I think that I might have some serious issues.

I had a dream the other night that I was driving down the road alone, the sun was shining, and I was grooving to the radio. Suddenly that annoying high pitched squealing/static noise of the Emergency Broadcast System interrupts By the Way by the Chilli Peppers and I listen as the announcer explains that Iraq has released a strange virus in the U.S. and starts describing signs to watch for, etc. One thing that was mentioned to look for was dead rodents.

I kept driving and then I started noticing dead squirrels hanging from the power lines. I just thought, Hmmm...that's strange, and kept driving. A few minutes later I stop at an intersection and look out of the window while waiting for the light to change and I see a pool of blood on the sidewalk. My gaze shifts upward and I find a grown man, clad in a white longsleeve button-up shirt, dress pants and shoes, and a tie, tangled up in the power lines and dripping blood on the ground. The light turns green and I drive onward only to find 4 more males dressed in business attire, a couple with their brief cases and cell phones still clutched in their hands, all tangled up and dangling from the power lines and dripping blood on to the ground.

And I just kept driving.

Wow. I was fucking blitzed the last time I blogged. What's all that shit about life being beautiful? Yeah...that was the alcohol talking.

Anyway, I just wanted to let all of you people know that I'm not dead...yet. The clinic I work at is doing remodeling and recarpeting and the building has been open until 8pm every night. So, of course, I've been staying till at least 5pm every night. There's something warm and fuzzy about working 4 hours overtime every day and not getting paid for it. Wooohooo! Yes, I realize that am a dumbass for working like this. The first step to recovery is recognizing that you have a problem.

It's just the fact that I have 67 patients and there's so much shit to keep track of, so many people to see, and so much paperwork to write up and file! Ben's getting concerned about me exhausting myself and I understand his concern and appreciate it. He's right, I cannot continue to work like this and maintain any type of sanity or healthy lifestyle. The past couple weeks all I've had energy to do is come home, eat something fast and unhealthy, and then fall into bed. My co-workers have even expressed their concerns. Kevin, Joey, and Bruce keep trying to convince me that I'm never going to get caught up. Eric and Sara just shakes their heads at me every evening as their heading out the door. One of the nurses, Dottie, asked my why I was at work every damn Saturday when I only have to work one Saturday per month. Yes, I realize that I have a problem. I truly could be on the path to becoming a work-a-holic. Luckily the new Program Director announced that she will be leaving the building at 2:30pm every day and that all counselors are to be out of the building by that time also. So worst case scenario I can still be working 5 hours of overtime per week (with no pay) but that's better than working 10 or more, right? :)

Truly, I need to get my head on straight in this area or I'm going to screw myself in others. Since I've been working all of this overtime, I've gained 4lbs back that I had lost. Not good! I haven't had the time nor energy to work out and I never got back with that guy about taking guitar lessons. And I'm sort of losing touch with my friends because I hadn't checked my email all week until today! :) I need to refocus. Breathe in....breathe out...breathe in...breathe out...turn in a circle...you are the center of the universe...you are the center.

I did, however, get suckered into going up to the center that just opened in Beckley Tuesday of this next week to help with intakes. I don't remember exactly how it happened. Tanya (the new P.D.) was saying something about one of our counselors not driving up to Beckley to help with new admissions after next week...she asked if my parents still lived in that area and I said that they did...the next thing I know I said that I would go up on Tuesday to check it out to see if I liked it. She's hoping that I do like it so that I can work there for her on Tuesdays and Thursdays for the next month or so. We have alot of people who live closer to Beckley and who want to transfer...but we can only send as many transfers as they have counselors to do the paperwork. If we lend them counselors then the transfers happen faster and our caseloads go down faster. (Hypothetically. In reality, our intake numbers seem to have increased.)

I realize that I'm tired and that last little paragraph may not have made much sense. But I understand it so it's okay.

