"The soulquake happened here in her glass world..."
So Dave left in May 2010 and my sanity followed him out the door. I've described it a time or two since then as a soulquake. Nothing was broken but me. My reasons for living and my goals in life were swept away in one fell swoop and all that was left was silence.
It's been one year and four months. I don't wake up and feel a crushing emptiness in my chest like I once did. Instead I just wake up feeling indifferent. I have nothing in my life which excites me. Work is boring and at times terrible and humiliating. School has been grueling in the past. It's somewhat more interesting this semester, but overall it's just something I have to do to get my degree. A means to an end.
I started going to a couple of church groups this year. Members of the one finally came out and called me a whore due to my liberal sexual views and behaviors. So much for their open minded "everyone is welcome" stance. The other group doesn't quite know how to take me. And I'm sure they never will. I'm approaching this stuff from a completely different perspective. Logic vs. faith.
I wish with all of my heart that I could just blindly believe in something the way that they do. That I could pray and feel that it's going to be okay. And there are moments when I can suspend belief long enough to do so. But then logic keeps rushing back and here and I am. Just me all twisted up inside my own head.
So I go to work and school. I attend church. I play team trivia on Tuesday nights. I hang out with friends. I spend time with my family. I go to bars. I listen to live music. I have sex with a 22 year old Christian boy who has a Moldovian girlfriend in Moldova just pining away after him. And I convince myself that I love him. And at the end of the day it's all just a means to an end. Just a way to not be lonely and alone.
What a harsh and ugly reality this is when you look at it in black and white. And as I write this, one would think I would experience some sort of emotion about it all. But no. I am numb.
And all I want is to be able to feel something again. To fall in love again. And to be loved in return.
Skin My Thousand Asses
I want somebody who sees the pointlessness and still keeps their purpose in mind;
I want somebody who has a tortured soul...some of the time;
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery;
Or maybe just put it all to words and make me say, "You know, I never heard it put that way".
Make me say, "What did you just say?"
~Ani Difranco "Asking Too Much"
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
The Return
It's been over six years since I last wrote an "anonymous" blog. I miss the catharsis of this, and so I've returned. Six years is a long time and much has happened.
Colin and I parted ways after I caught him cheating with an adorable Romanian server. It made me furious! And then I "dated" my friend Captain Jim Hayes of the US Airforce for a few months. Then I met my former future husband, David Goldsmith.
Dave was a drug addict in recovery, who struck me with his honesty about his dark past. Well...he was honest about everything except for one very important thing. When we met he told me that he had been clean and sober for a year, but it had truly only been three months. I understand why he lied. What else do you say to get the addictions counselor to go out with you? He knew I would've never dated him unless he had clean time over a year. And so he lied and I fell. How could I not? He was intelligent, quirky, sexy, and exciting! And a musician. Everything I had ever wanted. And he loved me fiercely, for a time.
That time came to and end and in the end he loved drugs and booze more than me. So in May of 2010, after proposing marriage to me on December 30, 2009, he abandoned me. He had not only left me alone without my best friend and companion and lover, but he left me alone in a place that I had never wanted to be. He hated Baltimore so much and constantly expressed a desire to leave. Eventually he convinced me to move to Charleston, WV, and even though it was not what I truly wanted, I did it for him. And he left me here in this fucking soulless stye of empty-headed and shallow people.
Ever since then I have been struggling to regain and to maintain sanity. Ever since then my life has been a swirl of depression and self-destruction. Little by little, I have been trying to dig myself out of the abyss. And I have succeeded to a certain point. But I am still stuck here. Chained to my obligation to myself to complete graduate school. Working a job that I hate. Living in a town that I hate.
I suppose the blog that I write from hereon out will be the story of me attemtping to return to sanity and good mental health. The story of me returning to myself. Recovering from a broken heart. At least, I hope that is the story I shall write. Only time will tell.
It's been over six years since I last wrote an "anonymous" blog. I miss the catharsis of this, and so I've returned. Six years is a long time and much has happened.
Colin and I parted ways after I caught him cheating with an adorable Romanian server. It made me furious! And then I "dated" my friend Captain Jim Hayes of the US Airforce for a few months. Then I met my former future husband, David Goldsmith.
Dave was a drug addict in recovery, who struck me with his honesty about his dark past. Well...he was honest about everything except for one very important thing. When we met he told me that he had been clean and sober for a year, but it had truly only been three months. I understand why he lied. What else do you say to get the addictions counselor to go out with you? He knew I would've never dated him unless he had clean time over a year. And so he lied and I fell. How could I not? He was intelligent, quirky, sexy, and exciting! And a musician. Everything I had ever wanted. And he loved me fiercely, for a time.
That time came to and end and in the end he loved drugs and booze more than me. So in May of 2010, after proposing marriage to me on December 30, 2009, he abandoned me. He had not only left me alone without my best friend and companion and lover, but he left me alone in a place that I had never wanted to be. He hated Baltimore so much and constantly expressed a desire to leave. Eventually he convinced me to move to Charleston, WV, and even though it was not what I truly wanted, I did it for him. And he left me here in this fucking soulless stye of empty-headed and shallow people.
Ever since then I have been struggling to regain and to maintain sanity. Ever since then my life has been a swirl of depression and self-destruction. Little by little, I have been trying to dig myself out of the abyss. And I have succeeded to a certain point. But I am still stuck here. Chained to my obligation to myself to complete graduate school. Working a job that I hate. Living in a town that I hate.
I suppose the blog that I write from hereon out will be the story of me attemtping to return to sanity and good mental health. The story of me returning to myself. Recovering from a broken heart. At least, I hope that is the story I shall write. Only time will tell.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Death of a Ghettomobile, Steak on a Stake, and a Rebel Yell
Current mood: bouncy
Le auto...c'est mort!!!
Okay so although my ghettofabulous ride hasn't exactly kicked, it is no longer a vital part of my life. Because about two weeks ago, I bought a new car! Well...at least I signed up to make payments for the next five years.
I'm now the proud owner of a silvery-champagen colored 2000 Honda Accord, complete with a decent cd / stereo system, sunroof, and keyless entry!!!! And not only can I get into my car via my keyless entry doohickie, but I can also open my trunk with just a press of a button! That's science, friends! I can now die a happy woman.
So I'm gonna sell my Corsica if anyone is interested. She needs a new oil pump and possibly new bearings. I put a new alternator and battery in it back in April and my dad just replaced the head gasket, the oil filter, all the fluids, and all the spark plugs about a month ago. I imagine that, once her current issues are fixed, she'll last another two years or so. I'm asking $1000 or best offer.
Can I get a "Huzzah"?
Last weekend, Colin and I went to the Renaissance Festival here in Crownsville, MD for a few hours. I dined on steak on a stake and imbibed some of the King's finest ale! (And I was a wee bit tipsy from just two beverages...uh-oh! )
The village wasn't as large as the one in OH, but I liked the set-up a wee bit more. It was totally shaded and was situated on a series of small hills and valleys and the village path was all twisty. It felt like a real little medieval town. There was a greater variety of beer, but the jousting area was much smaller. They had a Globe Theater at which plays are performed throughout the day, but that took the place of the Mudde Show. I for one don't think a Ren Fest is quite a Ren Fest without a Mudde Show! (But I am a very filthy girl at heart. ) It was quite nice, but is wasn't MY Ren Fest.
As is tradition, I stopped at the bustier and doublet shoppe and donned a purple, suede bustier. My cleavage was nearly up to my chin and Colin grinned from ear to ear. He tried on a tan, lambskin doublet...and my god!...I've never seen the boy look more handsome in all my life! He was hot, hot, hot, hot, hhhhot!!! All he needed to be a total medeival hottie was a white tunic, breeches, knee-high boots, bracers, and a sword. I'd be his wench any day!
I so hope he gets to come to the Fest in OH with me and my friends! With the costuming this year, it's bounds to be loads of fun and laughs! I can't wait to see Shawn and Chris's costumes!
She cried, "More, more, more!!!!"
Oh yes, my friends. Even though I already saw him at HFStival this summer, once was not enough. It merely whet my appetite and made Colin jealous. So that's why I'm taking Colin to see Billy Idol tonight at Ram's Head Live tonight!!!!
Ladies and gentlemen light-in-the-loafers, I realize that Billy Idol may not be your fantasy. He was never mine. But go see him live. You might change your mind. That man, even though he's in his 50's, his muscles are bloody cut from granite! And he can still rock the fuck out!
"Hey little sister, what have you done? Hey little sister, who's the only one? Hey little sister, who's your superman? Hey little sister, who's the one you want? Hey little sister, shot gun! It's a nice day for a white wedding! It's a nice day to START AGAIN!!!! Waaa owww owww!!" ~ Billy Idol - White Wedding
Thursday, September 08, 2005
27 and feeling euphoric...or is it eutoric?
Current mood: excited
Eutoria!!!
I promised Heather I would write about the Tori show and here it is.I saw Tori Amos (again) on August 24th with Crescent down at the Inner Harbor. It was such a beautiful show! This was my third time seeing her live and it never gets old. (Thank you, Crescent!)
It was a lovely evening, comfortably warm with a slight breeze blowing in off the water. The sun had just set and in the blue glow of twilight, the lights of the buildings in the Inner Harbor flickered on. There was a carnivalish feel. Maybe it was the smell of all of the restaurants or the smell of the too done hot dogs or nachos. One thing that struck me in particular as Cres and I found our seats was the relaxed mood of the crowd. They were all so...peaceful. Content. Like they were gathered together to worship.
Before the show started Cres and I were just sipping our beers and talking. We were situated only 10 or so rows back and just to the right of the center of the stage. We couldn'tve been luckier or had a better view. Our seats were on the end of a row and we noticed this tall skinny guy with a lazy eye dressed all in back, walking back and forth, back and forth, as if he were having difficulty locating his seat. He stopped and just started talking to me, telling me how excited he was about the show. I agreed that it was going to be a good show and turned back to continue my conversation with Crescent. He moved closer to me and kept talking. Not wanting to be rude, I returned conversation for a moment and then turned back to Cres. She and I talked for a good minute and a half and this guy continued to stand there, looking down at me, and listening to our conversation. He then blurts out, "So can I get your number so that we can stay in touch?" I reply, "I have a boyfriend and I don't think he'd like it if I gave out my phone number to random young men." At this point I figured the conversation would end. But no. He says, "Well, just in case you break up." I said, "Yeah, that's not real likely to happen. I'm gonna marry him." After a moment...he walked away.
The lights dimmed, a hush fell over the crowd, and the goddess came out all dressed in white her hair all ablaze in the stage lighting. She wore a white tank top paired with a tee-length white peasant skirt and a stunning crystal necklacke that covered the entire open neck of her tank top. She also had a white crystal sparkly belt if I remember correctly. Her hair was bright red and gleaming. She had allowed the natural soft curl to take over and had pulled it back at the sides. Her ears poked through her hair at moments and when the lights hit her just right and she tilted her head just so, she looked very much like a beautiful wood nymph or faerie! I looked at her a moment, admiring her. And then I realized that her tummy was protruding a bit...but she was skinny everywhere else. And so it would seem that Tori has a bun in the oven!
This concert she chose to revert to "the girl and her piano" thing, so there was no band. But it wasn't really just a piano. She did indeed have her big, hulking black Bosendorfer but there was also a two tier organ, and three electric piano keyboards. She spent most of her time at the Bosendorfer per her usual, however the organ was behind her and she occasionally straddled the piano bench and played both, which was phenomenal to witness.
Now because her family was there (she grew up in the Balitmore/DC area) it was a tasteful, non-suggestive straddling of the piano bench. No gyrations or grinding. No humping the piano. And no off color comments, cursing, or talk of cocks. But that's just fine. I didn't much mind. I'm not 22 anymore...the shock value has somewhat worn off. And she's freaking 37 or so. It just doesn't have the same impact that it used to. Plus with her being pregnant I feel it would've been in bad taste. So no humping.
I can't recall precisely in what order she played everything but I do know that she performed the following: Original Sinsuality, Crucify, Winter, Leather, Marianne, Playboy Mommy, A Sort of Fairytale, Sweet the Sting, Jamaica Inn, Cars and Guitars, The Beekeeper, an Elton John song, and a Queen song.
And there may have been one or two more. Don't know. What I do know is that it was pure Tori. Her voice was haunting and ethereal...sometimes clear and soaring like an angel's and sometimes growling, frantic, and tortured like one of the damned. And her musicianship never fails to blow me away. She makes any instrument with keys not only talk, but laugh, squeal with glee, scream, cry, beg, moan, plead, and dance the tango.
I just kicked back and listened and let my senses feast on the beauty that was surrounding me. I just sat back and worshiped the goddess aflame on her thone. I got that little achey feeling in my chest. You know the one. The thing you get when the moment is too perfect. They way Colin makes me feel sometimes. It was lovely. Just lovely.
The show was particularly special because Tori's parents where there. Cres and I were seated about four rows behind and just to the right of them.I recognized them from pictures that I had seen in the past. And also because two people their age at a show like that sort of stick out like a sore thumb! I was delighted to find them your very typical Maryland couple. He father was about 5'8", his hair completely white and cut short, he wore khaki slacks, a pale blue shirt, large thick, black framed glasses, a dark blue World War II Veteren's cap, and his priest's collar (he's a minister). He walked with a cane. Tori's mother was about 5'3", thin, with pixie-cut white hair, thin glasses, wearing tan dress slacks, a typical old lady flowery shirt, a pearl necklace and earrings set, with a tan handbag slung over one arm. As I said, the perfect typical Maryland old couple. They were quite obviously very proud of their daughter, periodically gazing at each other during her performance and beaming, giving the other a kiss on the cheek, or a squeeze. It was very sweet to witness.
One last thing. During the show as I was lost in bliss, Cres turned her head and looked back to our left just to check out the crowd. And she burst out laughing. I followed her gaze and saw this guy with a total euphoric look on his face, his mouth frozen in this creepy grin, his eyes wide and fixed upon the image of Tori on stage. I rolled! You just had to be there. That look! Oh my god! That look was perfect! It's where I coined the word "eutoria". He was totally eutoric!
27
Happy Birthday to me! I'm twenty-seven today. I used to write that not much changed with every passing birthday. That I didn't feel that much different. And this year that's true to some degree. I'm still me. Older, more experienced, wiser. But for the first time in a long time, I feel quite hopeful. This birthday feels more like 20 than 27. I have that little warm fuzzy. And I'm glad. And excited!
Colin bought me a lovely russian crystal white gold and platinum earring and necklace set. It's so beautiful and I feel guilty! He makes me feel very loved and very special. Thank you, baby! I love you!
Friday, August 26, 2005
Fabulous din din with my sexy blue-eyed chef!!!!
Current mood: happy
Colin, my sexy and amazing boyfriend whom I love with all of my body including my pinky toe, made me the best dinner today!
He made English Ale and Cheddar soup with leeks, carrots, and celery. Also, a zinfandel braised short ribs with vadaillia onions, braised carrots, andouille sausage and aged cheddar grits, and corn on the cob with lemon-pepper. And we had bourbon and honey-glazed camembert (cheese) with baguette croutons. (I couldn't have told you all that...he just told me as I was typing. I just know that it was deeeeeelicious!!!!)
