Ghosts, Ghouls, & the Goosey Girl
After it got dark at Cedar Point, Steve and I decided to make our way back to the U.R. Dade School of Mortuary Science (a.k.a. the haunted house), which was situated along the Frontier Trail, the old timey themed section of the park. The immense amount of fog pouring out of the tunnel that would lead us to that section of the park filled with quaint country shacks and houses cued us in to the fact that perhaps things had changed along the Frontier Trail since the sun had set on Cedar Point.
We walked blindly though the fog-filled tunnel, an erie blue light ahead illuminating the air so that we could just see the silhouettes of the people in front of us, nothing more. Once through the tunnel, we were met with almost complete darkness. The only light came from another strategically placed colored lamp far ahead. All we could do is walk closely behind those people in front of us, hoping that we did not become lost in the darkness. After walking a short bit, black shapes began rushing around and past us. I turned my head as one came close and found a hideous red-faced demon with large protruding fangs going past, gazing at me with a look of pure malice. The next moment, something let out a loud bestial, snort right next to my ear, so close that I could feel it's breath. I jumped and screamed and turned to find a hungry looking half-man/half-pig creature glaring at me and screamed again.
Steve laughed at my girlishness and I claimed "boyfriend rights" and began holding tightly to his arm. We made our way through the Fright Zone, as it was temporarily named, with it's patches of darkness, strangely lit fog, and diverse population of ghouls, monsters, and demons. The demons continued to periodically rush out and through the crowd, ripping a scream out of the crowd here and there. I was careful to make eye contact with every fiend that I saw in an attempt to keep them at bay. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it did not. :)
We finally arrived at the haunted house and waited in line for one hour. We were convinced that this haunted house had to be spectacular due to the length of the line...but we were wrong. It was mediocre at best, with slowley moving animatronic ghouls and skeletons. There were a few actors in the house which added a few moments of fear and hilarity.
In the first "room of terror" we found a guy dressed in a long dark robe with a ghoulish white and grey mask sitting behind a large desk. I walked past, rolling my eyes at how "terrifying" it all was. We turned a corner and began walking down a hallway when I decided to turn around and found the ghoul sneaking up behind me. I screamed, grabbed Steve's hand, and began pulling him forward all the while saying, Come on! We've got to get out of here!" I totally freaked out, man.
A moment later, we stopped and Steve and I doubled over in laughter at my excitability brought on by being so exhausted. Recovering a bit, we started to move through the house again. We walked down several halls, rounded corners, and all the while I kept looking behind me, determined not to be taken by surprise again. We walked around one corner and walked right by a clothes closet. I knew for certain that there was someone hiding in there and that he would jump out and scare the shit out of me if I gave him the chance, so I let Steve lead me forward while I looking over my shoulder at the closet. When I finally decided that whoever was hiding back there was going to stay in place behind the clothing, I faced forward only to slam straight into a wall. The guy in the closet burst into laughter along with Steve. I found the situation quite humorous, however I couldn't laugh because my face hurt. I stood there for a moment rubbing my nose and yelled to the closet guy, "Fucker! It's your fault!", which only made him laugh harder. :) There were a couple more scares and one of those psychedelic tunnel and bridge rooms that fucks with your sense of balance and then we stepped out into the crisp night air once again.
Cleveland Rocks
We decided to head on over to Cleveland to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before coming home on Sunday. After spending 5 hours in the building we had only made it up to the 4th floor when they closed and kicked us out. We had only just got to the U2 exhibit, damn it! Anyway, we ambled though the many rooms filled with clothing, personal effects, letters, checks, originial lyrics, records, instruments, posters, etc. of rock and roll's greats. A few of the things that stick out in my mind: a couple of Elvis' rhinestoned and studded jumpsuits, lyrics of Purple Haze written on notebook paper by Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon's leather jacket, Janis Joplin's glasses, Jerry Garcia's guitar, and lyrics of Lucy in the Sky written in John Lennon's handwritting on a sheet of notebook paper.
All in all, it was overwhelming. There was so much cool stuff to see in such a short time! Eventually you become desensitized to it all and your mental process goes something like this: "Wow. Another very valuable piece of rock and roll history. Wow. Something touched and used by one of my favorite rock and roll artists." I plan on going again whenever I have more time. :)
In conclusion, Steve and I had a wonderful time. Thank you, Mr. Perry!
I want somebody who sees the pointlessness and still keeps their purpose in mind;
I want somebody who has a tortured soul...some of the time;
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery;
Or maybe just put it all to words and make me say, "You know, I never heard it put that way".
Make me say, "What did you just say?"
~Ani Difranco "Asking Too Much"
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
Monday, October 27, 2003
Haunted
What a strange and fucking difficult week this has been.
Old feelings for someone, which have been haunting me for a while, sprang up and royally fucked with me. Extremely confused and overwhelmed, I broke up with Steve on Wednesday and then attempted to work out the mess in my head. I felt I couldn't be dating someone when I had romantic feelings for someone else. I had a couple of conversations with the person who incited the confusion to try and make sense of things. At times I was very angry, at others very hurt, and at others very relieved to have it all out in the open.
I realized in all of the chaos that I had broken up with Steve for all of the wrong reasons. I hadn't given him that chance that he had asked for and deserved. I couldn't get him out of my head on Thursday and I realized how much I have come to care for him. I knew that I couldn't throw it away and so I called him back on Thursday night and said that I wanted to give things between us a chance. He forgave me for putting him through hell and agreed to try again.
