Sometimes we make decisions to abstain from certain things or hold back emotions in an attempt to protect ourselves from getting hurt by others. We decide that it's too risky to let people in...too risky to make ourselves vulnerable and simply do what we feel...and so we section ourselves off.

We hurt ourselves by inflicting isolation on ourselves. But we hurt ourselves before anyone else can hurt us. We are in control of the pain. We choose the pain. And we feel more comfortable with this because we have an illusion of control.

Now in those moments when we do take a chance, live in the moment, and follow our hearts...we run a great risk of being hurt in an unpredictable manner. We relinquish control. We may hurt...we may not. It is in letting go, giving in, and living in the moment that we have the greatest potential for joy...the greatest potential for pain.

I choose to live in the moment. Will I hurt? Very likely...but it is certain that I will be pained if I isolate myself and never take this chance to live and to love.

Columbus, Claddagh, and the Drunkard's Bed

After finishing my finals I went up to Columbus with Burnsy in tow and spent a delightful weekend with my friends. I met Tina from Seattle, who is an adorable, petite, and vivacious individual whom I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know.

Shortly after our arrival on that Saturday night, Burnsy and I paid Shawn $10 a piece to run to the guy's apartment next door with a flaming yellow silk scarf draped around his neck and scream, "I want cock!" They told him to get the hell out. :)
Following that we had dinner at the Columbus Brewing Co. where I had the best lemon chicken, spinach, and garlic mashed potatos that I've ever tasted in my life!

We tried to find a bar with a live band or a dance club that would let Burnsy in (as he lost his license in the river), however we encountered no doorman that was even slightly swayed by his charms. So, after a few attempts we found ourselves at a restaurant/irish pub called Claddagh, which Shawn and Chris frequent. It was a rather charming place, complete with roaring fireplaces and a 4 piece irish band.

We all got drunk, except for Burns who had been high on Lortab earlier in the evening. (He was in an accident the previous week and had a cracked rib or two.) I polished off 5 Long Island Iced Teas, Tina had several glasses of champagne, Chris had alot of beer and a few Irish Car Bombs, and Shawn had the same as Chris. Shawn, however, had 5 or so shots before we left the house. The effect of the extra alcohol in his system became apparent when all of us were talking, laughing, and joking except for Shawn...who was quietly drooling on his corner of the table. After a bit, he excused himself to the restoom to throw up for a very long time. And then I think he laid in the bathroom floor for a while too. :) The next morning he was still wearing the same black turtleneck and it bore evidence of his dealings with the porcelain goddes on the left arm. 'Atta boy, Shawn!

In general, we were loud and drunk and jolly and ended up acquainting ourselves with the table next to us and the waitress, Callie. The waitress invited us to the bar she was going to after work called the Hey-Hey! or the Hay-Hay! or something like that. We were drunk and invited, so we went! :) It was a dark, seedy little place. Tink and I played about 30 songs on the juke box and danced a little while the boys played pool. Some bald guy that worked for Pizza Hut bought everyone in the bar a round of drinks. I drank about 2 glasses of champagne....god knows I didn't need to drink anymore! :) We stayed there until the place closed and then an unfortunate Mr. Burns drove the drunkards home.

I don't remember much about the ride home except for Chris acting like an ass and hanging out the window...Burnsy getting pissed off at trying to drive and having no one to give him directions...me calling and talking to Chris' ex-wife on his cell phone and telling her how sorry I was it didn't work out for them...and lots of hysteria and drunkenness.

We got home and got ready for bed. Chris, Tina, me, and Burns ended up in Chris' bed for a bit. There was a lot of talking, laughing, legs being thrown over people, groping of boobies, and horseplay. There was, thank god!, no nudity. And I kept threatening Burn's life if he so much as popped a semi in my back. Tina talked about her mom then and Chris and I attempted to comfort her and give her advice. Note to self: Never attempt to provide supportive counseling to friends while drunk ever again.

The next morning I was hung over as hell. And craving halapeno poppers. So we all had Arby's, watched a few episodes of Futurama, and then watched True Romance.

It was, all in all, a delightful time. I missed Tina's departure due to being in the shower but I send her a hug now *hug* and am confident that I will see her in the future to give her a real one. :) Keep in touch, please, Tina! You're one cool chica!

Parkersburg Treatment Center, the Brain Fever, and The Hours

Burns and I drove back to Charleston on Sunday evening. I started washing clothes and packing for my week in Parkersburg as soon as I got home. I didn't get to bed until 1am or so and had to get up at 3:30am, so I was totally zonked. Cyndi picked me up at 4:30am and we arrived at Parkersburg Treatment Center at 6am very tired, but ready to work.

Cyndi and I, along with 2 other counselors and 1 supervisor, had been asked to work all week in Parkersburg to get them ready for their visit from CARF (the Commision on Accreditation of Rehabilitation Services), who basically decides if they can remain accredited and in business. Since they requested our help, we expected things to be a bit behind...but not quite as behind as we found them. Well...perhaps behind is not even the correct word. The records were in shambles, simply put. Sometimes vital consents and paperwork was not even completed. We spent all week cleaning up what we legally could and meeting with patients, trying to get as many charts updated as we possibly could in a week's time. It was extremely stressful and grueling.

The company put us up in the Holiday Inn next to the treatment center. I would like to say that the indoor pool, the hot tub, the sauna, and the free meals and room service made up for the stress of the week...but it didn't. I did enjoy hotel life for about the first three days. After that I just wanted to come home. My desire to be in my own bed could have come from me getting sick while there, I suppose.

On Monday I came down with a little cough, or Tuesday it worsened, and by Wednesday I was a royal mess complete with chills and fever. I went back to the hotel room on Wednesday evening and went straight to bed. I was absolutely freezing but burning up at the same time. My fever kept rising in spite of me using cold compresses on my head and neck. I became obsessed with the idea that if I went to sleep my fever would continue to worsen and I would fall into a coma and get brain damage. I took three Advil to no avail. Cyndi returned from Walmart with the ingredients for Lemon-Honey-Ginger Tea and I made and drank two cups, heavy on the ginger.

Within an hour and a half I started sweating and my fever began to break. I was, however, still obsessed with the idea that I was going to get brain damage. Cyndi later mocked how absolutely absurd my fear was and told me she was glad that my brain fever was gone and over with so she didn't have to listen to my incessant ranting about brain damage. Still, I'm not sure that I didn't suffer any from the way my brain feels right now. :)

I worked the rest of the week with little event and returned to Charleston on Friday evening. I crashed in my bed at 4:30pm to wake at 11:30pm and then at 9:30am and then at 1:00pm today. I finally got up at 1:00pm and unpacked, cleaned, and took a shower. I then went Christmas shopping and knocked a few people off my little list.

I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep at a proper time because of my screwed up sleep so I rented The Hours and watched it. I liked it. A bit sad and morbid, yes, but I liked it just the same. It's one of those movies that makes you think about your life. One of the characters is reminiscing about her youth and describes a feeling of possibility and the thought that accompanied that feeling "This must be the beginning of happiness." only to realize years later that that feeling was happiness and that it was fleeting and unrecognizable until it was gone. It happens like that a lot in life. It often seems like I'm sailing from one little island of happiness to the next only to leave that one to go searching for another one. One that I may never find. People ask me what I want and I tell them I want to be happy. But happiness is transient...it's not permanent...it's not something you can box up, contain, and hold. It is a look, a word, a feeling, a moment. And then it's gone and you live in it's afterglow for a bit. Some people are lucky enough to have happiness, afterglow, happiness, afterglow without a pause in-between so that they don't realize that happiness isn't continuous. Some people are that lucky. I want to be that lucky. "When you realize life for what it is and accept it...and then let it go." I'm still working at the realizing and accepting life part...

Two tests down...two more to go.

Yup. I'm really looking forward to coming home tomorrow and reading 5 chapters and then stressing over another test...and then doing the same thing over on Friday! Yup. It'll be loads of fun.

I spoke with Steve last night and he was apologetic for his actions on Saturday. He told me that he had learned from his friends that he did not, in fact, stick his dick in anyone or anything that night as he had presumed due to the fact that he was so unattractively inebriated.

I explained to him that his loss of control and lack of precaution not only was dissrespectful to himself, but also to me. If he were to have had unprotected sex with someone and not remember it and we were to actually have sex again, he would place me at risk for contracting something nasty. He apologized. Still, I'm incredibly turned-off.

We concluded that he's far too immature to be in a serious romantic relationship right now. He feels that I require too much attention. Well...when I'm in a relationship, I like to spend time with my boyfriend...I like to cuddle with him, talk to him, go places with him, have sex with him. I think most people work that way, right? He, however, is not accustomed to much attention and felt smothered. He also appears to be frightened by the label "Serious committed relationship". To him it goes hand in hand with getting older...growing up and taking responsibility...and becoming a "stick-in-the-mud". :)

I know we're much better off simply dating casually. I feel much better about the whole situation. More in control. We also decided that we would attempt to remain friends, even after the romantic aspect of our relationship fizzles completely. I think that he doesn't have many genuine friends...he needs every one that he can salvage.

I'm puzzled tonight, however. He called me a few minutes ago...we talked for a bit about our days and other mundane trivialities...and then he told me very sweetly that he missed me. When I was crazy-in-love with him that would have melted me in my boots. Tonight, however, I simply arched my right eyebrow and said in a very patronizing tone, "Awwww! Do you? Really?"

I'm incredulous and curious as to what he thinks he's going to accomplish with his statement. I suppose he doesn't realize how very detached I've become. He already feels more like a friend to me than anything else.

Hmmm...I suppose that I'm a person of extremes...either in something all the way, or not in it at all. I can't be just kind of involved.