And he bought me a shirt from PacSun yesterday all by himself! And I like it! And it looks good on me! Woooo haaaaaa! I'm extremely happy right now. And very much in love. And very much in love. And very much in love. Did I say that? Oh and I'm very much in love.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Weekend of Horror, The Boyfriend, and I feel sick!
Current mood: sick
Shawn and Sean were up to Bodymore this past weekend. They both arrived Thursday night fairly late. We went to a near-midnight Korean dinner at Nam Kang. I took the day off from Heroin Addict Land on Friday so that I could spend the day showing them around the dirty, wonderful hodge-podge of a city that Baltimore is.
We attempted to visit Edgar Allan Poe's house, but found it closed due to air conditioning malfunction. Seeing that we were pretty damn hungry we decided to grab some lunch, so I took them to the Paper Moon in all of it's quirky glory. The Paper Moon is a local diner that has old kewpie dolls, Barbies, GI Joes, WWF Westler dolls, toy airplanes and vehicles of all kinds, baby dolls, bald and naken manican torsos, army men, etc. all over the ceiling and walls. It's really, really funky. And the foods pretty good too!
After our very filling meal, we went to the Baltimore Museum of Art. I wasn't terribly impressed with the exhibits, having been to the Art Institute in Chicago and several of the museums in DC. The cool thing was that the scultpure "The Thinker" was there. Shawn and I had our picture taken with it. Thinking. We all nearly had "head-explodey" in the Contemporary Art section. Um...a piece of black canvas is not a work of art.
After that we were driving downtown and saw people walking toward the Baltimore Convention Center dressed up as Sailor Moon, Inuyasha, and Link from the Legend of Zelda. It was then that we realized that there was an Anime Convention in town. So we parked and walked down to check the price of admission. $50.00 a day was a wee bit too steep, so we just sat on the wall and checked out the geeks in costume. There were two asian-american guys walking down the sidewalk yelling, "Anime! Anime!" Oh yeah. I took some pictures of some hot chicks in costume. For the boys, of course. For the last time Shawn, I AM NOT a lesbian.
We grabbed some coffee and then grabbed a Crescent and went to Kumari, an Indian restaurant, for dinner. Our intention was to go out and party down when we had finished eating, but I developed a headache, Crescent was tired, and Sean's gout started acting up. So we just went home. God, we're getting fucking old! LOL!
Well, plus, I wanted to make sure I was home when Colin got there. And he did at about 2:30 AM Saturday morning. The boys had gone to sleep by the time he got there, which is all well and good by me. I just wanted to see him with no distraction. And we hugged and kissed and made sweet, sweet love. *sigh*
The next morning the boys woke me up at an ungodly hour so that we could get a good place in line to get into the Horror Convention. Yup. Horror Convention. There were lots of boys there. Lots of them dressed in black. But suprisingly, only two vampires. Although there were a few Freddy Krugers, a naughty little red riding hood, and couple of gothies. The rest were just normal geeks like us who watched too many horror movies as children. We waited in line for an hour to get in and then got in Bruce Campbell's line. For those of you who may not know who he is, he starred in the Evil Dead movies and, more recently, in Bubba Ho-tep. We waited in line from 10:00 am to 1:30pm just to get this dude's signature. I got a photo signed for Colin and a book for myself. We then wandered around and looked at the useless but really cool "evil" shit they had for sell. My favorite were the "dead babies" baby dolls. They were fucking morbid and scary little corpse baby dolls. And there was a cuddly white teady bear... with a gaping bloody maul. Yup. We went through a really stupid haunted house and then watched about 30 minutes of a horrible 70's horror movie called "Race with the Devil" that had an orgy scene with a Satanic virgin sacrifice. Yup. Oh yeah, and we got to meet the guy who played the cop in Frighteners. You know. "My body is a road map of pain!"
Then we went back to the apartment and met up with Colin. We chilled for a bit and headed out for pizza and beer at The Thirsty Dog. I got a wee bit toasty. We came back and watched some of Eddie Izzard's "Glorius" and passed out.
Sunday Shawn left. Sean, Colin, Rose, and I had lunch at Don Pablo's and then returned to the apartment for a day of relaxing in front of the TV. Colin crashed out and I took Sean to BWI. I returned and woke my sexy boyfriend to go get Domino's and the second disc of Band of Brothers. We sent a sleeping and drooling Rose to bed and watched the first part and then konked out ourselves. Well we didn't immediately go to sleep....but...yeah. hehe
It was a really beautiful weekend. There was a ton of hilarity with old friends, new friends, and boyfriend. And my friends got to meet my boyfriend...and stamp them with their seal of approval. (That's what it meant when Shawn was humping your leg, honey.)
Monday I worked (ick!) but got a ton accomplished (hurray!) and then Colin and I went looking for cars for me (ick!) I found that I can't afford a whole fuckin' lot. Le sigh. But oh well. I'll find something! Thank you for helping me look, love! We finished out the second bit of Band of Brothers and crashed.
Today I worked, had lunch with C, and then took him to the airport. That never really gets any easier. I got bummed for a bit, but then realized that it's okay because I get to have him come home to me on Thursday! Reuniting is always fun.
Tonight Rose and I ate at Kumari. It was delicious, but I'm feeling pretty nauseated. I'm fairly sure it wasn't the food. I think it's just all my stress lately tearing my tum-tum up. I really honestly feel like I could throw-up. God, I hate vomiting.
Anyway...I think I'm going to try to learn an Incubus song on my guitar, read some more of Roadside Picnic, and then crawl in bed.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
I was orally assaulted by you....
Current mood: satisfied
Sing that subjuct line up there to the tune of "Hopelessly Devoted" by Olivia Newton John. God, I'm screwed up.
Went to the Ellicott City Brewing Company with Crescent, Craig, and their friend Greg. I wasn't really all that hungry but I had baked briee (?) and two of their seasonal brews. Then we went back to Cres and Craig's and told amusing stories about dating, online personals, West Virginia, high school experiences, etc. It was a really, really nice time. I'm so glad that I have people like Craig and Cres to hang out with! They're really good people and good friends. And it's nice just to be with friends.
Speaking of friends...The Shawns will be here tomorrow!!!! Or maybe I should spell it The Seans, so Burns won't get mad. Shauns? Sohns? Anyway, I'm very excited!!!!!
And Friday night, Colin comes home! I look back on this summer...and god it's been hard...but I've learned a lot about me and about him. And now he's coming back! And I find myself so impatient. Like these last two days are going to freakin' kill me! Wow, I love him. I am in such a good mood!
I've had a good evening with friends, I'm looking forward to a wonderful weekend with two of my best boys, my boyfriend is coming home, and I just had an incredibly tantalizing and naughty phone conversation with my incredibly sexy boyfriend. Life is good.
Ghetto cookout...
Current mood: aggravated
Work pissed me the fuck off today. Fuckers!
But we did have a cook out at lunch today, which was good. Yes...I said cook out. The were celebrating birthdays for the month of August. One of the receptionists hauled her grill up and we had hot dogs, brautwurst, hamburgers, potato salad, deviled eggs, macaroni salad, barbeque chicken, jamacian jerk chicken, meatballs, cake and ice cream! God bless black people in the ghetto.
Anyway, Crescent and I are off to the pub! I'm going to drink away my frustrations and she's going to drink away Scott. Here's to the healing power of alcohol and loud music!!
Death of a Ghettomobile, Steak on a Stake, and a Rebel Yell
Current mood: bouncy
Le auto...c'est mort!!!
Okay so although my ghettofabulous ride hasn't exactly kicked, it is no longer a vital part of my life. Because about two weeks ago, I bought a new car! Well...at least I signed up to make payments for the next five years.
I'm now the proud owner of a silvery-champagen colored 2000 Honda Accord, complete with a decent cd / stereo system, sunroof, and keyless entry!!!! And not only can I get into my car via my keyless entry doohickie, but I can also open my trunk with just a press of a button! That's science, friends! I can now die a happy woman.
So I'm gonna sell my Corsica if anyone is interested. She needs a new oil pump and possibly new bearings. I put a new alternator and battery in it back in April and my dad just replaced the head gasket, the oil filter, all the fluids, and all the spark plugs about a month ago. I imagine that, once her current issues are fixed, she'll last another two years or so. I'm asking $1000 or best offer.
Can I get a "Huzzah"?
Last weekend, Colin and I went to the Renaissance Festival here in Crownsville, MD for a few hours. I dined on steak on a stake and imbibed some of the King's finest ale! (And I was a wee bit tipsy from just two beverages...uh-oh! )
The village wasn't as large as the one in OH, but I liked the set-up a wee bit more. It was totally shaded and was situated on a series of small hills and valleys and the village path was all twisty. It felt like a real little medieval town. There was a greater variety of beer, but the jousting area was much smaller. They had a Globe Theater at which plays are performed throughout the day, but that took the place of the Mudde Show. I for one don't think a Ren Fest is quite a Ren Fest without a Mudde Show! (But I am a very filthy girl at heart. ) It was quite nice, but is wasn't MY Ren Fest.
As is tradition, I stopped at the bustier and doublet shoppe and donned a purple, suede bustier. My cleavage was nearly up to my chin and Colin grinned from ear to ear. He tried on a tan, lambskin doublet...and my god!...I've never seen the boy look more handsome in all my life! He was hot, hot, hot, hot, hhhhot!!! All he needed to be a total medeival hottie was a white tunic, breeches, knee-high boots, bracers, and a sword. I'd be his wench any day!
I so hope he gets to come to the Fest in OH with me and my friends! With the costuming this year, it's bounds to be loads of fun and laughs! I can't wait to see Shawn and Chris's costumes!
She cried, "More, more, more!!!!"
Oh yes, my friends. Even though I already saw him at HFStival this summer, once was not enough. It merely whet my appetite and made Colin jealous. So that's why I'm taking Colin to see Billy Idol tonight at Ram's Head Live tonight!!!!
Ladies and gentlemen light-in-the-loafers, I realize that Billy Idol may not be your fantasy. He was never mine. But go see him live. You might change your mind. That man, even though he's in his 50's, his muscles are bloody cut from granite! And he can still rock the fuck out!
"Hey little sister, what have you done? Hey little sister, who's the only one? Hey little sister, who's your superman? Hey little sister, who's the one you want? Hey little sister, shot gun! It's a nice day for a white wedding! It's a nice day to START AGAIN!!!! Waaa owww owww!!" ~ Billy Idol - White Wedding
Thursday, September 08, 2005
27 and feeling euphoric...or is it eutoric?
Current mood: excited
Eutoria!!!
I promised Heather I would write about the Tori show and here it is.I saw Tori Amos (again) on August 24th with Crescent down at the Inner Harbor. It was such a beautiful show! This was my third time seeing her live and it never gets old. (Thank you, Crescent!)
It was a lovely evening, comfortably warm with a slight breeze blowing in off the water. The sun had just set and in the blue glow of twilight, the lights of the buildings in the Inner Harbor flickered on. There was a carnivalish feel. Maybe it was the smell of all of the restaurants or the smell of the too done hot dogs or nachos. One thing that struck me in particular as Cres and I found our seats was the relaxed mood of the crowd. They were all so...peaceful. Content. Like they were gathered together to worship.
Before the show started Cres and I were just sipping our beers and talking. We were situated only 10 or so rows back and just to the right of the center of the stage. We couldn'tve been luckier or had a better view. Our seats were on the end of a row and we noticed this tall skinny guy with a lazy eye dressed all in back, walking back and forth, back and forth, as if he were having difficulty locating his seat. He stopped and just started talking to me, telling me how excited he was about the show. I agreed that it was going to be a good show and turned back to continue my conversation with Crescent. He moved closer to me and kept talking. Not wanting to be rude, I returned conversation for a moment and then turned back to Cres. She and I talked for a good minute and a half and this guy continued to stand there, looking down at me, and listening to our conversation. He then blurts out, "So can I get your number so that we can stay in touch?" I reply, "I have a boyfriend and I don't think he'd like it if I gave out my phone number to random young men." At this point I figured the conversation would end. But no. He says, "Well, just in case you break up." I said, "Yeah, that's not real likely to happen. I'm gonna marry him." After a moment...he walked away.
The lights dimmed, a hush fell over the crowd, and the goddess came out all dressed in white her hair all ablaze in the stage lighting. She wore a white tank top paired with a tee-length white peasant skirt and a stunning crystal necklacke that covered the entire open neck of her tank top. She also had a white crystal sparkly belt if I remember correctly. Her hair was bright red and gleaming. She had allowed the natural soft curl to take over and had pulled it back at the sides. Her ears poked through her hair at moments and when the lights hit her just right and she tilted her head just so, she looked very much like a beautiful wood nymph or faerie! I looked at her a moment, admiring her. And then I realized that her tummy was protruding a bit...but she was skinny everywhere else. And so it would seem that Tori has a bun in the oven!
This concert she chose to revert to "the girl and her piano" thing, so there was no band. But it wasn't really just a piano. She did indeed have her big, hulking black Bosendorfer but there was also a two tier organ, and three electric piano keyboards. She spent most of her time at the Bosendorfer per her usual, however the organ was behind her and she occasionally straddled the piano bench and played both, which was phenomenal to witness.
Now because her family was there (she grew up in the Balitmore/DC area) it was a tasteful, non-suggestive straddling of the piano bench. No gyrations or grinding. No humping the piano. And no off color comments, cursing, or talk of cocks. But that's just fine. I didn't much mind. I'm not 22 anymore...the shock value has somewhat worn off. And she's freaking 37 or so. It just doesn't have the same impact that it used to. Plus with her being pregnant I feel it would've been in bad taste. So no humping.
I can't recall precisely in what order she played everything but I do know that she performed the following: Original Sinsuality, Crucify, Winter, Leather, Marianne, Playboy Mommy, A Sort of Fairytale, Sweet the Sting, Jamaica Inn, Cars and Guitars, The Beekeeper, an Elton John song, and a Queen song.
And there may have been one or two more. Don't know. What I do know is that it was pure Tori. Her voice was haunting and ethereal...sometimes clear and soaring like an angel's and sometimes growling, frantic, and tortured like one of the damned. And her musicianship never fails to blow me away. She makes any instrument with keys not only talk, but laugh, squeal with glee, scream, cry, beg, moan, plead, and dance the tango.
I just kicked back and listened and let my senses feast on the beauty that was surrounding me. I just sat back and worshiped the goddess aflame on her thone. I got that little achey feeling in my chest. You know the one. The thing you get when the moment is too perfect. They way Colin makes me feel sometimes. It was lovely. Just lovely.
The show was particularly special because Tori's parents where there. Cres and I were seated about four rows behind and just to the right of them.I recognized them from pictures that I had seen in the past. And also because two people their age at a show like that sort of stick out like a sore thumb! I was delighted to find them your very typical Maryland couple. He father was about 5'8", his hair completely white and cut short, he wore khaki slacks, a pale blue shirt, large thick, black framed glasses, a dark blue World War II Veteren's cap, and his priest's collar (he's a minister). He walked with a cane. Tori's mother was about 5'3", thin, with pixie-cut white hair, thin glasses, wearing tan dress slacks, a typical old lady flowery shirt, a pearl necklace and earrings set, with a tan handbag slung over one arm. As I said, the perfect typical Maryland old couple. They were quite obviously very proud of their daughter, periodically gazing at each other during her performance and beaming, giving the other a kiss on the cheek, or a squeeze. It was very sweet to witness.
