See? I'm not dead!
It's been a bit since I've updated, so I wanted to write to assure those of you who care that I'm still here. Or...well...if I am dead then I look pretty fucking good for a reanimated corpse. (And pretty fucking bad for a normal living human twenty-something.)
Anyway, I've been quite busy. Just got back from a cruise to the Cayman Islands and Cozumel, Mexico a week ago. It was fabulous and I'm currently working on the blog describing my trip. It's gonna be a long one. And amusing.
For now I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!!
And I wanted to share a little steam of consciousness sort unpoem thingie:
Cupid's Miss
Lying on my bed, crying into a pillow that I am holding so tightly. My face is hot and my hair sticks to my cheeks, wet by my tears. Gulping for air, I close my eyes.
I'm thirteen again. And it's Chris Vint, quarter back of the football team. I can see him in first period History class. Cute ass, sweet smile, and those ice-colored eyes...devoid of any intelligent thought.
I'm fifteen and here's Doug Lucas, center on the basketball team. He's asking me to dance and it's Valentine's Day. The most popular boy in school with those too-blue eyes...focused only on his cock.
I'm seventeen and it's Joe Carlucci, the quiet loner and creative intellectual. He's kissing me in the front seat of my mother's car. Smoldering, thoughtful brown eyes peering at me through that dissheveled black hair, and the warmest smile in the world...shattered one night by the back of his hand.
I'm eighteen...I'm nineteen...I'm twenty-five...I'm twenty-six and I guess, sometimes, I'm Cupid's miss.
I want somebody who sees the pointlessness and still keeps their purpose in mind;
I want somebody who has a tortured soul...some of the time;
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery;
Or maybe just put it all to words and make me say, "You know, I never heard it put that way".
Make me say, "What did you just say?"
~Ani Difranco "Asking Too Much"
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Monday, January 24, 2005
A good cry...
I finished an hour crying session just now. And it felt really, really good.
I've cried about four times since I've lived in Baltimore. Once because I missed my family & friends. Once because of a conversation with Ben. Once because of a conversation with Craig. And tonight.
Tonight Rose & I watched Garden State. The main character is a very numb twenty something male whose mother has just died. He returns to his New Jersey for the funeral. While there he stops taking the antidepressants his psychiatrist father has been prescribing him since he was 10 years old. He realizes that his life has been fucked up, however he’s tired of being medicated and he wants to work things out. He meets a quirky semi-fucked up chica who inspires him and whom he falls in love with and so forth and so on. It’s a really cute film.
In my current blah mood I of course shed a few tears at the end of the movie. And then I took myself into my room, sat in the floor in front of my wonderful little heater, and cried and cried and cried. And I thought, “Why am I crying?” And I answered, “Because I’m lonely. Because I want mine. Because I want my, quirky, fantastic, imperfect, and possibly fucked up person to love who will love me back.” And I’ve been looking so hard for so long. For too long. And in the meanwhile I’ve lost focus of things that used to be very important to me. And I’ve become this unthinking, reacting, tortured creature.
I came to Baltimore to change. All I’ve changed thus far is my geographic location. I’m still caught in the same negative thinking, the same negative behaviors. It can’t continue. The creature in me must die.
I gave up hope on the whole dating thing a few weeks ago after a really horrid dating experience with a guy in DC. I said to myself, “That’s it! No more! I’m not gonna keep putting myself through this shit! If I find someone, I’ll find them by luck!” And that’s when I realized that I had been looking awful hard for an awful long time. And I realized that the reason I was looking so hard was because I really wasn’t comfortable with the idea of being alone. (I hate to say you were right Chris & Steve…but when you’re right, you’re right.)
Okay. So I don’t want to face the burden of buying a house alone. I don’t want to think that I may have to get knocked up by some random guy or get artificially inseminated to have children. I don’t like the idea of raising a child by myself. I don’t like the idea of living through my 40s, 50s, 60s, alone. I want someone to love passionately, purely, honestly. I want someone to grow old with. To build a home and family with.
So no. I don’t like being alone. I don’t want to be alone forever. But right now…right now I need to be alone so I can get myself together again. Right now I want to be alone. So I can rearrange this mess in my head.
It’s a start, I think. A step forward. From here I guess I just keep working to untangle everything. Do positive activities, like exercise or dance or mess with my guitar when I'm feeling down. And just be okay with being me all by myself.
I think I’m gonna be okay. For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful. And where there's hope anything is possible.
I finished an hour crying session just now. And it felt really, really good.
I've cried about four times since I've lived in Baltimore. Once because I missed my family & friends. Once because of a conversation with Ben. Once because of a conversation with Craig. And tonight.
Tonight Rose & I watched Garden State. The main character is a very numb twenty something male whose mother has just died. He returns to his New Jersey for the funeral. While there he stops taking the antidepressants his psychiatrist father has been prescribing him since he was 10 years old. He realizes that his life has been fucked up, however he’s tired of being medicated and he wants to work things out. He meets a quirky semi-fucked up chica who inspires him and whom he falls in love with and so forth and so on. It’s a really cute film.
In my current blah mood I of course shed a few tears at the end of the movie. And then I took myself into my room, sat in the floor in front of my wonderful little heater, and cried and cried and cried. And I thought, “Why am I crying?” And I answered, “Because I’m lonely. Because I want mine. Because I want my, quirky, fantastic, imperfect, and possibly fucked up person to love who will love me back.” And I’ve been looking so hard for so long. For too long. And in the meanwhile I’ve lost focus of things that used to be very important to me. And I’ve become this unthinking, reacting, tortured creature.
I came to Baltimore to change. All I’ve changed thus far is my geographic location. I’m still caught in the same negative thinking, the same negative behaviors. It can’t continue. The creature in me must die.
I gave up hope on the whole dating thing a few weeks ago after a really horrid dating experience with a guy in DC. I said to myself, “That’s it! No more! I’m not gonna keep putting myself through this shit! If I find someone, I’ll find them by luck!” And that’s when I realized that I had been looking awful hard for an awful long time. And I realized that the reason I was looking so hard was because I really wasn’t comfortable with the idea of being alone. (I hate to say you were right Chris & Steve…but when you’re right, you’re right.)
Okay. So I don’t want to face the burden of buying a house alone. I don’t want to think that I may have to get knocked up by some random guy or get artificially inseminated to have children. I don’t like the idea of raising a child by myself. I don’t like the idea of living through my 40s, 50s, 60s, alone. I want someone to love passionately, purely, honestly. I want someone to grow old with. To build a home and family with.
So no. I don’t like being alone. I don’t want to be alone forever. But right now…right now I need to be alone so I can get myself together again. Right now I want to be alone. So I can rearrange this mess in my head.
It’s a start, I think. A step forward. From here I guess I just keep working to untangle everything. Do positive activities, like exercise or dance or mess with my guitar when I'm feeling down. And just be okay with being me all by myself.
I think I’m gonna be okay. For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful. And where there's hope anything is possible.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
New Year's Eve in Baltimore
New Year's Eve in Charm City was...well...charming. Rose & I went down to Fell's Point to watch the fireworks display and to meet up with Colin. Colin is a new friend I've made here, with the help of Scott Brooks. He's also from WV and a chef at a landmark restaurant called The Owl Bar. And he sucks at Soul Calibur II.
Anyway, there were SO many fucking people out! Twenty-something parents with their wee children. Entire family groups with moms, dads, kids, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents all drinking together. Groups of twenty or thirty-something men eyeing the gaggles of scantily clad (and freezing) young females with their bodies on display. I saw people dressed in jeans, sweaters, coats, hats...and some in mini skirts, heels, fishnet stockings, and tops that were held on with bits of metallic string...and the rest were somewhere in between.
Midnight struck and the first fireworks exploded into the sky, brilliant red and gold! I hugged Rose and wished her a Happy New Year! I tried to call my parents and brother, but the line was busy. I then tried to call Chris' phone to wish all of my people in Columbus a Happy New Year, but the Cingular network was so overloaded with calls, I couldn't get through. So I put the phone back in my bag and turned my attention to the sparkles in the sky. It was a lovely display, but after about 30 minutes my attention began wandering and I was shivering from the cold. And it was half-past midnight on New Year's Eve and I wasn't drunk! Worse, I hadn't even had my first drop of alcohol!
So Rose and I walked back down the pier, wharf, whatever in search of a warm bar in which we could take shelter while waiting for Colin to arrive. We settled on a place called Max's and at that moment my phone rang and Colin emerged from the crowd. Max's was really too crowded so we decided to walk around to find a nice pub in which we could sit comfortably and talk. Most places were packed to the point that one would have to squeeze their way through the door and would be pressed up against people on all sides while in the establishment. Having a relatively normal sized personal space bubble, I didn't find that at all appealing. Finally we settled on a place called DuClaw Brewing Company.
I'd been to DuClaw before with Craig, but neither Rose nor Colin had been. They brew their own beer, (hence "Brewing Company") and let me tell ya, it kicks ass! And what makes it so sweet (and by "sweet" I mean "totally awesome") the beers have kick ass names too! Like Bare Ass Blonde Ale, Naked Fish, Misfit Red, Devil's Milk, Bad Moon Porter, Ravenwood, Mad Bishop, and Twisted Kilt. Cool, huh? I want to take Shawn, Chris, & Ken here when they come...among other places with good beer.