All or nothing at all
Half a love, never appealed to me
If your heart, never could yield to me
Then I'd rather have nothing at all

~ Frank Sinatra from All or Nothing at All

I suggested to Steve on Friday night that we just be friends. We agreed to see each other still and still have sex, but not be dating exclusively. And rules were set about safe sex with other people in that eventuality.

Last night, Ken, Leslie, Sean, Shawn, Chris, Mami, Kelly (Sean's woman), and my sister gathered at my apartment to celebrate Sean's birthday. It was an evening of laughter, alcohol, Taboo, and movies. Fun...wholesome fun.

I spoke with Steve just a few minutes ago and he told me of his night last night. He got so drunk he doesn't remember everything he did. According to one of his friends, he ended up taking off his swimming trunks (after getting out of the hot tub) because a friend mentioned the size of his cock and someone encouraged him to whip it out. Then he walked bare naked into the house to get a beer. Reportedly, there were many, many people there.

When I asked if he was embarrassed he said no. He blames the alcohol...he would never do something like that sober. I scratched my head at that. I've admittedly done and said stupid things whilst drunk...and I've been embarrassed about them the next day, especially because I realize that I'd never have done those things without the alcohol.

I asked him if he had sex and he said he doesn't remember anything...he doesn't think he did. I seriously doubt he did because he is so terribly unattractive when extremely drunk (like most of us). Still, can you say "condom"? Or how 'bout "abstinence"? I don't think I'm going to be getting intimate with him any longer.

It's interesting that this morning I had already decided that I'm going to try sexual abstinence for a while. This just cements my decision. :) Sex has cost me too much over the last 6 years. It has added too much unnecessary stress and drama.

He's a great guy...very fun to be with...witty and clever...but he's just a bit too immature and reckless for my tastes. Perhaps I act too much like an old woman, as he says. Whatever. I guess I'll have to be content with my old, boring, "stick-in-the-mud" self.

I went to see my mom and dad last night and spent the night. We had a wonderful, traditional turkey day dinner with all the trimmin's.

And now I'm home. And I have to work tomorrow. And my head hurts. And I'm lonely.

I'm tired of being lonely.

You know what I want? I want to be in love and happy. That's it. Sounds simple, doesn't it? :)

He pulled away from the kiss, looked her in the eyes, and said, "I love you".

"I know, " she replied, her gaze falling down to her hands and then up again, falling back into two intense pools of black.

"Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have someone like you," he said, his hand carressing her cheek.

"Someone like me...," she echoed, arching one eyebrow.

He said, "I'm sorry. I know I'm not being a very good boyfriend right now, but...". She held up her hand to silence him.
"I'm just trying to figure a few things out..."

"Like whether or not you want to be in a relationship? Yeah, I know." She held his black-brown eyes with her grey-blues for a moment.

"And I'm tired of you not knowing."

A Pie

I spoke with Captain Random today in order to get that recepie for the heavenly Bailey's Irish Cream pie that Mrs. Captain Random made last year. It was good talking to him. :) I miss his insanity at the clinic. :)

Anyway, he's going to be doing social work type work! I told him he didn't need to be in this field...that he was really going to fuck someone up one day!

I've just been enjoying Tori's last CD Scarlet's Walk this evening and wanted to share some lyrics with whoever cares to read them. :)

"how did it go so fast?"
you'll say as we are looking back
and then we'll understand
we held gold dust
in our hands

from Gold Dust

"you have come to discover what you want"
what i want is not to want what isn't mine
"but i am desire" when it all is said and done.

does it all come down
to the thing one girl fears in the night
is another girl's paradise?

from Another Girl's Paradise

where the river crosses the lake
where the words jump off my pen and into your pages

do you think
just like that
you can divide
this you as yours
me as mine to
before we were us?

if the rain has to separate from itself
does it say "pick out your cloud?"

from Your Cloud

Just got home from seeing Guinness Clark's Wine in Huntington. Crystal and Trish went with me and we met up with some chick named Tiffany while we were there.

Good stuff. We had fun. :) They played two new songs tonight and generally kicked ass. :) I got a nice happy buzz, but nothing dramatic.

As usual, Crystal got hit on by some strange guy. I'm going to assume that he was married, as that fits with her current trend.

Steve is being ambivalent towards me again. For those of you who may not know the definition of the word, here ya go:

1 : simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action

2 a: continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite)
2 b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow

I'm too old for this shit.

I was thinking about getting a tatoo. Probably on my lower back. I was hoping to get an image of a snake eating it's tail with the body of the snake forming an infinity symbol. And then some pretty celtic shit around it. I don't know though...I'm probably much too big of a pussy to actually go through with it.

Well, I'm going to get some sleep now.

Meep!

"It is finished! It is done!"

Shoulders slumping, her breath came out a sigh. She closed her eyes. And then she started to breathe again.
She tasted freedom...and something else...something familiar, but not. Someting real, but also beyond reality.

Ah, yes, it was the Dew from the Mountains of Gilgamesh that the elders spoke of often. The proverbial nectar that would give one eternal energy...and it was rumored, eternal life.

And there it was on the tip of her tongue...her tongue...her tongue...sticky and lolling out of her mouth, a trail of drool running down her chin and onto her shirt. She startles awake to find herself sitting at her computer, where she has been for the past several days typing papers for graduate school.

A bottle of half-empty Mountain Dew stands on the desk...mocking her with it's greenness. But she simply laughs.

"It is finished! It is done!"

A Choice

I was so stressed and unhappy on Saturday night (not simply from my school work, but from the cummulative events of this past year) that I simply couldn't stop crying as I drove home to Beckley. Driving and looking out of the car into the night at all of the little dots of streetlights as I passed by, feeling that certain chill in the air, and smelling the cold sent me back to a time when a 15 year-old Christina sat looking out of the window at the same sight, filled with hope, possibility, and a little lonliness, and dreaming of her future. I had so many plans. So much hope. But I look at my life now and I'm dissatisfied.

Now, it's not like I haven't accomplished anything at all. I've made some wonderful friends that I plan on keeping for as long as I live, I've learned so much about life, love, and myself, and I have my B. A. in Psychology. Not too bad. :) The thing that I find dissatisfaction with is my continuing education in graduate school. I'm not excited about it...I don't want to be doing it right now. Right now, I want to take time for me. Right now, I want to do the things that I've always wanted to do, but never had time for. Right now I want to live and be young and a little irresponsible!!!!

And here's where the internal conflict begins. I want to follow my desires and my heart...but that booming responsible, logical voice inside says, "Christina! Don't be foolish! You must continue your education now! If you wait you won't ever finish! And what about becoming a psychologist and taking care of your parents? Don't let your family down by chasing after some childish dreams!!!" And my heart whispers quietly in reply, "Follow your heart! Chase your dreams! If you don't, you will live in a world of regret and what-ifs! Nothing is more horrible than never trying! Take time to do the things you want to do!"

I talked this over with Steve on Sunday night and he made me realize that it's okay and not selfish to want to follow my heart. It's okay to live my life for me sometimes. If I don't take care of me, no one else will. No, instead, the others will simply take and let me be a support for their dreams and goals. So I think I'm going to take a semester off from school. (I went back too soon. I'm still burnt out from undergrad.) And I'm going to focus on losing this 40 lbs. that I've been battling for the past several years and I'm going to learn the beginnings of guitar and piano. The way that I look at it, it's still self improvement and learning, but not self improvement or learning that the psychology world will recognize me for. And I can live with that.

A Night with Mr. Day

I went to see Howie Day in Morgantown last night with Cheryl, a lady from work. The show went from 9:30pm to 1:30am. (I only got home just a bit ago..I .haven't even been to bed yet.)
I saw him for the first time about a year ago when he opened for Tori in Columbus and was blown away by his vocal, lyrical, and musical talents. This past year seems to have been good to Mr. Day as he's even better now than he was before, if that's possible. Kick ass! He's added drums, bass, and electric guitar to his act, but he still continues to use the foot pedals for looping and adding echo. He's just too fucking cool, man. I bought his new CD and a t-shirt. I can't wait to dissect the content of the CD! :)

Howie didn't play the entire time, of course. He had two openers, who also rocked. The first was a very petite girl with a lovely face and voice called Charlotte Martin. She reminds me of a cross between Fiona Apple, Tori Amos, and Sarah McLachlan, so of course I loved her instantly. I bought her CD and her 4 track EP. I had her sign my CD cover sheet just for kicks and she gave me a hug. Later when I was waiting in line to purchase the second performer's CD, she came up to me and pecked me on the shoulder and hugged me again. I had to bend down quite a ways as she's probably only 5'1" or so. I think she was either smoking crack out back with Howie, a lesbian, or was fascinated with me because I'm so much bigger than she is. (Charlotte's thought process when she saw me again: Oh, my god! Look at that girl! She's fucking huge!!! I think I need to hug her again!!!)

Anyway, she's a very talented and refreshingly witty lyricist. She sang a song tonight inspired by a guy she had gone out with once and had a great time with, but he never called her again. She said the song was about trying to find this guy's address and the chorus went:

I’m normal... please date me
I won’t call you half as much as you call me
I’m normal... please date me
I have only stalked a couple guys but they were not about surprises
Don’t run away cause baby I’m your dream

A very pretty song and very fun. Of course, I had to buy an "I'm normal...please date me" t-shirt. :)

Howie's second opener was a young guy by the name of Matt Nathanson who reminds me very much of Howie himself. He has a beautiful voice and sings his sometimes rocking and sometimes slow and folkish melodies with such raw emotion. An apparently accomplished guitarist, he was all over the stage playing the fuck out of that acoustic guitar. As hard as he was strumming, I'm truly surprised that he didn't break a string. He, to, was awesome so I had to buy his CD as well.

