Ma Soeur

I helped my sister finish packing up her shit this evening. Poor thing…she’s so stressed and afraid that she won’t be able to make it on her own in Maryland. But she will. :) She’ll be fine.

She’s had to sort through so much emotional baggage over the past 5 years since her divorce…her ex-husband completely undermined her confidence in herself during the last years of their marriage. He was always mocking her, never supporting her, always taking advantage and never appreciating all of the little things she did for him. For god’s sake, the woman laid out his clothes (and ironed them all) every damn morning…she even laid out his underwear!!! He never made a meal while they were married…never washed a dish…never did a load of laundry. She did all of the household shit and worked …but she was happy to do that as long as she was appreciated and treated with respect. But after the first two years or so he stopped giving her that. And he began drinking more heavily. And he changed.

After I graduated high school, my parents told me that I couldn’t get a job until the fall. They felt bad about not being able to send me to college because Dad had lost his job, so they decided that I shouldn’t work until I had to. “You’ll be working the rest of your life, kid”, my Mom always said. Well, when that September rolled around, I started looking for a job. The market was so bad in Beckley in the fall of 1996 that even McDonald’s didn’t call me in for an interview.

My sister had worked at United National Bank in Charleston for a few years and she pulled some strings and got me on there. I, of course, had to move in with her for a few months until I had established myself and could apply for a transfer to one of the Beckley offices. So from October 1996 to February 1997 I worked in Charleston at United National Bank as a teller. I worked at three branches…the main office on Virginia St., the Town Center office, and the Capitol Street office. Whenever they needed someone, I went. I also picked up an evening job at a kiosk in the Town Center mall. I’d work at the bank from 7:30am to 7pm and then I’d hike over to the mall to work at the men’s necktie stand until closing time. I worked all of these hours just to keep enough to pay my portion of the groceries and then I’d send the rest home to the folks.

Long days those were. But good ones. I loved living with my sister…I think it was during that time that we became better friends. We’d go grocery shopping together, cook dinner together, clean together, ride to work together, go to church together…the fun was endless. :) But the fun was actually endless…or it seems so now. I’m glad I had the opportunity to be there with her during that time. She and Rick were having troubles then…he was drinking a lot…and I think it helped her to have someone to talk to. And someone to witness his bullshit, so she’d know she wasn’t crazy…she wasn’t too picky…it wasn’t all in her head. I can’t tell you the number of beer cans I picked up around his chair during the time I was there. At least 6 every evening…very often there were more.

From observing their relationship, I began to understand how inequality in a marriage and/or relationship could destroy it. And I became wary. “If this is what marriage is”, I thought, “then I simply don’t need it”. I was my own woman, and I’d be damned if any man was going to tell me how to live my life. And I told myself that I would never become involved with anyone who likes to drink a little too much. Funny thing is that I forgot all about that shortly after I moved to Beckley, and fell head over heels for a young alcoholic. I had gone to high school with him…and he and I had had involvements in the past…but something just clicked that February. I was nuts for Mr. Joseph Carlucci…and he was one of the biggest lushes that I’ve ever met. My Italian Stallion, I called him. LOL! How bloody fucking ridiculous. All we ever did when we were together was get drunk and fool around…well, we would talk and we had a few good conversations…but it was mostly fooling around and drinking. Anyway, you’d think I would learn something from my sister’s relationship with an alcoholic. Nope. I learned my lesson the hard way…and ended with a broken heart, just like my poor sister when Rick asked her for a divorce a year later.

He asked her at dinner on Valentine’s Day. Lovely, eh? But she was tired of trying to keep it together. During their long struggle, she had grown so very tired and had fallen out of love with him. The “reward” of having him in her life became less and less a thing worth fighting for…and she gave in. She walked away to preserve her sanity. On the whole, I’m sorry that her marriage didn’t work out. In spite of his flaws, Rick was a good guy. He had been involved with Rose since I was 8 years old and was like a brother to me. However, I realize that if they had stayed together any longer, they would’ve just ended up hurting and clawing at the other’s emotions and sanity worse than they already had. It was best. But I was still very upset when they told me. That was in the winter (December or January) of 1997.

When I see my sister now, embarking on her move…her own journey to prove herself to herself…I am proud of her. She is terrified, but she is determined and that determination will see her though. She is coming out of that shell that her ex-husband pushed her into for so many years. She is becoming her own person…finally voicing her opinions…standing up for herself a bit, and I’m glad. For a while there she was the easiest person in the world to take advantage of. Whenever anything was asked of her, she felt as though she had to do it. She couldn’t refuse anyone anything least she feel incredibly guilty about it. She’s able to say “No” now and I’m glad. I can’t wait for the day that she stops doubting herself and realizes that she is truly intelligent, capable, beautiful, and on the whole, a wonderful person.

She still remains the sweetest person that I have ever met in my life. She’s the most selfless person that I’ve ever known, one of the kindest, and the most giving. I know that she will always rush to my side when I am in need, and I will do the same for her. She was my roommate in my childhood, my playmate, and (being 8 years my senior) my “little mother”. She is and always will be my sister and my friend.