Anyway, I had two Misfit Red's, a Bare Ass Blonde, and a half of a Red-headed Slut. (God that's the worst shot in the universe! It tasted like Children's Tylenol cough syrup!) I called Chris' phone back and got through this time to wish everyone a Happy New Year. Chris reported that he was sitting on the curb outside of Claddagh's in Columbus trying to sober up so he could drive everyone home. He informed me that Ken had had a wee bit too much to drink as he was taking off his clothes in the pub and at one point was down to his boxers! I asked to talk to Shawn and he adamently refused, stating that Shawn was indisposed. I thought it was just Chris being difficult so I demanded to speak with Shawn. Chris asked Shawn if he wanted to talk and I heard Shawn say, "Yeah...I don't feel so good." And then I heard the sound of gagging and then something liquid & squishy hitting pavement. Promptly followed by the sound of Chris' amused, yet pitying laughter. Yeah. DAMN! I SO WISH I HAD BEEN THERE!!!! I missed you guys so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, while enjoying my beer I received a mysterious text message wishing me a Happy New Year. This same number had sent me a Merry Christmas wish and I'd never figured out who it was. So this time I decided to call it. It turned out to be some complete stranger named Ray. Ray had text messaged me by mistake. Anyway, he was very friendly and we wished each other a Happy New Year and that was that.
By the time we left DuClaw I was feeling very festive. It was 2AM and all the bars were closing, so Rose decided to go home. Colin told me of an after hours party at another bar...it would be open until 4AM! Wooo hooo! You know me! So we went to the Ottobar, which seemed like a very rock n' roll, punk sort of establishment. We played video puzzle games, had drunken conversation, and I had an Amstel Light (I think) and a Long Island Iced Tea. I was fucked up when the 4AM hour rolled around.
So I was drunk, Colin was buzzed, and we were downtown. Luckily, he lives downtown so he drove the few blocks to his apt. and we crashed hard. The next morning I awoke with extreme cotton mouth and an irrational craving for the greek omelete served at the Nautilus Diner. So up we got and picked up Rose and ate greasy breakfast food. And then I went to work with a perfect hangover.
And that, my friends, is how New Year's is supposed to be! No offense to Colin or Rose, but I so missed my friends. I wished that you guys had been with us! Next year I'm not going to be without you! It just didn't feel right without you guys! I love you. =)
New Year's Eve in Charm City was...well...charming. Rose & I went down to Fell's Point to watch the fireworks display and to meet up with Colin. Colin is a new friend I've made here, with the help of Scott Brooks. He's also from WV and a chef at a landmark restaurant called The Owl Bar. And he sucks at Soul Calibur II.
Anyway, there were SO many fucking people out! Twenty-something parents with their wee children. Entire family groups with moms, dads, kids, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents all drinking together. Groups of twenty or thirty-something men eyeing the gaggles of scantily clad (and freezing) young females with their bodies on display. I saw people dressed in jeans, sweaters, coats, hats...and some in mini skirts, heels, fishnet stockings, and tops that were held on with bits of metallic string...and the rest were somewhere in between.
Midnight struck and the first fireworks exploded into the sky, brilliant red and gold! I hugged Rose and wished her a Happy New Year! I tried to call my parents and brother, but the line was busy. I then tried to call Chris' phone to wish all of my people in Columbus a Happy New Year, but the Cingular network was so overloaded with calls, I couldn't get through. So I put the phone back in my bag and turned my attention to the sparkles in the sky. It was a lovely display, but after about 30 minutes my attention began wandering and I was shivering from the cold. And it was half-past midnight on New Year's Eve and I wasn't drunk! Worse, I hadn't even had my first drop of alcohol!
So Rose and I walked back down the pier, wharf, whatever in search of a warm bar in which we could take shelter while waiting for Colin to arrive. We settled on a place called Max's and at that moment my phone rang and Colin emerged from the crowd. Max's was really too crowded so we decided to walk around to find a nice pub in which we could sit comfortably and talk. Most places were packed to the point that one would have to squeeze their way through the door and would be pressed up against people on all sides while in the establishment. Having a relatively normal sized personal space bubble, I didn't find that at all appealing. Finally we settled on a place called DuClaw Brewing Company.
I'd been to DuClaw before with Craig, but neither Rose nor Colin had been. They brew their own beer, (hence "Brewing Company") and let me tell ya, it kicks ass! And what makes it so sweet (and by "sweet" I mean "totally awesome") the beers have kick ass names too! Like Bare Ass Blonde Ale, Naked Fish, Misfit Red, Devil's Milk, Bad Moon Porter, Ravenwood, Mad Bishop, and Twisted Kilt. Cool, huh? I want to take Shawn, Chris, & Ken here when they come...among other places with good beer.
Anyway, I had two Misfit Red's, a Bare Ass Blonde, and a half of a Red-headed Slut. (God that's the worst shot in the universe! It tasted like Children's Tylenol cough syrup!) I called Chris' phone back and got through this time to wish everyone a Happy New Year. Chris reported that he was sitting on the curb outside of Claddagh's in Columbus trying to sober up so he could drive everyone home. He informed me that Ken had had a wee bit too much to drink as he was taking off his clothes in the pub and at one point was down to his boxers! I asked to talk to Shawn and he adamently refused, stating that Shawn was indisposed. I thought it was just Chris being difficult so I demanded to speak with Shawn. Chris asked Shawn if he wanted to talk and I heard Shawn say, "Yeah...I don't feel so good." And then I heard the sound of gagging and then something liquid & squishy hitting pavement. Promptly followed by the sound of Chris' amused, yet pitying laughter. Yeah. DAMN! I SO WISH I HAD BEEN THERE!!!! I missed you guys so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, while enjoying my beer I received a mysterious text message wishing me a Happy New Year. This same number had sent me a Merry Christmas wish and I'd never figured out who it was. So this time I decided to call it. It turned out to be some complete stranger named Ray. Ray had text messaged me by mistake. Anyway, he was very friendly and we wished each other a Happy New Year and that was that.
By the time we left DuClaw I was feeling very festive. It was 2AM and all the bars were closing, so Rose decided to go home. Colin told me of an after hours party at another bar...it would be open until 4AM! Wooo hooo! You know me! So we went to the Ottobar, which seemed like a very rock n' roll, punk sort of establishment. We played video puzzle games, had drunken conversation, and I had an Amstel Light (I think) and a Long Island Iced Tea. I was fucked up when the 4AM hour rolled around.
So I was drunk, Colin was buzzed, and we were downtown. Luckily, he lives downtown so he drove the few blocks to his apt. and we crashed hard. The next morning I awoke with extreme cotton mouth and an irrational craving for the greek omelete served at the Nautilus Diner. So up we got and picked up Rose and ate greasy breakfast food. And then I went to work with a perfect hangover.
And that, my friends, is how New Year's is supposed to be! No offense to Colin or Rose, but I so missed my friends. I wished that you guys had been with us! Next year I'm not going to be without you! It just didn't feel right without you guys! I love you. =)
Monday, January 10, 2005
We wish you a Harry Krishna
Rose and I went home to WV for Christmas. Super-intelligent creatures that we are, we decided to drive in after having worked all day and been up all the previous night wrapping Christmas gifts for our family. So with zero sleep and limited lucidity, we made it to WV at half-past midnight on Christmas Eve. (Well...I suppose that means we got there Christmas morn.) At any rate, we arrived before Santa and his eight tiny reindeer and promptly passed out from exhaustion. Luckily, we were awakened with shouts of "Santa tame Ant Wose and Ant Twiss!" by our darling Meg at 5:00 AM. Luckily. Or else we might've gotten some rest. =)
But I'm not complaining. It was a lovely Christmas morning, surrounded by my wonderfully warm and loving family. I am truly blessed. =) Meg was, of course, adorable opening her gifts. She attempted to stop half-way through because she had gotten the two things that she'd asked for and I think she was a little overwhelmed. And she was eager to actually play with the toys Santa, her parents, Grandma, Grandpa, & the Aunts had gotten her.
We've the whole thing video taped so that I can relive her cuteness at my leisure, however there were a few moments that stood out in my mind. One was when she opened the karaoke machine that Rose had gotten her. She gasped and said, "Just what I always wanted for Christmas!!!" It was so hilarious! And the joy when she opened the Barbie horse I had gotten her. "It's Spirit's Mom!!!", she exclaimed happily, jumping straight up from the traditional 3 year-old's kneeling gift opening position.
The third moment happened later in the morning. After all the gifts were opened, my family and I just sat around in the living room drinking coffee,eating some of the chocolate that Santa had left in our big red stockings, and watching Meg play with her My Little Ponies. It was a nice peaceful moment. The overhead lights were off in the living room and the Christmas tree was twinkling with all of it's might...green, red, blue, yellow, over and over again. It was still dark out, but the night was beginning to fade from black to a crisp, deep, & misty blue. We all talked in hushed voices. It was home and it was lovely. I finished my coffee and got down on the floor with my little munchkin and her little ponies. She ordered me to lay down and I did and she began using my body for hills and mountains upon which the little ponies galloped. It was damn cute. Then she started walking all over me and giggling maniacally! She walked up my legs and stood on my stomach for a minute. Then she said, "Hold my hands, Ant Twiss." So I did. And then she walked up my chest...and carefully and purposefully placed one of her little feet on one of my breasts. Once she steadied herself, she placed the other foot on the other breast! And then said, "I'm standin' on you boobies, Ant Twiss!" And I laughed until I couldn't breathe...and I thought my mom was either going to suffocate or piss herself!
So Christmas was fantastic...but short.
THE END
Next issue read about The Amazon's New Year's Eve celebration, Phantom of the Opera induced depression & psychosis, and why she's giving up dating!!!
Rose and I went home to WV for Christmas. Super-intelligent creatures that we are, we decided to drive in after having worked all day and been up all the previous night wrapping Christmas gifts for our family. So with zero sleep and limited lucidity, we made it to WV at half-past midnight on Christmas Eve. (Well...I suppose that means we got there Christmas morn.) At any rate, we arrived before Santa and his eight tiny reindeer and promptly passed out from exhaustion. Luckily, we were awakened with shouts of "Santa tame Ant Wose and Ant Twiss!" by our darling Meg at 5:00 AM. Luckily. Or else we might've gotten some rest. =)
But I'm not complaining. It was a lovely Christmas morning, surrounded by my wonderfully warm and loving family. I am truly blessed. =) Meg was, of course, adorable opening her gifts. She attempted to stop half-way through because she had gotten the two things that she'd asked for and I think she was a little overwhelmed. And she was eager to actually play with the toys Santa, her parents, Grandma, Grandpa, & the Aunts had gotten her.