One last thing. During the show as I was lost in bliss, Cres turned her head and looked back to our left just to check out the crowd. And she burst out laughing. I followed her gaze and saw this guy with a total euphoric look on his face, his mouth frozen in this creepy grin, his eyes wide and fixed upon the image of Tori on stage. I rolled! You just had to be there. That look! Oh my god! That look was perfect! It's where I coined the word "eutoria". He was totally eutoric!
27
Happy Birthday to me! I'm twenty-seven today. I used to write that not much changed with every passing birthday. That I didn't feel that much different. And this year that's true to some degree. I'm still me. Older, more experienced, wiser. But for the first time in a long time, I feel quite hopeful. This birthday feels more like 20 than 27. I have that little warm fuzzy. And I'm glad. And excited!
Colin bought me a lovely russian crystal white gold and platinum earring and necklace set. It's so beautiful and I feel guilty! He makes me feel very loved and very special. Thank you, baby! I love you!
Friday, August 26, 2005
Fabulous din din with my sexy blue-eyed chef!!!!
Current mood: happy
Colin, my sexy and amazing boyfriend whom I love with all of my body including my pinky toe, made me the best dinner today!
He made English Ale and Cheddar soup with leeks, carrots, and celery. Also, a zinfandel braised short ribs with vadaillia onions, braised carrots, andouille sausage and aged cheddar grits, and corn on the cob with lemon-pepper. And we had bourbon and honey-glazed camembert (cheese) with baguette croutons. (I couldn't have told you all that...he just told me as I was typing. I just know that it was deeeeeelicious!!!!)
And he bought me a shirt from PacSun yesterday all by himself! And I like it! And it looks good on me! Woooo haaaaaa! I'm extremely happy right now. And very much in love. And very much in love. And very much in love. Did I say that? Oh and I'm very much in love.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Weekend of Horror, The Boyfriend, and I feel sick!
Current mood: sick
Shawn and Sean were up to Bodymore this past weekend. They both arrived Thursday night fairly late. We went to a near-midnight Korean dinner at Nam Kang. I took the day off from Heroin Addict Land on Friday so that I could spend the day showing them around the dirty, wonderful hodge-podge of a city that Baltimore is.
We attempted to visit Edgar Allan Poe's house, but found it closed due to air conditioning malfunction. Seeing that we were pretty damn hungry we decided to grab some lunch, so I took them to the Paper Moon in all of it's quirky glory. The Paper Moon is a local diner that has old kewpie dolls, Barbies, GI Joes, WWF Westler dolls, toy airplanes and vehicles of all kinds, baby dolls, bald and naken manican torsos, army men, etc. all over the ceiling and walls. It's really, really funky. And the foods pretty good too!
After our very filling meal, we went to the Baltimore Museum of Art. I wasn't terribly impressed with the exhibits, having been to the Art Institute in Chicago and several of the museums in DC. The cool thing was that the scultpure "The Thinker" was there. Shawn and I had our picture taken with it. Thinking. We all nearly had "head-explodey" in the Contemporary Art section. Um...a piece of black canvas is not a work of art.
After that we were driving downtown and saw people walking toward the Baltimore Convention Center dressed up as Sailor Moon, Inuyasha, and Link from the Legend of Zelda. It was then that we realized that there was an Anime Convention in town. So we parked and walked down to check the price of admission. $50.00 a day was a wee bit too steep, so we just sat on the wall and checked out the geeks in costume. There were two asian-american guys walking down the sidewalk yelling, "Anime! Anime!" Oh yeah. I took some pictures of some hot chicks in costume. For the boys, of course. For the last time Shawn, I AM NOT a lesbian.
We grabbed some coffee and then grabbed a Crescent and went to Kumari, an Indian restaurant, for dinner. Our intention was to go out and party down when we had finished eating, but I developed a headache, Crescent was tired, and Sean's gout started acting up. So we just went home. God, we're getting fucking old! LOL!
Well, plus, I wanted to make sure I was home when Colin got there. And he did at about 2:30 AM Saturday morning. The boys had gone to sleep by the time he got there, which is all well and good by me. I just wanted to see him with no distraction. And we hugged and kissed and made sweet, sweet love. *sigh*
The next morning the boys woke me up at an ungodly hour so that we could get a good place in line to get into the Horror Convention. Yup. Horror Convention. There were lots of boys there. Lots of them dressed in black. But suprisingly, only two vampires. Although there were a few Freddy Krugers, a naughty little red riding hood, and couple of gothies. The rest were just normal geeks like us who watched too many horror movies as children. We waited in line for an hour to get in and then got in Bruce Campbell's line. For those of you who may not know who he is, he starred in the Evil Dead movies and, more recently, in Bubba Ho-tep. We waited in line from 10:00 am to 1:30pm just to get this dude's signature. I got a photo signed for Colin and a book for myself. We then wandered around and looked at the useless but really cool "evil" shit they had for sell. My favorite were the "dead babies" baby dolls. They were fucking morbid and scary little corpse baby dolls. And there was a cuddly white teady bear... with a gaping bloody maul. Yup. We went through a really stupid haunted house and then watched about 30 minutes of a horrible 70's horror movie called "Race with the Devil" that had an orgy scene with a Satanic virgin sacrifice. Yup. Oh yeah, and we got to meet the guy who played the cop in Frighteners. You know. "My body is a road map of pain!"
Then we went back to the apartment and met up with Colin. We chilled for a bit and headed out for pizza and beer at The Thirsty Dog. I got a wee bit toasty. We came back and watched some of Eddie Izzard's "Glorius" and passed out.
Sunday Shawn left. Sean, Colin, Rose, and I had lunch at Don Pablo's and then returned to the apartment for a day of relaxing in front of the TV. Colin crashed out and I took Sean to BWI. I returned and woke my sexy boyfriend to go get Domino's and the second disc of Band of Brothers. We sent a sleeping and drooling Rose to bed and watched the first part and then konked out ourselves. Well we didn't immediately go to sleep....but...yeah. hehe
It was a really beautiful weekend. There was a ton of hilarity with old friends, new friends, and boyfriend. And my friends got to meet my boyfriend...and stamp them with their seal of approval. (That's what it meant when Shawn was humping your leg, honey.)
Monday I worked (ick!) but got a ton accomplished (hurray!) and then Colin and I went looking for cars for me (ick!) I found that I can't afford a whole fuckin' lot. Le sigh. But oh well. I'll find something! Thank you for helping me look, love! We finished out the second bit of Band of Brothers and crashed.
Today I worked, had lunch with C, and then took him to the airport. That never really gets any easier. I got bummed for a bit, but then realized that it's okay because I get to have him come home to me on Thursday! Reuniting is always fun.
Tonight Rose and I ate at Kumari. It was delicious, but I'm feeling pretty nauseated. I'm fairly sure it wasn't the food. I think it's just all my stress lately tearing my tum-tum up. I really honestly feel like I could throw-up. God, I hate vomiting.
Anyway...I think I'm going to try to learn an Incubus song on my guitar, read some more of Roadside Picnic, and then crawl in bed.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
I was orally assaulted by you....
Current mood: satisfied
Sing that subjuct line up there to the tune of "Hopelessly Devoted" by Olivia Newton John. God, I'm screwed up.
Went to the Ellicott City Brewing Company with Crescent, Craig, and their friend Greg. I wasn't really all that hungry but I had baked briee (?) and two of their seasonal brews. Then we went back to Cres and Craig's and told amusing stories about dating, online personals, West Virginia, high school experiences, etc. It was a really, really nice time. I'm so glad that I have people like Craig and Cres to hang out with! They're really good people and good friends. And it's nice just to be with friends.
Speaking of friends...The Shawns will be here tomorrow!!!! Or maybe I should spell it The Seans, so Burns won't get mad. Shauns? Sohns? Anyway, I'm very excited!!!!!
And Friday night, Colin comes home! I look back on this summer...and god it's been hard...but I've learned a lot about me and about him. And now he's coming back! And I find myself so impatient. Like these last two days are going to freakin' kill me! Wow, I love him. I am in such a good mood!
I've had a good evening with friends, I'm looking forward to a wonderful weekend with two of my best boys, my boyfriend is coming home, and I just had an incredibly tantalizing and naughty phone conversation with my incredibly sexy boyfriend. Life is good.
Ghetto cookout...
Current mood: aggravated
Work pissed me the fuck off today. Fuckers!
But we did have a cook out at lunch today, which was good. Yes...I said cook out. The were celebrating birthdays for the month of August. One of the receptionists hauled her grill up and we had hot dogs, brautwurst, hamburgers, potato salad, deviled eggs, macaroni salad, barbeque chicken, jamacian jerk chicken, meatballs, cake and ice cream! God bless black people in the ghetto.
Anyway, Crescent and I are off to the pub! I'm going to drink away my frustrations and she's going to drink away Scott. Here's to the healing power of alcohol and loud music!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
The Double Blog Catastrophie
So I've been posting on myspace for a while. I have betrayed Blogger!!!! EEEEEEKKKKK!!! But I've returned. I'm still going to keep up both. I promise. Cut and paste is my friend.
Anyway for those of you who missed my happenings due to my betrayal...well here ya go. My summer in all it's weirdness and glory.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Counting the days...1, 2, 3!!! Current mood: happy-sad
The wheather has been gray and overcast all day. It has fit my mood. (Blah!) But I'm tired of blah. Too much blah makes you blah, blah, blah and that won't do!
Especially when two of my best boys are coming to visit this weekend! And especially, 'specially when my very best boy in the whole universe is coming home to me on Saturday in the wee hours! (In the wheeeee hours! "I saw this kid in a wheelchair and he was going really, really fast and he was like...Wwhheeeee!!!!")
Two days till I get to see Shawn and Sean. And three days until I get to sleep next to the man I love.
I can still smell the musky scent of your skin touching mine. Burning with passion or cooling with tears. Love won’t be hidden here in the honest light of morning. I see you with blue-green eyes on fire and I know. Waking to the sound of your breathing and the feel of you here next to me..I am home.
And finally I understand the reason for all of my searching. And for once I don’t mind my scars. I have found half of me in you. And I truly cannot imagine my world without you in it.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Car and guitars...and Medical School Current mood: cheerful
I pulled out my guitar again. I'm working on learning "Wish You Were Here" by Incubus. Ouchie!!! These chords are quite a fucking stretch! And my finger tips hurt! But in a week or so my callouses will be back and my wrist will become more accustomed to the stretch and all will be well.
I'm going to sign up for lessons again next week. Right after I apply to University of Maryland. I'm going to take Biology, Inorganic and Organic Chemistry, and Physics this fall and next spring. Why you may ask, since I already have my B.A. in Psychology and the plan to this point has been to continue my graduate studies and obtain my PhD? Well...the plan has changed. I'm taking these courses because they are prerequisites for admission into University of Maryland Medical School and Psychiatry program. I'm going to be a doctor. Scary, isn't it?
When I was younger I wanted to be a psychiatrst, but then I learned you had to go to medical school and wrote that off. I decided that I would settle for the title of psychologist. I hadn't really thought about it in years until Dr. Robinson, the psychiatrist I used to work with at Prestera, began urging me to consider psychiatry as a future career, but I just shrugged it off. I thought, "I'm too old to think about changing careers now." But the seed was planted and it's been hiding there for a bit.
I think the desire sprouted up earlier in the year during conversation with Colin about our career plans and such, and he encouraged me to follow it if it was what I wanted. Again, I dismissed the idea. But it didn't totally fade away. It's been lurking about in my brain and whispering in my ear.
Yesterday I decided to speak with Dr. Randall, the Medical Director at my clinic, regarding my lurking desire to go to medical school. He attended school at UM and he was on their admissions committee, performing interviews and such for a number of years. For the record, Dr. Randall is a smart-ass, smarmy bastard who is entirely approachable and genuinely cares about his clients. He's a wonderful person and physician and I enjoy him more than any other doctor I've worked with. He flashed me a devilish smile and said, "Yeah Chris I've had lesser students come my way. I think you'd do alright." LOL! Ass! Isn't this exciting? "Paging Dr. Garris!" And if Colin plays his cards right, "Paging Dr. Abernethy!"
In spite of my optimism and excitement regarding the future of my career, I'm a little bummed this morning. As everyone knows, my ghetto fabulous ride has been dying a slow death...well...ever since I bought it. She's almost at the end. And I'm tired of pouring money into her ugly gray ass. (It is gray now...no rust anymore!)
Yesterday I found a sweet deal on a 2004 Hyundai Elantra GT Hatchback, Black, all leather interior, CD player, sunroof, groovy sound system, 23,000 miles...and I'm right on the verge of buying it...but I can't get an insurance company to give me a fucking decent deal!
So what if I've had three speeding tickets and two minor fender benders in the past three years? I've just had back fucking luck! I'm not a bad driver nor a speedy driver. It just seems that there's always a damn cop present at the most inopportune of moments.
They'll all regret this when I'm a doctor!!!!!!!!
Oh well. So I guess I'm going to get myself together, pack a bag, and drive the folks home to WV. Everyone have a lovely weekend!
Peace, pot, cancer spot!
Thursday, August 11, 2005
motherfuckingbloodybitchcockgodfuckingwhores!!!!!!! Current mood: cranky
Whew! Talk about catharsis.
So I'm fairly stressed because work was just pretty shitty today. The female lab tech. who usually collects urine and blood samples was out sick and the counselors were asked to help pick up the slack. No problem. Team work makes the world go 'round.
Well, during the 10:30 to 12:30 AM dosing hours, I decided to go ahead an volunteer my time as temporary lab tech. I collected many, many cups of warm pee pee and in the process saw a variety of asses and cha chas in all shapes, colors, and sizes. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the good of the company.
Anyway, we closed for lunch and Tamika and I headed out for food, returned, and I was able to work for a while on the pile of progress notes, treatment plans, and doctor's orders that have accumulated throughout the week.
I was hoping that during the evening hours I would be able to work uninterupted, however my hopes were dashed. The receptionist paged for an available female counselor to proceed to the front desk. I continued working, figuring that the two other counselors still on duty would pick up the slack this evening since I volunteered my morning. The receptionist paged again. A few minutes later, he called and asked me to come. Of course I did. It wasn't Tony's fault that my fucking coworkers were sitting on their fucking asses in their fucking offices ignoring him! Grrrrr!!!!!
Of course, I was unable to complete even a single progress note this evening. So I guess I'm going to call a little impromptu counselor's meeting tomorrow. I didn't want to do it today 'cause I was too pissed. I'm sure I would have been a wee bit harsh and actually called them motherfuckingbloodybitchcockgodfuckingwhores!!!!!!! And I'm a professional. And that just wouldn't do.
Whew! Catharsis. I actually feel somewhat better.
And thanks for trying to cheer me up this evening, baby. I appreciate it. When you come back next week, you can cheer me up with your penis! Or slap me upside the head with it. Whatever.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
This feels like a beginning... Current mood: peaceful
I've had a heavy weight on my mind and heart since last weekend. Mainly regarding some uncertainty surrounding myself and Colin. But tonight as I write this, I feel at peace.
