You know you've had a long day when you turn on some music and lean back in your computer chair to listen...and then find yourself waking up 5 minutes later with a pain in your neck from how it was propped against the chair. :)

I need sleep!!!!!

I intended to post this on Saturday night, but for some reason Blogger didn't like my mother's computer and decided not to work properly. At any rate...here it is. :)

Friday Night Buddhist

I went to hear Buddhist monk, Bhante Gunarantana, speak at University of Charleston last night. Bhante G., as most at the gathering referred to him, is a 74-year-old Theravadan monk from Sri Lanka who teaches meditation worldwide and is the author of “Mindfulness in Plain English” and “Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness”.

I had the awkward pleasure of riding up in the elevator with the evening’s speaker. I arrived early (for once) and was trying to find my way to the third floor room, but wasn’t having much luck. So I decided to wait and follow the next people that were looking for it. The next people happened to be Bhante G. and a professor. I don’t really know the proper greeting one should give to a Buddhist monk, but I bowed my head to him and held the elevator door open for him and allowed him to get on before me. We found the sign pointing the way to the room hanging inside the elevator and laughed together at the error in judgment on the part of the student who had hung the signs. :)

It was a very intimate gathering held in a small room on the third floor of the UC Student Union. Bhante G. was seated on a cushion on a small couch and was sitting cross-legged. He was about 5’3”, with dark brown skin, a shaved little head, and he was dressed in the orange robes of a Buddhist monk. There were two lamps on end tables on either side of the couch that served as the only lighting in the room. About 8 rows of folding chairs were set out facing the couch, I was on the second row.

His talk was on the subject of loving friendliness or what he called mehta. (Uncertain on spelling) First, he led us in a mehta meditation, which was so relaxing! He rang this little bell three times and then asked us to close our eyes, pay attention to our breathing: to the feel of our chest cavity expanding and shrinking as the air came in and out of our bodies, and to really contemplate the words that he would be speaking. And then he began, in his very soft, singsong voice, to say something a bit like this:

May no harm come to me
May no suffering come to me
May I be happy, healthy, and peaceful
May I be successful
May I find strength and courage to face the inevitable troubles, problems, and difficulties I find along life’s path.
Etc.

He went on to wish all of these things for our teachers, our families, our friends, our enemies, unfriendly people, and eventually, all people.

Whenever an outside thought of what I had to do tomorrow or if I had to do laundry or wash dishes later that night came into my mind, I immediately pushed it away and concentrated on the sound of his voice and the meaning of his words. After a few minutes I found it was no effort to focus on his words…I was deep in wishing well my fellow human beings, those who are friendly to me and those who are unfriendly. I was exuding complete goodwill. And was it ever relaxing! I felt totally content after the meditation was over…totally at peace. Like I’d just received a full body massage. And I thought, “I’ve got to do this more often! I wonder if I can take him home with me?”

With everyone feeling relaxed and peaceful, Bhante G. began his talk on mehta. Basically the principle of mehta is exactly the same as that of our Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Have love and compassion and kindness for everyone, regardless of how they behave to you. If people are angry, rude, if they swear at you, you should not respond with anger, rudeness, and equal swearing. Nope. You should have compassion for them. Why? Because those people are not normal people. Something has happened to those people to hurt them and make them put up defenses of anger, etc. Their lives have not been happy and peaceful…they have not had normal lives. So we should have compassion for them.

Sounds simple enough and very much like what I’ve heard mentioned in church all of my life. However, it’s the most difficult thing in the world to actually practice. On a good day, sure, it’s easy. But when someone stresses you out…makes you angry…it’s hard to just feel compassion. It’s hard not to yell obscenities at them. :) At least for me.

He mentioned how it is human nature for us all to make comparisons of ourselves with others so that we may understand our places in society and ourselves. He noted that most of us make negative comparisons of ourselves with others…how we are different. He says that he and his fellow monks teach that we should make positive comparisons of ourselves with others…how we are similar. It is much easier to be compassionate with someone if you feel that they are like you. :) True, true, true.

