Grrrr.... *Christina is ever slightly annoyed*

It was such a beautiful day today. The sun was shining perfectly and the crisp, blue sky was speckled with islands of towering white clouds. I noticed as I was out that the leaves are beginning to change to yellow...to organge...to red. It finally feels like September outside.

Honestly, I think I've been a little impatient for autumn to get here. This time of year fills me with a sort of wistfulness. The smell of the air brings back images of me walking home from the bus stop after school, walking Marshall's campus in Huntington, raking piles of leaves and jumping in them when I was a kid...good stuff.

This weekend, on the whole, was nice. I went to visit my Uncle Charles in Lynchburg, VA on Friday. He had a stroke last Saturday, but he's doing pretty well considering. The right side of his body is numb, but he's able to move his arm and his leg with effort and concentration. His face isn't drawn, so that's a good sign. Actually seeing him put my fears to rest, but it's obvious that he's still very much afraid that he won't make a full recovery. I'll probably be making at least one trip per month to Lynchburg to give him encouragement and to lend support to my cousins. Charles is like a second father and my cousins are like siblings so I plan on being there for them as much as I can. On the whole, it was a nice visit...I just wish it was for different reasons.

I got back from VA late Saturday night and met up with Steve at the Comedy Zone and from there we went to the Sound Factory. We watched a local band called Split Nixon and they kicked fucking ass, biznatches! You can check them out at http://splitnixon.com. As Steve pointed out to me, the lead singer looks a hell of alot like Matthew and Gunner Nelson but his voice...my god!...his voice was awesome!! They actually did a couple Soundgarden covers and I when I closed my eyes I could've sworn that I was in the same room as Chris Cornell. It was that fucking good.

After the show we went back to Steve's apartment and I spent Sunday there as well. I just want to say that I am a very sexually satisfied woman. Steve Perry, I salute you!

Other news...my apartment is becoming too costly and it's really too big for just me, so I'm going to be moving...across the street. My landlady had a cheaper apartment come open so I think I'm just going to carry my stuff over there. I will also be killing my regular phone and getting a cell phone. I'll send out emails wih my new address and phone number to those of you whom I want to be able to find me.

Ben is moving in with Pat in Ft. Lauderdale in about a week. I wish you success and luck, Benjamin. I'll miss you.

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Steve called to wake me today, as he does most mornings, and we had a very productive discussion.

I told him he felt distant and stifled. I expressed my fear and doubt and my perception that his feelings of uncertainty had not yet been resolved. He stated that when he crept into bed with me on Monday morning and told me that he loved me and didn't want to lose me, that that was his nod to keep trying at this thing.

It seems so obvious now...but wrapped up in the fear that he birthed within me, I missed it. And so the problem of these past few days has been breathing within me. And it becomes clear how doubt and fear can strangle anything sprouting and struggling to grow. I must be mindful of this.

He also pointed out that perhaps I was hungering for a level of intimacy that we just haven't reached yet. I think this is true. This whole dating and new relationship deal is bewildering at moments. Especially for me, just having gotten out of a relationship that was more like a marriage than anything else. My whole view of the boyfriend/girlfriend thing is slightly skewed. I hope he'll have patience with me as I'm learning.

In time, he and I will learn each other's ticks and difficulties and, hopefully, we'll be able to avoid freak-out sessions like this one. God knows I can't take anymore drama. I'm too fucking old for this shit! Too emotionally exhausted by the past to deal with it.

For now the demons have been put into their slumber, and perhaps we'll be able to reach a nice peaceful vibe...and stay there for a while. I just have to remember to take life as it comes, to set aside my fears, and to be unafraid to burn, remembering that I will be one day be reborn wiser than before.

"All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love"

~ Sarah McLachlan from Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

On distance, desire, and comminication...

I've been in a strange mood the past couple of days. I'm a bit detached. I feel sort of like a snake, coiled up inside a tiny hole in my heart, peering out through my skin, and watching life happen around me. I'm a little little lonely now. I miss the openness of the connection that Steve and I had. It feels a bit stifled and distant. I most certainly hope that changes as it would be quite unfortunate to lose this beautiful thing that we've glimpsed together. I saw him for a bit on Tuesday night, but it was too brief. Yes...that's what's wrong with me...I miss the feel of his body next to mine in my bed. I miss that physical, mental, and emotional communion that we've touched upon.