Give 'em hell, Sissy! I’ll miss you! :)

"Thanks to birth order... I have something
she'll never have: a powerhouse to be inspired by."

~ Patricia Volk on her sister Jo Ann

I think my friends have all forgotten how to type....and it's kinda lonely and quiet. But maybe I should just enjoy the silence.

words like violence
break the silence
come crashing in
into my little world
painful to me
pierced right through me
can't you understand
oh my little girl

all i ever wanted
all i ever needed
is here in my arms
all i ever wanted
all i ever needed
is here in my arms

vows are spoken
to be broken
feelings are intense
words are trivial
pleasures remain
so does the pain
words are meaningless
and unforgettable

all i ever wanted
all i ever needed
is here in my arms
all i ever wanted
all i ever needed
is here in my arms

words are very unnecessary
they can only do harm
they can only do harm

Depeche Mode from Enjoy the Silence

Home Again, Home Again, and Never to Rest

Ben and I got back from vacation Sunday August 18th at 10:30PM. We drove the 16 hours back from Ft. Lauderdale, unloaded the car, and fell into bed exhausted. I had to get up the next morning bright and early to get to work. What a shitty Monday that was. It was a shitty week, actually. I was so tired all week long because of getting back late from vacation, I had to go in early two days, and I got up super early Wednesday morning to take a test for a position with Disability Determination Section of Social Security. The fun was endless! :)

This past weekend I was able to recover somewhat, but found myself sitting up late drinking and playing euchre with Ben, Shawn, and Ken, when I really should've been catching up on ZZZZZs. Plus I've had a hard time putting down the book I'm currently reading...(George R. R. Martin's Storm of Swords, the 3rd book in the Song of Ice and Fire series)..so I tend to read well past my bed time. I just can't help it! The plot is so exciting right now, killing off major characters and all, and the characters are so well written, and the wit incredible!! I'm thinking that Martin may well be one of the greatest fantasy writers besides Tolkien. (At least that's the way I feel at the moment. Give it time...I'll be declaring that someone else is the greatest, I'm sure.) But the staying up late reading thing doesn't really help with the whole rest issue, but oh well. I'll rest when I'm dead.

It was a yummy weekend, though. It's always nice to have people you love around you. :) And speaking of having people you love around you...I'll be losing one this week. :( My sister is moving to Baltimore, Maryland this weekend and I'm gonna miss her so much! She's my sis, and my friend, and she always laughs at my jokes (god bless her!). But we'll keep in touch. My family has always been really close...physical distance won't change that. :)

And Ben starts school tomorrow...while I sit at my job and rot. :) I'm so happy for him...he only has to pull through a year and he's got his degree!!! We're gonna have a kick ass party or go on some awesome trip when he graduates. But under these feeling of happiness and goodwill for him, I must admit, I feel sort of odd about not being in school this semester. I don't want to end up not going back. I'm so afraid that I'll just stop here and rot in a fucking shitty job the rest of my natural life!!!!!!! ACK!!!!!!

Okay. Calm down, bitch! Get a grip! That will only happen if you allow it to! Focus on your goals and make them happen!

Oh yeah, I'm losing it...I'm even talking to myself in my blogs. I'm gonna go read now....it's so much more interesting than reality.

Sending thoughts of Love and Popsicles,

c.g.

Well, here I am in Ft. Lauderdale Florida at my friend Patrick's home. Ben and I arrived here Saturday night after a 16 hour drive through West Virginia, Virginia, the Carolinas, Georgia, and Florida. We brought his mother's car, so I finally got to learn how to drive a stick shift. :) I'm still having a little trouble letting the clutch out smoothly in 1st and 2nd gears...but considering the small amount of practice I had before we actually set out on the trip, I'd say that I'm not doing too shabby at all.
We're staying here with Pat until this Sunday. The poor bastard is at work today, but he's taking off a few days later in the week to goof around with us. It promises to be a nice, relaxing, fun vacation.:) Just what I've been in need of. :)

And now on to more exciting news....

This Thursday past Ben, Shawn, and I have the pleasure of seeing Tool in concert in Huntington, WV. Before I get to the description of the performance let me just say that I will never again purchase tickets on the floor. I had never before been so tightly pressed against a bunch of sweaty strangers as I was that night. The guys who were standing in front of me enjoyed it, I'm sure...with my breasts constantly grazing their backs. And Shawn and Ben tell me that some girls behind them were giving them similar treatment...except that these girls were dancing and rubbing their boobs and bellys and what not all up against Shawn and Ben's backs. I wondered why Shawn had that shit-eating grin on his face most of the night. :) It was pretty wild, though. People kept pushing through the crowd trying to get closer to the stage, and people were moshing, and fighting, and smoking pot. Some guys behind me came close to burning me a couple of times with the big fat doobie that they were passing around. And whenever anyone would move through the crowd, you had to struggle to keep you footing, otherwise you'd be knocked over. And the moshing...GRRRRR...the moshing distracted me throughout Sober and Aenima...I had to concentrate on not being knocked over. Stressful. On the whole, I didn't get to enjoy the concert as much as I would have, had I been sitting like the very wise Wayne, Cheryl, and Rose (my brother, sister-in-law, and sister).