We've the whole thing video taped so that I can relive her cuteness at my leisure, however there were a few moments that stood out in my mind. One was when she opened the karaoke machine that Rose had gotten her. She gasped and said, "Just what I always wanted for Christmas!!!" It was so hilarious! And the joy when she opened the Barbie horse I had gotten her. "It's Spirit's Mom!!!", she exclaimed happily, jumping straight up from the traditional 3 year-old's kneeling gift opening position.
The third moment happened later in the morning. After all the gifts were opened, my family and I just sat around in the living room drinking coffee,eating some of the chocolate that Santa had left in our big red stockings, and watching Meg play with her My Little Ponies. It was a nice peaceful moment. The overhead lights were off in the living room and the Christmas tree was twinkling with all of it's might...green, red, blue, yellow, over and over again. It was still dark out, but the night was beginning to fade from black to a crisp, deep, & misty blue. We all talked in hushed voices. It was home and it was lovely. I finished my coffee and got down on the floor with my little munchkin and her little ponies. She ordered me to lay down and I did and she began using my body for hills and mountains upon which the little ponies galloped. It was damn cute. Then she started walking all over me and giggling maniacally! She walked up my legs and stood on my stomach for a minute. Then she said, "Hold my hands, Ant Twiss." So I did. And then she walked up my chest...and carefully and purposefully placed one of her little feet on one of my breasts. Once she steadied herself, she placed the other foot on the other breast! And then said, "I'm standin' on you boobies, Ant Twiss!" And I laughed until I couldn't breathe...and I thought my mom was either going to suffocate or piss herself!
So Christmas was fantastic...but short.
THE END
Next issue read about The Amazon's New Year's Eve celebration, Phantom of the Opera induced depression & psychosis, and why she's giving up dating!!!
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
People Love Asses
Back in February of 2002, I created this blog, my online personal journal. I needed a name for my newly birthed project on that cold February day long ago and so I referred to my refridgerator magnet poetry for inspiration.
There were two lines of poetry that were very special to me. Two lines that my good friend Shawn had strung together when I lived in a 6th Avenue apartment in Huntington, WV. And when I moved to lovely Saint Albans after completing college, I moved those two lines of poetry in tact. And those two lines were:
"Never manipulate my black lust god!!!" & "Skin my thousand asses!!!"
Because I wanted to honor my friend Shawn, and because I needed a title that would fit with the vision of what I wanted my journal to be, I chose the latter of those two beautiful lines of poetic verse.
You know, when I first named this website I didn't give any thought to the fact that having the word "ass" or "asses" in my title would determine what sort of people would randomly find me. It never crossed my mind that I would be inviting perverts and horny males of all ages to browse through the digital pages of my history. But today, as I browsed through the statistics and information complied for my by StatCounter.com, the harsh reality hit me.
As I read I found that several individuals had searched for pornography or nude photos and, most likely much to their disappointment, had found my site instead. Someone from Mountain View, CA had searched for "Big old asses" at 1:24 AM. Someone from Flint, MI wanted to see some "thick black asses" today at 12:45 AM. An internet user from Paragould City Light & Water in Little Rock, AR searched for "pregnant porn". A horny individual with high standards from Denver, CO wanted to see "perfect asses" & a qwirky cuss with his wang dangling from Lewiston, ID wanted "apple bottom asses". My personal favorite, however, came from the little town of Magnolia, AR. This individual wanted a down home country girl as he/she was searching for pictures of "cornbread fed asses"!
Initially, I was a bit perturbed by the fact that I have pervs and porn-a-holics reading my personal info. Then I felt relief as I noticed that most of them only stayed on the site a matter of seconds before clicking off so that they could get off. And then I felt somewhat pleased that the title of my site was interesting enough to attract their attention for even a second! Shawn, I owe you so much! If it weren't for your clever words, I might never have been touched by so many dirty minded people! Thank you!!! Thank you!!!!!!
And now in the style of Wank I ponder, "What have I learned today?"
Well, I've learned that people love asses! So much that they search for pictures of all shapes, sizes, and colors of them on the Internet daily! Here's to all you ass lovers out there!
Back in February of 2002, I created this blog, my online personal journal. I needed a name for my newly birthed project on that cold February day long ago and so I referred to my refridgerator magnet poetry for inspiration.
There were two lines of poetry that were very special to me. Two lines that my good friend Shawn had strung together when I lived in a 6th Avenue apartment in Huntington, WV. And when I moved to lovely Saint Albans after completing college, I moved those two lines of poetry in tact. And those two lines were:
"Never manipulate my black lust god!!!" & "Skin my thousand asses!!!"
Because I wanted to honor my friend Shawn, and because I needed a title that would fit with the vision of what I wanted my journal to be, I chose the latter of those two beautiful lines of poetic verse.
You know, when I first named this website I didn't give any thought to the fact that having the word "ass" or "asses" in my title would determine what sort of people would randomly find me. It never crossed my mind that I would be inviting perverts and horny males of all ages to browse through the digital pages of my history. But today, as I browsed through the statistics and information complied for my by StatCounter.com, the harsh reality hit me.
As I read I found that several individuals had searched for pornography or nude photos and, most likely much to their disappointment, had found my site instead. Someone from Mountain View, CA had searched for "Big old asses" at 1:24 AM. Someone from Flint, MI wanted to see some "thick black asses" today at 12:45 AM. An internet user from Paragould City Light & Water in Little Rock, AR searched for "pregnant porn". A horny individual with high standards from Denver, CO wanted to see "perfect asses" & a qwirky cuss with his wang dangling from Lewiston, ID wanted "apple bottom asses". My personal favorite, however, came from the little town of Magnolia, AR. This individual wanted a down home country girl as he/she was searching for pictures of "cornbread fed asses"!
Initially, I was a bit perturbed by the fact that I have pervs and porn-a-holics reading my personal info. Then I felt relief as I noticed that most of them only stayed on the site a matter of seconds before clicking off so that they could get off. And then I felt somewhat pleased that the title of my site was interesting enough to attract their attention for even a second! Shawn, I owe you so much! If it weren't for your clever words, I might never have been touched by so many dirty minded people! Thank you!!! Thank you!!!!!!
And now in the style of Wank I ponder, "What have I learned today?"
Well, I've learned that people love asses! So much that they search for pictures of all shapes, sizes, and colors of them on the Internet daily! Here's to all you ass lovers out there!
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Nyquil? Tylenol Cold? Cipro? God? Something please help me!!!!
I'm tired of being sick!!! I hacked and coughed for most of the night, and didn't rest well until later in the morning. I was supposed to get up early and do the Christmas shopping for one of my residents at work. But becaue of my poor night's rest, I didn't get up early enough to go to the mall. So I called my supervisor and she was like, "Oh, I was hoping all of that would be done tonight." And I had to defend myself, "Well, I intended to have it done, but I didn't plan on being up most of the night coughing and choking on my mucus."
I've been sick for a little over a week and I've gone to work every damn day. I had to work this weekend, so I've had no real rest. And tomorrow, on my day off, they're having the Christmas party for the girls at work and it would be frowned upon if I don't show up.
I feel like shit. I don't want to go to work today. I know I have to go in on my "day off" tomorrow. I'm feeling terribly untherapeutic at the moment.
I'm tired of being sick!!! I hacked and coughed for most of the night, and didn't rest well until later in the morning. I was supposed to get up early and do the Christmas shopping for one of my residents at work. But becaue of my poor night's rest, I didn't get up early enough to go to the mall. So I called my supervisor and she was like, "Oh, I was hoping all of that would be done tonight." And I had to defend myself, "Well, I intended to have it done, but I didn't plan on being up most of the night coughing and choking on my mucus."
I've been sick for a little over a week and I've gone to work every damn day. I had to work this weekend, so I've had no real rest. And tomorrow, on my day off, they're having the Christmas party for the girls at work and it would be frowned upon if I don't show up.
I feel like shit. I don't want to go to work today. I know I have to go in on my "day off" tomorrow. I'm feeling terribly untherapeutic at the moment.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Winter isn't coming! It already came! Right on the winshield of my car!!
People in Baltimore DO NOT know how to drive in ice and snow!
Several stupid Baltimorians driving in front of me on my way home tonight seemed perturbed when they tried to go up an incline and found it somewhat icy. So instead of slowing down, kicking their car into low gear, and proceeding up the hill they turn around in the middle of the fucking road, nearly causing several accidents, and drove back down the icy hill! Does this make the slightest bit of sense to anyone out there? IDIOTS!
And you would've thought a blizzard had hit tonight from Rose's report of the activity down at the local Superfresh (grocery store). Lines 10 people long at every register, including the self-check out lanes.
Oh boy. Now this should be an interesting winter.
Light My Fire, damn it!!!
I coaxed Crescent & Rose into joining me to go see a band on Saturday. As were about to be whisked away by Rosie in her Benzie toward the Box of Funk, Craig returned from Christmas shopping and decided to accompany us. So Craig, Crescent, Rose & I all took a trip down to Federal Hill in Baltimore to the Funk Box, and a trip back in time, to see The Doors!
Well...okay. So it wasn't really the Doors. (I understand that Jim Morrison is quite dead and buried in gay Paris. May we all lament for the death of his cock. Sore and crucified.) It was a tribute band called The Soft Parade, the members of which make it their business to "recreate the theatrical, poetic, primal atmosphere of a live Doors concert for today's audiences."
It was almost insane, really. The lead singer had the long Jimmy Morrison wavy locks, the tight black leather pants, the big ugly brown leather jacket, the whole deal! He looked like Jim Morrison might have, if he had lived and hit the middle-age spread. Basically, it was fat Jimmy...kinda like fat Elvis.
