Care Bear, but she had taped all of their movies on Disney. And for whatever reason, her entire family has been calling her Chris since she can remember. Easier on the mouth, I suppose.
And here it is, my friends: I, Christina Garris, or Chris Garris, am 24 today. I left my childhood behind me some time ago, though my Hot Wheels cars and Barbie dolls are still in boxes at my parent's home. I left the youthful invincibility of my teens 4 years ago and today I leave the safety of my early twenties for the growing shadow of my mid-twenties. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that it's not my late twenties or early thirties yet...but I'm not well pleased about aging. Today I'm one step closer to the day that I will die. Well...so are all of you, I suppose. (Cheerful thought, isnt' it?) But that's beside the point. :)
Before I know it (and if the Creator grants that I shall live long enough) my breasts will be sagging, my hair will be graying, and my skin will be old and wrinkled. The beauty and sexuality of youth will leave me and I will be a withered shell. (And though I may be able to tie my breasts in knots or sling them over my shoulders for entertainment at parties, it still remains that I will have saggy, unattractive bobbies.)
As melancholy as all of this seems, it helps me to better appreciate what I have now. I am not perfect, but I am young...and there is no cosmetic, astringent, or anti-aging cream that can truly re-create the beauty of youth. All of us, all of you, my friends, my family, inspite of any physical imperfections we have...if we are overweight or our teeth are crooked and not so white as we'd like them to be...if our muscles are not as defined as that guy and girl's on the cover of Muscle magazine...if we are losing our hair...inspite of it all, we are still beautiful, we are young, we are still alive. So I will enjoy what I have while I still have it, and remember it when I am 80 and my hair is white and my breasts touch my knees while I am sitting. :)
I am also vexed by aging because it reminds me of the mistakes that I've made in my past. If I could only go back to 19 and right all of the wrongs that I've done since that point. But then, I would not be who I am. Living and years we must lose to gain knowledge and, hopefully, wisdom. And if I were to go back to 19, I would be 19 again in body and in mind. I would not have the knowledge that I have now and would most likely make the same choices, the same mistakes. :) Funny, isn't it?
The best that I can hope for is to take the knowledge that I have gained and try to pass it on to my brother's daughter, to the children that my sister will one day have, and to the children that I will one day have. Hopefully, they will heed my counsel and save themselves my errors. But then I'm sure they'll only find new errors to make, and they will gain their own wisdom, and they will attempt to pass that knowledge on to the next generation. :)
Well, it's my birthday. I'm 24. And I'm going to go and live this day.
My thoughts are with all of you, my friends and my family. I miss you!
~ CLG
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