Our relationship previously was not perfect by any means. I felt that my needs were not being met...I felt that he was uncertain if he wanted to be with me and that was damaging to my self-esteem. Also there are behavior patterns and habits that Steve clings to that I could not then and still cannot support. But he says that things will be different. I will give them a chance to be different. Time will tell if we are meant to be.
As for my "old flame" and I, I hope that we'll be able to remain friends. I really don't want anything to break up the whole friend group...I don't want to go through that again. Nor do I want to call any unnecessary attention to our situation. Ben thinks that we should never see each other again, however I feel that by making contact taboo, it will place an unwarranted emphasis on it and make it all that much more appealing. Nope. I just want things to remain fairly normal. Again, time will tell.
For now, in all areas of my life, I am doing the only thing I can do...taking things one step at a time. We shall see what tomorrow brings. It is my hope that the events of this past week will be successful in bringing me a closure that I never had before, in exorcising my demon, and making me unhaunted.
And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head
~ by Poe from Haunted
House of Leaves
Steve and I went to Cedar Point this weekend as we had previously planned. We left and stayed in a hotel in Sandusky, OH on Friday night so that we would be rested for a full day at the park on Saturday. On the drive to the park on Saturday morning, I was leisurely looking out the window, when I noticed some very tall, dignified looking oak trees cloaked in the most vibrant orange and yellow leaves. My gaze went down to their bases where I found the ground littered with ornately carved white marble and grey granite headstones, tombs, and mausoleums. I asked Steve if we could stop, half expecting him to scoff at me and demand to go onward to the park, however, he agreed that he would also like to get a closer look. I turned around, drove back, and then slowley pulled through the black wrought iron gates of Oakland Cemetery.
Through the gate and to the left stood a small, grey stone funeral chapel with large oaken doors and stained glass windows and to the right was a large, white gothic revival farm house that functioned as the superintendent's house and office. I parked the car just past the funeral chapel on the left and Steve and I got out and began walking down the paved path among the headstones. Just down the path on the left was an enourmous headstone shaped like an open book standing on it's end with a name carved on each end cover: Sarah Moore and Maria Moore. Around the back of the monument, on the open pages, was a thank you from the students of the two women burried there, who were apparently sisters to each other, nuns, and educators. We continued walking, reading headstones as we strolled along, the sky overcast and grey, the trees stately and vibrantly colored, a light rain misting down , while fallen leaves danced and rattled though the air and over the ground. We pointed out pretty or unusual names to each other, tested the strange names on our tongues, made note of the dates of birth and death, and wondered together what each person's life must have been like.
The majority of the death dates were between the late 1800's and the early 1900's, so the of the tombstones were very elaborately decorated in keeping with the style of that time period. They were either grey, white, or red, in color and made of either granite, limestone, or marble. A few had epitaphs, many did not. Some had the words "Mother", "Father", "Son", or "Daughter" in addition to the name and dates. A few of the small ones didn't even have names of their own...just the names of their parents. We saw quite a few like this: Infant son of A.C. & B.L. Andrews Died 1893 or Infant daughter of C.L. & S.M. Michaels Died 1875. These tore at my heart. These little ones never got to know the joys and the pains that we take for granted every day.
Deep into the cemetery we came across a stone that looked like an old dead tree with all of the branches cut off. A family name, which I cannot remember, was carved in large letters on one side and the first name of each family member was carved near each branch stub all up and down the tree. Very symbolic and creepy. :) Probably one of the newest stones in the cemetery was shaped like a Harley Davidson Motorcycle and marked the grave of a 29 year old man...he died April 4, 2003. Another stone near the tree shaped one, was very simple except for a few musical notes carved around the name, which was Joyce Aydelette. Steve paused when he saw this last one, took out a pen and a scrap of paper and said, "I've found my daughter's name" and wrote down "Aydelette", tucking the paper away in his wallet.
We walked back toward the direction of the car, stopping at a few of the small family tombs to peer in the glass doors. The inside walls were done in white marble, the names of the occupants written in gold or silver gilt on the individual vaults, and the floors were covered in mosaic tiles. The glass on the inside of one of these crypts was dinged up a bit...sort of like someone or something had been beating on it...trying to get out. Steve commented that the whole scene was like out of a Night of the Living Dead movie: The curious young woman notices the ding in the glass and points it out to the young man. *Cue erie music* They get slightly creeped out, however continue looking around the cemetery. The young woman kneels down and brushes the lichen from a tombstone, attempting to read the inscription, when a decaying hand shoots up out of the ground and tightly grasps her wrist. Mmmmwwwhahahaha! Fortunately, no zombies attacked us as we made our way back to the car and said our final goodbye to the slumbering interred of Oakland Cemetery.
Rollercoaster of Love
We finally made our way to fantabulous Cedar Point and, determined not to let the rain and cold spoil our time, we marched off in search of our first ride. The entire park was decorated with a halloween theme, tombstones with clever epitaphs, skeletons, and ghouls dotting the greens, while speakers placed throughout the park played creepy halloweenish music and scary sounds, and fog machines filled the air with a thick rolling fog. In search of the entrance to The Raptor, we stumbled onto the Power Tower, which is a device that takes you 240 feet up into the air and drops you so that you have a momentary feeling of weightlessness. I just knew that my harness was going to come open and I was going to fall 240 feet to my very messy demise. Next we rode the Magnum XL - 200, a rocking 200 feet tall steel rollercoaster. After that I believe we scarffed down a couple of corndogs and then rode the Raptor, an inverted rollercoaster. We finally came to the rollercoaster of all rollercoasters, the Millennium Force. The Millennium Force has a 310 feet drop at an 80 degree angle and reaches up to 93 miles per hour! It's been a long time since I've been truly scared when riding a rollercoaster...this one scared the fuck out of me. Going up the hill, I looked to the side and I knew we were a long way up...but we just kept going and going and going. Once we reached the top, I felt the car get yanked over the edge and all I could see was the track below rushing up to meet us. Terrifying and exquisite! We rode it twice! :)
TO BE CONTINUED...