The keyboard player looked very much like Ray Manzarek, keyboardist for the Doors, complete with the 70's style blonde mop hairdo, ugly shirt & blazer combo, and large framed 70's glasses. And the guitarist might have passed on the street for Robby Krieger, guitarist for the Doors, with his receding frizzed out shoulder length hair & hideous 70's attire. The drummer, however, didn't look much at all like John Densmore, drummer for the Doors. Nope. But boy was he sexy! =)
So, they had the look, but more impressive, they really and truly had the sound of the Doors. The lead singer actually sounded like Jim Morrison! The keyboardist used the same type of keyboards that Manzarek used to play and he played them well! It was terribly...well...groovy!
The first couple of songs were somewhat disappointing, as no one in the group knew them. But then they played "People are Strange" and everyone was able to sing along. After that, I'm pretty sure that I knew every song but a couple. Crescent and I were wiggling our asses and doing silly dances once the alcohol lowered our inhibitions a bit. (Rose didn't drink due to being the DD. Craig didn't drink because he is a GREAT, HUGE WALKING VAGINA!!! Well...that and he has tummy troubles.)
I demonstrated for Crescent the famous hippy finger watching dance that Beth (Ben's pot head-hippy-next door neighbor at 1913 6th Avenue) taught me at the Stoned Monkey in 1997 after getting me totally stoned in her car. Cres and I went downstairs and danced with the other drunken fools in front of the stage. After a few minutes, we noticed that the dance floor was actually bending & bouncing under the weight of all the people. We were afraid that we'd fall through to the trendy black toilets in the bathrooms down below, so we went back up to the balcony section to rejoin Craig and Rose.
In between every song, the band asked for requests. In the beginning I screamed out, "L.A. Woman!" or "Riders on the Storm!". As the night wore on, I got a little anxious that I wouldn't get to hear my all time favorite Doors song, "Light my Fire". So I began yelling out "Light my Fire!" And Crescent began saying, "Light her Fire!! For the love of god, light this woman's fire!!!" So they began singing "The End", which is a song that often ended many Doors concerts, and I began to feel drunkenly disappointed. And then they said goodnight and walked off stage! I joined in the chorus of people screaming, "Encore! Encore!", stamping my boots and clapping my hands. And, of course, they came back! And I screamed "Light my Fire, damn it!!!" one last time. And they did. And I danced and sang and acted a fool...and felt very happy doing it! =)
The Thirsty Dog & the Quest for the glowing Golden Arches
After enjoying the wonder that was The Soft Parade, we staggered and walked down the street to The Thirsty Dog Pub, which is a little brew pub a few doors down from the Funk Box on Federal Hill. It's a bar that actually allows owners to bring their mutts if they so choose. I discovered it during my date with Eric, the Jew. It's a very charming little place, with a fireplace blazing on the first floor and a second floor with cozy seating and charming bare brick walls. Crescent and I drank two Peach Dogs each.
People in Baltimore DO NOT know how to drive in ice and snow!
Several stupid Baltimorians driving in front of me on my way home tonight seemed perturbed when they tried to go up an incline and found it somewhat icy. So instead of slowing down, kicking their car into low gear, and proceeding up the hill they turn around in the middle of the fucking road, nearly causing several accidents, and drove back down the icy hill! Does this make the slightest bit of sense to anyone out there? IDIOTS!
And you would've thought a blizzard had hit tonight from Rose's report of the activity down at the local Superfresh (grocery store). Lines 10 people long at every register, including the self-check out lanes.
Oh boy. Now this should be an interesting winter.
Light My Fire, damn it!!!
I coaxed Crescent & Rose into joining me to go see a band on Saturday. As were about to be whisked away by Rosie in her Benzie toward the Box of Funk, Craig returned from Christmas shopping and decided to accompany us. So Craig, Crescent, Rose & I all took a trip down to Federal Hill in Baltimore to the Funk Box, and a trip back in time, to see The Doors!
Well...okay. So it wasn't really the Doors. (I understand that Jim Morrison is quite dead and buried in gay Paris. May we all lament for the death of his cock. Sore and crucified.) It was a tribute band called The Soft Parade, the members of which make it their business to "recreate the theatrical, poetic, primal atmosphere of a live Doors concert for today's audiences."
It was almost insane, really. The lead singer had the long Jimmy Morrison wavy locks, the tight black leather pants, the big ugly brown leather jacket, the whole deal! He looked like Jim Morrison might have, if he had lived and hit the middle-age spread. Basically, it was fat Jimmy...kinda like fat Elvis.
The keyboard player looked very much like Ray Manzarek, keyboardist for the Doors, complete with the 70's style blonde mop hairdo, ugly shirt & blazer combo, and large framed 70's glasses. And the guitarist might have passed on the street for Robby Krieger, guitarist for the Doors, with his receding frizzed out shoulder length hair & hideous 70's attire. The drummer, however, didn't look much at all like John Densmore, drummer for the Doors. Nope. But boy was he sexy! =)
So, they had the look, but more impressive, they really and truly had the sound of the Doors. The lead singer actually sounded like Jim Morrison! The keyboardist used the same type of keyboards that Manzarek used to play and he played them well! It was terribly...well...groovy!
The first couple of songs were somewhat disappointing, as no one in the group knew them. But then they played "People are Strange" and everyone was able to sing along. After that, I'm pretty sure that I knew every song but a couple. Crescent and I were wiggling our asses and doing silly dances once the alcohol lowered our inhibitions a bit. (Rose didn't drink due to being the DD. Craig didn't drink because he is a GREAT, HUGE WALKING VAGINA!!! Well...that and he has tummy troubles.)
I demonstrated for Crescent the famous hippy finger watching dance that Beth (Ben's pot head-hippy-next door neighbor at 1913 6th Avenue) taught me at the Stoned Monkey in 1997 after getting me totally stoned in her car. Cres and I went downstairs and danced with the other drunken fools in front of the stage. After a few minutes, we noticed that the dance floor was actually bending & bouncing under the weight of all the people. We were afraid that we'd fall through to the trendy black toilets in the bathrooms down below, so we went back up to the balcony section to rejoin Craig and Rose.
In between every song, the band asked for requests. In the beginning I screamed out, "L.A. Woman!" or "Riders on the Storm!". As the night wore on, I got a little anxious that I wouldn't get to hear my all time favorite Doors song, "Light my Fire". So I began yelling out "Light my Fire!" And Crescent began saying, "Light her Fire!! For the love of god, light this woman's fire!!!" So they began singing "The End", which is a song that often ended many Doors concerts, and I began to feel drunkenly disappointed. And then they said goodnight and walked off stage! I joined in the chorus of people screaming, "Encore! Encore!", stamping my boots and clapping my hands. And, of course, they came back! And I screamed "Light my Fire, damn it!!!" one last time. And they did. And I danced and sang and acted a fool...and felt very happy doing it! =)
The Thirsty Dog & the Quest for the glowing Golden Arches
After enjoying the wonder that was The Soft Parade, we staggered and walked down the street to The Thirsty Dog Pub, which is a little brew pub a few doors down from the Funk Box on Federal Hill. It's a bar that actually allows owners to bring their mutts if they so choose. I discovered it during my date with Eric, the Jew. It's a very charming little place, with a fireplace blazing on the first floor and a second floor with cozy seating and charming bare brick walls. Crescent and I drank two Peach Dogs each.
As we were contemplating the idea of going back to Cres & Craig's townhome to order pizza, the waitress asked us to finish our beer downstairs as the bar would be closing soon. Maryland is slightly retarded when it comes to the time the bars close...2 AM. Who ever heard of such a thing? Baltimore is a large, advanced city!!! Doesn't it follow reason that their bars should stay open later? All night, in fact?
Well, we walked downstairs, guzzling and gulping our amber nectar and I'm sure I ranted against the early closing of the bar for a moment or two. Somehow our conversation turned to McDonald's and Crescent suddenly became a Big Mac fiend, bound and determined that we should set forth at once to the land of Golden Arches! And so we began our quest for an open McDonald's with a glimmer of hope. But that hope was extinguished when we founde every drive-thru window dark & every Golden Arch dimmed. It was a very sad & hungry Crescent that we left with Craig on their doorstep that night.
Baltimore area DMB Wannabes
The Dave Matthews Band Wannabes actually have a name and a website. You can learn more about These Crowded Streets <--- by clicking on that link.
Friday, December 17, 2004
To believe...
I spent this evening painting ceramics and watching The Santa Clause and Miracle on 34th Street with my girls at the Center.
In the middle of The Santa Clause, one of the girls responded with incredulity to a comment my coworker, Sonja, made regarding Santa being real. She then turned to me and asked, "Ms. Christina...do you believe in Santa Claus?"
I stopped and thought for a second and answered, "I believe in the spirit of Santa Claus. Or the spirit of Christmas or Christ or whatever you want to call it. The spirit of giving, loving, and believing in something bigger and more magical than ourselves."
That answer satisfied her and she turned back to the movie. She was done, but I became thoughtful. I realized that I'm such an adult now...giving the answer my mother gave me not too long ago. And I realized that I want nothing more than to be a child again. To be able to believe. To believe in Santa Claus. To believe in anything other than what I see with my own two eyes or hear with my own two ears. To believe in magic and those untouchable, pure things of dreams & fairytales.
But I'm all grown up now.
"everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
but everybody does
it's so weird to be back here
let me tell you what
the years go on and
we're still fighting it
and you're so much like me
i'm sorry"
~ Ben Folds from Still Fighting It
I spent this evening painting ceramics and watching The Santa Clause and Miracle on 34th Street with my girls at the Center.
In the middle of The Santa Clause, one of the girls responded with incredulity to a comment my coworker, Sonja, made regarding Santa being real. She then turned to me and asked, "Ms. Christina...do you believe in Santa Claus?"