I'll leave you with some random thoughts:

I ate too much pizza this evening and my belly is bloated like I have a shit weasel or something growing in there!!! I watched Super Troopers and laughed and giggled. My boyfriend plays alot of computer games on my computer. I think I might be developing allergies 'cause I have a runny nose. At the times when we think we have things mostly figured out in life, something unexpected and confusing will come along to fuck up our peace of mind. My Christmas tree is still up. Sometimes I think about my friends and my family and I love them so much that it hurts right in the center of my chest. How often are we actually aware of experiencing and feeling love for someone? Have you ever stopped and watched yourself feel that way and really enjoyed it? Been awed by the beauty of human emotion? (You should try it sometime. It's kinda fun.) The day before yesterday the sky was a perfectly beautiful shade of blue. I took a moment and walked out on the back steps at work (since my office is right next to the back door) and savored the color of the sky, the green of the trees, and the bright, bursting yellow flowers on a bush just up the hillside. A strong March breeze was blowing my hair away from my face and I could hear the windchimes from the house just up the hill jangling in the wind. I turned my face up to the sun for a moment and closed my eyes and felt happy. I like the wind.

So here I am...drunk again! This is becoming an uncomfortable trend. :)

I just watched American Beauty again. And I cried like a baby at the end when Kevin Spacey's character when dies. So much...so much beauty in the world. And sometimes it truly does hurt to see it all. And sometimes we look forever and can never see it.

Today at work I was talking to a co-worker about the war. I told her that is was no use to worry about the future as we can't change it. We just have to take it as it comes and live life as we have it and love every moment that we have. If I were to die tomorrow...well...I've had a good run. I had a wonderful childhood...wonderful parents and siblings. I've had good friends that would do anything for me. I've been a good friend. I've been a good sister, a good daughter, a good granddaughter, a good employee, a good student, a good girlfriend, a good lover. :) I could die knowing that my life has not been a waste that and that I've had a good time and learned alot during my time.

Sometimes it does hurt when you ponder how much beauty there is in the world. And how much sorrow. And how much they're mingled together.

Maybe it's just the pinot grigio talking. :) Goodnight.

I have a picture of a woman exposing her boobies set as my background. And I have a hangover. The world was spinning when I opened my eyes at 9:30 this morning. So I decided to lay right where I was until 10am. Then the overwhelming desire to urinate won and I was forced to stumble to the bathroom.

I don't think that I put this boobie picture on my desktop, but I'm not sure. I don't remember much after Ken and Ben and I started prank calling people. I don't remember going downstairs last night. I don't remember taking my clothes off, which I must have because I woke up wearing a nightshirt thingie. I don't remember if Ben and I had sex. I just switched birth control pills and it's 7 days until they're effective so we better have used a condom. If I get pregnant over this shit I'm going to be pissed as hell. Anyway, I'm pretty sure we would have used one...maybe. Fuck. :(

Things I do remember....All three of us crawled in that little closet in my living room and Ben and Ken made the stuffed animals in there do sexual things to each other. I lost interest after a few minutes and came out and tried to read The Preacher for a bit, but I had trouble focusing on the words...and figuring out which comic block/bubble I was supposed to read next. Who would think that alcohol makes it hard to concentrate? I remember that we ate alot of potato chips and dip. I remember talking to Shawn and he was also drunk. Drinking alone last night...poor, poor bastard. I remember talking to Chris and telling him that Top Gun was a fucking stupid movie...which it sort of is and sort of isn't at the same time. Ben and Ken called Mary and possibly woke her up at 1:30am. We called Pat but he wasn't home. He called us back at 4am and called us a bunch of pussies on the answering machine because we'd all already passed out.

Well I'm pretty munchie right now...and very dehydrated. Ben and Ken are calling for us to go to Tudor's Biscuit World. Nothing like eating greasy ass breakfast foods when you're feeling a little woozie. :)

All this fun from 3 and 1/2 Miami Ice Teas.