What a strange and fucking difficult week this has been.
Old feelings for someone, which have been haunting me for a while, sprang up and royally fucked with me. Extremely confused and overwhelmed, I broke up with Steve on Wednesday and then attempted to work out the mess in my head. I felt I couldn't be dating someone when I had romantic feelings for someone else. I had a couple of conversations with the person who incited the confusion to try and make sense of things. At times I was very angry, at others very hurt, and at others very relieved to have it all out in the open.
I realized in all of the chaos that I had broken up with Steve for all of the wrong reasons. I hadn't given him that chance that he had asked for and deserved. I couldn't get him out of my head on Thursday and I realized how much I have come to care for him. I knew that I couldn't throw it away and so I called him back on Thursday night and said that I wanted to give things between us a chance. He forgave me for putting him through hell and agreed to try again.
Our relationship previously was not perfect by any means. I felt that my needs were not being met...I felt that he was uncertain if he wanted to be with me and that was damaging to my self-esteem. Also there are behavior patterns and habits that Steve clings to that I could not then and still cannot support. But he says that things will be different. I will give them a chance to be different. Time will tell if we are meant to be.
As for my "old flame" and I, I hope that we'll be able to remain friends. I really don't want anything to break up the whole friend group...I don't want to go through that again. Nor do I want to call any unnecessary attention to our situation. Ben thinks that we should never see each other again, however I feel that by making contact taboo, it will place an unwarranted emphasis on it and make it all that much more appealing. Nope. I just want things to remain fairly normal. Again, time will tell.
For now, in all areas of my life, I am doing the only thing I can do...taking things one step at a time. We shall see what tomorrow brings. It is my hope that the events of this past week will be successful in bringing me a closure that I never had before, in exorcising my demon, and making me unhaunted.
And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head
~ by Poe from Haunted
House of Leaves
Steve and I went to Cedar Point this weekend as we had previously planned. We left and stayed in a hotel in Sandusky, OH on Friday night so that we would be rested for a full day at the park on Saturday. On the drive to the park on Saturday morning, I was leisurely looking out the window, when I noticed some very tall, dignified looking oak trees cloaked in the most vibrant orange and yellow leaves. My gaze went down to their bases where I found the ground littered with ornately carved white marble and grey granite headstones, tombs, and mausoleums. I asked Steve if we could stop, half expecting him to scoff at me and demand to go onward to the park, however, he agreed that he would also like to get a closer look. I turned around, drove back, and then slowley pulled through the black wrought iron gates of Oakland Cemetery.
Through the gate and to the left stood a small, grey stone funeral chapel with large oaken doors and stained glass windows and to the right was a large, white gothic revival farm house that functioned as the superintendent's house and office. I parked the car just past the funeral chapel on the left and Steve and I got out and began walking down the paved path among the headstones. Just down the path on the left was an enourmous headstone shaped like an open book standing on it's end with a name carved on each end cover: Sarah Moore and Maria Moore. Around the back of the monument, on the open pages, was a thank you from the students of the two women burried there, who were apparently sisters to each other, nuns, and educators. We continued walking, reading headstones as we strolled along, the sky overcast and grey, the trees stately and vibrantly colored, a light rain misting down , while fallen leaves danced and rattled though the air and over the ground. We pointed out pretty or unusual names to each other, tested the strange names on our tongues, made note of the dates of birth and death, and wondered together what each person's life must have been like.
The majority of the death dates were between the late 1800's and the early 1900's, so the of the tombstones were very elaborately decorated in keeping with the style of that time period. They were either grey, white, or red, in color and made of either granite, limestone, or marble. A few had epitaphs, many did not. Some had the words "Mother", "Father", "Son", or "Daughter" in addition to the name and dates. A few of the small ones didn't even have names of their own...just the names of their parents. We saw quite a few like this: Infant son of A.C. & B.L. Andrews Died 1893 or Infant daughter of C.L. & S.M. Michaels Died 1875. These tore at my heart. These little ones never got to know the joys and the pains that we take for granted every day.
Deep into the cemetery we came across a stone that looked like an old dead tree with all of the branches cut off. A family name, which I cannot remember, was carved in large letters on one side and the first name of each family member was carved near each branch stub all up and down the tree. Very symbolic and creepy. :) Probably one of the newest stones in the cemetery was shaped like a Harley Davidson Motorcycle and marked the grave of a 29 year old man...he died April 4, 2003. Another stone near the tree shaped one, was very simple except for a few musical notes carved around the name, which was Joyce Aydelette. Steve paused when he saw this last one, took out a pen and a scrap of paper and said, "I've found my daughter's name" and wrote down "Aydelette", tucking the paper away in his wallet.
We walked back toward the direction of the car, stopping at a few of the small family tombs to peer in the glass doors. The inside walls were done in white marble, the names of the occupants written in gold or silver gilt on the individual vaults, and the floors were covered in mosaic tiles. The glass on the inside of one of these crypts was dinged up a bit...sort of like someone or something had been beating on it...trying to get out. Steve commented that the whole scene was like out of a Night of the Living Dead movie: The curious young woman notices the ding in the glass and points it out to the young man. *Cue erie music* They get slightly creeped out, however continue looking around the cemetery. The young woman kneels down and brushes the lichen from a tombstone, attempting to read the inscription, when a decaying hand shoots up out of the ground and tightly grasps her wrist. Mmmmwwwhahahaha! Fortunately, no zombies attacked us as we made our way back to the car and said our final goodbye to the slumbering interred of Oakland Cemetery.