I stopped and thought for a second and answered, "I believe in the spirit of Santa Claus. Or the spirit of Christmas or Christ or whatever you want to call it. The spirit of giving, loving, and believing in something bigger and more magical than ourselves."
That answer satisfied her and she turned back to the movie. She was done, but I became thoughtful. I realized that I'm such an adult now...giving the answer my mother gave me not too long ago. And I realized that I want nothing more than to be a child again. To be able to believe. To believe in Santa Claus. To believe in anything other than what I see with my own two eyes or hear with my own two ears. To believe in magic and those untouchable, pure things of dreams & fairytales.
But I'm all grown up now.
"everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
but everybody does
it's so weird to be back here
let me tell you what
the years go on and
we're still fighting it
and you're so much like me
i'm sorry"
~ Ben Folds from Still Fighting It
Thursday, December 16, 2004
A Random phone conversation
This morning I got a phone call from Captain Random himself, Eric Abston. He was just checking in to make sure the "Baltmore hood rats" hadn't beaten me to a bloody pulp. And he wished me a Merry ChrismaHanaKwanzakha! I ensured him that, although I've been kicked in the breast, and most recently punched in the right arm and kicked in the right leg (with big blue bruises to prove it), I'm holding my own at work.
He then spent the next 15 minutes telling me how fabulous Pointe Break is and demanding that I watch it soon. And he bitched about Maryland not having "misleading road signs" and "not enough gas stations" along the Interstates. He declared that he was going to save up a bunch of trash and litter all over the place the next time he was in my new state.
Crazy bastard! I miss him, though. =)
How OCD did she be?
Rose and I finished decorating for Christmas today and did a little shopping. It was nice to spend the day together. We haven't really got to do that much since I moved up here due to her working like a mad banshee all the time. But, yeah, it was nice.
We reminisced about Christmases past, and this and that, and she discussed her Obsessive/Compulsive traits quite candidly with me. She doesn't really have too many these days besides making sure that her food doesn't touch and making sure she eats everything on her plate in an orderly fashion. (Chinese food is stressful for her. And those weird concoctions that Dad sometimes throws together usually blow her mind.) But when we were younger, my oh my, how OCD she be.
I remember her doing this thing with her hands over and over before she went to sleep and she'd repeat this little prayer thing every time she'd do the hand thing: "I love mommy, and daddy, and bubby, and sissy, and I love Chris Noel!" When she got older she had this thing with shoes. She bought shoes like I bought candy and then she never wanted to throw them away! Even if they were tattered, stinky, and full of holes!
Today she told me that it usd to annoy the hell out of her if she'd accidentally touch something or brush something lightly as she walked past it. And she'd have to go back and firmly touch it before she'd feel at ease again. For example, she would walk through the kitchen and her hand would lightly brush the towel hanging on the refrigerator as she passed by. In her head, she felt like the towel would "itch" or be all freaked out and squirmy until she went by and firmly gripped it for a moment and then let it go. Interesting, isn't it?
People who demonstrate OCD traits usually are trying to distract themselves from a larger issue that's troubling them and the ritualistic and obsessive behavior they engage in keeps them preoccupied. Also it's related to control issues. OCD individuals are exerting control in some way over their environments through their behaviors. Very, very interesting.
Rosie, thanks for giving me permission to post your info. I really appreciate it!
DMB Wannabes
We went to see a Dave Matthews tribute/cover band tonight at one of my new favorite music venues, the The Funk Box. They were rather good. 'Specially that saxaphone player! Damn, he was wailing tonight, making it a little hard for me to stand still! =)
I'm glad we went. It always makes me feel alive to see music created before my eyes and in my ears. =)
Le Sigh: A Poem
Ick! Ick! Ick! I'm feeling sick!
Sinus trouble. Mucus bubble.
Hack! Hack! Hack! Snot green as Gak!
My throat is sore. White blood cell war.
Ill! Ill! Ill! I need Nyquil!
To lay down my head. In my lonely bed.
This morning I got a phone call from Captain Random himself, Eric Abston. He was just checking in to make sure the "Baltmore hood rats" hadn't beaten me to a bloody pulp. And he wished me a Merry ChrismaHanaKwanzakha! I ensured him that, although I've been kicked in the breast, and most recently punched in the right arm and kicked in the right leg (with big blue bruises to prove it), I'm holding my own at work.
He then spent the next 15 minutes telling me how fabulous Pointe Break is and demanding that I watch it soon. And he bitched about Maryland not having "misleading road signs" and "not enough gas stations" along the Interstates. He declared that he was going to save up a bunch of trash and litter all over the place the next time he was in my new state.
Crazy bastard! I miss him, though. =)
How OCD did she be?
Rose and I finished decorating for Christmas today and did a little shopping. It was nice to spend the day together. We haven't really got to do that much since I moved up here due to her working like a mad banshee all the time. But, yeah, it was nice.
We reminisced about Christmases past, and this and that, and she discussed her Obsessive/Compulsive traits quite candidly with me. She doesn't really have too many these days besides making sure that her food doesn't touch and making sure she eats everything on her plate in an orderly fashion. (Chinese food is stressful for her. And those weird concoctions that Dad sometimes throws together usually blow her mind.) But when we were younger, my oh my, how OCD she be.
I remember her doing this thing with her hands over and over before she went to sleep and she'd repeat this little prayer thing every time she'd do the hand thing: "I love mommy, and daddy, and bubby, and sissy, and I love Chris Noel!" When she got older she had this thing with shoes. She bought shoes like I bought candy and then she never wanted to throw them away! Even if they were tattered, stinky, and full of holes!
Today she told me that it usd to annoy the hell out of her if she'd accidentally touch something or brush something lightly as she walked past it. And she'd have to go back and firmly touch it before she'd feel at ease again. For example, she would walk through the kitchen and her hand would lightly brush the towel hanging on the refrigerator as she passed by. In her head, she felt like the towel would "itch" or be all freaked out and squirmy until she went by and firmly gripped it for a moment and then let it go. Interesting, isn't it?
People who demonstrate OCD traits usually are trying to distract themselves from a larger issue that's troubling them and the ritualistic and obsessive behavior they engage in keeps them preoccupied. Also it's related to control issues. OCD individuals are exerting control in some way over their environments through their behaviors. Very, very interesting.
Rosie, thanks for giving me permission to post your info. I really appreciate it!
DMB Wannabes
We went to see a Dave Matthews tribute/cover band tonight at one of my new favorite music venues, the The Funk Box. They were rather good. 'Specially that saxaphone player! Damn, he was wailing tonight, making it a little hard for me to stand still! =)
I'm glad we went. It always makes me feel alive to see music created before my eyes and in my ears. =)
Le Sigh: A Poem
Ick! Ick! Ick! I'm feeling sick!
Sinus trouble. Mucus bubble.
Hack! Hack! Hack! Snot green as Gak!
My throat is sore. White blood cell war.
Ill! Ill! Ill! I need Nyquil!
To lay down my head. In my lonely bed.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Last night I had a very disturbing dream.
It started with me and three other people in my car. We were all dressed in black and I knew that we were going to a funeral. Someone was dead. There was a twenty something male and female in the back...my friends...I'm not sure who. And a twenty something male in the front seat with me...I was driving.
We were anxious that we would be late. The guy in the front especially. And he was very sad. He sort of looked like Eric, the Jewish boy with whom I recently went on a date. He kept rubbing his hands together & covering his face, exhaling heavily. He was very, very pale. We flashed from the highway to the winding roads of a cemetery, the graves covered with green grass and the gently sloping little hills dotted with gigantic oaks and grey & white headstones.
We pulled up beside a black hearse in a little parking lot area near a mosuleum. The back of the hearse, instead of being closed and having a coffin laid out, was sort of extended out like a truck. Instead of a coffin, the deceased young man was sitting up in a large throne-like dark wooden chair with intricate carvings and gold detailing. His blazing blue eyes were open and he was looking straight ahead, with no expression on his face. My car window was closest to him and I looked up at him. He turned his pale face towards me and smiled a that big, beautiful, honest, & welcoming smile that I remembered. It was my former junior high boyfriend and former high school friend, Robert Honaker, who died July 14, 1997 when I was 18 and he was 20, in a terrible car accident.
He just smiled down at me and we said hi and exchanged a few words:
Me: I've missed you.
Him: Me too.
Me: This is sad, isn't it?
Him: Yeah. It is.
He shrugged, the smile faded from his face, and his eyes moved to the boy next to me. He now wore a troubled look. I turned to look at the boy next to me. He was sweating fiercely, hands on his knees, and breathing heavily. Frowning, I looked back to Robert. I had a pang of fear in my chest. His pale face was a mask of calm concern.
Me: So what now?
Him: It won't be long.
Suddenly the boy next to me said, "Oh god! I'm going to be sick! I need to throw up!" And he jumped out of the car and ran a few feet from my car, across the parking lot. I remember feeling alarmed and thinking, "Throw up? He can't. He's dead. He's been enbalmed. All of his organs are sealed in little plastic baggies! He can't vomit!"
Robert looked on with that calm, pitying look and my passengers and I looked on with horror as we watched our walking-dead friend attempt to vomit. He gagged. Clear liquid came out...yellowish liquid. And then he gagged and gagged. And out came a clear plastic bag with an organ, maybe his heart. Then a larger one...his lungs maybe? Yellowish green liquid came pouring out followed by plastic bag after plastic bag containing his precious organs.
And then I woke up.
It started with me and three other people in my car. We were all dressed in black and I knew that we were going to a funeral. Someone was dead. There was a twenty something male and female in the back...my friends...I'm not sure who. And a twenty something male in the front seat with me...I was driving.
We were anxious that we would be late. The guy in the front especially. And he was very sad. He sort of looked like Eric, the Jewish boy with whom I recently went on a date. He kept rubbing his hands together & covering his face, exhaling heavily. He was very, very pale. We flashed from the highway to the winding roads of a cemetery, the graves covered with green grass and the gently sloping little hills dotted with gigantic oaks and grey & white headstones.