Synopsis: For 17 dollars I got in to see three really rad budding artists...I bought 3 CDs, 1 EP, and two T-shirts spending a grand total of 88 dollars. Not too shabby. Well worth the refreshed, lighthearted feeling I now have. Now I'll concentrate my efforts until Thrusday night on writing these two bitching 15 page papers that are due Friday. Wish me luck! (I think I'll be fine.)

So you find me here
Lacking all that you want
Except for the way that I am with everyone

And I find you here
Loving all that you are
Especially the way that you are with everyone

And then I found you in my arms
And your warmth was enough for the moment

Found your body next to mine
All to be used up in a moment

And your warmth was gone in a moment
And everything, it was gone, in a moment

I saw the Matrix Revolutions this afternoon with Patrick and Kevin. It was worse than the second movie. Very boring. I had little emotional connection with the characters, except near the end...but it fell away eventually. Everyone over-acts in the film. I suppose they were trying to convey a sense of urgency...of everything coming down to the wire...by their overly dramatic acting. If they truly wanted to convey a sense of urgency, however, they should have shortened the movie by an hour, perhaps. To top it all off the fight sequences were mostly boring and the special effects weren't really all that good.

Go see it if you must, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Baby, I guess I'm on the other side. I understand your point of view, but I refuse to incorporate this aspect of it into mine. And I can't simply agree to disagree here.

You say the ball is in my court...but really it is in yours. My request is not unreasonable or unhealthy, nor am I trying to control your life and make you into this cookie-cutter image of what I want you to be. I am asking you to make a choice. A choice which will determine what I must chose.

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

~ K's Choice from Not an Addict

Ghosts, Ghouls, & the Goosey Girl

After it got dark at Cedar Point, Steve and I decided to make our way back to the U.R. Dade School of Mortuary Science (a.k.a. the haunted house), which was situated along the Frontier Trail, the old timey themed section of the park. The immense amount of fog pouring out of the tunnel that would lead us to that section of the park filled with quaint country shacks and houses cued us in to the fact that perhaps things had changed along the Frontier Trail since the sun had set on Cedar Point.

We walked blindly though the fog-filled tunnel, an erie blue light ahead illuminating the air so that we could just see the silhouettes of the people in front of us, nothing more. Once through the tunnel, we were met with almost complete darkness. The only light came from another strategically placed colored lamp far ahead. All we could do is walk closely behind those people in front of us, hoping that we did not become lost in the darkness. After walking a short bit, black shapes began rushing around and past us. I turned my head as one came close and found a hideous red-faced demon with large protruding fangs going past, gazing at me with a look of pure malice. The next moment, something let out a loud bestial, snort right next to my ear, so close that I could feel it's breath. I jumped and screamed and turned to find a hungry looking half-man/half-pig creature glaring at me and screamed again.

Steve laughed at my girlishness and I claimed "boyfriend rights" and began holding tightly to his arm. We made our way through the Fright Zone, as it was temporarily named, with it's patches of darkness, strangely lit fog, and diverse population of ghouls, monsters, and demons. The demons continued to periodically rush out and through the crowd, ripping a scream out of the crowd here and there. I was careful to make eye contact with every fiend that I saw in an attempt to keep them at bay. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it did not. :)

We finally arrived at the haunted house and waited in line for one hour. We were convinced that this haunted house had to be spectacular due to the length of the line...but we were wrong. It was mediocre at best, with slowley moving animatronic ghouls and skeletons. There were a few actors in the house which added a few moments of fear and hilarity.

In the first "room of terror" we found a guy dressed in a long dark robe with a ghoulish white and grey mask sitting behind a large desk. I walked past, rolling my eyes at how "terrifying" it all was. We turned a corner and began walking down a hallway when I decided to turn around and found the ghoul sneaking up behind me. I screamed, grabbed Steve's hand, and began pulling him forward all the while saying, Come on! We've got to get out of here!" I totally freaked out, man.

A moment later, we stopped and Steve and I doubled over in laughter at my excitability brought on by being so exhausted. Recovering a bit, we started to move through the house again. We walked down several halls, rounded corners, and all the while I kept looking behind me, determined not to be taken by surprise again. We walked around one corner and walked right by a clothes closet. I knew for certain that there was someone hiding in there and that he would jump out and scare the shit out of me if I gave him the chance, so I let Steve lead me forward while I looking over my shoulder at the closet. When I finally decided that whoever was hiding back there was going to stay in place behind the clothing, I faced forward only to slam straight into a wall. The guy in the closet burst into laughter along with Steve. I found the situation quite humorous, however I couldn't laugh because my face hurt. I stood there for a moment rubbing my nose and yelled to the closet guy, "Fucker! It's your fault!", which only made him laugh harder. :) There were a couple more scares and one of those psychedelic tunnel and bridge rooms that fucks with your sense of balance and then we stepped out into the crisp night air once again.

Cleveland Rocks

We decided to head on over to Cleveland to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before coming home on Sunday. After spending 5 hours in the building we had only made it up to the 4th floor when they closed and kicked us out. We had only just got to the U2 exhibit, damn it! Anyway, we ambled though the many rooms filled with clothing, personal effects, letters, checks, originial lyrics, records, instruments, posters, etc. of rock and roll's greats. A few of the things that stick out in my mind: a couple of Elvis' rhinestoned and studded jumpsuits, lyrics of Purple Haze written on notebook paper by Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon's leather jacket, Janis Joplin's glasses, Jerry Garcia's guitar, and lyrics of Lucy in the Sky written in John Lennon's handwritting on a sheet of notebook paper.

All in all, it was overwhelming. There was so much cool stuff to see in such a short time! Eventually you become desensitized to it all and your mental process goes something like this: "Wow. Another very valuable piece of rock and roll history. Wow. Something touched and used by one of my favorite rock and roll artists." I plan on going again whenever I have more time. :)

In conclusion, Steve and I had a wonderful time. Thank you, Mr. Perry!

Haunted

What a strange and fucking difficult week this has been.

Old feelings for someone, which have been haunting me for a while, sprang up and royally fucked with me. Extremely confused and overwhelmed, I broke up with Steve on Wednesday and then attempted to work out the mess in my head. I felt I couldn't be dating someone when I had romantic feelings for someone else. I had a couple of conversations with the person who incited the confusion to try and make sense of things. At times I was very angry, at others very hurt, and at others very relieved to have it all out in the open.

I realized in all of the chaos that I had broken up with Steve for all of the wrong reasons. I hadn't given him that chance that he had asked for and deserved. I couldn't get him out of my head on Thursday and I realized how much I have come to care for him. I knew that I couldn't throw it away and so I called him back on Thursday night and said that I wanted to give things between us a chance. He forgave me for putting him through hell and agreed to try again.

Our relationship previously was not perfect by any means. I felt that my needs were not being met...I felt that he was uncertain if he wanted to be with me and that was damaging to my self-esteem. Also there are behavior patterns and habits that Steve clings to that I could not then and still cannot support. But he says that things will be different. I will give them a chance to be different. Time will tell if we are meant to be.

As for my "old flame" and I, I hope that we'll be able to remain friends. I really don't want anything to break up the whole friend group...I don't want to go through that again. Nor do I want to call any unnecessary attention to our situation. Ben thinks that we should never see each other again, however I feel that by making contact taboo, it will place an unwarranted emphasis on it and make it all that much more appealing. Nope. I just want things to remain fairly normal. Again, time will tell.

For now, in all areas of my life, I am doing the only thing I can do...taking things one step at a time. We shall see what tomorrow brings. It is my hope that the events of this past week will be successful in bringing me a closure that I never had before, in exorcising my demon, and making me unhaunted.

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

~ by Poe from Haunted

House of Leaves

Steve and I went to Cedar Point this weekend as we had previously planned. We left and stayed in a hotel in Sandusky, OH on Friday night so that we would be rested for a full day at the park on Saturday. On the drive to the park on Saturday morning, I was leisurely looking out the window, when I noticed some very tall, dignified looking oak trees cloaked in the most vibrant orange and yellow leaves. My gaze went down to their bases where I found the ground littered with ornately carved white marble and grey granite headstones, tombs, and mausoleums. I asked Steve if we could stop, half expecting him to scoff at me and demand to go onward to the park, however, he agreed that he would also like to get a closer look. I turned around, drove back, and then slowley pulled through the black wrought iron gates of Oakland Cemetery.

Through the gate and to the left stood a small, grey stone funeral chapel with large oaken doors and stained glass windows and to the right was a large, white gothic revival farm house that functioned as the superintendent's house and office. I parked the car just past the funeral chapel on the left and Steve and I got out and began walking down the paved path among the headstones. Just down the path on the left was an enourmous headstone shaped like an open book standing on it's end with a name carved on each end cover: Sarah Moore and Maria Moore. Around the back of the monument, on the open pages, was a thank you from the students of the two women burried there, who were apparently sisters to each other, nuns, and educators. We continued walking, reading headstones as we strolled along, the sky overcast and grey, the trees stately and vibrantly colored, a light rain misting down , while fallen leaves danced and rattled though the air and over the ground. We pointed out pretty or unusual names to each other, tested the strange names on our tongues, made note of the dates of birth and death, and wondered together what each person's life must have been like.

