This living alone stuff is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Ben and I went and worked out at the Nautilus yesterday afternoon. After that we grabbed a healthy Subway dinner and went shopping at Kmart. (I needed knives. Never know when you're going to need a good sharp knife to chop someone...um...er...something up.) (I bought the 14 piece Martha Stewart knife set. When has Martha ever steered me wrong in the past?)

Anyway, after Kmart we said our goodbyes and went on with our individual evenings. I came home and worked at cleaning the living room. And god was I lonely. It's hard to adjust to total silence when you're used to hearing the constant clicking of the computer keyboard. I do miss Ben...but I know that this decision that we made is the best one for both of us. We need to grow as individuals for a while. After we resolve the conflicts within ourselves maybe we can piece back our relationship. Maybe.

I'm not unwell...I'm just fucking crazy.

I hate PMSing. I'm at the stage right now where I'm having violent mood swings. I recognize that it's happening but I have no power to control it. One second I'm laughing and having fun and the next I'm crying and yelling at Ben and the next I'm laughing maniacally. I miss sanity.

The high stress of the events of this weekend most certainly aided in weakening my mental stability. Ben moved his stuff out on Saturday with the help of Shawn and Chris. We all then drove down to HInton and spent the night with Burnsy. Sunday morning we yanked our collective ass out of bed to go whitewater rafting on the Upper and Lower New River. That was exciting and terrifying all at once. More excitement this trip than last and not as cold. But still a little cold. Our guide flipped our raft on purpose on a Class 2 rapid. Ben and Shawn kept trying to fall out of the boat. I guess they didn't like it there.

Ben says we need to go to Taco Bell. Mmmm...Chicken Enchilada Bowl.

I saw the Matrix Reloaded yesterday with Ben and my coworkers. Overall I enjoyed it. The beginning of the film was mostly special effects with a little bit of plot. The fight scenes with Neo at the start hold no suspense. He pretty much whips 'em silly and fucks 'em stupid. There's a pretty pointless sex scene with Neo and Trinity while all the other people at Zion are attending a sort of tribal rave/dance party. The last 20 minutes of the film actually gets pretty exciting and just when it gets really interesting..."To Be Continued". Now we only have 6 months to wait to figure out what happens.

As many of you know, Ben and I have had a very turbulent relationship. Recently I have been doubting whether or not we should continue and expressed this to him. After many hours of discussion, arguing, agony, crying, and holding one another we've decided to start dating again. We're going to seperate...Ben is going to move out and we're going to try to start over in the relationship. If we are successful at rebuilding the damaged parts, we'll eventually move back in together. If we are unsuccessful, it will be easier to let go and remain friends because we won't be dealing with the pressures of living under the same roof.

Ben, we have been through hell and back. You have been my constant companion and lover. You are my best friend and I never want to lose that. Your touch in my life has helped make me the woman that I am. For the first time in a long time I have hope for us. :) I love you. Thank you for loving me.

I'm so tired. And depressed. And my throat hurts again.

I'm just going to go to sleep now. Bye.

Sometimes I think that I'd like to fade. To disappear just a little. And silently watch everything going on around me. To watch everyone living and being as they are with themselves. To watch the day unfold like it does whether anyone is watching or not.

I'm three shots of vodka into the drinking and holding. The good news is that my tongue doesn't hurt anymore....the bad news is that the left side of my throat still hurts a bit. I really need to get some rest.

I watched my niece this morning. Everytime I'm with her she wins me over more and more. You've never witnessed anything as beautiful as a growing and unfolding life.

I saw a lady in the theater tody that had gone to watch X-Men alone. She sat in the very upper right hand corner of the theater. As I noticed her I felt a sort of pity for her. There I was surrounded by my friends and she was all alone and I thought, "How sad she must be!" And then I realized that she may very well be content with her situation and it was presumptuous of me to assume that she was miserable. A person alone can be complete and totally happy. A person surrounded by others can feel totally desolate and alone. A smile doesn't indicate happiness and vice versa. Never jump to conclusions. Never assume anything.