I was reading previous posts this evening and stumbled upon this tidbit of wisdom:

"A friend pointed out to me once that happiness can only be found in yourself. The act of looking for happiness outside of the self, desire, causes pain and suffering. Once you become reconciled to what is, you find a certain contentment and peace. I keep forgetting that. It's so easy to forget."

And it seems that I have forgotten that again. I am happy with who I am, yet here I am feeling that there is something lacking. I suppose this feeling just stems from the fact that I've been looking for happiness outside of myself in the form of communion with Steve...and the fact that it may not work out invokes pain and suffering in the form of lonliness and this feeling of incompleteness. If only I could follow the good advice that I give myself, alas I am too much like Alice, fumbling around in my own little looking glass world.

Really, though, can one go through life completely focused on what is, and not give a care for what will be? I suppose if you have no desire whatsoever, then this would be possible. But what a boring existence...never to desire, never to reach out for more than what is. Hmmm...boring, perhaps, but less painful and dramatic. :) I suppose that if I could be happy always with the simple, quiet communion that I keep with myself, then it would work, but I cannot. I'm not built to be a buddhist. My soul is ever seeking communication and communion with others. Most of the world is the same, I think. And that is the inherent flaw in humanity and the reason for all of the suffering in the world. :)

I must reconcile myself to my failing, then. I yearn for communication, contact, communion...that's one of the reasons I keep this journal for the world to see. So why do I have this thirst for this commerce with others? It goes something like this: I have a great capacity to appreciate beauty in life and I take joy in and feel alive in those moments when I observe the beauty that is. When I am able to commune with and share that beauty with someone else, my delight is enhanced and I am surging, pulsing, throbbing, satiated with life. So I chance suffering for the hope of a brief euphoria. Sounds dangerously like an addiction to me. :)

I have ever hoped to find someone who can engage in this exchange with me. Someone who will allow life to be as perfect and as imperfect as it can be, yet be able to find the beauty in it all here along side me. Perhaps I have found him. Perhaps.

Time unfolds us.

"Twirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and, celebrate this
chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion."

~ Tool from Parabola

(Hot &) Cold Contagious

The past two weeks have been interesting, I suppose.

Last week Steve was going emotionally hot and cold on me and that was entirely unpleasant. Granted, he was very ill on Tuesday & Wednesday, so I must alllow him a certain sickness grouch factor...but there was more to this than a simple malady.

The long and short of it is that we had progressed fairly quickly in our relationship and he was feeling overwhelmed, unsure, and frightened by the thought of a serious and perhaps lengthy commitment. I most certainly understand his fears. I hardly expected to be involved with someone else so soon after ending my relationship with Ben...let alone to be so seriously involved. It is scary...but I've decided that I'm going to take life as it comes. If something presents itself to me and it's real and it's good, then I'm going to linger over it, enjoying it for as long as I can.

I told Steve that he needed to make up his mind as to whether or not he is willing to lower his defenses and trust me...and as to whether or not he's actually ready for a relationship of the type that I crave. I'm getting older and more impatient and I don't want to waste his or my time with something that's going nowhere.

I'm a bit uncertain about the whole thing myself now. Actually I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!!! I'm unsure as to how we'll interact from this point on. I fear that things may have already gotten too weird and we just won't be able to get back into a workable groove. There's a part of me that just wants to put the whole thing aside...it's the part of me that's tired out from stress with past relationships and that simply has very little patience left. And then there's the part of me that wants to believe, and try, and hope, and love.

I'm trying to gag the voice of doubt and let this optimistic part of me take control. Like Steve said, if we let this thing go without trying, we'll both regret it. And there are those things that I'm just not ready to lose...like his beautiful smile directed at me, his charming wit, the hot, sensuous kisses we share, the way it feels when we make love, and the way his body feels next to mine as we fall asleep. I'm far from finished...but now I'm afraid because he has made me afraid.

"but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like
better than to fall
but I fear

~ Sarah McLachlan from Fear

I have a small penis. So small, in fact, that it is sometimes called a clitoris.

A sort of birthday...

Today I am 25 years old. A quarter of a fucking century old. It's pretty frightening really, to think that a fourth of my life is spent. (If I'm lucky. Who knows maybe half or maybe nearly all of it is used up. Spooky.)

