I worked at the clinic in Beckley a couple of weeks ago, which only has female counselors. I did not belong. And I did not belong because there is no cursing at the Beckley clinic.

I was in the chart room in the morning and I dropped a chart that I was holding and softly said, "Shit!" and I was met with wide eyes and gasping. I thought to myself, "Oh fuck." So I spent the rest of the day not cursing and growing more and more irritable. At the end of the day I got in my car and let out a string of non-sensical obscenities. God, did that ever feel good. :)

I learned a valuable lesson that day: Cursing has a place in my life. A few months ago I was trying to cut back on the nasty words because I thought that it wasn't very attractive for a woman to have a mouth worse than that of any typical trucker. But, hell, who am I trying to attract? Fuck it, I say. Fuck it right in it's ear.

I had an hour session today with one of my patients. He's usually very quiet but always seemed sort of aggravated underneath his pleasant demeanor. At first I thought that he was simply uncomfortable with me, but then decided that it had to run deeper than that. So today I asked him why he seemed faintly irritated under the surface all of the time. We started exploring this supressed anger and found that it led back to himself, of course, and surprisingly enough, to his wife. The patient shared things with me today that he had never before verbalized or shared with anyone else. It was a very successful session and well worth that hour of my time. As he was leaving he turned back and he thanked me. The look of appreciation in his eyes was very rewarding. Anyway...I think I'm getting better at my job.

Every day I'm learning more and more from my job and my patients. What I'm realizing now is that people often look outside themselves for something to make them happy. My patients tried to find happiness though drugs. Some people use work, sex, relationships, food, alcohol, video games, movies, etc. But happiness can't be through any outside source. I realize that I can only find happiness in and from myself. No one and nothing else can do that for me. I must make peace with myself, learn to love myself, and learn to live in the moment and enjoy now as it's happening to me. External things such as relationships, food, sex, etc. can compliment my happiness and add pleasure to my existence, but they cannot bring me happiness.

sometimes I wonder if I am
or if I am was lingering

and the new has now come to distract me
for only this moment?
or will I be taken again into years of wondering
and wandering

I am learning to fear the moment
if it only lives in the moment
and never beyond

and never beyond

I've had a very restful weekend. Spent the whole time at my folk's home in Eccles alternating periods of sleeping, eating, and reading The Sound and The Fury by William Faulkner. Great book! Beautiful imagery and I love the stream of consciousness writing and the way he plays with words!

We watched Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. The first half was fairly interesting...the second half sucked shit.

I just watched Amelie with Ben. A fantastic and whimsical movie! I'll own this one. :)

And how is Christina at this moment, while she's waiting for the laundry to dry so that she can go to bed?

Maintenant...je suis contente. (Right now, I am content.)

Dose she love me? Dose she love me not?

Whenever a patient is absent for more than three consecutive days, it's policy to call and see why they've been absent and if they intend to return to treatment. Today I decided to do my weekly callling of absent patients. Now one of my patients, who I will refer to hereafter as Bob, has been absent for 7 days and I couldn't get hold of him when I tried to call last week, so I dialed his number again today. Here's a summary of that conversation:

Ring, ring
B: Hello?
C: Hi, Bob? It's Chris Garris.
B: I'll be damned! Chris.
C: I'm just calling to check up on you. Why haven't you been to the clinic?
B: Do you want to know the truth, Chris?
C: Yes, please.
B: I faked my admission into the clinic. I am not and never have been addicted to Oxycontin. I bought a couple and took them the day before I came to the clinic just so
they would show up in my system. I'm an alcoholic. I just wanted to see if methadone would give me a cheap buzz. It didn't so I decided to quit before I got addicted to
it.
C: Well...I don't quite know what to say. You're a very convincing liar. And while I'm glad that you're not addicted to Oxycontin, I'm shocked and disappointed that you
would do such a thing.
B: Chris?
C: Yes?
B: You know, you didn't call because it's policy or procedure.
C: I didn't?
B: No. You called because you're in love with me. And you just don't know it yet.
C: Um...Bob...I'm afraid you've got the wrong idea. First of all, the patient/counselor relationship boundaries disallow any type of outside relationship between a patient at
this clinic and a counselor. Even simple friendship. Secondly, I'm in a long term relationship. And, sorry, I'm not in love with you.
B: Well, that's because you haven't gotten a chance to really know me as a person. Just give me one date. Meet me at Chilli's tomorrow and we'll hit the bar and talk.
C: No. I'm very flattered, but no.
B: Come on. Just one date. Just meet me at Chilli's tomorrow after you get off of work.
C: I'm sorry, Bob, no.
B: Can I call you tomorrow at work?
C: You can call me, but I'll only be able to talk to you if you wish to discuss your treatment.
B: Then I'll call you tomorrow and the next day and the next day until you decide to talk to me about us.
C: This conversation is inappropriate and I'm ending it now.
Click

So...I think I might get stalked or something within the next couple of weeks. Exciting, eh? I reported this to my supervisor and to the program director and documented it in the patient's chart. They said that if he returns to treatment, they'll transfer him to another counselor. Probably Terrance, our big, tough, black dude. :)

While this whole situation is somewhat funny it is also a little frightening. Bob was a wee bit too insistant and a wee bit too intense for my liking. I found that I was apprehensive every time there was a phone call for me for the rest of the day. Oh well, I'll just shake it off, watch my back, and trust my male counselors to protect me.