The majority of the death dates were between the late 1800's and the early 1900's, so the of the tombstones were very elaborately decorated in keeping with the style of that time period. They were either grey, white, or red, in color and made of either granite, limestone, or marble. A few had epitaphs, many did not. Some had the words "Mother", "Father", "Son", or "Daughter" in addition to the name and dates. A few of the small ones didn't even have names of their own...just the names of their parents. We saw quite a few like this: Infant son of A.C. & B.L. Andrews Died 1893 or Infant daughter of C.L. & S.M. Michaels Died 1875. These tore at my heart. These little ones never got to know the joys and the pains that we take for granted every day.

Deep into the cemetery we came across a stone that looked like an old dead tree with all of the branches cut off. A family name, which I cannot remember, was carved in large letters on one side and the first name of each family member was carved near each branch stub all up and down the tree. Very symbolic and creepy. :) Probably one of the newest stones in the cemetery was shaped like a Harley Davidson Motorcycle and marked the grave of a 29 year old man...he died April 4, 2003. Another stone near the tree shaped one, was very simple except for a few musical notes carved around the name, which was Joyce Aydelette. Steve paused when he saw this last one, took out a pen and a scrap of paper and said, "I've found my daughter's name" and wrote down "Aydelette", tucking the paper away in his wallet.

We walked back toward the direction of the car, stopping at a few of the small family tombs to peer in the glass doors. The inside walls were done in white marble, the names of the occupants written in gold or silver gilt on the individual vaults, and the floors were covered in mosaic tiles. The glass on the inside of one of these crypts was dinged up a bit...sort of like someone or something had been beating on it...trying to get out. Steve commented that the whole scene was like out of a Night of the Living Dead movie: The curious young woman notices the ding in the glass and points it out to the young man. *Cue erie music* They get slightly creeped out, however continue looking around the cemetery. The young woman kneels down and brushes the lichen from a tombstone, attempting to read the inscription, when a decaying hand shoots up out of the ground and tightly grasps her wrist. Mmmmwwwhahahaha! Fortunately, no zombies attacked us as we made our way back to the car and said our final goodbye to the slumbering interred of Oakland Cemetery.

Rollercoaster of Love

We finally made our way to fantabulous Cedar Point and, determined not to let the rain and cold spoil our time, we marched off in search of our first ride. The entire park was decorated with a halloween theme, tombstones with clever epitaphs, skeletons, and ghouls dotting the greens, while speakers placed throughout the park played creepy halloweenish music and scary sounds, and fog machines filled the air with a thick rolling fog. In search of the entrance to The Raptor, we stumbled onto the Power Tower, which is a device that takes you 240 feet up into the air and drops you so that you have a momentary feeling of weightlessness. I just knew that my harness was going to come open and I was going to fall 240 feet to my very messy demise. Next we rode the Magnum XL - 200, a rocking 200 feet tall steel rollercoaster. After that I believe we scarffed down a couple of corndogs and then rode the Raptor, an inverted rollercoaster. We finally came to the rollercoaster of all rollercoasters, the Millennium Force. The Millennium Force has a 310 feet drop at an 80 degree angle and reaches up to 93 miles per hour! It's been a long time since I've been truly scared when riding a rollercoaster...this one scared the fuck out of me. Going up the hill, I looked to the side and I knew we were a long way up...but we just kept going and going and going. Once we reached the top, I felt the car get yanked over the edge and all I could see was the track below rushing up to meet us. Terrifying and exquisite! We rode it twice! :)

TO BE CONTINUED...

I broke up with Steve tonight.

Let me say, all things considered this was one of the hardest things I've done.

I feel like the biggest bitch in the universe right now.

Steve...please take care of yourself. I'll miss you.

what i'm feeling....

blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through

~Evanesence from Going Under

watching me wanting me
i can feel you pull me down
fearing you loving you
i won't let you pull me down

~Evanesence from Haunted

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

~Evanesence from My Immortal

despair...anger...confusion

more anger = (your actions belie your words) (your actions show a lack of respect for me) (you poison me)

lying eyes
biting tongue
hide behind a mask of control
again you lie
load the gun
smiling sweetly as you bleed my soul

and more anger = (don't do what you don't feel) (i'm not here to use at your discretion)

and maybe i'm just the horizon you run to
when she has left you
and me here alone on the floor
you're counting my feathers as the bells toll...
...do you know what this is doing to me?
here, here, here in my head?

tears and more confusion = (what exactly do you feel?)

I once knew a man
pale and thin
And he had eyes that could make
the Virgin want to sin
but with tears in my eyes
he pushed me away
and he said, “You’ll see…we'll keep it simple this way.”

pointless questioning = (if there were no negative consequence, what would you chose?) (what would I chose?)

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

confusion = (i don't know how to let go)

I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire...
...I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go


material quoted in order: c.l.g.; tori amos; c.l.g.; ani difranco; sarah mclachlan

I had a fantastic weekend. :) The Renaissance Festival was so much fun and just being with my boys (and Leslie, my she-bitch) was wonderfully theraputic. It's been a rough couple of weeks and I needed this time to have some unadulterated fun. So much happened this weekend, I simply don't have time to relate it all...and most of the people that read my blog were there anyway, so I'll just give a quick synopsis. :)

The Renaissance Festival

Burnsy and Leslie stayed sober as the designated drivers, leaving Ken, Shawn, Chris, and I to get stumbling drunk. We hit the Beer Garden first thing and then walked around drinking and looking in the shops at the weapons, clothing, and novelty items. We threw axes at targets while completely trashed...and I know I say it every year, but there's something beautiful about combining excessive alcohol consumption with throwing sharp objects. :) Let's see...we saw a comedy swordplay show, the Mud Show version of Beowulf, the pirate stunt show, a juggler, and a magician/comedian type guy.

During the magician/comedy show, Chris was selected...well, actually loudly volunteered to be an assistant and help strap the magician guy up in a straight jacket and wrap a chain around him. Dear god, was that ever fucking hilarious! The guy made his unsuspecting assistants put women's underwear on over their clothing before helping chain him up. Chris ended up wearing a fucking huge pair of light pink panties and the other guy was wearing a freaking 44DD hot pink bra! People recognized Chris throughout the rest of the day as the panty man. :) It was a fucking golden moment and I have pictures of it!!! :) I salute you, Chris Jarrett. I never knew that you had such balls.

The rest of the time during the trip we just kicked back, played euchre, and talked. I got drunk at the Ren. Fest and then sobered up and then got drunk again last night by doing vodka shots. My stomach got pissed at me right after I took shot #9 and tossed the buritto that I had eaten earlier back up through my stomach and esophagus. I was fine after that and slept like a baby. :)

No, means motherfucking no, Joe!

Chris's neighbor, Joe, harrassed me all night last night, trying to tag my ass. Initially he flirted with me and I flirted back, innocently, just having a bit of fun. I suppose he took my initial flirtatious behavior as a wide open invitation.
He took me aside trying to get physical with me and I used that opportunity to explain to him that I was flattered, and that he was an attractive guy, but I wasn't interested and I'm dating someone. I thought he would get the picture after that, however he kept grabbing my hand and rubbing my leg and neck. I didn't want to be mean to him and cause weird relations between him and Chris and Shawn, so I tried telling him again in a nice way that I wasn't interested. I think he took my, "no, but thanks" to mean "try harder". I talked to him one last time next door in his apartment, very bluntly telling him that his behavior was not appropriate and it needed to stop. I thought for sure after that conversation, that he would leave me the fuck alone. But nope, not Joe. He's one persistent motherfucker.
He continued to hit on me and I eventually had to resort to ignoring him and being very short with him when I did speak to him. I haven't had that much trouble getting a guy to take a hint to leave me alone since high school.

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts?

That was the only really unpleasant thing that happened this weekend. The rest was nice. I had a couple of really good, serious conversations with Chris and Berry Boy. The exchanges that I had with Chris in particular have made me very thoughtful and introspective this evening. I realize that even though I've learned a lot in the past year, I have so much that I need to figure out in my head. I need to better take care of myself inside...and I'm still learning how. I need to get my priorities in order and revamp my 5-10 year plan. My life has changed loads since I thought up the current one and it's sadly in need of revision. I need to sit down and figure out what I want in life and what I need to do to achieve those things. I'm going to look inside and find all of the things that bother me about me and improve myself by either changing those or learning to accept them. I have my work fucking cut out for me. :)

Chris, you seem like you have a lot of things in life figured out...at least on a level that works for you...and I admire you for that. I always learn from our communications and, with the way that you're always working to improve yourself, you make me want to be a better person. Thanks for challenging me. Keep in mind, however, that whatever wisdom you have acquired during your time here, you don't have it all figured out. :) Mind you, I say this with love and with a deep respect, but some of your views are simply defense mechanisms and some of your coping strategies are unhealthy and maladaptive in general. But I guess that we're all guilty of this to some degree from time to time. Anyway, thanks for being a friend.

Actually, I'd like to extend that "thank you" to all of my friends, whom I love very dearly. Thank you for your time, your laughter, and your love. Thank you all for the things that you bring to my life and for all of the things that you've taught me. May I never cease to appreciate you.

"Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling"

~ Silent All These Years by Tori Amos

My head feels like it's going to fall off.

Dear god, these midterms have been painful! I'm never doing a WebCT course ever again. At least I made A's. There is some comfort for my pounding head in that thought.

I'm excited! Well...excited and a little psychotic-feeling from lack of sleep. It won't be long before the hallucinations start up. That's always very entertaining. :) Anyway, I'm excited that I get to see my friends this weekend! Sean and I are about ready to head out tonight to the wonderful land of Ohio to visit with Master Shawn, Master Chris, Master Ken, and Mistress Leslie and so that we may attend the Renaissance Festival on the morrow. Huzzah! Huzah!

I've had one hour of sleep...I think it's a good thing that I'm not driving. I hope that poor Sean doesn't actually expect for me to stay awake the whole trip....