Ben, Ken, Shawn, Chris (Ken's bro), and I saw the second X-Men movie today. It was pretty fucking groovy. Kinda lost a little momentum there at the end but overall it was a good flick. Magneto was awesome. I'll agree with Ben that Mystique was developed a bit more in this movie and she's a pretty bad ass character. Nightcrawler kicked much ass. And Wolverine is stil as sexy and as aggressive as ever. I was impressed with Jean Gray's character this time and look forward to seeing what becomes of her in the next film. :)

I forgot to mention yesterday the fact that I had strep throat a week ago. I went to the doctor and got 7 days worth of antibiotics and I was doing well...until today. For whatever reason I still have blisters or bumps on the back of my tongue and my throat just started really hurting again today.

So tonight I decided to take shots of vodka. That always helps when you're sick, right? So far I've had three. Ken, Shawn, Ben, and Janice are upstairs drinking and watching Jackass the Movie. I think we're going to play Scrabble later. I'm sure I'll pass out in about a half hour because I got up at 3am to go to work. (when I didn't have to, of course.) So much for my grand plans of going to the club and chilling with my coworkers.

Maybe next life.

I've been a little less faithful in my posting lately due to a lack of anything amusing or interesting happening in my life. It's pretty dull these days really. I get up...go to work...come home...eat dinner...clean or do chores and then fall into the oblivion of sleep. Day after day after day.

Sometimes fun things happen at work. Like this last week I had CPR and First Aid training. I am now certified and have the ability to save someone's life if they go unconscious or stop breathing....maybe. I say maybe because it was a rather rushed class and the instructor didn't much seem to care if everyone was doing everything right or not. I was actually interested in learning this stuff so I actually paid attention...but others just slept. And their performance with the dummies showed it. So sad, really.

Anyway, fun things....um....oh yeah. As I walked up to the dummie to take my turn my earring fell out of my ear and into the dummie's open mouth. My instructor said, "We haven't gotten to the choking portion of your training yet!" My he felt very clever after that comment. Good for him.

Whenever anything interesting happens in my personal life it's usually a bad something. Like my mother's recent galbladder attack, or Ben's mother's recent low blood pressure episode, or mine and Ben's recent relationship issues. It happens that our mothers are fine and we're doing okay. Endless excitement.

But I suppose everything that happens in my personal life isn't bad. For instance I met my sister's love interest, Chriss from Boston. Chriss seems like a very intelligent and responsible individual. He's very focused on earning money right now, but that's not a bad thing, I suppose, as long as it doesn't rule his life forever. He said he was trying to make enough money so that he can buy enough real estate and eventually live off of the money he earns from rent. A good plan, I'd say. He took us out to dinner at The Chop House, which is one of the most expensive restaurants in the city, and that was fun. I understand that he currently makes about $120,000 per year at the young age of 26 working as an engineer for the US Navy. I didn't feel too bad about letting him pay for my meal. He treated my sister with affection and respect and that's more important to me than his bank roll. I want her not only to be financially secure but also to be happy. And she is happy with him. He makes her glow...and I like that. :)

My sis drove in in her new C230 Mercedes Benz Kompressor and I got to drive it. It was awesome! It memorizes your driving patterns and learns to apply extra pressure to the breaks when you need it and it corrects itself if you swerve suddenly. There's no way she should be able to wreck that car. And if she does it has 8 air bags so I think she'll survive. The stereo system had like 8 Bose speakers and a 5 disc CD changer. The computer stores all sorts of neat and useful statistics about your driving and your car's performance. Really groovy stuff. :) I learned that a Mercedes Benz may be a very expensive car, but there's a reason for that. :)

Other good stuff...my friends are in this weekend and we're going to see the second X-Men movie! Wooohooo! I'm also going to see if they're up for going to Atlantis Night club tomorrow night. Some of my boyz from work are going to be there and I wouldn't mind hanging with them for a bit...and I wouldn't mind grooving on the dance floor. It's been far too fucking long since I've danced.

I plan on describing all the fun of this weekend in detail. Until then let these words be your mantra:

I've got no strings to hold me down
To make me fret or make me frown
I had strings but now I'm free
There are no strings on me

from the Disney Movie Pinocchio