We pulled up beside a black hearse in a little parking lot area near a mosuleum. The back of the hearse, instead of being closed and having a coffin laid out, was sort of extended out like a truck. Instead of a coffin, the deceased young man was sitting up in a large throne-like dark wooden chair with intricate carvings and gold detailing. His blazing blue eyes were open and he was looking straight ahead, with no expression on his face. My car window was closest to him and I looked up at him. He turned his pale face towards me and smiled a that big, beautiful, honest, & welcoming smile that I remembered. It was my former junior high boyfriend and former high school friend, Robert Honaker, who died July 14, 1997 when I was 18 and he was 20, in a terrible car accident.
He just smiled down at me and we said hi and exchanged a few words:
Me: I've missed you.
Him: Me too.
Me: This is sad, isn't it?
Him: Yeah. It is.
He shrugged, the smile faded from his face, and his eyes moved to the boy next to me. He now wore a troubled look. I turned to look at the boy next to me. He was sweating fiercely, hands on his knees, and breathing heavily. Frowning, I looked back to Robert. I had a pang of fear in my chest. His pale face was a mask of calm concern.
Me: So what now?
Him: It won't be long.
Suddenly the boy next to me said, "Oh god! I'm going to be sick! I need to throw up!" And he jumped out of the car and ran a few feet from my car, across the parking lot. I remember feeling alarmed and thinking, "Throw up? He can't. He's dead. He's been enbalmed. All of his organs are sealed in little plastic baggies! He can't vomit!"
Robert looked on with that calm, pitying look and my passengers and I looked on with horror as we watched our walking-dead friend attempt to vomit. He gagged. Clear liquid came out...yellowish liquid. And then he gagged and gagged. And out came a clear plastic bag with an organ, maybe his heart. Then a larger one...his lungs maybe? Yellowish green liquid came pouring out followed by plastic bag after plastic bag containing his precious organs.
And then I woke up.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Jim's Christmas party, Crescent, & the Brew Pub
Friday night I went to a Christmas party at Jim Caruther's house (if that's his real name!) He made this awesome red Christmas brew that had rum and all sorts of goodies in it! I don't think it was quite "magic juice" but almost! And he had these delicious balls of meat (also called meatballs), deviled eggs, artichoke hearts, and cookies! Yum, yum, yum!
I took Craig's roomie, Crescent, with me. We left as Crescent had to meet up with her friend Monica to go X-mas shopping the next morning. That didn't stop us, however, from hitting a brew pub in Ellicot City, the name of which I can't recall. But boy did they have excellent brew! We drank until 1 or 2am and chatted with a bald gay man who was sitting next to us at the bar. All I remember was that the guy had a necklace of frankincense and myrrh. And Crescent mentioned that all over her friends want her to buy them plasma TVs for Christmas. We thought that she should raid a blood bank for it's plasma, get a few old TVs from a pawn shop, and then smear the plasma on the TVs, and then give them as gifts for Christmas! It was a fabulous time! Cres is so much fun!! She's so funny, witty, and smart!!! No wonder Craig has her as a roomie!
A nice Jewish boy
Saturday I had another match.com date. The guy was really nice and we had a great time laughing and joking, but I wasn't really attracted to him "in that way", which is very unfortunate. He was Jewish...acutally the first Jewish person that I've met. And I was the first girl from West Virginia that grew up in a single-wide trailer, with a trash pile in the yard and Mustang on cinderblocks in the driveway that he had met. We discussed South Park. =) We decided that I'm like Kenny and he's like Kyle. He let me call him a goddamned dirty Jew! (I've never actually said that before and had it have meaning until last night!!!) Overall I had a very nice time and he was so much fun to hang out with! I hope that he's up for just being friends. We'll see.
Trimming my tree, Don Pablo's, & the Fish Tacos
Today I slept in till and ungodly hour and then decorated our apartment Christmas style. We have lights in the windows, lights on the tall lamp, a 6' Christmas tree, my small tree in the kitchen, real pine garland in the windows, on the tables, and on the bookcase accented with red bows, lights in my fake tree, lights on the doorways, and candles everywhere! It's lovely!
Tonight Rosie and I went to dinner at a mexican restaurant called Don Pablo's. They had fish tacos on the menu!!! Mesquite flavored Mahi Mahi tacos! I laughed my ass of when I read it! Fish tacos!!!! =) And I had to call Chris, Shawn, and Sean to let them know. =)
Anyway, I ate there on my first visit up and met this darling waiter named Jim. Well, he still works there and served us again tonight. The awesome thing is that he remembered us! He came up and tapped me on my shoulder...actually he kept touching me. I think the final count was 5 or 6 times. He asked Rose where we lived and sat down and chatted for about 15 minutes. When we were leaving he asked if we were going to come back and see him and asked to be seated in his section. We assured him that we would and he proceeded to provide us with his schedule for the next week. Hmmm...this could be promising! So it looks like I'll be eating Mexican on Friday.
Friday night I went to a Christmas party at Jim Caruther's house (if that's his real name!) He made this awesome red Christmas brew that had rum and all sorts of goodies in it! I don't think it was quite "magic juice" but almost! And he had these delicious balls of meat (also called meatballs), deviled eggs, artichoke hearts, and cookies! Yum, yum, yum!
I took Craig's roomie, Crescent, with me. We left as Crescent had to meet up with her friend Monica to go X-mas shopping the next morning. That didn't stop us, however, from hitting a brew pub in Ellicot City, the name of which I can't recall. But boy did they have excellent brew! We drank until 1 or 2am and chatted with a bald gay man who was sitting next to us at the bar. All I remember was that the guy had a necklace of frankincense and myrrh. And Crescent mentioned that all over her friends want her to buy them plasma TVs for Christmas. We thought that she should raid a blood bank for it's plasma, get a few old TVs from a pawn shop, and then smear the plasma on the TVs, and then give them as gifts for Christmas! It was a fabulous time! Cres is so much fun!! She's so funny, witty, and smart!!! No wonder Craig has her as a roomie!
A nice Jewish boy
Saturday I had another match.com date. The guy was really nice and we had a great time laughing and joking, but I wasn't really attracted to him "in that way", which is very unfortunate. He was Jewish...acutally the first Jewish person that I've met. And I was the first girl from West Virginia that grew up in a single-wide trailer, with a trash pile in the yard and Mustang on cinderblocks in the driveway that he had met. We discussed South Park. =) We decided that I'm like Kenny and he's like Kyle. He let me call him a goddamned dirty Jew! (I've never actually said that before and had it have meaning until last night!!!) Overall I had a very nice time and he was so much fun to hang out with! I hope that he's up for just being friends. We'll see.
Trimming my tree, Don Pablo's, & the Fish Tacos
Today I slept in till and ungodly hour and then decorated our apartment Christmas style. We have lights in the windows, lights on the tall lamp, a 6' Christmas tree, my small tree in the kitchen, real pine garland in the windows, on the tables, and on the bookcase accented with red bows, lights in my fake tree, lights on the doorways, and candles everywhere! It's lovely!
Tonight Rosie and I went to dinner at a mexican restaurant called Don Pablo's. They had fish tacos on the menu!!! Mesquite flavored Mahi Mahi tacos! I laughed my ass of when I read it! Fish tacos!!!! =) And I had to call Chris, Shawn, and Sean to let them know. =)
Anyway, I ate there on my first visit up and met this darling waiter named Jim. Well, he still works there and served us again tonight. The awesome thing is that he remembered us! He came up and tapped me on my shoulder...actually he kept touching me. I think the final count was 5 or 6 times. He asked Rose where we lived and sat down and chatted for about 15 minutes. When we were leaving he asked if we were going to come back and see him and asked to be seated in his section. We assured him that we would and he proceeded to provide us with his schedule for the next week. Hmmm...this could be promising! So it looks like I'll be eating Mexican on Friday.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Whew!
What a bloody fucking crazy night last night! I took a girl to the hospital for a minor injury and during the trip she attempted to AWOL. She somehow wiggled her way out of those damn handcuffs and was working on the shackles around her ankles. She then turned her attention to the door of the vehicle and figured out how to unlock it (which, by the way, was supposed to be totally secure). Then she got out and began walking away from us, barefoot and still shackled, in the parking lot of the hospital. We coaxed her back into the van and locked her in again, she started cursing, screaming, and banging on the windows. I had to hold the door closed the entire way back to the Center! It was insane!
Also, I had a voice mail message from some psycho on my phone last night saying that "he knows I used his social security number to get a cell phone and that I lived in the Washington area and that he was going to come after me and I would pay"! I called Cingular today to try to clear the whole mess up and verify my social security number and other account information. They said nothing was amiss with my account. What the fuck? Crazy shit!
Regarding my romantic life, my date called me very, very late on Friday night. I was pissed and depressed thinking that he had stood me up totally. Well he called and so I drove down to the Eastern Shore of Maryland (where he lives) to meet up with him. We had a nice time, but ultimately our personalities didn't click very well. He reminded me very much of Chris in that he was stubborn and unyielding in many of his views...(no offense Chris, but you know you're stubborn)...and those views conflicted with mine. We simply didn't see eye to eye. And he was terribly impatient and curt with me at moments. As you can imagine, I didn't respond well to that. I figure that if I get pissed off on a date then it's not going anywhere.
Although the date was a flop, I did enjoy the beauty of the Eastern Shore. Everyone is raving about how lovely it is, so I was planning on making a trip there eventually anyway. I was impressed by the parts close by the water, because the water is so beautiful. But really the place looked a lot like Ohio...with water. It was mostly flat farmland with big, weathered farm houses, haggard-looking gas stations, hunting reserves, and the occassional fast food place dotting the landscape.