I was up so late because Steve came over and we had a nice chat. Basically, he apologized for acting like such a negative, self-pitying ass the past two weeks. I accepted the apology and we decided to keep trying at this dating thing. He promised to be a better boyfriend and better meet my needs.

I secretly suspect that he's actually using me for my washing machine. I get sex...he gets to wash his clothes. It's not a bad set up, really. I think I'm probably getting the better end of the deal...hmmm...wait a second...maybe not...the washer is a Maytag after all.

An explanation

On September 30th I posted that I was annoyed and never had the time nor the will to explain. A few of you have commented on it so let me try to remember what was "under my crawl" on that particular date.

Hmmm...I know part of it had to do with Steve. It had to do with my feeling...hmmm..."neglected" is not really the best word to describe it, really. Let's just say that I was upset at Steve's restrained shows of affection. He's uncomfortable with PDA to an extent that it, at times, makes me feel like he's ashamed to be with me. Very damaging to a relationship and to the old self-esteem. Actually, he's uncomfortable with affection in general, so I feel that I can't act freely with him, which is very frustrating and takes the joy and spontaneity out of our interactions. He goes hot, he goes cold, and I get confused. Actually...things have gotten a bit better in the past couple of weeks as far as his trust level for me. So maybe he'll warm up...and stay fucking warm!

The DJ that Almost Wasn't

On October 1st Steve called me after midnight and told me that they had yanked him from his radio shift given it to another jock who has been doing radio for 12 years, is lamer than lame, but kisses the station manager's asshole daily. Steve had poured his heart and soul into that show and had quite impressive ratings, actually the best in the Kanawha Valley for that time slot, but it was all taken away from him because of office politics. He had been demoted to only doing the station production and imaging. He was devestated and got drunk off of his ass, with my extreme disapproval, to numb himself.

His alcohol binge continued for a bit. The Saturday following his demotion we went to see a show in Huntington at the Stoned Monkey, and he drank himself over the edge of oblivion. I had to undress him and put him to bed...he had no idea where he was or who he was...and he did a few very unattractive things that night. During the next week or so, the poor guy began questioning whether or not he even wanted to continue in radio any longer. He had lost his direction in life. The bastards had broken him.

I was sure that "Regular Steve" was going to be retired, however Fate had other plans. One of the other jocks announced Monday that his last day at 105 would be 10/15/03...he had a better offer at another station. Being caught in a bind, management asked Steve to step up and fill in. He accepted, but on his terms. He now makes $4000 more per year, is salary, has medical insurance, paid vacations and holidays, and is permanent full time. Kick ass, baby! :)

This was just another reminder to me that life sometimes sends us what we've been looking and hoping for in ridiculous packaging.

Right Now

I'm half way through my mid-terms and so far I've made A's. I'm running on very little sleep and I'm still PMSing, but not so badly. I miss Steve and I'm very happy that he finally got what he deserves at work. I hope he quits constantly stressing and complaining about money now. If he does, I think our relationship will get better. I'm excited to see my friends this weekend. I've decided that I'm going to go on the Adkins diet either after Halloween or on Monday 10/20/03. I like my little apartment. I wish I had someone to sleep next to me tonight.

So I let crazy take a spin...

There are times when I truly hate being a woman. Mostly a few days out of the month, really, because of the chaotic emotional changes that occur during PMS that make it very difficult to deal with life. I've concluded that this feeling must be what a manic depressive individual with schizoid tendencies feels like daily. Today has been one of those days schizo when my emotionals have run the full gamut.

I took a nap after getting home from work and woke feeling disoriented, knowing that I had to study for my midterms which begin tomorrow. Then I think a little anxiety hit along with an extreme unwillingness to pick up a book of any kind. This only increased my discontent. I talked to Ben for a moment and I think I sort of felt a little jealous of him...starting a new life in a new and exciting place which appears to me to be overflowing with opportunity.

I started thinking about my life situation...and lonliness and despair hit me square in the gut. None of my best friends live in West Virginia any longer. I'm taking classes that I'm not enjoying at a college that I don't really want to attend, but forced myself to so that I would not become stagnant and overly comfortable. I've made little to no progress in my psychological and physical battle to lose weight and improve my self image. I'm in a relationship that is not entirely satisfying my needs...and I'm unsure if it has a future because of the instability of my partner's life and lifestyle. I've had to say goodbye to my ex-boyfriend who is my dear friend and more like an ex-husband. I'm 25 years old and I'm realizing that I want to be married within the next 5 years. I want to buy a house with my husband...and a new car...and have a couple of kids. And right now I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels.

God, what I would have given for someone to hold me earlier this evening. One would think that I should be able to call upon my boyfriend to serve me in this function, but Steve has his own drama in his own little wrapped up world, so I don't really rely on him for anything. So I ended up having a nice crying episode and then a nice long talk with Shawn's mother, Barb. She helped me make sense of a few things...put a few things in perspective. God bless that old she-bitch! :) I feel better now...not so overwhelmed and just a wee bit stressed.

I'm just so glad that I get to see my friends this weekend. It's been too long and I need some unbridled laughter and joy. Come to think of it, I believe Barkeep Chris had a supply of that in his liquor cabinet last time I was a guest at his fine establishment...Unbridled Laughter & Joy Whisky Liqueur Cordial (100 proof).

Today may be hard and you may feel like you can't continue...but tomorrow really is another day. Things can change tomorrow. I'll be fine. (Until the next time I feel crazy.)

and as soon
as you have
rearranged the mess
in your head
he will show up looking
sane
perfectly sane
if i know crazy

~Tori Amos from Crazy

Beginnings and endings...

I've spent the past week or so moving from my old apartment to a new one across the street. I'm now at 2432 instead of 2513. It's a lot smaller, but a hell of a lot cheaper, saving me $145 per month. It's quite cozy actually. I think I'm going to like it very much. :)

It was surprisingly hard emotionally to pack up and move out of the old apartment. I guess I didn't realize how much of a home it was for me and Ben. It wasn't a college apartment...it was our home. Leaving it was cutting that last relationship tie and it was hard. After the whole thing was clean I did a last walk through to make sure I hadn't left something in a cupboard or closet by mistake...and I said goodbye to each room. A few tears traced down my cheeks by the time I closed the door for the last time.

Ben left for Florida this week. Our last goodbye was very difficult. He left on Tuesday morning and I said goodbye to him on Monday. I started crying when he hugged me. He is my best friend and I'm going to miss him terribly. I regret that things did not work between us. There was a time when I only dreampt of being his wife and having his children...but that could not be. That dream died. Sometimes some things just can't be repaired...no matter how much you wish that they could.

Ben has opened a new chapter of his life, one that I hope will be happy and successful. And I'm moving forward with mine. In some regards it feels that our relationship was just a long dream and I've just come back to reality. I pray for happiness, peace, love, and whatever pain fate deems necessary for me to enjoy the rest.

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

~ Sylvia Plath from Mad Gril's Love Song

Grrrr.... *Christina is ever slightly annoyed*

It was such a beautiful day today. The sun was shining perfectly and the crisp, blue sky was speckled with islands of towering white clouds. I noticed as I was out that the leaves are beginning to change to yellow...to organge...to red. It finally feels like September outside.

Honestly, I think I've been a little impatient for autumn to get here. This time of year fills me with a sort of wistfulness. The smell of the air brings back images of me walking home from the bus stop after school, walking Marshall's campus in Huntington, raking piles of leaves and jumping in them when I was a kid...good stuff.

This weekend, on the whole, was nice. I went to visit my Uncle Charles in Lynchburg, VA on Friday. He had a stroke last Saturday, but he's doing pretty well considering. The right side of his body is numb, but he's able to move his arm and his leg with effort and concentration. His face isn't drawn, so that's a good sign. Actually seeing him put my fears to rest, but it's obvious that he's still very much afraid that he won't make a full recovery. I'll probably be making at least one trip per month to Lynchburg to give him encouragement and to lend support to my cousins. Charles is like a second father and my cousins are like siblings so I plan on being there for them as much as I can. On the whole, it was a nice visit...I just wish it was for different reasons.

I got back from VA late Saturday night and met up with Steve at the Comedy Zone and from there we went to the Sound Factory. We watched a local band called Split Nixon and they kicked fucking ass, biznatches! You can check them out at http://splitnixon.com. As Steve pointed out to me, the lead singer looks a hell of alot like Matthew and Gunner Nelson but his voice...my god!...his voice was awesome!! They actually did a couple Soundgarden covers and I when I closed my eyes I could've sworn that I was in the same room as Chris Cornell. It was that fucking good.

After the show we went back to Steve's apartment and I spent Sunday there as well. I just want to say that I am a very sexually satisfied woman. Steve Perry, I salute you!

Other news...my apartment is becoming too costly and it's really too big for just me, so I'm going to be moving...across the street. My landlady had a cheaper apartment come open so I think I'm just going to carry my stuff over there. I will also be killing my regular phone and getting a cell phone. I'll send out emails wih my new address and phone number to those of you whom I want to be able to find me.

Ben is moving in with Pat in Ft. Lauderdale in about a week. I wish you success and luck, Benjamin. I'll miss you.

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Steve called to wake me today, as he does most mornings, and we had a very productive discussion.

I told him he felt distant and stifled. I expressed my fear and doubt and my perception that his feelings of uncertainty had not yet been resolved. He stated that when he crept into bed with me on Monday morning and told me that he loved me and didn't want to lose me, that that was his nod to keep trying at this thing.

It seems so obvious now...but wrapped up in the fear that he birthed within me, I missed it. And so the problem of these past few days has been breathing within me. And it becomes clear how doubt and fear can strangle anything sprouting and struggling to grow. I must be mindful of this.