Bhante G. went on to say that we should send feelings of friendship, compassion, and love to everyone, regardless of how they treat us, not only for their sake, but also for our own. Compassion and friendliness toward others is the first step toward happiness. After all, can you be angry when you’re helping someone? No, not really. Because you’re not thinking about yourself at that moment when you’re engaged in the helping action. So being friendly brings us closer to happiness and it spreads happiness to others. This can be true even if other people are unaware of the goodwill that you're sending them or the good action that you're doing.

He illustrated this point by telling a story of a man who lived in Washington D.C. near the Washington beltway. For many years this man got up early every morning and waved to all of the people driving their cars along the beltway to work. Most people never noticed him. He was so hard to see and they were all speeding by so quickly and preoccupied by the thoughts of their days ahead of them. But someone saw him…and wondered what he was doing and why he was waving every morning. Eventually Dan Rather got wind of the story and went to interview the man. He asked the man what he was doing, waving to all of these people like that. The man replied that he was wishing them all a good morning…wishing them a safe journey to work and a happy day. Dan Rather said, “But they can’t hear you…and most of them don’t see you or just think you’re crazy if they do see you.” “It doesn’t matter”, replied the man. “I don’t want them to see me. I do this for my own satisfaction. I believe that if I am sincere in wishing them a safe journey, that my goodwill has a chance to effect the course of their lives.” That story got a huge response in the Washington area. And the people became aware that someone out there was wishing them happiness and safety. They were made happy by the goodwill and friendliness of this man and he was made happy by wishing them safety and happiness. Not only they were affected, but even when Bhante G. told this story, it made me smile and made me feel that I wanted to do similar actions of goodwill toward my fellow man. :) And perhaps it will make you feel the same when you read it. :)

He also spoke of how people truly can sense others emotions. Even if you don’t actually say anything to express your goodwill and love, others can feel it. This, he said, is usually more evident in children because they communicate more simply than adults. Adults have learned more complex forms of communication…mainly verbal…and their understanding of the world is more intellectual. Also they are often too preoccupied by their busy lives to focus on the feelings exuding from others. Children, however, are more tuned in to emotes because their understanding of the world is a more emotional understanding…their communication is not as verbally focused as that of adults. However, it still remains that adults can sense others emotions…they will just not be as aware of it as children. It will be a subconscious sensation. If adults make a conscious effort to quiet their minds, of course, they can become aware of sensing these feelings from others.

To illustrate how people can sense others emotions, especially children, he told a story of something that happened to him while in an airport in London. He was flying from London to Madrid, Spain where he was going to teach a meditation retreat. His flight was delayed several hours so he decided to use the time to do some mehta meditation. He sat cross-legged on a bench and began his meditation…sending thoughts of goodwill and safe journeys out to all of the people in the airport, etc. And after sitting there for about 30 minutes he felt someone sit down on the bench beside him. He kept meditating and did not open his eyes. A few minutes later he felt the person get up from the bench and then he felt two little arms wrap around his neck. At this point he opened his eyes and found an adorable little four year old, blonde haired, blue-eyed girl holding on to him. He had remembered seeing her earlier, walking along with her mother. Apparently she had become lost and when she couldn’t find her mother, she made her way to him. Bhante G. found it very pleasing that she came to him, but wondered why, of all people, she came to him. He said that he was probably the most strange looking individual in the whole airport. A little brown man in orange robes, sitting cross-legged, engaged in meditation on a bench. But he felt that she could sense the feelings of goodwill and love that he was sending out and came to him, knowing that he was friendly and could help her. When they finally found her mother, she had become so attached to him that she didn’t want to leave his side. He had to tell her to go with her mother before she would actually leave. :)

He told a few more interesting stories…he was very clever and was an entertaining story teller. I learned a little more about Buddhism that I didn’t know…like how Bhante believes that the feelings and thoughts that you have during the last moments of your life will effect your next life. If you are accepting and at peace with dying, you will have a peaceful next life and vice versa. The idea of accepting death, if it is obviously inevitable, makes sense to me. I’d rather have my last moments be a peaceful reflection of all of the beauty that I’ve experienced than a confused and angry struggle. As for the next life thing…well I truly don’t know what I believe about what happens after death. I was raised with the Christian belief of heaven and hell…but who knows? Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe there’s nothing…or maybe we come back. Who knows?