Yes...I realize that I spelled the word "boobies" as "bobbies" when I posted last. I didn't mean to do it...and that's why it's funny...and that's why I'm NOT changing it. :)

Let's see...what's new? Well I'm carrying a case load of 66 patients at work, about 30 of which I see weekly. The rest I'm required to see either bi-weekly or monthly. Stressful. They've also decided to update our treatment plans so I have to learn a whole new tx plan system. The excitement never ends. Today is the 4th Saturday in a row that I've worked. I had to work last Saturday, however today and the other Saturdays I was supposed to be at home snoozing. I, however, feel this strange need to get my patient's paperwork turned in on time so that they can properly be taken care of. I've GOT to stop caring so much. I'm exhausted.

I was thinking yesterday about the impact of names of a person's personality. I work with a girl named Sara Buzzard. When I first came to the clinic and walked down the hall past her door and read that name, I instantly imagined her with dark hair and being a sort of brooding person that only wears black and such. It turns out that my guess wasn't very far from the truth. Honestly, Sara Buzzard reminds me very much of Wednesday Adams. She has very dark plainly styled hair, bright blue eyes, very pale skin, she's a tad on the fleshy side, and wears black often. She doesn't show much emotion when she speaks to people. When emotion is shown it's either annoyance or sarcasm. And so I wonder, is her behavior related to her last name and her perception of and association of that name with the idea of a vulture? Possible. Hmmm...an idea for future research.

I walked into the chart room several weeks ago and heard a muffled little girl's voice saying "Die, die, die!" over and over again. I looked around and found Sara sitting in the back of the room filing paperwork. I stopped, sort of spooked, and asked her in a hushed voice, "Did you hear that?" She stopped filing to listen and the voice stopped. She gave me an odd look and said that she didn't hear anything and then went back to filing. A second later the voice started chanting "Die, die, die" again. I looked at her to make sure that she wasn't making the noise and she was not moving her mouth...and it seemed to be coming from the next row of charts. I looked down the aisle but nothing was there. At this point I was a little freaked out. Then Kevin walked in the room and I grabbed his arm and said, "Can you hear that?" He laughed and then said, "What?" with a knowing smirk on his face and just got a chart and left. At this point Sara started laughing and the little girl's voice stopped chanting. She confessed that she's able to throw her voice, but she can only say the word "joy" over and over again. The only problem is that it sounds like the word "die" when she says it. She scared the shit out of me. I thought I was losing my bloody mind. :)

Hmmm...saw The Ring last week. I felt very compelled to copy the DVD and send the copy to some random person in the mail. :) I will agree with the majority that it was pretty good for a scary flick. It creeped me out, anyway. That night I saw the little girl, Samara, in my dream. And then I sort of woke up...the dream and reality sort of faded together and I thought I saw her standing in my bedroom doorway. Fucking creepy as hell. I closed my eyes and started praying and then opened them. Of course, the image had faded, but it scared the shit out of me. I hate my fucked up brain sometimes.




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Wet Boobie Syndrome

I fell into oblivion at 6pm....alas, I did not reach my dream of seeing little blue men beheading tangarine colored bunnies.

Ben didn't have his door key so I awoke, very bewildered, to the sound of the doorbell repeatedly dinging. I ran up the stairs, threw open the door, and just stared dumbly as Ben came in and sat down his backpack and jacket. I then followed him upstairs thinking that a nice glass of water and some food would be a good idea.

Being as sleepy as I am...and being who I am...my coordination was, needless to say, not at it's peak. The first drink I attempted to take from the glass of water found it's way down my shirt rather than into my parched mouth. There was a sudden inhalation of air as the cold water washed down over my bossom.

So I'm suffering from wet boobie syndrome for which no one has found one tried and true cure. I'm tired, and lonely, and so confused. Please help me...please. I'm going to cuddle in front of my heater until my bobbies dry and then I'm going to bed.

Zombie

I've been awake for 31 hours and 20 minutes.