I just hung up from a two hour phone conversation with my boyfriend and as we talked my emotions ran the full gamut. Tonight I've touched everything from saddnes, fear, hurt, and anxiety to happiness, hope, joy, confidence, and love. (Not necessarily in that order...but pretty much.)
We talked about the progression of our relationship this summer and the trials and obstacles that we've faced with him being away. We discussed the loose ends that we've each had to tie up in order to progress forward. We talked about our love for one another and our respective desire to marry and become a family. And we talked about Peter Gabriel, WWI derived donut names, my adventures with heroin addicts, paintball, Massive Attack, Puddle of Mudd, and Nickleback. (This last bit, of course, was the most important part. Peter Gabriel rocks!)
It has been so fucking hard to be apart this summer. But it's been such a learning and growing experience for the both of us. And I wouldn't choose for any of it to have happened any other way. Where I am is exactly where I need to be.
And as my crazy ass grandmother used to say, "We don't grow from just sunshine alone. We're like a seed. We need lots of dirt, lots of rain, and some shit piled on top too!" (She also called me a "piss ant" and told me I was going to hell on a regular basis. She was a wise old bird, that one!)
It's almost hard to believe that my love is coming home to me in less than two weeks. He's coming home. And it feels very much like a beginning. And I am so very happy.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Random thoughts after a drunken night... Current mood: tired
So why am I up at 8:00 am piddling around online on a Sunday morning? Especially considering that I had to wake up yesterday morning at 5:30 am yesterday so that I could make it to work by 7? And I didn't go to bed until 1 am or so the night before that? (Isn't this a lot of questions? Should I ask another one for effect?)
Well...let's just say that the lamb carpaccio and the four high alcohol content beers I had last night at Brewer's Art was a bad combination.
I got home around 3ish last night/this morning and laid down. No sooner than my head touched the pillow I found myself very compelled go hang out with the porceline goddess in the bathroom. I spent a few intimate moments on my knees in front of her. I believe my offering was sufficient.
God I hate vomitting.
I suppose it was worth it. I had a nice time with Crescent and Crystal yesterday evening. We spent some time at Brewer's Art and explored the bars in Canton. My friend (acquaintance, really) Chris (the one in Baltimore not Ohio) attempted to meet us out, but he could never catch up with us. As soon as we'd tell him we were at one place, Cres and Crystal would be ready to leave and we were walking or driving to another. Poor Chris! I'll have to apologize.
Highlights: I got my picture taken with a few members of the Baltimore City Fire Department for shits and giggles. I walked barefoot in the grass in the park area there in Canton. I had my picture taken with a gigantic crab art thingie. (Can't wait to see that one! The pinchers were strategically placed.) And I had good conversation with my friends.
Christina's Sunday Forecast: Stormy with patches of Sunshine
I'm going back to bed for a while, then Crystal and I will get up and continue the search for her new apartment. Today we're hitting Ellicot City and the Owings Mills areas.
Rose is brining the folks back to Baltimore with her when she returns this evening. They'll be here all week long which will be somewhat stressful, but also very nice. I love my parents so much. They always turn up when I need them.
I'll be taking them home next weekend, I guess.
Then another week and Shawn and Sean come to visit and go to the Horror Convention! Woo haa! We're such geeks. But I really wouldn't have it any other way.
I haven't been to the beach yet this year. Well, except the day in April we went to Ocean City, but it was freezing. That doesn't count.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Real Current mood: content
All of you who have flung your conrats at me, I thank you. But Colin and I are still just boyfriend and girlfriend.
It was a preliminary sort of thingie. To see what I would say. But the fact remains that he plans on asking and I plan on saying yes. And that makes me so very happy.
I asked him what this made us and he said, "In love."
We watched Big Fish this Saturday. I watched as the main character's wife watched her husband creep closer toward death, and the thought struck me that I would have to face that with Colin one day. I started crying. It was one of those moments that make me realize how very much I do love him. It was one of those moments that make me realize...yes, this is it. This is real.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
A thousand times yes... Current mood: loved
I feel...so many ways right now.
Tired. From the long day, with the flight back from Columbus, a full days work, plus helping Nick move things out of his apartment.
Sick. 'Cause I'm sick.
Sad. Because I miss Colin already. It's always so hard the first day or so after we've been together for a few days. My moods go from Whoosh to Kerplunk in 10 seconds flat. It's hard to adjust to being without after I've had the luxury of curling up and sleeping every night next to the man I love.
But under all of this surface yuck there is an underlying feeling of joy! A feeling of love! A feeling of wonder!
And here's the reason why, in spite of all the ick, I'm very happy:
After ruining the knife Colin was presented upon entering CIA by using it paired with a glass cutting board to chop up garlic and ginger for the indian curry chicken dish I was attempting, he instructed me to leave the food simmering and he led me from the kitchen to the living room. He led me to the couch and said, "I need to ask you something." He then made sure we were seated so that I was looking straight into those beautiful blue-green eyes and said, "I know I don't have a ring or anything, so I guess it won't be totally official, but...will you marry me?"
I was suprised, but pleasantly so. Filled with wonder and disbelief, my eyes widened as I searched his face and realized that he wasn't joking or teasing me. I smiled and said, "Yes. A thousand times, yes."
So I guess that Colin and I are sort of, kind of, somethinged. Well, he unofficially asked me. There's no ring, but what's that but a physical symbol of a commitment? My dad brought my mother a Kitty Wells record, Waltz of the Angels, on the night he asked her. A physical symbol that my sister destroyed when she was two.
All that matters is that I love this man very much and want nothing more than to be his wife. Until the stars fill my eyes, baby. I promise.
"Until the stars fill my eyes...and we touch the last time. I will love you. Love you." ~ I Will Love You by Fisher
Saturday, July 30, 2005
alls well that ends well.... Current mood: jubilant
This past week has been...interesting. But it seems to be ending well.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday we lost electricity in our apartment complex at about 6:00 PM every evening. The hardworking, hardhat wearing men of Baltimore Gas & Electric would fix it by 1:00 AM or so. Monday I didn't mind it so much...it was almost novel, sitting around talking by candlelight. Tuesday I was annoyed. Wednesday there was much cursing involved and then, hilarity. I kept dancing around the living room singing, "Oh Lord send the power just now!" and making Rose laugh till she nearly peed herself.
I was suprised and relieved when it stayed on all evening on Thursday. I thought I was going to have to go use the internet at Kinko's so that I could book my flight to Columbus.
Friday was hectic, arriving at work at 7:30 AM and working my ass off seeing clients and completing treatment plans all day till 3:00 PM. And I didn't even get to my progress notes!
Rose was supposed to pick me up at 3:00 PM, but of course, was late. My flight was scheduled to leave at 4:25 PM. Due to leaving late, traffic, and one hell of a rain storm, she didn't arrive until 3:45 PM. I got to the airport and checked my bag and the Southwest airline attendant told me I had 20 minutes to get through security and board my flight. I was so pissed I could've spit nails! Directly between Rose's eyeballs. Anyway, I waited in the security line for 10 minutes and moved a whole 10 feet or so. At this point I was a bit frantic, so I approached a security officer and explained my situation. He returned after a minute and opened a new line for those of us who had so little time. So with about 3 minutes to spare, I made it through security and then ran towards my gate. Keep in mind that I had just come from work, so I was running in high heels with my boobs bouncing all over the place! I made it to the flight and found a seat. And as if I wasn't embarrassed and freaked out enough, I had to hit my head on the baggage thingie as I was sitting down.
I always see those people running through the airport...looking all stressed and doing something stupid as they sit down on the plane. I've always felt sorry for them and thought to myself, "I NEVER wanna be that guy." Well...I was that guy. But all's well that ends well.
So I'm here now in Cincy, waiting for Colin to get home from work. I got here last night at about 8:30 PM, made passionate love to the boyfriend, and then had a decent dinner at PF Changs. Then more canoodling and bed. I slept like a fucking baby.
Poor Colin, he SO didn't want to go to work this morning. I got up and kissed him off to work and then slept till 11:00 AM. I cleaned a little...'cause that's what women are supposed to do, right? (There's no eye-rolling smiley so pretend you see one here.) Then I hit the gym for 45 minutes, read more of Band of Brothers, and now I'm wasting time on the internet! Woo hoo! Actually, I was looking up a recipe for Curry Chicken. I'm jonesin' for some Indian style cuisine!
Hmmm...an hour and a half till he gets home. Time enough for a shower and grocery shopping, but the food won't be done as he walks in the door. Oh well. You can't have everything!
Oh one last thing. I am so in love with my boyfriend! Very much in love. And it's such a wonderful feeling! For the first time in a long time I am peaceful and happy. Lately, I find myself feeling pleasantly suprised and thinking, "Wow. Is it really all working out?" And I think it is. And I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it!
Monday, July 25, 2005
But I won't love you!" Current mood: cheerful
My niece, Meg, is an amazing little creature.
When I went to visit my family last weekend, I was chatting with my brother about his new son or daughter that's currently growing in my sister-in-law's tummy. Cheryl (my sis in law) made the comment that it was mine or Rose's turn to have a baby next. Meg instantly wore a look of sadness on her face.
I asked, "What's wrong, baby?" She replied, "Well, I don't like 'dat idea." I laughed and said, "But if we have babies we'll still love you!" "Yeah...but I won't love you! I'll go in my room and cry and cry."
Yesterday I spoke with my brother on the phone and he was telling me of his weekend trip to the in-laws. Meg was there playing with some of her male cousins. They walked out in the road and she said, "You'd better get out of 'dat road! My daddy will make his frowny face and you don't want to see 'dat!"
While playing Barbies with Meg, Rose asked her, "Do you need a Ken doll, baby?" To which Meg replied, "What's a Ken doll baby?"
She makes me laugh every time I'm with her. Her view of the world is so innocent, so charming. She makes me remember that sometimes it's okay to play.
I want one just like her. One day.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Lazy Daze... Current mood: content
I've had a very lazy, slow-paced, but satisfying weekend thus far.
Yesterday Rose and I cleaned up our little home a bit and then lounged down by the pool for an hour or so. After that we got all sexy and went to play poker at our friend Jim's. Well, no one else had shown up for said poker match and it isn't nearly as exciting with only three people, so we just sat around, talking over beer and pretzels. Then Jim told us about a carnival just down the street from where he lives in Arbutus, and being the total kids that we are, we just HAD to go!
At the moment that we were about to head out the door, our friend Lilly arrived, already somewhat inebriated. This isn't good in general, but was particularly bad in this scenario since Lilly recently received a DWI charge. But hey...*shrug*...maybe prison will be good for her!
As I said, we went to the carnival. There were the typical carnival food booths with caramel covered apples, popcorn, cotton candy, funnel cakes, nachos, smoothies, etc. There were the game booths, flashing lights, cheap stuffed animals that probably cost $2.00 but would take $25.00 to win, grimey looking carnies, and a plethora of freaks and rednecks. It reminded me of carnivals back in WV.
We rode a few rides, including the Zipper (which looks somewhat like a Ferris Wheel with caged cars that flip over and over as the wheel turns), the Gravatron, and something I'll call the Whirly-gig (because I can't remember it's name), which spun us around and around and around.
The rides were exhilarating! I felt like a 12 year-old girl for a few moments and giggled with glee as the wind whipped my hair and the world, decorated with flashing lights and joy-seeking people, spun and twisted by. My feeling of delight was topped off with the added underlying terror that one of the rides might fall apart at any moment. On one level, carnival rides have always been more frightening to me that those found in theme parks, because they are not permanent fixtures and are disassembled and reassembled countless times. And it just takes a little imagination to ponder, "What if Carnie Joe-Jim-Bob forgot to tighten those vital bolts and screws?"
After the rides, we spent some time at the beer garden where one could purchase said amber necter for the reasonable price of only $2.00 per 14 oz. glass. To quote Adam Sandler, "Not too shabby."
After realizing that Lilly was pretty damn drunk and that there was a whole fridge full of alcoholic goodies and a half full bottle of wine waiting back at Jim's, we decided to head out. I had the honor of riding with Jim in his itty-bitty MG. The tippy-top of my head popped up above the windshield and if I stretched and strained, I could see over the windshield. It appears that MGs weren't made to accomodate 6'1" amazons.
We returned to the apartment and engaged in an hour and a half long game of poker, with blinds increasing every 5 minutes. For those of you that don't play, this is a quite fast game. Lilly was the first to go out (big suprise) and it seems that she made poor decisions with purpose so that she could make it to the bars before last call. Rose and I were taken out by Jim and that was that.
Today Rose and I chilled by the pool for a good long bit. I got some sun which is now turning a lovely tan color, my greek heritage glowing through.
This evening I think a movie is in order and some reading. Rose is going to to apply at a few local bookstores as she's needing a part-time job to get her finances under control. This is an EXCELLENT idea, in my opinion.
Who knows? Maybe I'll apply for something part-time too. A server job. A book store clerk. A stripper. The possibilities are endless!
Friday, July 22, 2005
What a world! What a world! Current mood: stressed
My sister melted today, much like the Wicked Witch of the West. I dumped water on her 'cause she smelled bad and that was that.
Well...okay. She had an emotional meltdown. And I'm dealing with it.
Holy Jesus if we don't get her financial mumbo jumbo figured out soon...bad things will happen!!!!
I hate stress. Especially when it's other people's rubbing off on me.
*said in a Robert Tildon type voice*: Oh dear Jesus-ah, I come before ya todaaaay-ah. And ask that my sister be saved-ah, from this den of evil-ah, Lord-ah. From the creditors and the houses of evil-ah that haunt her heart and soul, Jesus-ah. And oh Lord-ah, won't ya buy her-ah a Mercedes Benz-ah?
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
I am only me... Current mood: sad
Have you ever just wanted to kick yourself? I mean, really beat the hell out of yourself like Ed Norton's character did in Fight Club? Well that's how I feel right about now.
I just got off the phone with Colin. He asked me something. I gave him an honest estimation of my feelings in regards to the thing he asked me. I don't particularly like my answer to him or the way I feel. And I knew he wouldn't be too pleased with it either. But what else do I do? Lie? I'm done lying.
I wore a mask with Ben, hiding my true feelings and thoughts for years. YEARS. Feel the gravity of that word. Taste the weight of it on your tongue. YEARS. Not a day. Not two weeks. Not two months. Not six months. Not 12 months. YEARS. We were together five YEARS. And I was lying to myself for many of them. Do you know what that does to a soul? I can't even put it into words. The memory makes me nauseated. All of the hurt we did to each other.
Colin...I will not always be everything you want me to be. I will fail you and disappoint you. I am only me. Every day I try to be better than I was the day before. To build, to learn, to grow and to become a thing more beautiful and alive. But some days I don't succeed. Some days I'm somewhat destroyed and defeated by the things that fate throws my way. (Like today.) But I will forever continue to get up and walk forward. I will always try.
I am only me. But everything I am I give you freely.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Mmmmwwwwhahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Current mood: evil
Yesterday I woke up feeling...not quite right. Something was unsettled. Wrong. Icky!!! And as I showered, and drove to work, and worked, this feeling did not disappear. No, no. Rather, it grew worse and I found myself very much angry by lunch time.