On my way to and from the Eastern Shore I crossed the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. On the trip in it was dark and I was driving along talking to my mom on my cell phone. I realized that I was crossing a bridge and then it hit me that I'd been on this bridge for longer than usual. I then noticed that I was surrounded by a large expanse of ominous darkness on my right and in the distance I could see lights dotting a shoreline far away. To my left was the other arm of the bridge carrying cars back westward to the mainland of Maryland. Beyond that lighted highway in the air, there was nothing but blackness and tiny dots of lights on the other shore. I've never been one to be afraid of crossing water, but for a moment I was afraid. The following day, on my trip back to Baltimore, I was awed by the magnificence of the structure and by the beauty of the glittering Bay. It was one of those gold dust moments...the kind you wish you could freeze forever. Next time, I'll take my camera. =)
What a bloody fucking crazy night last night! I took a girl to the hospital for a minor injury and during the trip she attempted to AWOL. She somehow wiggled her way out of those damn handcuffs and was working on the shackles around her ankles. She then turned her attention to the door of the vehicle and figured out how to unlock it (which, by the way, was supposed to be totally secure). Then she got out and began walking away from us, barefoot and still shackled, in the parking lot of the hospital. We coaxed her back into the van and locked her in again, she started cursing, screaming, and banging on the windows. I had to hold the door closed the entire way back to the Center! It was insane!
Also, I had a voice mail message from some psycho on my phone last night saying that "he knows I used his social security number to get a cell phone and that I lived in the Washington area and that he was going to come after me and I would pay"! I called Cingular today to try to clear the whole mess up and verify my social security number and other account information. They said nothing was amiss with my account. What the fuck? Crazy shit!
Regarding my romantic life, my date called me very, very late on Friday night. I was pissed and depressed thinking that he had stood me up totally. Well he called and so I drove down to the Eastern Shore of Maryland (where he lives) to meet up with him. We had a nice time, but ultimately our personalities didn't click very well. He reminded me very much of Chris in that he was stubborn and unyielding in many of his views...(no offense Chris, but you know you're stubborn)...and those views conflicted with mine. We simply didn't see eye to eye. And he was terribly impatient and curt with me at moments. As you can imagine, I didn't respond well to that. I figure that if I get pissed off on a date then it's not going anywhere.
Although the date was a flop, I did enjoy the beauty of the Eastern Shore. Everyone is raving about how lovely it is, so I was planning on making a trip there eventually anyway. I was impressed by the parts close by the water, because the water is so beautiful. But really the place looked a lot like Ohio...with water. It was mostly flat farmland with big, weathered farm houses, haggard-looking gas stations, hunting reserves, and the occassional fast food place dotting the landscape.
On my way to and from the Eastern Shore I crossed the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. On the trip in it was dark and I was driving along talking to my mom on my cell phone. I realized that I was crossing a bridge and then it hit me that I'd been on this bridge for longer than usual. I then noticed that I was surrounded by a large expanse of ominous darkness on my right and in the distance I could see lights dotting a shoreline far away. To my left was the other arm of the bridge carrying cars back westward to the mainland of Maryland. Beyond that lighted highway in the air, there was nothing but blackness and tiny dots of lights on the other shore. I've never been one to be afraid of crossing water, but for a moment I was afraid. The following day, on my trip back to Baltimore, I was awed by the magnificence of the structure and by the beauty of the glittering Bay. It was one of those gold dust moments...the kind you wish you could freeze forever. Next time, I'll take my camera. =)
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Turkey for you...Turkey for me
I hope everyone had a lovely Turkey Day! I got to go home this past weekend and spend some quality time with my beloved family and friends. We spent Saturday at my folk's and had a late Thanksgiving Dinner and I then trotted to the Kabuki Rodeo to spend a fun night with Burnsy, Pat, Crystal, and My Nora. Sunday I hung out with Wayne, Cheryl, Rosie, and my little Meggie-poo.
Rose and I bought Meg a rainbow canopy to go over her bed. She calls it her "Care Bear Rainbow". She told me yesterday on the phone that she "loves her rainbow cause it makes her room cozy". God, I miss that little angel-faced munchkin!
Little Bo Peep restrained her sheep...
So my holiday was good, but tiring. I've returned to work and I'm pretty much back in the swing of things there. I'm finding that I like it better than previously, probably because I'm becoming more acclimated to my coworkers and the girls. The population I'm working with is a very difficult group and I guess it was normal for me to feel intimidated at first. But now I'm not so startled when I witness or participate in a restraint. Oh sorry...what I meant to say was "therapeutic hold".
Speaking of which, I got kicked in the boobie last Friday during a hold. That girl was a fucking beast, man! She fought for two hours, even after a shot of Thorazine, and it took 16 people to get her under control! She bit one staff person and injured the knees of one other. We finally called the cops. Crazy, eh?
GEEEETAAARRRRR!!!!!
I have an important announcement to make! I finally, with the help of Mr. Jim...*cough* *cough* "Caruthers" and the long-haired guitar boy at the Bill's House of Music, purchased a guitar last night! Huzzzah!!! My guitar quest is over...for now.
I had my eye on a lovely EG540C NEX Cutaway Acoustic-Electric Guitar by Takamine in this fabulous electric blue color. But it's priced at $450 and I just don't have that kind of money to spend right now. Nor do I really need a flashy, sexy, guitar that I can plug in to an amp at this point. So last night I settled on simple, yet very rich sounding Jasmine by Takamine S35 Acoustic Guitar. With a hard-shell case it only cost $180 and it's quite pretty in it's simple, solid way. But what makes it more beautiful is the sound it produces. It's actually louder and richer than the fancy acoustic-electric I was lusting after!
I had Jim play guitar after guitar to get his opinion and we were stuggling between a few choices, when he asked the guitar boy what he could reccommend. He brought the Jasmine, which vibrated terribly because it needed an adjustment. I was thinking, "Hell no! Is this man out of his fucking mind?" He asked us to wait a moment and took a new one out of it's case. Jim tuned it and played it...and then played another we had been looking at. After many minutes of going back and forth, I sat down with the guitar. After a few minutes of me strumming the few chords that I know on each guitar, I decided on the Jasmine. And so that's the story of how I got my first guitar. Now I just need to set up lessons!
Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match...
As some of you know, I've been a member of match.com for a little while. I've met some very nice people, but no one I "clicked" with.. Well, last Wednesday evening I met up with a very attractive, intelligent, witty, and charming guy down at the Inner Harbour. His name is Sean. He's 6'6", 240lbs., and is a Petty Officer First Class in the Coast Guard. I had a really nice time with him and I plan on seeing him again Friday. It was really nice being able to look up at someone for a chance. So, we'll see.
One of these days I'll get it right. I believe that each person deserves to be with someone who is totally and completely all about them. Someone who will support them, be their best friend, and who will be their equal and partner through life. That's what I have to offer someone and one of these days someone will understand what I'm offering, will treasure it, and will take me up on that offer for the rest of my life.
And now I need to go "warsh my stanky ass", as one of my girls would say, so that I'm not late for work. Ah, I wonder what type of mood my little angels will be in tonight?
I hope everyone had a lovely Turkey Day! I got to go home this past weekend and spend some quality time with my beloved family and friends. We spent Saturday at my folk's and had a late Thanksgiving Dinner and I then trotted to the Kabuki Rodeo to spend a fun night with Burnsy, Pat, Crystal, and My Nora. Sunday I hung out with Wayne, Cheryl, Rosie, and my little Meggie-poo.
Rose and I bought Meg a rainbow canopy to go over her bed. She calls it her "Care Bear Rainbow". She told me yesterday on the phone that she "loves her rainbow cause it makes her room cozy". God, I miss that little angel-faced munchkin!
Little Bo Peep restrained her sheep...
So my holiday was good, but tiring. I've returned to work and I'm pretty much back in the swing of things there. I'm finding that I like it better than previously, probably because I'm becoming more acclimated to my coworkers and the girls. The population I'm working with is a very difficult group and I guess it was normal for me to feel intimidated at first. But now I'm not so startled when I witness or participate in a restraint. Oh sorry...what I meant to say was "therapeutic hold".
Speaking of which, I got kicked in the boobie last Friday during a hold. That girl was a fucking beast, man! She fought for two hours, even after a shot of Thorazine, and it took 16 people to get her under control! She bit one staff person and injured the knees of one other. We finally called the cops. Crazy, eh?
GEEEETAAARRRRR!!!!!
I have an important announcement to make! I finally, with the help of Mr. Jim...*cough* *cough* "Caruthers" and the long-haired guitar boy at the Bill's House of Music, purchased a guitar last night! Huzzzah!!! My guitar quest is over...for now.
I had my eye on a lovely EG540C NEX Cutaway Acoustic-Electric Guitar by Takamine in this fabulous electric blue color. But it's priced at $450 and I just don't have that kind of money to spend right now. Nor do I really need a flashy, sexy, guitar that I can plug in to an amp at this point. So last night I settled on simple, yet very rich sounding Jasmine by Takamine S35 Acoustic Guitar. With a hard-shell case it only cost $180 and it's quite pretty in it's simple, solid way. But what makes it more beautiful is the sound it produces. It's actually louder and richer than the fancy acoustic-electric I was lusting after!
I had Jim play guitar after guitar to get his opinion and we were stuggling between a few choices, when he asked the guitar boy what he could reccommend. He brought the Jasmine, which vibrated terribly because it needed an adjustment. I was thinking, "Hell no! Is this man out of his fucking mind?" He asked us to wait a moment and took a new one out of it's case. Jim tuned it and played it...and then played another we had been looking at. After many minutes of going back and forth, I sat down with the guitar. After a few minutes of me strumming the few chords that I know on each guitar, I decided on the Jasmine. And so that's the story of how I got my first guitar. Now I just need to set up lessons!
Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match...