In this zombie-like state that I'm in, (with my tanks and my bombs and my bombs and my guns) I somehow managed to actually get some work done today. I also somehow managed to survive a pt. yelling at me because his/her last two urine screens came back positive for benzodiazepines...and somehow it was MY fault. Actually the pt. was pissed because he/she will have to attend the clinic more frequently. You break the rules once and you get a warning. Twice and I take your goodies away. I had to take goodies away today and the pt. was not happy. :)

I think this sleep deprivation clouded brain thing I've got going on allowed all that stress from the screaming pt. to just bounce right off of me. Normally I'm like a freaking sponge when it comes to situations like that...I instantly internalize all of that icky stress and anxiety. Today I've been just too fucking tired to care.

Somewhere in the back of my head a little voice was saying in response to this pt's bitching, "You better shut the fuck up or I'm going to fuck-start your head!" If only Benicio Del Toro or Ryan Phillippe had been there to save me.

Jesus Christo, I feel fucked up. I'm tempted to stay awake until I start hallucinating...I'd like to see little blue men biting the heads off of fluffy tangarine colored bunnies. That would be cool.

Blood Work

When a patient is admitted to our clinic they have a physical exam and blood work done. The blood work comes back about 3 weeks later and the counselors are required to discuss the results with them and, if necessary, refer them to a doctor. More often than not, the clinic Medical Director will scribble a little note on the side of the results detailing the condition or dangers indicated by the numbers shown. My co-worker Eric got some blood work back on a patient his second week working as a counselor. The pt's labs showed a possibility of risk for diabetes and the Medical Director had made a note to that effect on the side of the page. Eric, however, was having difficulty reading the doctor's handwriting at that time. He ended up telling the patient that he had "disasters" in his blood stream. The patient then promptly freaked out and shrieked in horror , "Oh my god! I have Hepatitis C, don't I? Don't I?"

After the pt. left, Eric realized his error and made a note to tell the pt. the correct results on his/her next visit. A few days later Eric tells a pt. that he/she needs to get checked for diabetes because his/her bloodwork shows indication of diabetes. The pt. freaked out yet again, stating the he/she is perfectly healthy. And then Eric realized that he told the wrong pt. that they had diabetes.

I think he finally got the right person to the doctor. For treatment of diabetes...not disasters. And if a long haired hippy looking dude ever tells you that you have disasters in your bloodstream, make sure you give him a swift kick in the jimmy!

A Wee Hour Blog

My friends made it across the country safely, surprisingly enough, and we unpacked the Uhal on Sunday afternoon. Since then we've just been chilling at Old Lady Berry's house. (Old Lady B kicks ass!!!) Ben and I left Columbus at 10:00pm and got home at 1:15am. We would have been home earlier, but we got stuck in traffic for an hour due to a nasty little wreck on Route 35.

Not that I minded the delay really. In spite of the fact that I have to start getting ready for work at 3:00am. :) It gave me a chance to appreciate that patch of night sky hanging over that stretch of West Virginia farmland. I had forgotten just how full of stars the sky actually is. (Or was, considering the fact that the stars producing those bits of light are zillions of miles away and the light of a star that burned out long ago just may be making it to us.) Normally the city drowns the stars out, but there was no city, no streetlights, and no houses on that strip of road. Just the line of cars ahead of us and the darkenss and the sky. I like moments like that. Moments that force you to be still...to look around you and think.

It also gave Ben and I a chance to talk about a little of everything. We talked about the past and the future. About our families and friends and our hopes and fears. We agreed that we had both hurt each other deeply in the past. But we also agreed that, even though we did not wish to cause the other pain, we do not regret the past. The past taught us painful lessons, gave us deeper understandings of love and life, and shaped us into the people that we have become. I have always believed that in order to gain understanding and knowledge, we must sacrifice something of ourselves. The process of learning and growth is a change. With change there is always a price...always a sacrifice. I feel that what we have learned and gained has been well worth the pain and sacrifice.

We are each in the process of healing ourselves now, and it will take time to recover from our pain. That actually is one of my New Year's resolutions...to heal and make peace with who I was and who I now am. I'm not sure how long it will take (let alone if it can even be done within a year's time) and I'm not sure where it will lead me, but I'm moving forward.