Angry, angry, angry, and with no good reason. Just a feeling. Just a mood. Of complete and utter doom.
At one point I thought about Colin's gun, under my bed and nearly ready to go boom. And then I thought about my sister. And everything made sense. *insert maniacal laughter here*
Rose has been driving me bonkers with all of this financial "my life is a sess-pool of pain" bullshit! (My non-psychologist boyfriend helped me figure this out. Where does the counselor go for counseling?) So yesterday evening I made a plan. For her. Because all she was doing was coming home, stressing me out, and then crawling into bed.
And so the plan is this: BUY A HOUSE AND CONSOLIDATE DEBT, BITACH!
I think it's a good plan.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
I miss you, cupcake!
*Le sigh*
I put Colin on a flight back to Ohio tonight after spending two days with him helping him pack and move his stuff into storage. I cried on the drive home.
So we've got another month and a half of him in Ohio. Then two weeks in Richmond and then he'll finally come home. We just gotta hang in there.
I miss him so much! Send me all your happy thoughts people! I need them.
So I've been posting on myspace for a while. I have betrayed Blogger!!!! EEEEEEKKKKK!!! But I've returned. I'm still going to keep up both. I promise. Cut and paste is my friend.
Anyway for those of you who missed my happenings due to my betrayal...well here ya go. My summer in all it's weirdness and glory.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Counting the days...1, 2, 3!!! Current mood: happy-sad
The wheather has been gray and overcast all day. It has fit my mood. (Blah!) But I'm tired of blah. Too much blah makes you blah, blah, blah and that won't do!
Especially when two of my best boys are coming to visit this weekend! And especially, 'specially when my very best boy in the whole universe is coming home to me on Saturday in the wee hours! (In the wheeeee hours! "I saw this kid in a wheelchair and he was going really, really fast and he was like...Wwhheeeee!!!!")
Two days till I get to see Shawn and Sean. And three days until I get to sleep next to the man I love.
I can still smell the musky scent of your skin touching mine. Burning with passion or cooling with tears. Love won’t be hidden here in the honest light of morning. I see you with blue-green eyes on fire and I know. Waking to the sound of your breathing and the feel of you here next to me..I am home.
And finally I understand the reason for all of my searching. And for once I don’t mind my scars. I have found half of me in you. And I truly cannot imagine my world without you in it.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Car and guitars...and Medical School Current mood: cheerful
I pulled out my guitar again. I'm working on learning "Wish You Were Here" by Incubus. Ouchie!!! These chords are quite a fucking stretch! And my finger tips hurt! But in a week or so my callouses will be back and my wrist will become more accustomed to the stretch and all will be well.
I'm going to sign up for lessons again next week. Right after I apply to University of Maryland. I'm going to take Biology, Inorganic and Organic Chemistry, and Physics this fall and next spring. Why you may ask, since I already have my B.A. in Psychology and the plan to this point has been to continue my graduate studies and obtain my PhD? Well...the plan has changed. I'm taking these courses because they are prerequisites for admission into University of Maryland Medical School and Psychiatry program. I'm going to be a doctor. Scary, isn't it?
When I was younger I wanted to be a psychiatrst, but then I learned you had to go to medical school and wrote that off. I decided that I would settle for the title of psychologist. I hadn't really thought about it in years until Dr. Robinson, the psychiatrist I used to work with at Prestera, began urging me to consider psychiatry as a future career, but I just shrugged it off. I thought, "I'm too old to think about changing careers now." But the seed was planted and it's been hiding there for a bit.
I think the desire sprouted up earlier in the year during conversation with Colin about our career plans and such, and he encouraged me to follow it if it was what I wanted. Again, I dismissed the idea. But it didn't totally fade away. It's been lurking about in my brain and whispering in my ear.
Yesterday I decided to speak with Dr. Randall, the Medical Director at my clinic, regarding my lurking desire to go to medical school. He attended school at UM and he was on their admissions committee, performing interviews and such for a number of years. For the record, Dr. Randall is a smart-ass, smarmy bastard who is entirely approachable and genuinely cares about his clients. He's a wonderful person and physician and I enjoy him more than any other doctor I've worked with. He flashed me a devilish smile and said, "Yeah Chris I've had lesser students come my way. I think you'd do alright." LOL! Ass! Isn't this exciting? "Paging Dr. Garris!" And if Colin plays his cards right, "Paging Dr. Abernethy!"
In spite of my optimism and excitement regarding the future of my career, I'm a little bummed this morning. As everyone knows, my ghetto fabulous ride has been dying a slow death...well...ever since I bought it. She's almost at the end. And I'm tired of pouring money into her ugly gray ass. (It is gray now...no rust anymore!)
Yesterday I found a sweet deal on a 2004 Hyundai Elantra GT Hatchback, Black, all leather interior, CD player, sunroof, groovy sound system, 23,000 miles...and I'm right on the verge of buying it...but I can't get an insurance company to give me a fucking decent deal!
So what if I've had three speeding tickets and two minor fender benders in the past three years? I've just had back fucking luck! I'm not a bad driver nor a speedy driver. It just seems that there's always a damn cop present at the most inopportune of moments.
They'll all regret this when I'm a doctor!!!!!!!!
Oh well. So I guess I'm going to get myself together, pack a bag, and drive the folks home to WV. Everyone have a lovely weekend!
Peace, pot, cancer spot!
Thursday, August 11, 2005
motherfuckingbloodybitchcockgodfuckingwhores!!!!!!! Current mood: cranky
Whew! Talk about catharsis.
So I'm fairly stressed because work was just pretty shitty today. The female lab tech. who usually collects urine and blood samples was out sick and the counselors were asked to help pick up the slack. No problem. Team work makes the world go 'round.
Well, during the 10:30 to 12:30 AM dosing hours, I decided to go ahead an volunteer my time as temporary lab tech. I collected many, many cups of warm pee pee and in the process saw a variety of asses and cha chas in all shapes, colors, and sizes. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the good of the company.
Anyway, we closed for lunch and Tamika and I headed out for food, returned, and I was able to work for a while on the pile of progress notes, treatment plans, and doctor's orders that have accumulated throughout the week.
I was hoping that during the evening hours I would be able to work uninterupted, however my hopes were dashed. The receptionist paged for an available female counselor to proceed to the front desk. I continued working, figuring that the two other counselors still on duty would pick up the slack this evening since I volunteered my morning. The receptionist paged again. A few minutes later, he called and asked me to come. Of course I did. It wasn't Tony's fault that my fucking coworkers were sitting on their fucking asses in their fucking offices ignoring him! Grrrrr!!!!!
Of course, I was unable to complete even a single progress note this evening. So I guess I'm going to call a little impromptu counselor's meeting tomorrow. I didn't want to do it today 'cause I was too pissed. I'm sure I would have been a wee bit harsh and actually called them motherfuckingbloodybitchcockgodfuckingwhores!!!!!!! And I'm a professional. And that just wouldn't do.
Whew! Catharsis. I actually feel somewhat better.
And thanks for trying to cheer me up this evening, baby. I appreciate it. When you come back next week, you can cheer me up with your penis! Or slap me upside the head with it. Whatever.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
This feels like a beginning... Current mood: peaceful
I've had a heavy weight on my mind and heart since last weekend. Mainly regarding some uncertainty surrounding myself and Colin. But tonight as I write this, I feel at peace.
I just hung up from a two hour phone conversation with my boyfriend and as we talked my emotions ran the full gamut. Tonight I've touched everything from saddnes, fear, hurt, and anxiety to happiness, hope, joy, confidence, and love. (Not necessarily in that order...but pretty much.)
We talked about the progression of our relationship this summer and the trials and obstacles that we've faced with him being away. We discussed the loose ends that we've each had to tie up in order to progress forward. We talked about our love for one another and our respective desire to marry and become a family. And we talked about Peter Gabriel, WWI derived donut names, my adventures with heroin addicts, paintball, Massive Attack, Puddle of Mudd, and Nickleback. (This last bit, of course, was the most important part. Peter Gabriel rocks!)
It has been so fucking hard to be apart this summer. But it's been such a learning and growing experience for the both of us. And I wouldn't choose for any of it to have happened any other way. Where I am is exactly where I need to be.
And as my crazy ass grandmother used to say, "We don't grow from just sunshine alone. We're like a seed. We need lots of dirt, lots of rain, and some shit piled on top too!" (She also called me a "piss ant" and told me I was going to hell on a regular basis. She was a wise old bird, that one!)
It's almost hard to believe that my love is coming home to me in less than two weeks. He's coming home. And it feels very much like a beginning. And I am so very happy.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Random thoughts after a drunken night... Current mood: tired
So why am I up at 8:00 am piddling around online on a Sunday morning? Especially considering that I had to wake up yesterday morning at 5:30 am yesterday so that I could make it to work by 7? And I didn't go to bed until 1 am or so the night before that? (Isn't this a lot of questions? Should I ask another one for effect?)
Well...let's just say that the lamb carpaccio and the four high alcohol content beers I had last night at Brewer's Art was a bad combination.
I got home around 3ish last night/this morning and laid down. No sooner than my head touched the pillow I found myself very compelled go hang out with the porceline goddess in the bathroom. I spent a few intimate moments on my knees in front of her. I believe my offering was sufficient.
God I hate vomitting.
I suppose it was worth it. I had a nice time with Crescent and Crystal yesterday evening. We spent some time at Brewer's Art and explored the bars in Canton. My friend (acquaintance, really) Chris (the one in Baltimore not Ohio) attempted to meet us out, but he could never catch up with us. As soon as we'd tell him we were at one place, Cres and Crystal would be ready to leave and we were walking or driving to another. Poor Chris! I'll have to apologize.
Highlights: I got my picture taken with a few members of the Baltimore City Fire Department for shits and giggles. I walked barefoot in the grass in the park area there in Canton. I had my picture taken with a gigantic crab art thingie. (Can't wait to see that one! The pinchers were strategically placed.) And I had good conversation with my friends.
Christina's Sunday Forecast: Stormy with patches of Sunshine
I'm going back to bed for a while, then Crystal and I will get up and continue the search for her new apartment. Today we're hitting Ellicot City and the Owings Mills areas.
Rose is brining the folks back to Baltimore with her when she returns this evening. They'll be here all week long which will be somewhat stressful, but also very nice. I love my parents so much. They always turn up when I need them.
I'll be taking them home next weekend, I guess.
Then another week and Shawn and Sean come to visit and go to the Horror Convention! Woo haa! We're such geeks. But I really wouldn't have it any other way.
I haven't been to the beach yet this year. Well, except the day in April we went to Ocean City, but it was freezing. That doesn't count.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Real Current mood: content
All of you who have flung your conrats at me, I thank you. But Colin and I are still just boyfriend and girlfriend.
It was a preliminary sort of thingie. To see what I would say. But the fact remains that he plans on asking and I plan on saying yes. And that makes me so very happy.
I asked him what this made us and he said, "In love."
We watched Big Fish this Saturday. I watched as the main character's wife watched her husband creep closer toward death, and the thought struck me that I would have to face that with Colin one day. I started crying. It was one of those moments that make me realize how very much I do love him. It was one of those moments that make me realize...yes, this is it. This is real.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
A thousand times yes... Current mood: loved
I feel...so many ways right now.
Tired. From the long day, with the flight back from Columbus, a full days work, plus helping Nick move things out of his apartment.
Sick. 'Cause I'm sick.
Sad. Because I miss Colin already. It's always so hard the first day or so after we've been together for a few days. My moods go from Whoosh to Kerplunk in 10 seconds flat. It's hard to adjust to being without after I've had the luxury of curling up and sleeping every night next to the man I love.
But under all of this surface yuck there is an underlying feeling of joy! A feeling of love! A feeling of wonder!
And here's the reason why, in spite of all the ick, I'm very happy:
After ruining the knife Colin was presented upon entering CIA by using it paired with a glass cutting board to chop up garlic and ginger for the indian curry chicken dish I was attempting, he instructed me to leave the food simmering and he led me from the kitchen to the living room. He led me to the couch and said, "I need to ask you something." He then made sure we were seated so that I was looking straight into those beautiful blue-green eyes and said, "I know I don't have a ring or anything, so I guess it won't be totally official, but...will you marry me?"
I was suprised, but pleasantly so. Filled with wonder and disbelief, my eyes widened as I searched his face and realized that he wasn't joking or teasing me. I smiled and said, "Yes. A thousand times, yes."
So I guess that Colin and I are sort of, kind of, somethinged. Well, he unofficially asked me. There's no ring, but what's that but a physical symbol of a commitment? My dad brought my mother a Kitty Wells record, Waltz of the Angels, on the night he asked her. A physical symbol that my sister destroyed when she was two.
All that matters is that I love this man very much and want nothing more than to be his wife. Until the stars fill my eyes, baby. I promise.
"Until the stars fill my eyes...and we touch the last time. I will love you. Love you." ~ I Will Love You by Fisher
Saturday, July 30, 2005
alls well that ends well.... Current mood: jubilant
This past week has been...interesting. But it seems to be ending well.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday we lost electricity in our apartment complex at about 6:00 PM every evening. The hardworking, hardhat wearing men of Baltimore Gas & Electric would fix it by 1:00 AM or so. Monday I didn't mind it so much...it was almost novel, sitting around talking by candlelight. Tuesday I was annoyed. Wednesday there was much cursing involved and then, hilarity. I kept dancing around the living room singing, "Oh Lord send the power just now!" and making Rose laugh till she nearly peed herself.
I was suprised and relieved when it stayed on all evening on Thursday. I thought I was going to have to go use the internet at Kinko's so that I could book my flight to Columbus.
Friday was hectic, arriving at work at 7:30 AM and working my ass off seeing clients and completing treatment plans all day till 3:00 PM. And I didn't even get to my progress notes!
Rose was supposed to pick me up at 3:00 PM, but of course, was late. My flight was scheduled to leave at 4:25 PM. Due to leaving late, traffic, and one hell of a rain storm, she didn't arrive until 3:45 PM. I got to the airport and checked my bag and the Southwest airline attendant told me I had 20 minutes to get through security and board my flight. I was so pissed I could've spit nails! Directly between Rose's eyeballs. Anyway, I waited in the security line for 10 minutes and moved a whole 10 feet or so. At this point I was a bit frantic, so I approached a security officer and explained my situation. He returned after a minute and opened a new line for those of us who had so little time. So with about 3 minutes to spare, I made it through security and then ran towards my gate. Keep in mind that I had just come from work, so I was running in high heels with my boobs bouncing all over the place! I made it to the flight and found a seat. And as if I wasn't embarrassed and freaked out enough, I had to hit my head on the baggage thingie as I was sitting down.
I always see those people running through the airport...looking all stressed and doing something stupid as they sit down on the plane. I've always felt sorry for them and thought to myself, "I NEVER wanna be that guy." Well...I was that guy. But all's well that ends well.
So I'm here now in Cincy, waiting for Colin to get home from work. I got here last night at about 8:30 PM, made passionate love to the boyfriend, and then had a decent dinner at PF Changs. Then more canoodling and bed. I slept like a fucking baby.