Rollercoaster of Love
We finally made our way to fantabulous Cedar Point and, determined not to let the rain and cold spoil our time, we marched off in search of our first ride. The entire park was decorated with a halloween theme, tombstones with clever epitaphs, skeletons, and ghouls dotting the greens, while speakers placed throughout the park played creepy halloweenish music and scary sounds, and fog machines filled the air with a thick rolling fog. In search of the entrance to The Raptor, we stumbled onto the Power Tower, which is a device that takes you 240 feet up into the air and drops you so that you have a momentary feeling of weightlessness. I just knew that my harness was going to come open and I was going to fall 240 feet to my very messy demise. Next we rode the Magnum XL - 200, a rocking 200 feet tall steel rollercoaster. After that I believe we scarffed down a couple of corndogs and then rode the Raptor, an inverted rollercoaster. We finally came to the rollercoaster of all rollercoasters, the Millennium Force. The Millennium Force has a 310 feet drop at an 80 degree angle and reaches up to 93 miles per hour! It's been a long time since I've been truly scared when riding a rollercoaster...this one scared the fuck out of me. Going up the hill, I looked to the side and I knew we were a long way up...but we just kept going and going and going. Once we reached the top, I felt the car get yanked over the edge and all I could see was the track below rushing up to meet us. Terrifying and exquisite! We rode it twice! :)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
what i'm feeling....
blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again
i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through
~Evanesence from Going Under
watching me wanting me
i can feel you pull me down
fearing you loving you
i won't let you pull me down
~Evanesence from Haunted
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
~Evanesence from My Immortal
blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again
i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through
~Evanesence from Going Under
watching me wanting me
i can feel you pull me down
fearing you loving you
i won't let you pull me down
~Evanesence from Haunted
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
~Evanesence from My Immortal
Monday, October 20, 2003
despair...anger...confusion
more anger = (your actions belie your words) (your actions show a lack of respect for me) (you poison me)
lying eyes
biting tongue
hide behind a mask of control
again you lie
load the gun
smiling sweetly as you bleed my soul
and more anger = (don't do what you don't feel) (i'm not here to use at your discretion)
and maybe i'm just the horizon you run to
when she has left you
and me here alone on the floor
you're counting my feathers as the bells toll...
...do you know what this is doing to me?
here, here, here in my head?
tears and more confusion = (what exactly do you feel?)
I once knew a man
pale and thin
And he had eyes that could make
the Virgin want to sin
but with tears in my eyes
he pushed me away
and he said, “You’ll see…we'll keep it simple this way.”
pointless questioning = (if there were no negative consequence, what would you chose?) (what would I chose?)
so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much
confusion = (i don't know how to let go)
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire...
...I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
material quoted in order: c.l.g.; tori amos; c.l.g.; ani difranco; sarah mclachlan
more anger = (your actions belie your words) (your actions show a lack of respect for me) (you poison me)
lying eyes
biting tongue
hide behind a mask of control
again you lie
load the gun
smiling sweetly as you bleed my soul
and more anger = (don't do what you don't feel) (i'm not here to use at your discretion)
and maybe i'm just the horizon you run to
when she has left you
and me here alone on the floor
you're counting my feathers as the bells toll...
...do you know what this is doing to me?
here, here, here in my head?
tears and more confusion = (what exactly do you feel?)
I once knew a man
pale and thin
And he had eyes that could make
the Virgin want to sin
but with tears in my eyes
he pushed me away
and he said, “You’ll see…we'll keep it simple this way.”
pointless questioning = (if there were no negative consequence, what would you chose?) (what would I chose?)
so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much
confusion = (i don't know how to let go)
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire...
...I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
material quoted in order: c.l.g.; tori amos; c.l.g.; ani difranco; sarah mclachlan
Sunday, October 19, 2003
I had a fantastic weekend. :) The Renaissance Festival was so much fun and just being with my boys (and Leslie, my she-bitch) was wonderfully theraputic. It's been a rough couple of weeks and I needed this time to have some unadulterated fun. So much happened this weekend, I simply don't have time to relate it all...and most of the people that read my blog were there anyway, so I'll just give a quick synopsis. :)
The Renaissance Festival
Burnsy and Leslie stayed sober as the designated drivers, leaving Ken, Shawn, Chris, and I to get stumbling drunk. We hit the Beer Garden first thing and then walked around drinking and looking in the shops at the weapons, clothing, and novelty items. We threw axes at targets while completely trashed...and I know I say it every year, but there's something beautiful about combining excessive alcohol consumption with throwing sharp objects. :) Let's see...we saw a comedy swordplay show, the Mud Show version of Beowulf, the pirate stunt show, a juggler, and a magician/comedian type guy.
During the magician/comedy show, Chris was selected...well, actually loudly volunteered to be an assistant and help strap the magician guy up in a straight jacket and wrap a chain around him. Dear god, was that ever fucking hilarious! The guy made his unsuspecting assistants put women's underwear on over their clothing before helping chain him up. Chris ended up wearing a fucking huge pair of light pink panties and the other guy was wearing a freaking 44DD hot pink bra! People recognized Chris throughout the rest of the day as the panty man. :) It was a fucking golden moment and I have pictures of it!!! :) I salute you, Chris Jarrett. I never knew that you had such balls.