As some of you know, I've been a member of match.com for a little while. I've met some very nice people, but no one I "clicked" with.. Well, last Wednesday evening I met up with a very attractive, intelligent, witty, and charming guy down at the Inner Harbour. His name is Sean. He's 6'6", 240lbs., and is a Petty Officer First Class in the Coast Guard. I had a really nice time with him and I plan on seeing him again Friday. It was really nice being able to look up at someone for a chance. So, we'll see.
One of these days I'll get it right. I believe that each person deserves to be with someone who is totally and completely all about them. Someone who will support them, be their best friend, and who will be their equal and partner through life. That's what I have to offer someone and one of these days someone will understand what I'm offering, will treasure it, and will take me up on that offer for the rest of my life.
And now I need to go "warsh my stanky ass", as one of my girls would say, so that I'm not late for work. Ah, I wonder what type of mood my little angels will be in tonight?
Monday, November 22, 2004
My new life
It's all winding down. The whole shock of the move. I'm physically settled and that feeling that everything is temporary is fading. For a bit, it all just felt like an extended visit, but now it feels more real. And now I just have to work on becoming mentally settled here. But isn't that always the case for all of us? Always busily working, are we, to settle our minds and attain some level of peace.
What I need now is to explore my new environment and its people. To touch, to taste, and to be. To breathe in the night air in the city. To admire the glow of the lights, the sparkling presence of those imposing steel and concrete constructions downtown. To admire the glow or pallor of the faces that walk through and by their walls every day. And to learn from it all what I can. In the end, I need to define my new life here and find where my puzzle piece fits.
It's exciting, but also lonely. And everything that I've always dreamed of. Although I hoped to be in a better state physically and emotionally while doing it...but you take what life gives you, ne c'est pas?
So far I've had a good time. Craig has been very kind to keep me company and show me around Ellicot City & DC. With Jim I've played poker, gone guitar shopping in Catonsville, and stepped out onto the local club/music scene at Federal Hill. And Rose has been there every step of the way to support, encourage, and to remind me that home is family...and family is there long after everything else fades away. So far I've had a good time.
But I need more people. More laughter. I find myself hungry for friends of my own. And I miss my own quirky little circle of friends, scattered as it's members are, but beloved beyond all reason. Shawn, Chris, Ken, Sean...my boys. I miss you. And I love you. The love that I bear for you is truer than anything I have called "love" in the past...because it's the love one feels for brothers. More steady than any quick and heated passion.
But I can't be with you because you're there and there and there. And I am here. And I am faced with carving out my new life here. Creating for myself a world with my deeds and words. So I make a promise to myself now at the dawning of my newness. I have been living to please others for a long time and I can't do it anymore. I began refusing other's claims on me over two years ago, trying to regain control of my life, but now I lay it all down. All of it.
I find that I try to be perfect, clever, beautiful. So, so smart & so, so funny. Sweetness, light, and everything linen-fresh clean. For all of them and for all of you. “A fine accessory for the discerning gentleman”. I try to smile even when no one is looking.
But all I am is this skin, this sinew, and this bone. A woman, tired and imperfect, but alive with red, red, red blood coursing through her veins. And a fierce passionate heart. I don't want to try to be perfect anymore. Because I'll never be able to do it.
I don’t want to be smooth; I’d rather be jagged and sharp. I don’t want to be timid and pause before every move. I will follow my instincts and I will not apologize. I will do things simply for pleasure and I will not regret. I will laugh, I will cry, I will scream, I will be angry, and I will love. And I will not apologize for the state of my heart.
I won’t pretend that I know when I don’t. I won’t smile when I don’t feel it. I will not stay where I am not wanted. I will not hide behind my eyes. I will be impatient and I will push. I will ask when I have questions. I will not compromise what I want.
And so it goes.
Take it as it comes and take me as I am
I never was a good imposter
But I know how to dream
And don’t know where I stand
I’m willing to admit I try too hard
Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
And every time it rains
I know I'm tyring to survive
Charlotte Martin from Every Time It Rains
It's all winding down. The whole shock of the move. I'm physically settled and that feeling that everything is temporary is fading. For a bit, it all just felt like an extended visit, but now it feels more real. And now I just have to work on becoming mentally settled here. But isn't that always the case for all of us? Always busily working, are we, to settle our minds and attain some level of peace.
What I need now is to explore my new environment and its people. To touch, to taste, and to be. To breathe in the night air in the city. To admire the glow of the lights, the sparkling presence of those imposing steel and concrete constructions downtown. To admire the glow or pallor of the faces that walk through and by their walls every day. And to learn from it all what I can. In the end, I need to define my new life here and find where my puzzle piece fits.
It's exciting, but also lonely. And everything that I've always dreamed of. Although I hoped to be in a better state physically and emotionally while doing it...but you take what life gives you, ne c'est pas?
So far I've had a good time. Craig has been very kind to keep me company and show me around Ellicot City & DC. With Jim I've played poker, gone guitar shopping in Catonsville, and stepped out onto the local club/music scene at Federal Hill. And Rose has been there every step of the way to support, encourage, and to remind me that home is family...and family is there long after everything else fades away. So far I've had a good time.
But I need more people. More laughter. I find myself hungry for friends of my own. And I miss my own quirky little circle of friends, scattered as it's members are, but beloved beyond all reason. Shawn, Chris, Ken, Sean...my boys. I miss you. And I love you. The love that I bear for you is truer than anything I have called "love" in the past...because it's the love one feels for brothers. More steady than any quick and heated passion.
But I can't be with you because you're there and there and there. And I am here. And I am faced with carving out my new life here. Creating for myself a world with my deeds and words. So I make a promise to myself now at the dawning of my newness. I have been living to please others for a long time and I can't do it anymore. I began refusing other's claims on me over two years ago, trying to regain control of my life, but now I lay it all down. All of it.
I find that I try to be perfect, clever, beautiful. So, so smart & so, so funny. Sweetness, light, and everything linen-fresh clean. For all of them and for all of you. “A fine accessory for the discerning gentleman”. I try to smile even when no one is looking.
But all I am is this skin, this sinew, and this bone. A woman, tired and imperfect, but alive with red, red, red blood coursing through her veins. And a fierce passionate heart. I don't want to try to be perfect anymore. Because I'll never be able to do it.
I don’t want to be smooth; I’d rather be jagged and sharp. I don’t want to be timid and pause before every move. I will follow my instincts and I will not apologize. I will do things simply for pleasure and I will not regret. I will laugh, I will cry, I will scream, I will be angry, and I will love. And I will not apologize for the state of my heart.
I won’t pretend that I know when I don’t. I won’t smile when I don’t feel it. I will not stay where I am not wanted. I will not hide behind my eyes. I will be impatient and I will push. I will ask when I have questions. I will not compromise what I want.
And so it goes.
Take it as it comes and take me as I am
I never was a good imposter
But I know how to dream
And don’t know where I stand
I’m willing to admit I try too hard
Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
And every time it rains
I know I'm tyring to survive
Charlotte Martin from Every Time It Rains
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
I've discovered that I do a lot of thinking on my 40 to 45 minute drive to and from work every day. And when I have time just to think, I'm often inspired to record my thoughts. So I've started taking a little mini recorder with me in the car, so that I can capture anything thought that feels like it needs capturing.
So far I haven't come up with any earth-shattering epiphanies. Just random stream of consciousness thoughts and muddled song lyrics. But what the hell, right?
November 15, 2004 - 6:45 AM
Morning, frost covered and chill. Tiny balls of light glow from the apartments and houses as I drive by. The trees stand naked and shivering. And I see the hint of dawn coloring the sky a light orange-pink. My eyes are sleepy and my head is a little clouded from the weekend. My chest feels leaden and I wonder if I will be happy here in this city. In my city.
I’m a little nauseous. I’m supposed to be at work in 10 minutes. But my tire was low and I almost ran out of gas, so I had to stop. Now it’s a right toward Baltimore onto I 95, southward bound. I slide down the road and into the sea of cars. I have to be at work in 10 minutes. There is no possible way in this traffic.
I slide into the heavy morning. Part of me cares. Part of me doesn’t. This job is not quite what I was looking for. But I wonder will any of it be? It’s not what I’m hungry after, but we've got to pay the bills.
I feel so...stagnant. I want to learn, do research, grow...to do something more than this. God, I feel like I’m floating, disconnected from everything. So uninteresting and so boring. And I hate the way I feel. I’m like a sponge, absorbing the interesting in everyone else around me just so that I can have some sort of glimmer of life. Sort of vampiric, isn’t it? And I suck, suck, suck, suck suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.
Love always,
Your Soul Vampire
So far I haven't come up with any earth-shattering epiphanies. Just random stream of consciousness thoughts and muddled song lyrics. But what the hell, right?
November 15, 2004 - 6:45 AM
Morning, frost covered and chill. Tiny balls of light glow from the apartments and houses as I drive by. The trees stand naked and shivering. And I see the hint of dawn coloring the sky a light orange-pink. My eyes are sleepy and my head is a little clouded from the weekend. My chest feels leaden and I wonder if I will be happy here in this city. In my city.
I’m a little nauseous. I’m supposed to be at work in 10 minutes. But my tire was low and I almost ran out of gas, so I had to stop. Now it’s a right toward Baltimore onto I 95, southward bound. I slide down the road and into the sea of cars. I have to be at work in 10 minutes. There is no possible way in this traffic.
I slide into the heavy morning. Part of me cares. Part of me doesn’t. This job is not quite what I was looking for. But I wonder will any of it be? It’s not what I’m hungry after, but we've got to pay the bills.
I feel so...stagnant. I want to learn, do research, grow...to do something more than this. God, I feel like I’m floating, disconnected from everything. So uninteresting and so boring. And I hate the way I feel. I’m like a sponge, absorbing the interesting in everyone else around me just so that I can have some sort of glimmer of life. Sort of vampiric, isn’t it? And I suck, suck, suck, suck suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.
Love always,
Your Soul Vampire
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