Poor Colin, he SO didn't want to go to work this morning. I got up and kissed him off to work and then slept till 11:00 AM. I cleaned a little...'cause that's what women are supposed to do, right? (There's no eye-rolling smiley so pretend you see one here.) Then I hit the gym for 45 minutes, read more of Band of Brothers, and now I'm wasting time on the internet! Woo hoo! Actually, I was looking up a recipe for Curry Chicken. I'm jonesin' for some Indian style cuisine!
Hmmm...an hour and a half till he gets home. Time enough for a shower and grocery shopping, but the food won't be done as he walks in the door. Oh well. You can't have everything!
Oh one last thing. I am so in love with my boyfriend! Very much in love. And it's such a wonderful feeling! For the first time in a long time I am peaceful and happy. Lately, I find myself feeling pleasantly suprised and thinking, "Wow. Is it really all working out?" And I think it is. And I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it!
Monday, July 25, 2005
But I won't love you!" Current mood: cheerful
My niece, Meg, is an amazing little creature.
When I went to visit my family last weekend, I was chatting with my brother about his new son or daughter that's currently growing in my sister-in-law's tummy. Cheryl (my sis in law) made the comment that it was mine or Rose's turn to have a baby next. Meg instantly wore a look of sadness on her face.
I asked, "What's wrong, baby?" She replied, "Well, I don't like 'dat idea." I laughed and said, "But if we have babies we'll still love you!" "Yeah...but I won't love you! I'll go in my room and cry and cry."
Yesterday I spoke with my brother on the phone and he was telling me of his weekend trip to the in-laws. Meg was there playing with some of her male cousins. They walked out in the road and she said, "You'd better get out of 'dat road! My daddy will make his frowny face and you don't want to see 'dat!"
While playing Barbies with Meg, Rose asked her, "Do you need a Ken doll, baby?" To which Meg replied, "What's a Ken doll baby?"
She makes me laugh every time I'm with her. Her view of the world is so innocent, so charming. She makes me remember that sometimes it's okay to play.
I want one just like her. One day.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Lazy Daze... Current mood: content
I've had a very lazy, slow-paced, but satisfying weekend thus far.
Yesterday Rose and I cleaned up our little home a bit and then lounged down by the pool for an hour or so. After that we got all sexy and went to play poker at our friend Jim's. Well, no one else had shown up for said poker match and it isn't nearly as exciting with only three people, so we just sat around, talking over beer and pretzels. Then Jim told us about a carnival just down the street from where he lives in Arbutus, and being the total kids that we are, we just HAD to go!
At the moment that we were about to head out the door, our friend Lilly arrived, already somewhat inebriated. This isn't good in general, but was particularly bad in this scenario since Lilly recently received a DWI charge. But hey...*shrug*...maybe prison will be good for her!
As I said, we went to the carnival. There were the typical carnival food booths with caramel covered apples, popcorn, cotton candy, funnel cakes, nachos, smoothies, etc. There were the game booths, flashing lights, cheap stuffed animals that probably cost $2.00 but would take $25.00 to win, grimey looking carnies, and a plethora of freaks and rednecks. It reminded me of carnivals back in WV.
We rode a few rides, including the Zipper (which looks somewhat like a Ferris Wheel with caged cars that flip over and over as the wheel turns), the Gravatron, and something I'll call the Whirly-gig (because I can't remember it's name), which spun us around and around and around.
The rides were exhilarating! I felt like a 12 year-old girl for a few moments and giggled with glee as the wind whipped my hair and the world, decorated with flashing lights and joy-seeking people, spun and twisted by. My feeling of delight was topped off with the added underlying terror that one of the rides might fall apart at any moment. On one level, carnival rides have always been more frightening to me that those found in theme parks, because they are not permanent fixtures and are disassembled and reassembled countless times. And it just takes a little imagination to ponder, "What if Carnie Joe-Jim-Bob forgot to tighten those vital bolts and screws?"
After the rides, we spent some time at the beer garden where one could purchase said amber necter for the reasonable price of only $2.00 per 14 oz. glass. To quote Adam Sandler, "Not too shabby."
After realizing that Lilly was pretty damn drunk and that there was a whole fridge full of alcoholic goodies and a half full bottle of wine waiting back at Jim's, we decided to head out. I had the honor of riding with Jim in his itty-bitty MG. The tippy-top of my head popped up above the windshield and if I stretched and strained, I could see over the windshield. It appears that MGs weren't made to accomodate 6'1" amazons.
We returned to the apartment and engaged in an hour and a half long game of poker, with blinds increasing every 5 minutes. For those of you that don't play, this is a quite fast game. Lilly was the first to go out (big suprise) and it seems that she made poor decisions with purpose so that she could make it to the bars before last call. Rose and I were taken out by Jim and that was that.
Today Rose and I chilled by the pool for a good long bit. I got some sun which is now turning a lovely tan color, my greek heritage glowing through.
This evening I think a movie is in order and some reading. Rose is going to to apply at a few local bookstores as she's needing a part-time job to get her finances under control. This is an EXCELLENT idea, in my opinion.
Who knows? Maybe I'll apply for something part-time too. A server job. A book store clerk. A stripper. The possibilities are endless!
Friday, July 22, 2005
What a world! What a world! Current mood: stressed
My sister melted today, much like the Wicked Witch of the West. I dumped water on her 'cause she smelled bad and that was that.
Well...okay. She had an emotional meltdown. And I'm dealing with it.
Holy Jesus if we don't get her financial mumbo jumbo figured out soon...bad things will happen!!!!
I hate stress. Especially when it's other people's rubbing off on me.
*said in a Robert Tildon type voice*: Oh dear Jesus-ah, I come before ya todaaaay-ah. And ask that my sister be saved-ah, from this den of evil-ah, Lord-ah. From the creditors and the houses of evil-ah that haunt her heart and soul, Jesus-ah. And oh Lord-ah, won't ya buy her-ah a Mercedes Benz-ah?
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
I am only me... Current mood: sad
Have you ever just wanted to kick yourself? I mean, really beat the hell out of yourself like Ed Norton's character did in Fight Club? Well that's how I feel right about now.
I just got off the phone with Colin. He asked me something. I gave him an honest estimation of my feelings in regards to the thing he asked me. I don't particularly like my answer to him or the way I feel. And I knew he wouldn't be too pleased with it either. But what else do I do? Lie? I'm done lying.
I wore a mask with Ben, hiding my true feelings and thoughts for years. YEARS. Feel the gravity of that word. Taste the weight of it on your tongue. YEARS. Not a day. Not two weeks. Not two months. Not six months. Not 12 months. YEARS. We were together five YEARS. And I was lying to myself for many of them. Do you know what that does to a soul? I can't even put it into words. The memory makes me nauseated. All of the hurt we did to each other.
Colin...I will not always be everything you want me to be. I will fail you and disappoint you. I am only me. Every day I try to be better than I was the day before. To build, to learn, to grow and to become a thing more beautiful and alive. But some days I don't succeed. Some days I'm somewhat destroyed and defeated by the things that fate throws my way. (Like today.) But I will forever continue to get up and walk forward. I will always try.
I am only me. But everything I am I give you freely.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Mmmmwwwwhahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Current mood: evil
Yesterday I woke up feeling...not quite right. Something was unsettled. Wrong. Icky!!! And as I showered, and drove to work, and worked, this feeling did not disappear. No, no. Rather, it grew worse and I found myself very much angry by lunch time.
Angry, angry, angry, and with no good reason. Just a feeling. Just a mood. Of complete and utter doom.
At one point I thought about Colin's gun, under my bed and nearly ready to go boom. And then I thought about my sister. And everything made sense. *insert maniacal laughter here*
Rose has been driving me bonkers with all of this financial "my life is a sess-pool of pain" bullshit! (My non-psychologist boyfriend helped me figure this out. Where does the counselor go for counseling?) So yesterday evening I made a plan. For her. Because all she was doing was coming home, stressing me out, and then crawling into bed.
And so the plan is this: BUY A HOUSE AND CONSOLIDATE DEBT, BITACH!
I think it's a good plan.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
I miss you, cupcake!
*Le sigh*
I put Colin on a flight back to Ohio tonight after spending two days with him helping him pack and move his stuff into storage. I cried on the drive home.
So we've got another month and a half of him in Ohio. Then two weeks in Richmond and then he'll finally come home. We just gotta hang in there.
I miss him so much! Send me all your happy thoughts people! I need them.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Happiness
I remember long conversations with my friends regarding what we wanted in life. Our goals. Our dreams. Ultimately we said that we each wanted "happiness". But, of course, that meant different things to each of us. Ultimately these conversations would spark philisophical and, sometimes, religious debates. And actually, it still does.
My definition of what brings me contentment and peace has changed over the years with the pain and joy that brings self-understanding, wisdom, and knowing. And I know now that happiness is not something I can achieve and keep within my grasp permanently. It's not like a sports car, a house with a picket fence, or a PhD in Psychology. It is not concrete. It is a concept. An idea. A feeling. A moment. It will come and go. It will burn and fade. It will blossom and die. And so I've learned that when I find myself experiencing such a moment, such a feeling, I must appreciate it, savor it, with my eyes wide open. Joying in it and mourning it as it passes.
Last night, my boyfriend came home. From the moment that I picked him up at the airport I felt at peace...content...happy. Last night I slept beside him. Right now I'm watching him dream in my bed. And I feel so alive. So in love. And I am loving this moment.
I know that this is what I want. Always. But I know that I won't have this for always. We'll part one day, either by choice or by time and death. And so I'm wrapping it up in a little golden package to keep in my head and heart. For always. Well...at least until I burn...until I fade and am no more.
"i don't get many things right the first time
in fact, i am told that a lot
now i know all the wrong times,
the stumbles and falls
brought me here
and where was i before the day
that i first saw your lovely face?
now i see it everyday, and i know...
that i am
that i am
i am the luckiest"
~ The Luckiest by Ben Folds
I remember long conversations with my friends regarding what we wanted in life. Our goals. Our dreams. Ultimately we said that we each wanted "happiness". But, of course, that meant different things to each of us. Ultimately these conversations would spark philisophical and, sometimes, religious debates. And actually, it still does.
My definition of what brings me contentment and peace has changed over the years with the pain and joy that brings self-understanding, wisdom, and knowing. And I know now that happiness is not something I can achieve and keep within my grasp permanently. It's not like a sports car, a house with a picket fence, or a PhD in Psychology. It is not concrete. It is a concept. An idea. A feeling. A moment. It will come and go. It will burn and fade. It will blossom and die. And so I've learned that when I find myself experiencing such a moment, such a feeling, I must appreciate it, savor it, with my eyes wide open. Joying in it and mourning it as it passes.
Last night, my boyfriend came home. From the moment that I picked him up at the airport I felt at peace...content...happy. Last night I slept beside him. Right now I'm watching him dream in my bed. And I feel so alive. So in love. And I am loving this moment.
I know that this is what I want. Always. But I know that I won't have this for always. We'll part one day, either by choice or by time and death. And so I'm wrapping it up in a little golden package to keep in my head and heart. For always. Well...at least until I burn...until I fade and am no more.
"i don't get many things right the first time
in fact, i am told that a lot
now i know all the wrong times,
the stumbles and falls
brought me here
and where was i before the day
that i first saw your lovely face?
now i see it everyday, and i know...
that i am
that i am
i am the luckiest"
~ The Luckiest by Ben Folds
Sunday, July 10, 2005
My trip to Cincinnati: Volume II
Git th' corn mash ready, paw!
We slept in a bit the next morning as we were both tired from the previous days work and such. But once we finally got our asses out of bed and clean, we headed out to tour the Woodford Reserve Distillery located in Versailles, KY.
It was about an hour and a half drive, but we didn't mind because it was a glorious day for a drive! The sun was beaming down, the sky was gleaming blue and dotted with little white puffs of clouds, and everything was greener than green! We traveled the entire way with the windows down and Colin's techno music (that I'm actually learning to enjoy) thump, thump, thumping.
We arrived at the distillery, nestled in the rolling hills of Kentucky, just in time for the last tour. The first building we were shown was where the ingredients (corn, grains, and stuffs) are mixed together and cooked at 215 degrees for 8 hours. Upon walking in the door, we were overcome with the odor of the cooking. It sort of smelled like corn meal muffins baking. And warm liquor.
We got to peer down into the gigantic cooker thingie, which spanned floor to ceiling in this two-story barn-like structure. We then were led across the room to these two big wooden containers where the mash is transfered after it cooks. They too spanned floor to ceiling and were probably about 10 feet in diameter. Inside these huge, open, wooden containers we found a bubbling, deep yellowish porridgey substance. This was the mash. Here they add a special type of yeast which processes the sugars and produces alcohol. Hence all the bubbling. It was so freaking cool!
We left that building and went on to the distilling building, which held three huge copper pots that, again, spanned from floor to ceiling. It is through these that the alcohol is removed from the mash. The tour guide let us smell some of the alcohol that is produced from this and it smelled just like vodka. It's basically moonshine at this point. Anyway, then the moonshine like stuff is placed in toasted and charred white ash barrels where it's stored for 7 years (I think). We went to the storage building that held barrel after barrel in nearly every available space and then on to the bottling area.
Although bourbon has never been my liquor of choice, it was very cool to see how it was made. I had a greater appreciation for the thimble-full of Woodford that we were allowed to taste at the conclusion of our tour with the knowledge of the TLC that goes into making it. I not only learned how it was made but also that the burning sensation you get when you drink it is part of the whole experience. And no one had ever explained that I should drink it slowly. It might've helped to know that. Thank you, Colin!
Porsche Boy with the Sick house
After Colin and I indulged in a few purchases from the gift shop (including chocolates, shot glass, high ball glass, sexy visor, and flask) we went on our merry way and met up with Colin's friend Coleman. Coleman works at the Porsche dealership in Lexington, KY and has promised to one day let us test drive one of those hot little vehicles in his charge. Woot!
We grabbed some lunch/dinner at Chipotle and followed Coleman back to his "sick" house. The house was "sick", as Coleman liked to describe it, because it was fucking huge and only houses himself and his fiance. So a "sick" house in the Lexington area costs about half a million and consists of the following: a two car garage with charming carriage house garage doors, three huge bedrooms, a lovely dining room, a great room with fabulous leather couches and ottoman, a remote control fireplace, a wrought iron staircase, a kitchen with smart appliances and what appeared to be granite kitchen counters, a master bathroom with a two person standing shower and a whirlpool tub, and a gigantic walk-in closet, and an upstairs sitting room. I could only saw "wow" over and over again. And then Colin and I started planning our future and estimating when we would be able to afford a house as "sick" as this.
Coleman changed clothes and then we followed him out a terribly exciting little country road, with all sorts of turns and twists, perfect for driving too fast on with a car that handles well. After a bit we arrived at a fireworks wholesaler where Coleman was picking up an order of fireworks for his girlie's family. We helped him load his trunk and fill the entire rear passenger area of his Ford Taurus with gunpowder packed items and wished him a safe and spark free journey. For our assistance we were rewarded with some awesome "boom, boom sparkly up in the sky" fireworks and some bottle rockets! Hurray for Coleman!
We said our goodbyes to Coleman, sped back out the twisty, turny country roadie, and made a stop at Liquor Barn to purchase some wine. (For old times sake, boys! God bless Richmond Road and the Liquor Barn!)