The rest of the time during the trip we just kicked back, played euchre, and talked. I got drunk at the Ren. Fest and then sobered up and then got drunk again last night by doing vodka shots. My stomach got pissed at me right after I took shot #9 and tossed the buritto that I had eaten earlier back up through my stomach and esophagus. I was fine after that and slept like a baby. :)
No, means motherfucking no, Joe!
Chris's neighbor, Joe, harrassed me all night last night, trying to tag my ass. Initially he flirted with me and I flirted back, innocently, just having a bit of fun. I suppose he took my initial flirtatious behavior as a wide open invitation.
He took me aside trying to get physical with me and I used that opportunity to explain to him that I was flattered, and that he was an attractive guy, but I wasn't interested and I'm dating someone. I thought he would get the picture after that, however he kept grabbing my hand and rubbing my leg and neck. I didn't want to be mean to him and cause weird relations between him and Chris and Shawn, so I tried telling him again in a nice way that I wasn't interested. I think he took my, "no, but thanks" to mean "try harder". I talked to him one last time next door in his apartment, very bluntly telling him that his behavior was not appropriate and it needed to stop. I thought for sure after that conversation, that he would leave me the fuck alone. But nope, not Joe. He's one persistent motherfucker.
He continued to hit on me and I eventually had to resort to ignoring him and being very short with him when I did speak to him. I haven't had that much trouble getting a guy to take a hint to leave me alone since high school.
So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts?
That was the only really unpleasant thing that happened this weekend. The rest was nice. I had a couple of really good, serious conversations with Chris and Berry Boy. The exchanges that I had with Chris in particular have made me very thoughtful and introspective this evening. I realize that even though I've learned a lot in the past year, I have so much that I need to figure out in my head. I need to better take care of myself inside...and I'm still learning how. I need to get my priorities in order and revamp my 5-10 year plan. My life has changed loads since I thought up the current one and it's sadly in need of revision. I need to sit down and figure out what I want in life and what I need to do to achieve those things. I'm going to look inside and find all of the things that bother me about me and improve myself by either changing those or learning to accept them. I have my work fucking cut out for me. :)
Chris, you seem like you have a lot of things in life figured out...at least on a level that works for you...and I admire you for that. I always learn from our communications and, with the way that you're always working to improve yourself, you make me want to be a better person. Thanks for challenging me. Keep in mind, however, that whatever wisdom you have acquired during your time here, you don't have it all figured out. :) Mind you, I say this with love and with a deep respect, but some of your views are simply defense mechanisms and some of your coping strategies are unhealthy and maladaptive in general. But I guess that we're all guilty of this to some degree from time to time. Anyway, thanks for being a friend.
Actually, I'd like to extend that "thank you" to all of my friends, whom I love very dearly. Thank you for your time, your laughter, and your love. Thank you all for the things that you bring to my life and for all of the things that you've taught me. May I never cease to appreciate you.
"Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling"
~ Silent All These Years by Tori Amos
The Renaissance Festival
Burnsy and Leslie stayed sober as the designated drivers, leaving Ken, Shawn, Chris, and I to get stumbling drunk. We hit the Beer Garden first thing and then walked around drinking and looking in the shops at the weapons, clothing, and novelty items. We threw axes at targets while completely trashed...and I know I say it every year, but there's something beautiful about combining excessive alcohol consumption with throwing sharp objects. :) Let's see...we saw a comedy swordplay show, the Mud Show version of Beowulf, the pirate stunt show, a juggler, and a magician/comedian type guy.
During the magician/comedy show, Chris was selected...well, actually loudly volunteered to be an assistant and help strap the magician guy up in a straight jacket and wrap a chain around him. Dear god, was that ever fucking hilarious! The guy made his unsuspecting assistants put women's underwear on over their clothing before helping chain him up. Chris ended up wearing a fucking huge pair of light pink panties and the other guy was wearing a freaking 44DD hot pink bra! People recognized Chris throughout the rest of the day as the panty man. :) It was a fucking golden moment and I have pictures of it!!! :) I salute you, Chris Jarrett. I never knew that you had such balls.
The rest of the time during the trip we just kicked back, played euchre, and talked. I got drunk at the Ren. Fest and then sobered up and then got drunk again last night by doing vodka shots. My stomach got pissed at me right after I took shot #9 and tossed the buritto that I had eaten earlier back up through my stomach and esophagus. I was fine after that and slept like a baby. :)
No, means motherfucking no, Joe!
Chris's neighbor, Joe, harrassed me all night last night, trying to tag my ass. Initially he flirted with me and I flirted back, innocently, just having a bit of fun. I suppose he took my initial flirtatious behavior as a wide open invitation.
He took me aside trying to get physical with me and I used that opportunity to explain to him that I was flattered, and that he was an attractive guy, but I wasn't interested and I'm dating someone. I thought he would get the picture after that, however he kept grabbing my hand and rubbing my leg and neck. I didn't want to be mean to him and cause weird relations between him and Chris and Shawn, so I tried telling him again in a nice way that I wasn't interested. I think he took my, "no, but thanks" to mean "try harder". I talked to him one last time next door in his apartment, very bluntly telling him that his behavior was not appropriate and it needed to stop. I thought for sure after that conversation, that he would leave me the fuck alone. But nope, not Joe. He's one persistent motherfucker.
He continued to hit on me and I eventually had to resort to ignoring him and being very short with him when I did speak to him. I haven't had that much trouble getting a guy to take a hint to leave me alone since high school.
So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts?