He also pointed out that perhaps I was hungering for a level of intimacy that we just haven't reached yet. I think this is true. This whole dating and new relationship deal is bewildering at moments. Especially for me, just having gotten out of a relationship that was more like a marriage than anything else. My whole view of the boyfriend/girlfriend thing is slightly skewed. I hope he'll have patience with me as I'm learning.

In time, he and I will learn each other's ticks and difficulties and, hopefully, we'll be able to avoid freak-out sessions like this one. God knows I can't take anymore drama. I'm too fucking old for this shit! Too emotionally exhausted by the past to deal with it.

For now the demons have been put into their slumber, and perhaps we'll be able to reach a nice peaceful vibe...and stay there for a while. I just have to remember to take life as it comes, to set aside my fears, and to be unafraid to burn, remembering that I will be one day be reborn wiser than before.

"All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love"

~ Sarah McLachlan from Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

On distance, desire, and comminication...

I've been in a strange mood the past couple of days. I'm a bit detached. I feel sort of like a snake, coiled up inside a tiny hole in my heart, peering out through my skin, and watching life happen around me. I'm a little little lonely now. I miss the openness of the connection that Steve and I had. It feels a bit stifled and distant. I most certainly hope that changes as it would be quite unfortunate to lose this beautiful thing that we've glimpsed together. I saw him for a bit on Tuesday night, but it was too brief. Yes...that's what's wrong with me...I miss the feel of his body next to mine in my bed. I miss that physical, mental, and emotional communion that we've touched upon.

I was reading previous posts this evening and stumbled upon this tidbit of wisdom:

"A friend pointed out to me once that happiness can only be found in yourself. The act of looking for happiness outside of the self, desire, causes pain and suffering. Once you become reconciled to what is, you find a certain contentment and peace. I keep forgetting that. It's so easy to forget."

And it seems that I have forgotten that again. I am happy with who I am, yet here I am feeling that there is something lacking. I suppose this feeling just stems from the fact that I've been looking for happiness outside of myself in the form of communion with Steve...and the fact that it may not work out invokes pain and suffering in the form of lonliness and this feeling of incompleteness. If only I could follow the good advice that I give myself, alas I am too much like Alice, fumbling around in my own little looking glass world.

Really, though, can one go through life completely focused on what is, and not give a care for what will be? I suppose if you have no desire whatsoever, then this would be possible. But what a boring existence...never to desire, never to reach out for more than what is. Hmmm...boring, perhaps, but less painful and dramatic. :) I suppose that if I could be happy always with the simple, quiet communion that I keep with myself, then it would work, but I cannot. I'm not built to be a buddhist. My soul is ever seeking communication and communion with others. Most of the world is the same, I think. And that is the inherent flaw in humanity and the reason for all of the suffering in the world. :)

I must reconcile myself to my failing, then. I yearn for communication, contact, communion...that's one of the reasons I keep this journal for the world to see. So why do I have this thirst for this commerce with others? It goes something like this: I have a great capacity to appreciate beauty in life and I take joy in and feel alive in those moments when I observe the beauty that is. When I am able to commune with and share that beauty with someone else, my delight is enhanced and I am surging, pulsing, throbbing, satiated with life. So I chance suffering for the hope of a brief euphoria. Sounds dangerously like an addiction to me. :)

I have ever hoped to find someone who can engage in this exchange with me. Someone who will allow life to be as perfect and as imperfect as it can be, yet be able to find the beauty in it all here along side me. Perhaps I have found him. Perhaps.

Time unfolds us.

"Twirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and, celebrate this
chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion."

~ Tool from Parabola

(Hot &) Cold Contagious

The past two weeks have been interesting, I suppose.

Last week Steve was going emotionally hot and cold on me and that was entirely unpleasant. Granted, he was very ill on Tuesday & Wednesday, so I must alllow him a certain sickness grouch factor...but there was more to this than a simple malady.

The long and short of it is that we had progressed fairly quickly in our relationship and he was feeling overwhelmed, unsure, and frightened by the thought of a serious and perhaps lengthy commitment. I most certainly understand his fears. I hardly expected to be involved with someone else so soon after ending my relationship with Ben...let alone to be so seriously involved. It is scary...but I've decided that I'm going to take life as it comes. If something presents itself to me and it's real and it's good, then I'm going to linger over it, enjoying it for as long as I can.

I told Steve that he needed to make up his mind as to whether or not he is willing to lower his defenses and trust me...and as to whether or not he's actually ready for a relationship of the type that I crave. I'm getting older and more impatient and I don't want to waste his or my time with something that's going nowhere.

I'm a bit uncertain about the whole thing myself now. Actually I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!!! I'm unsure as to how we'll interact from this point on. I fear that things may have already gotten too weird and we just won't be able to get back into a workable groove. There's a part of me that just wants to put the whole thing aside...it's the part of me that's tired out from stress with past relationships and that simply has very little patience left. And then there's the part of me that wants to believe, and try, and hope, and love.

I'm trying to gag the voice of doubt and let this optimistic part of me take control. Like Steve said, if we let this thing go without trying, we'll both regret it. And there are those things that I'm just not ready to lose...like his beautiful smile directed at me, his charming wit, the hot, sensuous kisses we share, the way it feels when we make love, and the way his body feels next to mine as we fall asleep. I'm far from finished...but now I'm afraid because he has made me afraid.

"but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like
better than to fall
but I fear

~ Sarah McLachlan from Fear

I have a small penis. So small, in fact, that it is sometimes called a clitoris.

A sort of birthday...

Today I am 25 years old. A quarter of a fucking century old. It's pretty frightening really, to think that a fourth of my life is spent. (If I'm lucky. Who knows maybe half or maybe nearly all of it is used up. Spooky.)

I slept in today and went out to eat with Steve at Bennigan's. My family members all called to wish me happy birthday today...but for some reason I feel a little saddened by this birthday. Twenty-five. *sigh* I think I'm just getting older and getting closer to settling down and having a family...and I'm afraid that I'll never do that, maybe. I want to be in love and happy and have stability and security. One of these days I will have all of these things, but for now, I suppose that the first two will have to do. :) Don't get me wrong...I'm not looking to get married or have a family right now. But within the next 4 or 5 years I'm going to be ready to be a wife and a mother. I never thought I'd utter that phrase, but there ya go. It's strange. I can feel the change coming over me. Whether it's a psychological process of maturation or mainly chemical with my hormones and body being driven to reproduce while I still can, I can't tell. I can just feel it.

On riding the wave...

As happy as I am with Steve, it looks to be a short-lived sort of happiness. He's getting paid shit wages at Rock 105 and he's been submitting resumes to other stations in bigger markets. He has an interview in Virginia in about a month and it's very likely that he'll land the position. I want him to succeed and he must certainly go if he gets the job, but it'll suck for me. A long distance relationship just won't be possible. I'm not built for one, nor is he. That will be the end of that. And so here I am, waiting to crash down.


"Sweet you rock
And sweet you roll
Lost for you
I'm so lost for you
You come crash into me
And I come into you"

~ Crash by Dave Matthews Band

With the help of some Gatorade, Pringles potato chips, and Mr. Perry, I was able to recover from my little hangover. Of course, my bender didn't do anything to cure the bladder infection. Nope. Instead it progressed into a kidney infection which kicked my ass on Saturday.

My side was hurting all Saturday morning at work and then I went over to Ben's to watch Spirited Away (which I really enjoyed). The pain kept getting worse and worse and became more focused toward my back right side. By the time the movie was over, I couldn't move without pain. I went to the doctor's office and sat alone, hunched over in a chair in misery for 2 and a half hours until they got me examined, diagnosed, and prescribed antibiotics. I then went to Rite Aid to get the Rx filled. While there, I walked around slightly hunched over with this sort of Ozzy Osbourne old man walk and everyone looked at me oddly, but I didn't care. I was in pain, damn it!!! By the time I got home I was crying, it was hurting so badly. I went to bed and the magic of Cipro, several Advil, and a night of rest put me back on my feet again. Oh yes, and the McDonald's food that Cyndi brought me. I know the power of the golden arches helped me somewhat though that ordeal. :)

On Sunday night I felt well enough to go to the Regatta to see the fireworks. It was a decent display...about 25 minutes long. The highlight of the evening, however, was when this 10 year old little boy came up to me and asked me, "Hey! Tall lady! Tall lady! Can I have you're phone number?" I looked at him and laughed and said, "Don't you think I'm a little old for you? I mean what could we possibly have to talk about on the phone?" He replied, "What? You can't be any more than 18! We'll have lots to talk about, as pretty as you are." I laughed at the sheer guts (or stupidity) that this kid had and told him, "Okay. My number is 4. Don't forget it!" He then said that he needed 6 more digits at which I said "buh-bye" and walked away. I felt very dirty after the whole exchange was through. I've been hit on my old men, by teenager, by scuzzy men, and by attractive men, but never had I been hit on by a 10 year old boy. I felt a little violated, I think.

I went back to work on Tuesday and thus far they haven't mentioned anything about firing me. :) It's become a joke around the clinic now that we're all daily playing "Dodge Box", trying to keep afloat one more day in that wretched place. *sigh* I remember a time not too long ago when I was passionate about my job. Now I'm just getting burnt out by bad management. What the hell does it matter if I do a good job? No one's going to notice! And I live in fear of getting fired for some petty reason every day. Oh well...I guess job security is just too damn boring for me. I'm living on the edge, baby. Woo haa.

What else? I started my graduate classes on August 28th, so I have started down the path toward obtaining my M. A. in Psychology. Huzzah!