He also mentioned another reason for the little girl in the airport being drawn to him that I found interesting. He said that she could have been drawn to him because possibly he had had some attachment to her in a past life. The whole idea of past lives and future lives intrigues me…and I find fascinating the possibility that our connections to people in one lifetime can bleed over into another. I know that I’ve met some people in my life that I feel so familiar with, even though I’ve never met them before…or anyone like them. There have been people whose souls I feel that I recognize…and I couldn’t explain why I felt that way…and I was so inexplicably drawn to these people. So who knows, maybe it’s true?

I thoroughly enjoyed myself and I’m interested in reading his books to learn more about meditation. If I could reach that feeling of peacefulness that I did last night at least once a day, I think I might be a happier person on the whole. :) And maybe I should start waving at people on their way to work in Charleston too. :)

Seriously, I am interesting in learning more about meditation. Bhante and some other monks established a monastery in Hampshire County, WV and they hold meditation retreats. I think it would be great to go to one of these. Here’s the web address if you’re interesting in learning more:

www.bhavanasociety.org

Let me know if any of you are interested in going to a retreat with me! :)

There are certain moments in a person’s life when everything seems so beautiful and you’re not afraid to believe.

Lying in the arms of the one that you love is such a moment.

I don’t know what’s coming next, but it really doesn’t matter. All that I want and need is to be here in this moment with my love, our limbs tangled together like heavy roots.

All that I need: the feel of his skin against mine, strong arms wrapped around me, his eyes, so intense and alight with passion. My heart is tight from the beauty of this moment and my soul cries, “He’s so alive! And I am truly alive! Burning and burning…and I’ve found someone who burns the way that I do! This is what life is…everything else is an illusion.”

In a moment such as this, words are unnecessary. They are too hard and will only shatter the beauty and bring reality and time crashing back into my world. And so I soak up the bliss and sweet silence as long as I can. But not all is silent. For occasionally my love or I will whisper and murmur, each vocally caressing the other: “my love”…“so beautiful”…“my love, my love”

And once again I believe in fate and destiny. I believe in truth and beauty. And I believe in love.

But words eventually must come. And with them comes reality, storming in to take possession of my world once more. And with reality comes time. And with time comes responsibility. Until I end up back here…the place where my only record of that moment of beauty and life is memory…and all I can do is wait for the next one.


"We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside
This holy reality, this holy experience.
Choosing to be here in
This body. This body holding me.
Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me.
Feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion."

~ Tool from Parabola on their Lateralus CD

Well, I resisted the seductive lure of Mitsubishi’s current marketing campaign. They’re currently advertising that you can get a car with no interest (ever) and no payments for a year. This is a fucking spectacular deal!!! However, you must buy a new car for the deal to apply.

As all of my friends know, I need a new car. Hell, I need a car period. I had a car once…it was an Easter Egg Blue Chevy Citation…but it decided to develop a serious oil leak and die two weeks into my freshman year at college. I got the damn thing home to my parent’s driveway and there it’s been ever since. So, on and off for the past 5 years of my college career I’ve been driving my mother’s Chevy Corsica (which has been a wonderful car with tons of power…Vrooom.! Vrooom!) or my boyfriend’s Plymouth Acclaim. I’ve been bumming for the past 5 years and honestly, I’m tired of it. My poor Mother, hasn’t had her car at all for the last 2 years and that’s just awful! She doesn’t mind…in fact, she has never complained…and my dad is there to take her wherever she needs to go, so it’s not like she’s totally stuck. But I still feel horrible and grateful all at the same time.