That was the only really unpleasant thing that happened this weekend. The rest was nice. I had a couple of really good, serious conversations with Chris and Berry Boy. The exchanges that I had with Chris in particular have made me very thoughtful and introspective this evening. I realize that even though I've learned a lot in the past year, I have so much that I need to figure out in my head. I need to better take care of myself inside...and I'm still learning how. I need to get my priorities in order and revamp my 5-10 year plan. My life has changed loads since I thought up the current one and it's sadly in need of revision. I need to sit down and figure out what I want in life and what I need to do to achieve those things. I'm going to look inside and find all of the things that bother me about me and improve myself by either changing those or learning to accept them. I have my work fucking cut out for me. :)
Chris, you seem like you have a lot of things in life figured out...at least on a level that works for you...and I admire you for that. I always learn from our communications and, with the way that you're always working to improve yourself, you make me want to be a better person. Thanks for challenging me. Keep in mind, however, that whatever wisdom you have acquired during your time here, you don't have it all figured out. :) Mind you, I say this with love and with a deep respect, but some of your views are simply defense mechanisms and some of your coping strategies are unhealthy and maladaptive in general. But I guess that we're all guilty of this to some degree from time to time. Anyway, thanks for being a friend.
Actually, I'd like to extend that "thank you" to all of my friends, whom I love very dearly. Thank you for your time, your laughter, and your love. Thank you all for the things that you bring to my life and for all of the things that you've taught me. May I never cease to appreciate you.
"Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling"
~ Silent All These Years by Tori Amos
Friday, October 17, 2003
My head feels like it's going to fall off.
Dear god, these midterms have been painful! I'm never doing a WebCT course ever again. At least I made A's. There is some comfort for my pounding head in that thought.
I'm excited! Well...excited and a little psychotic-feeling from lack of sleep. It won't be long before the hallucinations start up. That's always very entertaining. :) Anyway, I'm excited that I get to see my friends this weekend! Sean and I are about ready to head out tonight to the wonderful land of Ohio to visit with Master Shawn, Master Chris, Master Ken, and Mistress Leslie and so that we may attend the Renaissance Festival on the morrow. Huzzah! Huzah!
I've had one hour of sleep...I think it's a good thing that I'm not driving. I hope that poor Sean doesn't actually expect for me to stay awake the whole trip....
I was up so late because Steve came over and we had a nice chat. Basically, he apologized for acting like such a negative, self-pitying ass the past two weeks. I accepted the apology and we decided to keep trying at this dating thing. He promised to be a better boyfriend and better meet my needs.
I secretly suspect that he's actually using me for my washing machine. I get sex...he gets to wash his clothes. It's not a bad set up, really. I think I'm probably getting the better end of the deal...hmmm...wait a second...maybe not...the washer is a Maytag after all.
Dear god, these midterms have been painful! I'm never doing a WebCT course ever again. At least I made A's. There is some comfort for my pounding head in that thought.
I'm excited! Well...excited and a little psychotic-feeling from lack of sleep. It won't be long before the hallucinations start up. That's always very entertaining. :) Anyway, I'm excited that I get to see my friends this weekend! Sean and I are about ready to head out tonight to the wonderful land of Ohio to visit with Master Shawn, Master Chris, Master Ken, and Mistress Leslie and so that we may attend the Renaissance Festival on the morrow. Huzzah! Huzah!
I've had one hour of sleep...I think it's a good thing that I'm not driving. I hope that poor Sean doesn't actually expect for me to stay awake the whole trip....
I was up so late because Steve came over and we had a nice chat. Basically, he apologized for acting like such a negative, self-pitying ass the past two weeks. I accepted the apology and we decided to keep trying at this dating thing. He promised to be a better boyfriend and better meet my needs.
I secretly suspect that he's actually using me for my washing machine. I get sex...he gets to wash his clothes. It's not a bad set up, really. I think I'm probably getting the better end of the deal...hmmm...wait a second...maybe not...the washer is a Maytag after all.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
An explanation
On September 30th I posted that I was annoyed and never had the time nor the will to explain. A few of you have commented on it so let me try to remember what was "under my crawl" on that particular date.
Hmmm...I know part of it had to do with Steve. It had to do with my feeling...hmmm..."neglected" is not really the best word to describe it, really. Let's just say that I was upset at Steve's restrained shows of affection. He's uncomfortable with PDA to an extent that it, at times, makes me feel like he's ashamed to be with me. Very damaging to a relationship and to the old self-esteem. Actually, he's uncomfortable with affection in general, so I feel that I can't act freely with him, which is very frustrating and takes the joy and spontaneity out of our interactions. He goes hot, he goes cold, and I get confused. Actually...things have gotten a bit better in the past couple of weeks as far as his trust level for me. So maybe he'll warm up...and stay fucking warm!
The DJ that Almost Wasn't
On October 1st Steve called me after midnight and told me that they had yanked him from his radio shift given it to another jock who has been doing radio for 12 years, is lamer than lame, but kisses the station manager's asshole daily. Steve had poured his heart and soul into that show and had quite impressive ratings, actually the best in the Kanawha Valley for that time slot, but it was all taken away from him because of office politics. He had been demoted to only doing the station production and imaging. He was devestated and got drunk off of his ass, with my extreme disapproval, to numb himself.
His alcohol binge continued for a bit. The Saturday following his demotion we went to see a show in Huntington at the Stoned Monkey, and he drank himself over the edge of oblivion. I had to undress him and put him to bed...he had no idea where he was or who he was...and he did a few very unattractive things that night. During the next week or so, the poor guy began questioning whether or not he even wanted to continue in radio any longer. He had lost his direction in life. The bastards had broken him.