That evening we returned to the mansion hotel feeling content with the pleasant day wrapping itself up in the twilight. There had been much laughing, learning, smiling, loving, dreaming, and planning. Many of the things Colin said to me that day left warm fuzzies in my heart that still jump up and dance as I'm thinking about him now. I know the warm fuzzies don't last forever, but I'm enjoying them now, a week prior. Enjoying them with a smile on my face and thanking God for the chance to be.
When The Levee Breaks...
The next day Colin took me to browse some shops the Hyde Park area of Newport, which was a slow paced, elegant little section of the city complete with upscale dining, wine and gourmet food shops, "my husband is a doctor" jewelry stores, and a unique and beautiful architecture. After buying some champagne and sampling tea biscuits and cheese, we headed on to Newport on the Levee, an entertainment center with shops, restaurants, and a movie theater. This is where Colin's restaurant, Brio Tuscan Grille , is located. Just across the Ohio River stands the semi-skyscraping buildings of Cincinnati. At night it's quite a lovely view, with all the buildings light up and sparkling against the night sky. Colin has a perfect view of it from his 5th floor hotel window. Lucky boy!
At the Levee, we got some lunch at Claddagh Irish Pub and then watched War of the Worlds. The movie was enjoyable, a sci-fi special effects extravaganza as I expected it to be. From there we went back to the hotel to drink delicious champagne and some pretty tasty wine (but not as good as the Argyle, love) by the pool. And to swim, of course. I recall some jokes about living it up at the country club, Colin refering to me as Buffy, and talking in a god-awful, snobby, Mr. Howell-from-Gilligan's-Island-voice. And there was some hugging and holding and more warm-fuzzy inducing conversation.
Isn't it romantic?
After a while we went back inside to get ready for dinner. Colin had decided to take me to a restaurant called Nicholson's. He donned a smart blue dress shirt, a tie, and some dark grey dress slacks and I chose a very low cut, kingy black dress (which showed off my ample cleavage) paired with black fish nets, and some strappy black satin shoes. We were head-turning smoking hot!
We arrived at Nicholson's, a very cozy and elegant pub decorated in warm colors, with a huge mahogany bar with brass detailings and trimmings. It was lovely. There Colin treated me to one of the most delightful and delicious dinners I've ever eaten in my life. I ordered a beer sampler to go with my perfectly prepared dinner of filet mignon and he bought himself a $65 glass of 21 year old scotch to go with his. (Eeeek!) Desert and desert drinks happened and we wound up with a $195.00 check! My eyes bulged out of my head and I offered my boyfriend money, which he refused. (I can spend that much on groceries for a whole month and still have food left over when the next month rolls around!) Aside from the nice ambiance and the yummy food, we had pleasant conversation with hand holding and romantic gazing into each other's eyes. Again, thank you, love! You continuously amaze me!
Happy Independence Day! or Let's play with explosives!
As we were crossing one of the bridges which spans the Ohio River between Newport and Cincinnati, we caught the last beautiful bursts of sparkles from the fireworks and witnessed the short, but lovely grande finale of the Newport/Cincinnati fireworks display. We were thus inspired to set fire to our own gunpowder packed, sparkling, explosive devices. So we returned to the hotel, changed into more comfortable clothing, and walked down to the little park by the mansion hotel. There we took turns setting off the fireworks that Coleman had given us, and giggled with delight as each one took to the sky and lit up our night for one brief moment! Then we set off bottle rockets till we got bored. (Which didn't take long with Colin's ADD and my state of slight tipsyness.)
Anyway, this was the first time I'd ever had any "big" fireworks of that nature and it simply fucking rocked! Next year, we're getting the super big ones! Oh and we still have some left! Woot! Hopefully Dinga (? not sure of the spelling) will let us on the roof of the Belvedere so that we can show Baltimore how pretty fireworks can be!
Monday, monday
The next day was Monday and poor Colin had to be at work at 5am to do inventory and work on his projects. I got up and waited while he showered and got ready and then wished him a good day and kissed him off to work. With some guilt, I crawled back in bed to sleep a few hours. I woke at about 9:30 or 10am and started gathering and sorting through my beloved's laundry so that I could go to the laundromat. Once whites and colors were separated, I made use of the hotel gym, then got directions to Kmart (so I could get our photos developed) and to a local coin laundry from mapquest. Then I gathered up the clothes and set out to explore the little town and run my errands. After much driving around due to crappy directions, I found a Walgreens at which to develop the film and then proceeded on to the laundromat. I spent my morning washing and drying and folding the boyfriend's clothing and reading Band of Brothers.
After every little sock, undergarment, and dress shirt was clean, I returned to the hotel, put the clothing away, got into my swim suit, and prepared to head down to the pool. I made it out into the hallway and the elevator opened with Colin inside. I returned to the room with him, he tackled me on the bed, and threatened to kidnap me and keep me with him, reciting the kidnap note that he would send to the Cherry Hill methadone clinic to let them know that I'm no longer returning to work.
After sharing a few playful and passionate moments with me, he donned his swim trunks and we went to bask in the sun together. After some sunning, reading, and swimming, we went back inside and prepared to go to dinner. I hurried in my grooming, we picked up our pictures, and then returned to the hotel. My poor love wasn't feeling well and he needed to lie down for a bit. So we cuddled up together in bed, watched a few episodes of Invader Zim (which Colin introduced me to this weekend and I adore! I love GIR!!!), and feel asleep side by side. I awoke at about 8:30pm and once I realized that he needed to rest, I let him sleep the rest of the evening. I finally roused him to find out what he wanted for dinner as I was starving due to not having eaten all day. We ate Arby's and then watched Windtalkers while cuddling on the couch. And then it was bedtime. I crawled in beside him for the last time that trip and savored every moment of lying next to him.
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn...
I didn't sleep well at all. Mainly because I was troubled by the fact that I had to leave my love when the alarm clock buzzed it's hateful little buzz. And at 4am it buzzed. And I woke in the blue darkness of the morning with a heavy heart. Colin mumbled that it was time for me to get up and so I did. I showered, finished packing my things, and woke my lover to kiss him goodbye. Then I sulked down to the car and drove back toward Columbus.
About halfway there I remembered that I would be driving through the city during rush hour traffic, but then calmed when I remembered that it wasn't Baltimore. I made it to Shawn and Chris' apartment complex, parked the car, called a taxi and waited with a twisting sick feeling in my stomach. I felt that way partly for the fear that I would miss my flight and partly due to wanting to turn around and drive back to Cincinnati! The taxi arrived and took me the few miles to the airport. I checked-in, checked my bag, and sauntered through security in about 20 minutes total. I had about an hour before my flight, so I grabbed some hot chai and settled down to read a bit. There were people all around me, but I felt so lonely. Is that how you know? Is that how you know you're in love? You hate to be without that person and you count the days till you can see them again? "But I'll see him in a week or so", I thought, "And that's not so bad."
Leavin' on a jet plane...
I boarded my flight, got comfortable in a window seat, and fell asleep shortly after we reached 10,000 feet. I drifted in and out of consciousness for about half an hour and then we landed. I found my bag, Rose picked me up, and then I went on to work. I worked the day in a distracted and tired state, giving clients my undivided attention during sessions, and reminiscing over the weekend periodically while completing progress notes and other paper work the rest of the day.
It was a beautiful weekend, filled with many gold dust moments that still fill me with the warm, gentle glow of being in love. I treasure this feeling. I hope it will last forever. I understand that it won't. But I know it will return from time to time throughout the years. That I'll look into those beautiful blue-green eyes and be just as in love with him as I am right now.
"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go'
Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go"
~ Leavin' on a jet plane by John Denver
Git th' corn mash ready, paw!
We slept in a bit the next morning as we were both tired from the previous days work and such. But once we finally got our asses out of bed and clean, we headed out to tour the Woodford Reserve Distillery located in Versailles, KY.
It was about an hour and a half drive, but we didn't mind because it was a glorious day for a drive! The sun was beaming down, the sky was gleaming blue and dotted with little white puffs of clouds, and everything was greener than green! We traveled the entire way with the windows down and Colin's techno music (that I'm actually learning to enjoy) thump, thump, thumping.
We arrived at the distillery, nestled in the rolling hills of Kentucky, just in time for the last tour. The first building we were shown was where the ingredients (corn, grains, and stuffs) are mixed together and cooked at 215 degrees for 8 hours. Upon walking in the door, we were overcome with the odor of the cooking. It sort of smelled like corn meal muffins baking. And warm liquor.
We got to peer down into the gigantic cooker thingie, which spanned floor to ceiling in this two-story barn-like structure. We then were led across the room to these two big wooden containers where the mash is transfered after it cooks. They too spanned floor to ceiling and were probably about 10 feet in diameter. Inside these huge, open, wooden containers we found a bubbling, deep yellowish porridgey substance. This was the mash. Here they add a special type of yeast which processes the sugars and produces alcohol. Hence all the bubbling. It was so freaking cool!
We left that building and went on to the distilling building, which held three huge copper pots that, again, spanned from floor to ceiling. It is through these that the alcohol is removed from the mash. The tour guide let us smell some of the alcohol that is produced from this and it smelled just like vodka. It's basically moonshine at this point. Anyway, then the moonshine like stuff is placed in toasted and charred white ash barrels where it's stored for 7 years (I think). We went to the storage building that held barrel after barrel in nearly every available space and then on to the bottling area.
Although bourbon has never been my liquor of choice, it was very cool to see how it was made. I had a greater appreciation for the thimble-full of Woodford that we were allowed to taste at the conclusion of our tour with the knowledge of the TLC that goes into making it. I not only learned how it was made but also that the burning sensation you get when you drink it is part of the whole experience. And no one had ever explained that I should drink it slowly. It might've helped to know that. Thank you, Colin!
Porsche Boy with the Sick house
After Colin and I indulged in a few purchases from the gift shop (including chocolates, shot glass, high ball glass, sexy visor, and flask) we went on our merry way and met up with Colin's friend Coleman. Coleman works at the Porsche dealership in Lexington, KY and has promised to one day let us test drive one of those hot little vehicles in his charge. Woot!
We grabbed some lunch/dinner at Chipotle and followed Coleman back to his "sick" house. The house was "sick", as Coleman liked to describe it, because it was fucking huge and only houses himself and his fiance. So a "sick" house in the Lexington area costs about half a million and consists of the following: a two car garage with charming carriage house garage doors, three huge bedrooms, a lovely dining room, a great room with fabulous leather couches and ottoman, a remote control fireplace, a wrought iron staircase, a kitchen with smart appliances and what appeared to be granite kitchen counters, a master bathroom with a two person standing shower and a whirlpool tub, and a gigantic walk-in closet, and an upstairs sitting room. I could only saw "wow" over and over again. And then Colin and I started planning our future and estimating when we would be able to afford a house as "sick" as this.
Coleman changed clothes and then we followed him out a terribly exciting little country road, with all sorts of turns and twists, perfect for driving too fast on with a car that handles well. After a bit we arrived at a fireworks wholesaler where Coleman was picking up an order of fireworks for his girlie's family. We helped him load his trunk and fill the entire rear passenger area of his Ford Taurus with gunpowder packed items and wished him a safe and spark free journey. For our assistance we were rewarded with some awesome "boom, boom sparkly up in the sky" fireworks and some bottle rockets! Hurray for Coleman!
We said our goodbyes to Coleman, sped back out the twisty, turny country roadie, and made a stop at Liquor Barn to purchase some wine. (For old times sake, boys! God bless Richmond Road and the Liquor Barn!)
That evening we returned to the mansion hotel feeling content with the pleasant day wrapping itself up in the twilight. There had been much laughing, learning, smiling, loving, dreaming, and planning. Many of the things Colin said to me that day left warm fuzzies in my heart that still jump up and dance as I'm thinking about him now. I know the warm fuzzies don't last forever, but I'm enjoying them now, a week prior. Enjoying them with a smile on my face and thanking God for the chance to be.
When The Levee Breaks...
The next day Colin took me to browse some shops the Hyde Park area of Newport, which was a slow paced, elegant little section of the city complete with upscale dining, wine and gourmet food shops, "my husband is a doctor" jewelry stores, and a unique and beautiful architecture. After buying some champagne and sampling tea biscuits and cheese, we headed on to Newport on the Levee, an entertainment center with shops, restaurants, and a movie theater. This is where Colin's restaurant, Brio Tuscan Grille , is located. Just across the Ohio River stands the semi-skyscraping buildings of Cincinnati. At night it's quite a lovely view, with all the buildings light up and sparkling against the night sky. Colin has a perfect view of it from his 5th floor hotel window. Lucky boy!
At the Levee, we got some lunch at Claddagh Irish Pub and then watched War of the Worlds. The movie was enjoyable, a sci-fi special effects extravaganza as I expected it to be. From there we went back to the hotel to drink delicious champagne and some pretty tasty wine (but not as good as the Argyle, love) by the pool. And to swim, of course. I recall some jokes about living it up at the country club, Colin refering to me as Buffy, and talking in a god-awful, snobby, Mr. Howell-from-Gilligan's-Island-voice. And there was some hugging and holding and more warm-fuzzy inducing conversation.
Isn't it romantic?
After a while we went back inside to get ready for dinner. Colin had decided to take me to a restaurant called Nicholson's. He donned a smart blue dress shirt, a tie, and some dark grey dress slacks and I chose a very low cut, kingy black dress (which showed off my ample cleavage) paired with black fish nets, and some strappy black satin shoes. We were head-turning smoking hot!
We arrived at Nicholson's, a very cozy and elegant pub decorated in warm colors, with a huge mahogany bar with brass detailings and trimmings. It was lovely. There Colin treated me to one of the most delightful and delicious dinners I've ever eaten in my life. I ordered a beer sampler to go with my perfectly prepared dinner of filet mignon and he bought himself a $65 glass of 21 year old scotch to go with his. (Eeeek!) Desert and desert drinks happened and we wound up with a $195.00 check! My eyes bulged out of my head and I offered my boyfriend money, which he refused. (I can spend that much on groceries for a whole month and still have food left over when the next month rolls around!) Aside from the nice ambiance and the yummy food, we had pleasant conversation with hand holding and romantic gazing into each other's eyes. Again, thank you, love! You continuously amaze me!
Happy Independence Day! or Let's play with explosives!
As we were crossing one of the bridges which spans the Ohio River between Newport and Cincinnati, we caught the last beautiful bursts of sparkles from the fireworks and witnessed the short, but lovely grande finale of the Newport/Cincinnati fireworks display. We were thus inspired to set fire to our own gunpowder packed, sparkling, explosive devices. So we returned to the hotel, changed into more comfortable clothing, and walked down to the little park by the mansion hotel. There we took turns setting off the fireworks that Coleman had given us, and giggled with delight as each one took to the sky and lit up our night for one brief moment! Then we set off bottle rockets till we got bored. (Which didn't take long with Colin's ADD and my state of slight tipsyness.)
Anyway, this was the first time I'd ever had any "big" fireworks of that nature and it simply fucking rocked! Next year, we're getting the super big ones! Oh and we still have some left! Woot! Hopefully Dinga (? not sure of the spelling) will let us on the roof of the Belvedere so that we can show Baltimore how pretty fireworks can be!