The point is that I’ve been thinking that I need a car of my own and this deal was just so tempting. However, after careful analysis of my projected financial state for the next 5 years, I decided that a new car…even one with no fucking interest and no fucking payments for a year…is a bad idea. I simply can’t afford it and go to college too. I’d need a full-time job just to nail the payment, let alone the cost of insurance.

The sad thing is that Mitsubishi almost nailed my ass…they almost got me. And I would’ve had a sweet car but no M.A…and I would be working a job with no chance for advancement or pay increase.

It’s amazing and scary at how strong the lure of possessions can be. We convince ourselves and corporations convince us that we need possessions. If you just had this new car, then you’d be cool…if we just had this new stereo system, then we could feel good about ourselves. And once we meet that first compulsion, it becomes easier to give in the next time. So we buy bigger, better, and more expensive merchandise. We become good little consumers.

It’s truly fucking scary. Because the reality is that all of our possessions are going to be worth nothing one day. We can’t take them with us when we die…what’s valuable to us will not necessarily be valuable to our children…and owning certain things simply doesn’t make any difference in your worth or the type of person that you are. They are just things.

Another facet of reality is that, in today’s society, some of these things (like cars) we do actually need to function effectively. If I didn’t have a car, I would have to walk several miles to a bus stop so that I could get to work. So that my life runs more efficiently, I need a car. So that I don’t feel so horrible over having my mother’s car, I need to give her car back to her and buy one of my own. However, I would be happy to settle for a nice $3000 number…something that will serve its function, nothing more and nothing less. And that way I can still afford to go to grad school and everybody’s happy.

Yay! Don't you feel better for having read this? :)

Afraid of Women

Women totally baffle me. And the fact that I am one makes this very strange, I know. But I’m recognizing the fact that I’m very wary of other women. A bit frightened by them, in fact.

Whenever I meet new females I’m instantly on my guard. In a social situation around new females I usually just sit back and observe. I’m cordial…I make pleasant conversation…but I never have the desire to pursue the relationship.

So, I ask myself why am I so fucking edgy around other ladies?

The first answer that comes to mind is, “I don’t trust them”. Don’t trust them in respect to what? Do I feel that these females threaten my relationship with Ben? No…not really. I’m pretty secure there.

So what don’t I trust them with? My secrets…my thoughts…my heart. Women can be extremely vicious creatures…downright malevolent. A woman will do wrong to another woman that which a man would never even dream of doing to another man. So I suppose I’m afraid to get close to one…afraid she’ll hurt me because she got angry with me for some petty reason. And honestly any relationship with a typical woman takes so much effort…effort that I simply don’t have time to give. God, and the conversations that most women want to have are simply gossip or about love relationships. Over and over and over again they’ll rip apart the last meetings with their crush, analyzing every little detail to fucking death. It’s tiring. And gossip just makes me want to vomit. Don't get me wrong, I still have the occasional need to
pour out my heart to someone uninvolved concerning a relationship issue. We all need someone to talk to at sometime. It's great to have a soundingboard. But to have that be your only conversation each and every time? Jesus!

Men, however, I understand. Men are so much easier. They (usually) won’t divulge anything you tell them in confidence just for a bit of juicy conversation (like a woman will). They don’t take a ton of effort either. You can go without seeing one of you guy friends for a month or more and when you are reunited, you will be pretty much on the same note that you were the last time you saw them. With a chick it can be this way…but it usually isn’t. And men don’t (usually) gossip…and they will ask your opinion on a love relationship once and once you give your opinion, they let it go. Lovely. No stress. Plus men like to DO things. And their conversation will involve things outside of love relationships and gossip, like books, movies, music, etc.

The one close girl friend that I had was very much like me. Her name is Nikki. We usually got along better with men…and we were a bit surprised when we found each other. She was a sister…a kindred spirit…and I loved her very much. I still love her, but I miss her.