I was sure that "Regular Steve" was going to be retired, however Fate had other plans. One of the other jocks announced Monday that his last day at 105 would be 10/15/03...he had a better offer at another station. Being caught in a bind, management asked Steve to step up and fill in. He accepted, but on his terms. He now makes $4000 more per year, is salary, has medical insurance, paid vacations and holidays, and is permanent full time. Kick ass, baby! :)
This was just another reminder to me that life sometimes sends us what we've been looking and hoping for in ridiculous packaging.
Right Now
I'm half way through my mid-terms and so far I've made A's. I'm running on very little sleep and I'm still PMSing, but not so badly. I miss Steve and I'm very happy that he finally got what he deserves at work. I hope he quits constantly stressing and complaining about money now. If he does, I think our relationship will get better. I'm excited to see my friends this weekend. I've decided that I'm going to go on the Adkins diet either after Halloween or on Monday 10/20/03. I like my little apartment. I wish I had someone to sleep next to me tonight.
On September 30th I posted that I was annoyed and never had the time nor the will to explain. A few of you have commented on it so let me try to remember what was "under my crawl" on that particular date.
Hmmm...I know part of it had to do with Steve. It had to do with my feeling...hmmm..."neglected" is not really the best word to describe it, really. Let's just say that I was upset at Steve's restrained shows of affection. He's uncomfortable with PDA to an extent that it, at times, makes me feel like he's ashamed to be with me. Very damaging to a relationship and to the old self-esteem. Actually, he's uncomfortable with affection in general, so I feel that I can't act freely with him, which is very frustrating and takes the joy and spontaneity out of our interactions. He goes hot, he goes cold, and I get confused. Actually...things have gotten a bit better in the past couple of weeks as far as his trust level for me. So maybe he'll warm up...and stay fucking warm!
The DJ that Almost Wasn't
On October 1st Steve called me after midnight and told me that they had yanked him from his radio shift given it to another jock who has been doing radio for 12 years, is lamer than lame, but kisses the station manager's asshole daily. Steve had poured his heart and soul into that show and had quite impressive ratings, actually the best in the Kanawha Valley for that time slot, but it was all taken away from him because of office politics. He had been demoted to only doing the station production and imaging. He was devestated and got drunk off of his ass, with my extreme disapproval, to numb himself.
His alcohol binge continued for a bit. The Saturday following his demotion we went to see a show in Huntington at the Stoned Monkey, and he drank himself over the edge of oblivion. I had to undress him and put him to bed...he had no idea where he was or who he was...and he did a few very unattractive things that night. During the next week or so, the poor guy began questioning whether or not he even wanted to continue in radio any longer. He had lost his direction in life. The bastards had broken him.
I was sure that "Regular Steve" was going to be retired, however Fate had other plans. One of the other jocks announced Monday that his last day at 105 would be 10/15/03...he had a better offer at another station. Being caught in a bind, management asked Steve to step up and fill in. He accepted, but on his terms. He now makes $4000 more per year, is salary, has medical insurance, paid vacations and holidays, and is permanent full time. Kick ass, baby! :)
This was just another reminder to me that life sometimes sends us what we've been looking and hoping for in ridiculous packaging.
Right Now
I'm half way through my mid-terms and so far I've made A's. I'm running on very little sleep and I'm still PMSing, but not so badly. I miss Steve and I'm very happy that he finally got what he deserves at work. I hope he quits constantly stressing and complaining about money now. If he does, I think our relationship will get better. I'm excited to see my friends this weekend. I've decided that I'm going to go on the Adkins diet either after Halloween or on Monday 10/20/03. I like my little apartment. I wish I had someone to sleep next to me tonight.
Monday, October 13, 2003
So I let crazy take a spin...
There are times when I truly hate being a woman. Mostly a few days out of the month, really, because of the chaotic emotional changes that occur during PMS that make it very difficult to deal with life. I've concluded that this feeling must be what a manic depressive individual with schizoid tendencies feels like daily. Today has been one of those days schizo when my emotionals have run the full gamut.
I took a nap after getting home from work and woke feeling disoriented, knowing that I had to study for my midterms which begin tomorrow. Then I think a little anxiety hit along with an extreme unwillingness to pick up a book of any kind. This only increased my discontent. I talked to Ben for a moment and I think I sort of felt a little jealous of him...starting a new life in a new and exciting place which appears to me to be overflowing with opportunity.
I started thinking about my life situation...and lonliness and despair hit me square in the gut. None of my best friends live in West Virginia any longer. I'm taking classes that I'm not enjoying at a college that I don't really want to attend, but forced myself to so that I would not become stagnant and overly comfortable. I've made little to no progress in my psychological and physical battle to lose weight and improve my self image. I'm in a relationship that is not entirely satisfying my needs...and I'm unsure if it has a future because of the instability of my partner's life and lifestyle. I've had to say goodbye to my ex-boyfriend who is my dear friend and more like an ex-husband. I'm 25 years old and I'm realizing that I want to be married within the next 5 years. I want to buy a house with my husband...and a new car...and have a couple of kids. And right now I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels.
God, what I would have given for someone to hold me earlier this evening. One would think that I should be able to call upon my boyfriend to serve me in this function, but Steve has his own drama in his own little wrapped up world, so I don't really rely on him for anything. So I ended up having a nice crying episode and then a nice long talk with Shawn's mother, Barb. She helped me make sense of a few things...put a few things in perspective. God bless that old she-bitch! :) I feel better now...not so overwhelmed and just a wee bit stressed.
I'm just so glad that I get to see my friends this weekend. It's been too long and I need some unbridled laughter and joy. Come to think of it, I believe Barkeep Chris had a supply of that in his liquor cabinet last time I was a guest at his fine establishment...Unbridled Laughter & Joy Whisky Liqueur Cordial (100 proof).