I'm learning to love myself again. If I find something inside of me that I don't like, I try to change it and then keep moving forward. That's all you can do really. Ben and I were talking about how we really only have two choices when we encounter a difficulty in life. We can either sit down, simply exist, and let that problem overwhelm us or we can keep pushing, keep trying, and keep moving forward until we overcome. It's my opinion that I have enough of my Grandmother's stubbornness to allow me to keep pushing forward. Piss-ant or not, I'm a survivor. I ain't gonna give up! I ain't gonna stop! I'm gonna work harder! :)

Sorry about that. I swear that I will never (intentionally) quote Destiny's Children lyrics on this blog ever again.

I had a wonderful time these past two days. Being with my friends was very theraputic and comforting and I find myself feeling happy and peaceful...at least for the moment. :) I also had fun with Barb (a.k.a. Old Lady B) this weekend. Ya know, it's really odd, but I get along with her better than I do women my own age. I like the fact that she doesn't just welcome me as one of her son's friends, but also as her friend. She's an intelligent, classy woman woman with a good sense of humor and a strong will. She's been through a lot of shit but came out standing, and I greatly respect her.

Hmmm...it's 2:57am and tiredness is just starting to creep in. And I have 11 hours until I can be home again. I'm fucked. :)

Let's see...random thoughts to close my blog: I'm happy that Chris has moved nearer. I'm sorry that Pat is still so far away. I have an ache inside that's lessening with time. I have no fucking clue what I'm going to wear to work today. I wish I had sick time because I'd stay home and sleep. I'm blessed to have such a wonderful family and such wonderful friends. My friends are actually a family to me. One day I believe that I will have an answer to my biggest question. One day the people that I love will find what they're looking for and they will have their answers too.

I don't think "one day" is today, but try to enjoy it anyway. :)

Today is March 1st and I realized that I've still never taken my Christmas tree down.

Some may think that this is pathetic. Perhaps it is. Some may think that I'm lazy. Perhaps I am. I prefer to think that I'm trying to "keep Christmas in my heart all throughout the year" like the reformed Ebenezer Scrooge.

Christmas is a time that has nothing but good memories for me. Cold winter nights spent at home warm and with my family. My mom would bake alot of cookies and other goodies and we'd all sit in the living room together munching and watching TV or watching the Christmas tree lights and talking. And we'd talk about the things we wanted to accomplish in our lives. And our parents would share memories of their childhood and adolesence. Good times. :)

But we all know the truth. I'm just a pathetic, lazy biatch that hasn't gotten around to taking her tree down. I wonder if I should leave it up and just change the ornaments according to the seasons? Nah. Too much work. :)

On to other exciting news...

My workplace is alive with gossip and rumors. I've been anticipating the day when I would hear a rumor about me. Eric, Patrick, Kevin and I have been trying to spread the rumor that I'm really a man who's just undergone cosmetic surgery and hormone therapy to become a woman. We were telling people that I'd be getting my vagina this June. Unfortunately, no one bought it.

Finally last week I heard my very first rumor about me. Cyndi (Matt's wife) told me that people are saying that my co-worker Eric and I are a little "too friendly" with each other. When I take my 15 minute break I'll go to his office and bullshit for a bit, and he also comes to mine on his 15 minutes break. Sometimes, however, I'll go downstairs and sit and talk with Kevin or Patrick. Hell, sometimes I talk to Cyndi or Andre or Lumpy or Joey. But for some strange reason one or more of my co-workers thinks that since I talk more frequently to Eric, well, I must be sleeping with him. Perfectly logical, right?

I have never in my life worked with "professionals" who act so juvenile. Some days I feel like I'm back in high school again. :) I have my suspicions about who most likely started this rumor/gossip. Once I'm sure who it is I'm going to give him/her/them a little talking to.

And other fun stuff....

My friends Chris, Shawn, and Pat are on their way across this great nation in a Uhal. Today is day three of their travels and I'm guessing that they're probably somewhere in Kansas or Missouri by now. I hope that they haven't run any more people over or killed any more hookers. They're not exactly in the ideal getaway car and they're definately not inconspicuous. :) Safe jorney, boys.