I moved to Huntington to go to Marshall and she stayed home and went to a community college. The first couple of years, we still managed to stay in touch. I would drive down to visit my family on the weekends and would go and see her while I was there. And we would email. (She was never very good at replying.) And I would call her. Her parents were very controlling, unreasonable people who felt that I was a bad influence on her because I told her to stand up to them more than she did. They treated her like a child and she was their little whipping girl. I remember her mother making her clean the bathroom and kitchen before she could come and stay the night with me. These were more than normal chores that she was given. They were deterrents. Her parents thought that if they put enough obstacles in our way, we’d just give up on being friends. But they were wrong. She’d do what was required and sometimes I’d drive down and help her clean and then we’d go back to my house.

(I used to get so upset with her parents, but I realize that they were doing what they thought was best for her at the time. And perhaps it was. Perhaps I was a bad influence. I know they didn’t want her to end up like me, psychotic and living in sin.)

I could be myself with her. That’s one thing that I never had with any of the other shallow friendships that I had before her. To be as fucking goofy as I wanted to be. To have moments of stupidity and air headedness and she accepted me in spite of it. To be serious and contemplate life and it’s meaning. To think aloud and express my desires. I didn’t have to be a magazine…I could be real. And that was so refreshing. I can’t tell you how much I miss that.

The third and fourth years I was at school our communications dropped off drastically. I was working a lot and my course work increased in difficulty…so I honestly didn’t have the time to go home as often. I probably made it home about once every 2 or 3 months…and that time I spent with the family, of course.
I would call when I was home, but she was working a lot then too so it was hard to get hold of her. Sometimes I would be successful and we’d talk for a bit…or I’d go visit her at work.

She worked at Wal-Mart in Beckley as one of those people that puts misplaced merchandise back in the proper place. She handled the Health and Beauty section. Her shift was from 4pm or 5pm to midnight or beyond, depending on how quickly she finished. I used to go up to Wal-Mart and help her restock and straighten the shelves in her department, just so she could get out and we could spend some time together.

We’d spend the night with each other or we’d go somewhere and grab some food and chat. Once we got two bottles of Arbor Mist and got drunk at the bottom of my hill. We had parked just off the road in a well-known make-out location. People kept driving by and honking or yelling, “Get some!!” We thought it was so fucking hilarious.

When at school I emailed, but I had less time to do that. In addition to work and school, I was also in a depression the third and forth years. The depression factor made me less motivated to do anything…so everything was a struggle. I don’t know how I did it really. I don’t think I was consciously aware of being depressed then…I just kept saying that I was tired and stressed out. The one thing that motivated me was that I knew Ben was depressed and I was part of the reason that he was in depression…and I had a responsibility to see him well and on his feet again. To mend what had been broken. And so I pushed and pushed and pushed. By the forth year, poor Nikki was lost in all of my emotional muck and mire. And I was too emotionally crazy and exhausted at this time to realize that I missed her. I was just trying to survive tomorrow.

And last year was pretty much the same. It was pretty stressful as far as school and finances were concerned…but Ben was doing better. And I was starting to realize that I had been depressed…that I was, in fact, still in a bit of a depression. By this time, I never heard from Nikki. The last couple of times I had any contact with her was after Ben’s father passed away…she sent me an email letting me know how sorry she was…. and she sent me pictures of her brother’s new baby girl.

During our times of silence her grandmother passed away and I wasn’t able to go to the funeral or be there for her. We had a couple of phone conversations and I tried to comfort her as she had comforted me just a few months earlier when my grandmother had died. But I wasn’t able to be there…I was too busy, busy, busy…and I feel like I failed her. I’m so sorry, Nikki.

I’ve always known that we grow up and as we grow up leave things from out past behind us. That’s part of life. I just really wasn’t prepared to leave Nikki behind. She’s the only woman, besides my sister, that I’ve ever trusted. And I miss her.