Today may be hard and you may feel like you can't continue...but tomorrow really is another day. Things can change tomorrow. I'll be fine. (Until the next time I feel crazy.)
and as soon
as you have
rearranged the mess
in your head
he will show up looking
sane
perfectly sane
if i know crazy
~Tori Amos from Crazy
There are times when I truly hate being a woman. Mostly a few days out of the month, really, because of the chaotic emotional changes that occur during PMS that make it very difficult to deal with life. I've concluded that this feeling must be what a manic depressive individual with schizoid tendencies feels like daily. Today has been one of those days schizo when my emotionals have run the full gamut.
I took a nap after getting home from work and woke feeling disoriented, knowing that I had to study for my midterms which begin tomorrow. Then I think a little anxiety hit along with an extreme unwillingness to pick up a book of any kind. This only increased my discontent. I talked to Ben for a moment and I think I sort of felt a little jealous of him...starting a new life in a new and exciting place which appears to me to be overflowing with opportunity.
I started thinking about my life situation...and lonliness and despair hit me square in the gut. None of my best friends live in West Virginia any longer. I'm taking classes that I'm not enjoying at a college that I don't really want to attend, but forced myself to so that I would not become stagnant and overly comfortable. I've made little to no progress in my psychological and physical battle to lose weight and improve my self image. I'm in a relationship that is not entirely satisfying my needs...and I'm unsure if it has a future because of the instability of my partner's life and lifestyle. I've had to say goodbye to my ex-boyfriend who is my dear friend and more like an ex-husband. I'm 25 years old and I'm realizing that I want to be married within the next 5 years. I want to buy a house with my husband...and a new car...and have a couple of kids. And right now I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels.
God, what I would have given for someone to hold me earlier this evening. One would think that I should be able to call upon my boyfriend to serve me in this function, but Steve has his own drama in his own little wrapped up world, so I don't really rely on him for anything. So I ended up having a nice crying episode and then a nice long talk with Shawn's mother, Barb. She helped me make sense of a few things...put a few things in perspective. God bless that old she-bitch! :) I feel better now...not so overwhelmed and just a wee bit stressed.
I'm just so glad that I get to see my friends this weekend. It's been too long and I need some unbridled laughter and joy. Come to think of it, I believe Barkeep Chris had a supply of that in his liquor cabinet last time I was a guest at his fine establishment...Unbridled Laughter & Joy Whisky Liqueur Cordial (100 proof).
Today may be hard and you may feel like you can't continue...but tomorrow really is another day. Things can change tomorrow. I'll be fine. (Until the next time I feel crazy.)
and as soon
as you have
rearranged the mess
in your head
he will show up looking
sane
perfectly sane
if i know crazy
~Tori Amos from Crazy
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Beginnings and endings...
I've spent the past week or so moving from my old apartment to a new one across the street. I'm now at 2432 instead of 2513. It's a lot smaller, but a hell of a lot cheaper, saving me $145 per month. It's quite cozy actually. I think I'm going to like it very much. :)
It was surprisingly hard emotionally to pack up and move out of the old apartment. I guess I didn't realize how much of a home it was for me and Ben. It wasn't a college apartment...it was our home. Leaving it was cutting that last relationship tie and it was hard. After the whole thing was clean I did a last walk through to make sure I hadn't left something in a cupboard or closet by mistake...and I said goodbye to each room. A few tears traced down my cheeks by the time I closed the door for the last time.
Ben left for Florida this week. Our last goodbye was very difficult. He left on Tuesday morning and I said goodbye to him on Monday. I started crying when he hugged me. He is my best friend and I'm going to miss him terribly. I regret that things did not work between us. There was a time when I only dreampt of being his wife and having his children...but that could not be. That dream died. Sometimes some things just can't be repaired...no matter how much you wish that they could.
Ben has opened a new chapter of his life, one that I hope will be happy and successful. And I'm moving forward with mine. In some regards it feels that our relationship was just a long dream and I've just come back to reality. I pray for happiness, peace, love, and whatever pain fate deems necessary for me to enjoy the rest.
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
~ Sylvia Plath from Mad Gril's Love Song
I've spent the past week or so moving from my old apartment to a new one across the street. I'm now at 2432 instead of 2513. It's a lot smaller, but a hell of a lot cheaper, saving me $145 per month. It's quite cozy actually. I think I'm going to like it very much. :)
It was surprisingly hard emotionally to pack up and move out of the old apartment. I guess I didn't realize how much of a home it was for me and Ben. It wasn't a college apartment...it was our home. Leaving it was cutting that last relationship tie and it was hard. After the whole thing was clean I did a last walk through to make sure I hadn't left something in a cupboard or closet by mistake...and I said goodbye to each room. A few tears traced down my cheeks by the time I closed the door for the last time.
Ben left for Florida this week. Our last goodbye was very difficult. He left on Tuesday morning and I said goodbye to him on Monday. I started crying when he hugged me. He is my best friend and I'm going to miss him terribly. I regret that things did not work between us. There was a time when I only dreampt of being his wife and having his children...but that could not be. That dream died. Sometimes some things just can't be repaired...no matter how much you wish that they could.
Ben has opened a new chapter of his life, one that I hope will be happy and successful. And I'm moving forward with mine. In some regards it feels that our relationship was just a long dream and I've just come back to reality. I pray for happiness, peace, love, and whatever pain fate deems necessary for me to enjoy the rest.
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
~ Sylvia Plath from Mad Gril's Love Song
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