The first backdrop was of some sort of ancient stone carved face, and when the lights would shine on it, it would turn a variety of colors. To either side of the stage, hanging from the ceiling of the arena, were two large screens onto which a variety of odd and somewhat distrubing images were projected throughout the show. A few of these images: a flying dove made out of eyeballs; an eye being held open with some metal device...blood and muscle surrounding the eye...and some white fluid was being injected into it; a circle of blacked-eyed white-bodied creatures that were shaped like Herschy's Kisses...they had no arms or legs...and they were each sucking on the pointy tip of the head of the creature in front of them...all in a circle feeding on each other; white-bodied naked swimmers, a multi-colored flace with an eye placed vertically in the center. The second backdrop was a spiral pattern made up of eyes and a large pentagram was hanging down from the ceiling, placing it in the middle of the spiral.

The guitarist was positioned front stage-right, the basist was front stage-left, the drummer was behind the basist and a bit toward the center of the stage, and Maynard was behind the guitartist a few feet and more to the center of the stage (but not directly centered). He was clad totatlly in black leather...black leather pants, black leather jacket/shirt...and he was sporting either a short mohawk with a black stripe painted down the center of his face or a black stripe painted on his head and down the center of his face.:) He never once turned around to face the crowd...but every now and then we'd get to see his profile. He sang every song in his place there on stage, with his back to the audience, dancing some strange slow dance...every now and then turning his right leg out to the side and stomping to the beat of the drums. He never once spoke to us. But he sang and oh, how he sang. And a couple of times he also played guitar, and Danny drummed, and Justin played his bass, and Adam played his guitar. And it was Tool in concert. And I was there!

They opened with Sober and closed with Lateralus, and from there I can't really recall the order. Aenima was played, along with Stinkfist, H., Schism, and Parabola. They did two songs that I didn't recognize, one with an incredibly long build up. One of these songs I think was Reflection, because I remember the phrase "It's calling me" being repeated over and over. There was a 20 minute long jam session before they did Lateralus, where they brought some guy on stange with some other drums. That rocked. :) I really wanted to hear them perform Eulogy and Forty-Six and 2, but oh well. Maybe next time!:)

One thing that strikes me as I think about the placement of everyone on stage and of Maynard's behavior...they appeared as a band...as Tool...not as Maynard and his guitarist, bass player, and drummer. This placed the focus on the music. All there was was the music and the images.

The night of the concert, I was a bit disappointed that Maynard didn't speak to the audience. I was and still am curious to hear the perspectives and perceptions of the man who writes such brilliant lyrics. I wanted to hear his "positive energy" speech that I've read about. All we got was "Thank you for sharing this moment with us." right after the jam session, and I think that was said by Adam. I thought, at the time, that maybe he didn't speak because he was slightly pissed off at the crowd for how they received the opening act.

You see, not only was the music of Tomahawk (the opening act) pure shit, but the lead singer was an asshole. He kept insulting West Virginia and West Virginians. He said, "Come on people! Get loud! You're supposed to have more energy than that! You're supposed to be the most fucked up Hillbillies around!" Well that wasn't too bad...most of the people cheered at that one. (idiots) "What are you guys drinking tonight? Everclear isn't it? Grain alcohol? You guys are fed that in your bottled down here!" Stupid thing to say. A few people cheered, but most flipped him off. One thing he didn't realize is that even though he was in West Virginia, he was in one of the largest urban centers in West Virginia. These people may speak with an accent but the majority of them are not rednecks...and even your serious redneck takes childrearig seriously. This was an insult to the intelligence of our parents and their ability to take care of their children. Some people started flipping him off. Then he went into another shit song, during which he mostly screamed and made stupid noised into the microphone. The crowd wasn't into it. Not much cheering or dancing. Just watching. He said, "I think maybe you guys are just eager for Tool." Cheering. And then he did a mocking impression of Sober. Then said, "Or maybe you just want to hear some music that's familiar to you. (asking the guitarist) Do you know any banjo music? Here's one I think you guys know...you can hum along." And then proceeded to hum the opening of Wildwood Flower. Pissed off audience. Many middle fingers flying up, including mine. Then he said, "Man you guys are tough. Damn, this girl up here in the front row looks so pissed off! What's the matter honey, haven't you ever had any dick lately? Have you ever had any Yankee dick? I'll be you've had Daddy's though." Many boos and middle fingers flying. Chants of "fuck you, fuck you" rising from all over the arena. I was among those chanting and extending my finger. They finally gave up and left the stage. Stupid cocksuckers.

Anyway, if Maynard was annoyed at our reaction to Tool's opener, well...I'm sorry but you don't go around insulitng people and expect to be well-received. All in all, I enjoyed the concert and I most definately plan to see Tool again...this time with seats.:)

ooopsie!