Monday, monday
The next day was Monday and poor Colin had to be at work at 5am to do inventory and work on his projects. I got up and waited while he showered and got ready and then wished him a good day and kissed him off to work. With some guilt, I crawled back in bed to sleep a few hours. I woke at about 9:30 or 10am and started gathering and sorting through my beloved's laundry so that I could go to the laundromat. Once whites and colors were separated, I made use of the hotel gym, then got directions to Kmart (so I could get our photos developed) and to a local coin laundry from mapquest. Then I gathered up the clothes and set out to explore the little town and run my errands. After much driving around due to crappy directions, I found a Walgreens at which to develop the film and then proceeded on to the laundromat. I spent my morning washing and drying and folding the boyfriend's clothing and reading Band of Brothers.
After every little sock, undergarment, and dress shirt was clean, I returned to the hotel, put the clothing away, got into my swim suit, and prepared to head down to the pool. I made it out into the hallway and the elevator opened with Colin inside. I returned to the room with him, he tackled me on the bed, and threatened to kidnap me and keep me with him, reciting the kidnap note that he would send to the Cherry Hill methadone clinic to let them know that I'm no longer returning to work.
After sharing a few playful and passionate moments with me, he donned his swim trunks and we went to bask in the sun together. After some sunning, reading, and swimming, we went back inside and prepared to go to dinner. I hurried in my grooming, we picked up our pictures, and then returned to the hotel. My poor love wasn't feeling well and he needed to lie down for a bit. So we cuddled up together in bed, watched a few episodes of Invader Zim (which Colin introduced me to this weekend and I adore! I love GIR!!!), and feel asleep side by side. I awoke at about 8:30pm and once I realized that he needed to rest, I let him sleep the rest of the evening. I finally roused him to find out what he wanted for dinner as I was starving due to not having eaten all day. We ate Arby's and then watched Windtalkers while cuddling on the couch. And then it was bedtime. I crawled in beside him for the last time that trip and savored every moment of lying next to him.
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn...
I didn't sleep well at all. Mainly because I was troubled by the fact that I had to leave my love when the alarm clock buzzed it's hateful little buzz. And at 4am it buzzed. And I woke in the blue darkness of the morning with a heavy heart. Colin mumbled that it was time for me to get up and so I did. I showered, finished packing my things, and woke my lover to kiss him goodbye. Then I sulked down to the car and drove back toward Columbus.
About halfway there I remembered that I would be driving through the city during rush hour traffic, but then calmed when I remembered that it wasn't Baltimore. I made it to Shawn and Chris' apartment complex, parked the car, called a taxi and waited with a twisting sick feeling in my stomach. I felt that way partly for the fear that I would miss my flight and partly due to wanting to turn around and drive back to Cincinnati! The taxi arrived and took me the few miles to the airport. I checked-in, checked my bag, and sauntered through security in about 20 minutes total. I had about an hour before my flight, so I grabbed some hot chai and settled down to read a bit. There were people all around me, but I felt so lonely. Is that how you know? Is that how you know you're in love? You hate to be without that person and you count the days till you can see them again? "But I'll see him in a week or so", I thought, "And that's not so bad."
Leavin' on a jet plane...
I boarded my flight, got comfortable in a window seat, and fell asleep shortly after we reached 10,000 feet. I drifted in and out of consciousness for about half an hour and then we landed. I found my bag, Rose picked me up, and then I went on to work. I worked the day in a distracted and tired state, giving clients my undivided attention during sessions, and reminiscing over the weekend periodically while completing progress notes and other paper work the rest of the day.
It was a beautiful weekend, filled with many gold dust moments that still fill me with the warm, gentle glow of being in love. I treasure this feeling. I hope it will last forever. I understand that it won't. But I know it will return from time to time throughout the years. That I'll look into those beautiful blue-green eyes and be just as in love with him as I am right now.
"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go'
Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go"
~ Leavin' on a jet plane by John Denver
Thursday, July 07, 2005
My trip to Cincinnatti: Volume I
Lost Girls in the Hood
This past Friday, July 1st 2005, at about 3:15 PM I was pacing back and forth on the deserted sidewalk outside of the Cherry Hill addictions clinic in a reserved state of panic.
My flight to Columbus, Ohio was scheduled to leave at 4:35 PM. I needed to be there by 3:30 PM to ensure that I could check in and make it through security and to my gate. Rose was on her way to pick me up and take me to BWI, but she had gotten slightly lost because the Maryland Department of Highways finally decided to do some much needed road work in Baltimore City and had blocked the only route she knew to my place of employment.
Strangely enough, I had gotten lost two days prior (while attempting to find a Post Office at which to mail a gift for my beau) on the very roads she was traveling. Even though the endeavor consumed my lunch break and left me frustrated and sweaty (no air conditioning in the car), I found the post office, mailed the sex dice, and made my way back to work. So with my heart pounding and a sick little twistie in my stomach, I managed to talk her safely through the ghetto and to me via cell phone. I nearly peed myself in delight when I saw her little black Mercedes turn round the curve. I hopped in and we sped, at the whiplash inducing speed of 55 mph, on to Baltimore-Washington International airport.
Things like this just make me wonder. If I had never gotten lost and had to find my way back to the clinic, would I have been able to help her find me? Would I have made my plane? Hmmmmm... Maybe even the most insignificant things make a difference in the end.
Big ol' Jet Airliner...
As Rose dropped me off at the door and I walked inside to check-in, my heart went all fluttery again. The line for check-in was about 50 people long and I had approximately 45 minutes until my flight left. "Stay calm, Christina. Don't panic. No! Don't even think it! You DO NOT think about beating those people up in front of you. You WILL NOT get to the front of the line quicker that way."
The airport personnel herded us through the line more quickly than I expected, and soon I was standing in line for security. The joys of removing all of my jewelry, my flip flops, placing all of my goodies in a basket, and walking barefoot on the dirty airport floor were mine. And then I was on my way to find my gate with 20 minutes to spare. God bless a well-oiled and efficient machine!
My flight was about 15 minutes late, but we eventually boarded. And then I flew. During the flight I read some of Band of Brothers, but lost concentration due to some woman telling her recent divorce sob story to some poor sap sitting behind me. And due to the fucker who was afraid of flying sitting across the aisle from me. When will I learn never to tell people in planes or in bars that I'm a counselor? When?
Mis Amigos and Dances with the NRA
I arrived in Columbus at about 6:15 PM and caught up with Shawn and Chris at about 6:30 PM. It was nothing but love from the moment they greeted me. Love wrapped in hate and mocking comments. Ah, friends. They're the ones who, when you're pooping blood, they'll laugh at you and make you think you have cancer.
Anyway, we went to dinner at a little mexican restaurant and then stopped at My Bear and Trader Joe's for food they could take on their hiking trip in the Badlands. While waiting for Shawn to finish up at Trader Joe's, Chris and I were sitting in the Jeep when he hopped up and sat on the roll bar and started looking around. I joined him and said, "What'cha looking at?" He answered, "Just looking." So we looked together. It was a beautiful evening, the sky a fantastic shade of brilliant blue. And I commented on how very clean and creepily planned the whole Easton area is. So unlike Baltimore's dirty randomness.
We headed back to their place for a while and they finished packing their packs. Shawn's weighed about 50 lbs. and I walked around with it on for a bit, sticking my ass out and acting generally silly. Shawn asked me, "Does Colin make it a habit to date retards?" and "Where's your helmet?". I played with their kitty for a bit and we watched a bit of Dances with Wolves.
I've never actually seen the whole movie, only catching snippets here and there, so I kept pestering them about the plot and the characters the way Rose does me. "Who is he? Why did he say that? Did she really? What does "tatanka" mean?" This is truly the most annoying thing in the universe. Chris kept looking from his hatchet and back to me and to his hatchet and back to me. I wonder what he was thinking about.
One thing that struck me about the movie was the battle that the "good Indians" won against the "bad Indians" using the rifles that Kevin Costner's character provided them. There was an awful lot of rifle firing going on, which made me wonder: Did the NRA commission this film? Again, hhmmmmm...
Shawn and Chris finally got all packed, so we left. The boys hopped in the Jeep and sped off toward Champagne, IL to pick up Ken. I hotwired Shawn's car and drove to Cincinnati. Well...no, not really. Shawn, wonderful doppleganger that he is, allowed me to borrow his car so that I could drive onward to Cincinnati.
This body holding me...
I arrived at about 11:30 PM. Colin was closing the restaurant so I swung by to hug and kiss my wonderful boyfriend and to get his room key. I met a few people that he works with and then wirggled my way through the streets of Newport to the mansion hotel. I then nervously primped and prettied myself, donning a sexy black one-piece lingere item (complete with garter belt and lacy thigh highs), lit some candles, and waited in the softly flickering darkness for my love to come home.
I had forgotten, however, that he had given me his keys and that I would have to go downstairs to let him in the door. Luckily, I had a pink satin robe that provided adequate coverage, so I was able to go downstairs and let him in without giving the hotel patrons and staff heart attacks or aneurisms.
We returned upstairs, he showered, and then we fell into each other's arms. And god it felt so good just to hold him. To feel his arms wrapped around me and to hear his softly spoken verbal caresses. We looked into each other's eyes, and kissed, and touched. I felt in that moment just how much I had missed him. And I realized that I really never want to be without him. And then we made love. Desire and love mingled together and it was beautiful. And we were beautiful. And we fell asleep holding each other.
"We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are Choosing to be here right now.
Hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience.
Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me.
Be my reminder here that I am not alone
In this body, this body holding me,
Feeling eternal, all this pain is an illusion."
~ "Parabola" by Tool from Lateralus
To be continued....
Lost Girls in the Hood
This past Friday, July 1st 2005, at about 3:15 PM I was pacing back and forth on the deserted sidewalk outside of the Cherry Hill addictions clinic in a reserved state of panic.
My flight to Columbus, Ohio was scheduled to leave at 4:35 PM. I needed to be there by 3:30 PM to ensure that I could check in and make it through security and to my gate. Rose was on her way to pick me up and take me to BWI, but she had gotten slightly lost because the Maryland Department of Highways finally decided to do some much needed road work in Baltimore City and had blocked the only route she knew to my place of employment.
Strangely enough, I had gotten lost two days prior (while attempting to find a Post Office at which to mail a gift for my beau) on the very roads she was traveling. Even though the endeavor consumed my lunch break and left me frustrated and sweaty (no air conditioning in the car), I found the post office, mailed the sex dice, and made my way back to work. So with my heart pounding and a sick little twistie in my stomach, I managed to talk her safely through the ghetto and to me via cell phone. I nearly peed myself in delight when I saw her little black Mercedes turn round the curve. I hopped in and we sped, at the whiplash inducing speed of 55 mph, on to Baltimore-Washington International airport.
Things like this just make me wonder. If I had never gotten lost and had to find my way back to the clinic, would I have been able to help her find me? Would I have made my plane? Hmmmmm... Maybe even the most insignificant things make a difference in the end.
Big ol' Jet Airliner...
As Rose dropped me off at the door and I walked inside to check-in, my heart went all fluttery again. The line for check-in was about 50 people long and I had approximately 45 minutes until my flight left. "Stay calm, Christina. Don't panic. No! Don't even think it! You DO NOT think about beating those people up in front of you. You WILL NOT get to the front of the line quicker that way."
The airport personnel herded us through the line more quickly than I expected, and soon I was standing in line for security. The joys of removing all of my jewelry, my flip flops, placing all of my goodies in a basket, and walking barefoot on the dirty airport floor were mine. And then I was on my way to find my gate with 20 minutes to spare. God bless a well-oiled and efficient machine!
My flight was about 15 minutes late, but we eventually boarded. And then I flew. During the flight I read some of Band of Brothers, but lost concentration due to some woman telling her recent divorce sob story to some poor sap sitting behind me. And due to the fucker who was afraid of flying sitting across the aisle from me. When will I learn never to tell people in planes or in bars that I'm a counselor? When?
Mis Amigos and Dances with the NRA
I arrived in Columbus at about 6:15 PM and caught up with Shawn and Chris at about 6:30 PM. It was nothing but love from the moment they greeted me. Love wrapped in hate and mocking comments. Ah, friends. They're the ones who, when you're pooping blood, they'll laugh at you and make you think you have cancer.
Anyway, we went to dinner at a little mexican restaurant and then stopped at My Bear and Trader Joe's for food they could take on their hiking trip in the Badlands. While waiting for Shawn to finish up at Trader Joe's, Chris and I were sitting in the Jeep when he hopped up and sat on the roll bar and started looking around. I joined him and said, "What'cha looking at?" He answered, "Just looking." So we looked together. It was a beautiful evening, the sky a fantastic shade of brilliant blue. And I commented on how very clean and creepily planned the whole Easton area is. So unlike Baltimore's dirty randomness.
We headed back to their place for a while and they finished packing their packs. Shawn's weighed about 50 lbs. and I walked around with it on for a bit, sticking my ass out and acting generally silly. Shawn asked me, "Does Colin make it a habit to date retards?" and "Where's your helmet?". I played with their kitty for a bit and we watched a bit of Dances with Wolves.
I've never actually seen the whole movie, only catching snippets here and there, so I kept pestering them about the plot and the characters the way Rose does me. "Who is he? Why did he say that? Did she really? What does "tatanka" mean?" This is truly the most annoying thing in the universe. Chris kept looking from his hatchet and back to me and to his hatchet and back to me. I wonder what he was thinking about.
One thing that struck me about the movie was the battle that the "good Indians" won against the "bad Indians" using the rifles that Kevin Costner's character provided them. There was an awful lot of rifle firing going on, which made me wonder: Did the NRA commission this film? Again, hhmmmmm...
Shawn and Chris finally got all packed, so we left. The boys hopped in the Jeep and sped off toward Champagne, IL to pick up Ken. I hotwired Shawn's car and drove to Cincinnati. Well...no, not really. Shawn, wonderful doppleganger that he is, allowed me to borrow his car so that I could drive onward to Cincinnati.
This body holding me...
I arrived at about 11:30 PM. Colin was closing the restaurant so I swung by to hug and kiss my wonderful boyfriend and to get his room key. I met a few people that he works with and then wirggled my way through the streets of Newport to the mansion hotel. I then nervously primped and prettied myself, donning a sexy black one-piece lingere item (complete with garter belt and lacy thigh highs), lit some candles, and waited in the softly flickering darkness for my love to come home.
I had forgotten, however, that he had given me his keys and that I would have to go downstairs to let him in the door. Luckily, I had a pink satin robe that provided adequate coverage, so I was able to go downstairs and let him in without giving the hotel patrons and staff heart attacks or aneurisms.
We returned upstairs, he showered, and then we fell into each other's arms. And god it felt so good just to hold him. To feel his arms wrapped around me and to hear his softly spoken verbal caresses. We looked into each other's eyes, and kissed, and touched. I felt in that moment just how much I had missed him. And I realized that I really never want to be without him. And then we made love. Desire and love mingled together and it was beautiful. And we were beautiful. And we fell asleep holding each other.
"We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are Choosing to be here right now.
Hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience.
Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me.
Be my reminder here that I am not alone
In this body, this body holding me,
Feeling eternal, all this pain is an illusion."
~ "Parabola" by Tool from Lateralus
To be continued....
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