And things are still going good with Steve. You know, we all have that little mental checklist of things that we're looking for in a romantic companion...and honestly I'm in shock at meeting someone who very closely fits my mental criteria. He's intelligent, career oriented, creative and talented in the arts, he's funny as hell, he's sincere and very straightforward, he responsibly pays his bills, he keeps a clean house, he cooks. He does all that and he treats me with respect, tries to take care of me, and tells me that he thinks that I'm beautiful, intelligent, and just plain special. Wow. So no wonder I agreed to date him exclusively when he asked me recently. What girl would pass up being treated like a fucking queen?

But now, I'm off the market again. I didn't think it would happen so quickly...but here I am. I'm a little skiddish. I don't really trust human nature in general. I'm sure things will fail eventually. All things must come to an end...all things will pass. I'm just going to ride the wave until it comes crashing down on my shore.

Oh dear god, I'm nauseous.

Last night I hung out with Ben and I was feeling a bit of the bladder infection coming on...and someone once told me that alcohol can help cure one of those...so I got drunk. I got painfully drunk while Ben and I played Soul Calibur II, which kicks mother-fucking-ass! So now I'm here...it's 5AM...I've taken all of my sick days and I'm sick as hell. Stupid, stupid bitch.

Steve came over this morning after getting off of work and he's taking care of me. He's a very good man like that. Well...he's back with something salty and some Gatorade...so I'm gonna go.

Let's see...last weekend Ben and I visited Shawn and Chris in Columbus at their new apartment. T'was lots of fun with all the drinking of beer and playing of cards.

On Saturday evening we all wound up sitting on the little patio, the boys reminiscing over old AD&D adventures while I simply listened and laughed at their stories. Chris and Shawn's Scottish/Irish personalities took over sporadically and they began talking in thick accents that made their words mostly unintelligible for short periods of time. During one such fit, Chris took off and threw his shoes, belt, shirt, and finally his pants over the patio fence out into the apartment's community yard. Shawn also took his shorts off and tossed them over the railing. Shortly after, Chris went running around the yard, babbling while collecting his discarded clothing and wearing nothing more than a pair of gray boxer shorts. Good times with good friends. This is what life is all about. :)

After my return to St. Albans, I met up with Steve. I really missed him and from his reaction to me upon my return, I know he felt the same. He and I vibe well together. Everything is so easy and uncomplicated at this point. I'm sure it won't stay that way...nothing stays simple for long. But I'm going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

Thoughts on Mr. Perry: The things that strike me most about this man is how genuine and humble he is. He's very straightforward...no pretention to him whatsoever...and I really respect that. He is someone who knows himself and is not afraid to be himself. I assumed, because of his career choice, that he would be a sort of cocky, self-centered kind of guy, but he's very humble and very considerate of others. I feel that I'm fortunate to know him.

Other thoughts: I miss my friends. I wish we all lived in the same city so I could just roll on over and hang out to my heart's content. Something in me feels a little lonely right now without them near.

Cyndi and Steve have kindly been updating me on just how much of an ass I actually made out of myself this past Saturday. I think I'm not going to go to the Comedy Zone for a few weeks in hopes that I'll be forgotten. Yes, it was really that bad. The account that I posted on Sunday was my recollection, but not the whole story. Apparently, I was fortunate enough to have large portions of my memory of the night erased by the alcohol. (I didn't need those brain cells anyway.)

One such embarrassment was when, according to Cyndi, I nearly started a fight with another drunken girl. It went something like this: I was standing talking to Brian at the bar and then he went in the back. While leaning against the bar two girls approach and the drunk one tries to order a drink from me. I look at them and say, "Do I look like a fucking bartender, bitch?" If Cyndi hadn't been quick to apologize for me, I could have had one drunk-ass, redneck wench beating me down. Also, I apparently went on a "your mom" humor rampage for about an hour while we were at Dwight's. I told Cyndi that her mom fucks lesbians or something to that effect. I also shook my ass at a few guys that were heckling me while I was dancing. I'm a class act, baby. Oh yeah. Real sexy. *sigh* I'm so fucking embarrassed!

Yeah...I'm pretty sure that it was as bad as New Years...except I was in public. Cyndi had two options: to get mad at me or to simply laugh at me. She chose to laugh (alot), God bless her.

I freaked Steve out a little, I know. I apologized to him for acting like an ass at a place where he was working and representing Rock 105. He shrugged it off like the kind soul that he is. :) I'm seeing him tonight for the first time since then. Four weeks into seeing each other and I may have killed it already! Wooohooo!!! Way to self-destruct, Christina!!! Well, he can't be too freaked out, I guess...he's still calling. (Stupid bastard. He has no idea what he's signed up for does he?)

I think I should come with a warning label: Warning! Delicately balanced chemicals within! Do not shake, prod, poke, annoy, or disturb in any way lest your left testical shrivel up and fall off!

Good morning!

So, why, you might ask, am I up so early in the damn morning on Sunday? Well I'm going to tell you!

I'm starting to become a regular at the Comedy Zone and I'm getting acquainted with one of the bartenders in particular, Brian. Brian is a very nice guy who has been bartending for about 7 years, lost his license due to a DUI, and wants to go back to school to become a nurse. Brian is a very good bartender and makes kick ass drinks!

Anyway, Cyndi and I went out to the Comedy Zone last night and being in a strange mood, (PMSing) I told Brian to surprise me on a few drinks. The first he brought was a Long Island Ice tea, which was very strong, so I was smiley by the time I got to the bottom of the glass. The next was a Purple Lobster which was de-fucking-licious and Cyndi took sneaky sips and drank about 1/4 of it. (Sneaky bitch! You're lucky I didn't shove my straw through your gosh-darned eye!) I digress...so, back to my ever exciting story...the next drink was a Sex on the Pool Table, which was also quite yummy. Cyndi out and out stole that one and I ended up drinking her Sex on the Beach. (Hey! Wait a minute! Stupid whore stole my drink!!!) I don't even know what the hell the next one was and I didn't care. By this point the comedians were fucking hilarious and I was fucking trashed as hell. Four little drinks and I was on cloud fucking zero-niner.

After the show I walked (which required much concentration at that point) over to say hi to Steve before he headed out with his friends. I don't really remember what I said to him. I'm sure it started like this: "Hi! I'm drunk!" Why is it that all drunk people feel that they have to announce to everyone the fact that they are currently intoxicated? I'm sure that the goofy grin, the glazed over look in the eyes, the slurred speach, and the inability to walk properly are a dead fucking give-away!!!

Anyway, Cyndi decided to take advantage of my drunk ass and got me out on the dance floor. I shook my groove-thang with the best and worst of them for several minutes. While dancing I was pleased to notice that there were mirrors surrounding the floor and I was able to watch myself dance. (Hey it takes very little to delight me anymore. I am a simple woman. "Mirrors! Pretty! Yay! Yay!") I've decided there are two reasons that the club put those mirrors up: 1 -- To let those that can actually dance but might have been slightly overserved watch themselves dance so that they can make sure they still look good doing it. 2 -- To call the attention of the people who are making asses of themselves on the dance floor to the fact that they are making asses of themselves on the dance floor so they can sit the fuck down! Luckily I was one of the former and actually have never been one of the latter. May I never ever go there.

So after getting a little sweaty, we walked back and talked to Brian while he was ringing in his tickets. I, being as nice as I am and as drunk as I was, volunteered that we would give him a ride home. After all, he had gotten me good and wasted, he also lives in St. Albans, I know he's not a psycho killer because Steve and I have given him a ride home before, so why the hell not give the guy a ride? While we waited he brought out cheese sticks. Some guy approached me and started hitting on me while Cyndi and I were chowing down. I got a little mischevious and started talking to him with my mouth full of food and chewing with my mouth open where he could see. I figured he'd get grossed out and wander away, but no. He probably didn't mind what was in my mouth at that moment and was concentrating at what he wanted to put in my mouth later. I finally told him that Cyndi and I were going to "take the bartender home" and gave him a wink. He laughed and gave Brian a pat on the back and called him the man or something like that and Brian played along. Well...it was true in a way. We were going to take the bartender home.

We danced again and then came back to see if Brian was ready and to my dismay Steve came back to say hi. He had been hanging with the comedians and, unfortunately, watching me dance. For some reason I never intended to let him see me dance...maybe because I'm afraid that I don't dance as well as I think I do. Anyway, I don't remember much of that conversation either. He had a Ramones t-shirt on and I think I told him that I had one like it and had almost worn it.

Finally Brian was ready to go and we all piled in the car. Cyndi required some food so guess where we ended up! Yup! That's right! My favorite restaurant in the whole fucking world, Dwights!!!!! I realized just how fucking trashed I was when I could barely read the menu. It took at least 4 seconds for me to make sense of each word and I was started to feel a little overwhelmed when the waitress came back to ask me what I wanted. I ended up ordering the next thing that I focused on which happened to be chicken quesadillias. That was lucky. It just as easily could have been brown beans and cornbread. I hate brown beans and cornbread, but I would have ordered it and had to eat it to save face.

We took Brian home and Cyndi brought me home. I made her come in with me to check for creepy people hiding in my house. You never know...the convenience store sniper could have given up sniping outside of convenience stores and taken up hiding in young women's closets and gutting them like fish in their sleep. It could happen.

After Cyndi left, I was still sort of awake so I decided to call up Chris. It was 1 something in the morning and I'm glad that he wasn't sleeping. I remember parts of our conversation...and I just want to say that I'm sorry for subjecting him to my drunken ass blathering. Thanks for being a sport, Chris, you old cock-eyed jackal, you!!