So I'm not dead. The dizziness passd and I lived and all that shiznit.

What I am, however, is so so so fucking tired. Always, I'm tired. I can never seem
to get enough rest, because I simply don't have enough time. I work all day and
then go work out and then come home and eat...by that time its 9PM, so I only have
an hour or two to do something enjoyable or to get household chores done.

But lately I haven't been getting enough sleep because I've been doing chores plus
watching movies or messing around on my computer until midnight or beyond.
And my weekends...hah! It seems like someone else always has a plan for my
weekend. Either my mom or some other family member that I really can't say no
to asks me to do something for or with them. So I use my time to make them
happy, and although I might enjoy myself a bit in these suggested or forced
activities, I'm not truly happy with time spent in that way because I didn't
choose to spend it in that way. It was chosen for me. Grrrrrr!!!

Being tired is bad enough, but spending most of my time doing thing I don't really
want to do is driving me fucking nutz! We have one chance here on earth. One
life. One. And time goes so fast! I'm just afraid of wasting time, I guess. Afraid
of becoming stagnant. Afraid of not living and touching and tasting more of life.
God, I need a change...and soon. Or maybe a nice, relaxing vacation would do
the trick.

*sigh* I'm sorry for bitching. I'm just sleepy. I need to go dream of happy stuff
and then it will all seem okay.

Bye-Bye.

My head feels so strange….

Ben and I went to the St. Albans fireworks display tonight. As I was walking back toward the car, I noticed that I wasn’t quite steady on my feet. This wouldn’t be a big deal if I had had some alcohol…but I haven’t had any today!

God, I feel fucked up. I try to look at one thing and the image just twists and spins, like when I’m drunk. The funny thing is that I was planning on getting smashed when I got home…but now I’m too frightened to do so.

The only thing I had to eat out of the ordinary today was pizza from Papa Johns…maybe someone was being funny and drugged me. What a lovely thought. Or maybe a little bug that was carrying a plague of some sort has bitten me, infecting me with a disease that will cause my flesh to break and split and slowly fall from my body. The possibilities are endless.

Hey folks...I'm afraid I don't have much to say.

This lyric was running through my head all day, so I thought the only logical thing to do was to post it! After I heard her sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow , I was intrigued by her airy, whimsical voice. So then I listened to this song, Hey Jupiter (The Dakota Version), and fell in love with the lyric. I hope you like it. (Download it! Download it! Listen to the purty music!!!)

Toodles!

~Ina

No one's picking up the phone, guess it's me and me.
And this little masochist, she's ready to confess,
All the things that I never thought that she could feel and,

Hey Jupiter, nothing's been the same.
So are you gay, are you blue?
Thought we both could use a friend to run to.
And I thought I wouldn't have to be with you... something new.

Sometimes I breath you in, and I know you know.
And sometimes you take a swim, found your writing on my wall.
Well, if my hearts soaking wet, boy your boots can leave a mess.

Hey Jupiter, nothing's been the same.
So are you gay, are you blue?
Thought we both could use a friend to run to.
And I thought you wouldn't have to keep with me, hiding.

Thought I knew myself so well, all the dolls I had.
Took my leather off the shelf, your apocalypse was fab.
For a girl who couldn't choose between the shower or the bath.
And I thought I wouldn't have to be with you, a magazine.

No one's picking up the phone, guess it's clear he's gone.
And this little masochist is lifting up her dress.
Guess I thought I could never feel things I feel and,

Hey Jupiter, nothing's been the same.
So are you gay, are you blue?
Thought we both could use a friend to run to.

I go from day to day.
I know where the cupboards are.
I know where the car is parked.
I know he isn't you.

Hey Jupiter, nothing's been the same.
So are you safe, now we're through?
Thought we both could use a friend to run to.
Hey Jupiter...

~ By Tori Amos from Hey Jupiter (The Dakota Version) on her Hey Jupiter Single