I slept in today and went out to eat with Steve at Bennigan's. My family members all called to wish me happy birthday today...but for some reason I feel a little saddened by this birthday. Twenty-five. *sigh* I think I'm just getting older and getting closer to settling down and having a family...and I'm afraid that I'll never do that, maybe. I want to be in love and happy and have stability and security. One of these days I will have all of these things, but for now, I suppose that the first two will have to do. :) Don't get me wrong...I'm not looking to get married or have a family right now. But within the next 4 or 5 years I'm going to be ready to be a wife and a mother. I never thought I'd utter that phrase, but there ya go. It's strange. I can feel the change coming over me. Whether it's a psychological process of maturation or mainly chemical with my hormones and body being driven to reproduce while I still can, I can't tell. I can just feel it.

On riding the wave...

As happy as I am with Steve, it looks to be a short-lived sort of happiness. He's getting paid shit wages at Rock 105 and he's been submitting resumes to other stations in bigger markets. He has an interview in Virginia in about a month and it's very likely that he'll land the position. I want him to succeed and he must certainly go if he gets the job, but it'll suck for me. A long distance relationship just won't be possible. I'm not built for one, nor is he. That will be the end of that. And so here I am, waiting to crash down.


"Sweet you rock
And sweet you roll
Lost for you
I'm so lost for you
You come crash into me
And I come into you"

~ Crash by Dave Matthews Band

With the help of some Gatorade, Pringles potato chips, and Mr. Perry, I was able to recover from my little hangover. Of course, my bender didn't do anything to cure the bladder infection. Nope. Instead it progressed into a kidney infection which kicked my ass on Saturday.

My side was hurting all Saturday morning at work and then I went over to Ben's to watch Spirited Away (which I really enjoyed). The pain kept getting worse and worse and became more focused toward my back right side. By the time the movie was over, I couldn't move without pain. I went to the doctor's office and sat alone, hunched over in a chair in misery for 2 and a half hours until they got me examined, diagnosed, and prescribed antibiotics. I then went to Rite Aid to get the Rx filled. While there, I walked around slightly hunched over with this sort of Ozzy Osbourne old man walk and everyone looked at me oddly, but I didn't care. I was in pain, damn it!!! By the time I got home I was crying, it was hurting so badly. I went to bed and the magic of Cipro, several Advil, and a night of rest put me back on my feet again. Oh yes, and the McDonald's food that Cyndi brought me. I know the power of the golden arches helped me somewhat though that ordeal. :)

On Sunday night I felt well enough to go to the Regatta to see the fireworks. It was a decent display...about 25 minutes long. The highlight of the evening, however, was when this 10 year old little boy came up to me and asked me, "Hey! Tall lady! Tall lady! Can I have you're phone number?" I looked at him and laughed and said, "Don't you think I'm a little old for you? I mean what could we possibly have to talk about on the phone?" He replied, "What? You can't be any more than 18! We'll have lots to talk about, as pretty as you are." I laughed at the sheer guts (or stupidity) that this kid had and told him, "Okay. My number is 4. Don't forget it!" He then said that he needed 6 more digits at which I said "buh-bye" and walked away. I felt very dirty after the whole exchange was through. I've been hit on my old men, by teenager, by scuzzy men, and by attractive men, but never had I been hit on by a 10 year old boy. I felt a little violated, I think.

I went back to work on Tuesday and thus far they haven't mentioned anything about firing me. :) It's become a joke around the clinic now that we're all daily playing "Dodge Box", trying to keep afloat one more day in that wretched place. *sigh* I remember a time not too long ago when I was passionate about my job. Now I'm just getting burnt out by bad management. What the hell does it matter if I do a good job? No one's going to notice! And I live in fear of getting fired for some petty reason every day. Oh well...I guess job security is just too damn boring for me. I'm living on the edge, baby. Woo haa.

What else? I started my graduate classes on August 28th, so I have started down the path toward obtaining my M. A. in Psychology. Huzzah!

And things are still going good with Steve. You know, we all have that little mental checklist of things that we're looking for in a romantic companion...and honestly I'm in shock at meeting someone who very closely fits my mental criteria. He's intelligent, career oriented, creative and talented in the arts, he's funny as hell, he's sincere and very straightforward, he responsibly pays his bills, he keeps a clean house, he cooks. He does all that and he treats me with respect, tries to take care of me, and tells me that he thinks that I'm beautiful, intelligent, and just plain special. Wow. So no wonder I agreed to date him exclusively when he asked me recently. What girl would pass up being treated like a fucking queen?

But now, I'm off the market again. I didn't think it would happen so quickly...but here I am. I'm a little skiddish. I don't really trust human nature in general. I'm sure things will fail eventually. All things must come to an end...all things will pass. I'm just going to ride the wave until it comes crashing down on my shore.