I passed out around 2:15 AM. Steve called at around 3AM and I never heard the phone ring. I was O-U-T. I woke up at about 7:45 sweaty and feeling like every drop of moisture has been sucked out of my body, topped off with a mouth full of dried mucus. Delightful! I staggered upstairs and downed two full 16 oz. glasses of water and came down here to type this thing. Before sitting at the computer, I took a moment to look at myself in the mirror. Damn, am I beautiful! I am one fucking hot chick with my mascara slightly smudged under my eyes and my hair all tangled and mussed from sleep. Dead Sexy!!!!!! I feel pretty good, however. For some reason I don't get really bad hangovers anymore...and I think that's partly due to the fact that I don't drink as much as I used to on my binges. I've learned my limits. I know what it takes to fuck me up and I stop after reaching that point. I think my parents would be so proud of me. :)

Well, I'm going to go upstairs and have one more glass of water and then I might try to get a little shut eye. Again, good morning!

Sorry for the silence. Life has been a bit busy and crazy lately. Where to begin? Well the night after I last posted, my friend Cyndi and I went out to the Comedy Zone in Charleston. There I ran into a guy I had met earlier in the month at my friend Nick's house...and he went home with my phone number.

A bit of history: The weekend of July 13th I stayed the night at Nick's. The next morning his friend Steve came over to take him to Lolapalooza in Ohio. I recognized Steve as the DJ "Regular Steve" from Rock 105.1 and ragged on him about not giving me a free CD or t-shirt the weekend before when Zac and I went to the Comedy Zone. We chatted for a few minutes and I left to have breakfast with Zac and Tator and that was that. Over breakfast I asked Tator if he knew if Regular Steve had a regular girlfriend or was he open to dating? (I know it's a lame joke...my excuse is that I am a dumbass and I truly need no excuse.)

Anyway, I have to drive past the radio station every day on my way to and from work. For the next couple of weeks when I drove by and saw his car there, I would think about leaving a mysterious little note with my phone number on it. But then I would come back to reality and think how fucking weird and psycho that might seem. (Crazy? I'm not crazy...well...maybe a wee, wee, wee bit.)

Anyway, while at the Zone with Cyndi on July 26th I was approached by Steve and he asked me to hang out after the show. We sat and talked for a while and then he invited us to go down to Mulligan's to hear a band. So a bit later I was sitting on a bar stool at Mulligan's enjoying the band and the company that I was keeping. Steve confessed to me that after meeting me at Nick's he had asked Nick to arrange a meeting between us. Nick simply gave Steve my phone number and told him to call me. So for the two weeks that I was thinking about leaving my number on his car, he already had it setting on his dresser at home but was simply too afraid to call for fear of seeming weird or psycho. :)

During our conversation that first night, I asked him his last name and he hesitated, winced, and said, "Perry". I instantly burst out laughing and broke into song: "Don't stop believing...hold on to that feeling...Street lights...People...". And then I said, "You're kidding, right?" His response: "Um...no...I'm not." I laughingly apologized for picking on him and then thought of Baseketball and couldn't help saying, "Steeeeeeeve Perry!". Luckily, he was amused.

Since the 26th, Steve and I have seen each other about every other day. He's a really nice guy, he treats me with respect, he's very driven to advance in his career, and he's funny as hell. We have a lot in common and from the beginning our personalities clicked. :) Of course, that's what usually happens whenever you first meet someone that you're interested in. Well...we'll see what happens. Am I ready for a relationship right now? I'm not really sure. But I'm just taking it as it comes...one day at a time...one moment at a time.

I finally got my blog working properly again! Hurray me!

My templet was very out of date so I got a new one...and modified it to look like my old one. What excuse can I offer? Change is difficult. The important thing is that it's working and you don't have to wait a century for it to load. :)

Thoughts right now....I'm tired. I'm a little lonely, but I don't mind being alone. I'd really like to fall in love again. I'd like to make love again, not simply have sex. I want to feel that moment of awe and power and life that comes with exploring and cherishing the one you love. I want that one to love me in the same awestricken manner. I had it once and it was beautiful. But we rarely appreciate those beautiful moments when we are experiencing them. I'm trying to learn to appreciate every little detail and occurance in my life. Wish me luck.

Jeez! Working out kicked my ass this afternoon!!!!
I figure if I keep this up, I'll have no fucking energy to do anything, but I'll look damn good! :)

A Sad Day at the Methadone Clinic

It is as I feared. Captain Random is no longer employed at the clinic. He called the Program Director today and called back to give me messages to relay to certain individuals. This whole "sitchie" pisses me off. There are counselors at work that are probably farther behind than he was...it's just dependent upon luck, I suppose. He just got nailed, poor bastard. I hope that he keeps in touch. I'll miss him. One thing is for sure, my vocabulary has been irrevocably altered through my daily interaction with him for the past 7 months. Words like "sitchie' (situation) and "dealio" (deal), "choo choo" (train) and "pee pee" (penis) frequently find their way out of my mouth now. Take care, Enrique! Watch out for the "peters" (patients)!

Christina vs. The Volcano

Earler, after munching down a bowl of Special K Red Berries, I began watching a show on volcanos on the History Channel and I ended up falling asleep on the couch. The show was messing with my dreams. I dreamt that Ben, Chris, Shawn and I were going through some magic portal that put us on top of a volcano that had cooled just enough to form a thin cap over the mouth. We all kept getting covered with ash and I was worried about the others getting buried for good. The weird thing was that it was freezing on the volcano top...the ash reminded me of snow, I guess. That and the air conditioner was on full blast upstairs. :) I woke up very confused about an hour ago with numb arms and a puddle of drool on my pillow. Well I'm going to bed.

Sleep tight and watch out for the mon chee chees!

I went out with a few girls from work and my sister and sister-in-law on Saturday night. We went to Chi Chi's and then filed down to Atlantis Night Club.

Dinner was great, however the club was lame. The Convertible Blondes were playing and they were somewhat entertaining, but overall being in the bar left a bad taste in my mouth. I was in a bit of a pissy depressive mood so I just sat back and people watched. As I looked around I saw nothing but lonely, empty people trying to fill that emptiness with alcohol, loud music, flashing lights, dancing, and the hope of taking someone home. And I was there with them...one of them. I went to have fun...to forget about my concerns and troubles and to lose myself in a few beers or on the dance floor. But I sat watching and realized how futile their search and mine truly was.

A friend pointed out to me once that happiness can only be found in yourself. The act of looking for happiness outside of the self, desire, causes pain and suffering. Once you become reconciled to what is, you find a certain contentment and peace. I keep forgetting that. It's so easy to forget.

So I'm just going to try to be happy with what is...to live in and be happy in the moment. And if I notice things I am unhappy with I will do what I can in the moment to change them...but I will not dwell on the future. And I will not dwell on that emptiness inside my chest. The more you dwell on it, the more you feed it, and the larger it becomes.

So I'll just ignore it. Maybe it will go away.

Here's another Saturday. I will attempt to amuse myself with the company of my family and the company of some ladies that I work with tonight, in hopes that I can rid myself of the bad taste that this week has left with me.

Captain Random

Work has been more stressful than usual this week due to some interesting decisions by management. First of all, my dear co-worker Eric will no longer grace the clinic with his peculiar humor and his eccentric ways. Due to being behind in progress notes and due to being not very good at this documentation, he is being let go by management. He was told of this possibility last Friday and has taken all of his sick days this week to ensure being paid for them. He has a doctor friend that owed him a favor and wrote him an excuse for the whole week. The poor boy mysteriously developed an inner ear infection that can cause nausea and vertigo.

I'm greatly annoyed at the reasons he has been giving for his imminent firing. Eric and I trained together and we were never trained in how to write a proper progress note. We were told to document what we did, but now how to do so. I, being extremely anal, took that to mean that we write every little detail. Eric, being not so gifted as I with the written word, took that to mean that we document what was done and very breifly what was discussed. About two months ago they threatened him with possible discharge and I sat down and taught him how to write progress notes. Since then he's been catching his charts up, but it seems like they already had their minds made up.

I approached his supervisor yesterday and asked how far behind he actually was. She told me most of his charts hadn't been written in since May. I pulled three of mine out for her and showed her that I too had not written in many of mine since May. She then said, "Well...your case notes are more detailed...". I pointed out that everyone was behind at least to May because of the case load. She floundered a little. This whole situation makes me nauseous.

Eric called me earlier in the week to get a feel for what was going on with management and to tell Kevin "the dealio". Everyone has been asking where he has been, and everyone is afraid that he's quit or been fired, and I haven't been able to tell them. He is the guy at work that can make you laugh no matter how upset you are. He's one weird motherfucker, that's for sure, but he's well liked. Morale is going to plummet when this news hits the rest of the staff on Monday. But what can you do?

Here's to you, Captain Eric Random, Driver of the Choo Choo! You will be sorely missed!

Catching up is hard to do...

I know you're all aware of the fact that my case load and every counselor's case load at work is ridiculous. As a result, we're all at least two months behind in documentation. I usually go in and work on Saturdays in an attempt to get caught up. Today I got up and went in as usual and I was told to either go home or get written up since it was not my assigned Saturday to work. How fucking ridiculous is that? It's not like I fucking claim it on my goddamn time sheet! I'm there because I have about 7 patients that only come in on Saturdays and if they get take-homes for two weeks, sometimes my designated Saturday to work is not the Saturday that they come in to get their medication and I end up missing them totally!!!!! I'm also there because Saturdays are valuable days in which I can write progress notes and file paperwork!!! It appears that they do not want to allow us to get caught up. It appears that I, Aeon Flux, may be following Captain Random out the door if this continues. Motherfuckers.