I suggested to Steve on Friday night that we just be friends. We agreed to see each other still and still have sex, but not be dating exclusively. And rules were set about safe sex with other people in that eventuality.

Last night, Ken, Leslie, Sean, Shawn, Chris, Mami, Kelly (Sean's woman), and my sister gathered at my apartment to celebrate Sean's birthday. It was an evening of laughter, alcohol, Taboo, and movies. Fun...wholesome fun.

I spoke with Steve just a few minutes ago and he told me of his night last night. He got so drunk he doesn't remember everything he did. According to one of his friends, he ended up taking off his swimming trunks (after getting out of the hot tub) because a friend mentioned the size of his cock and someone encouraged him to whip it out. Then he walked bare naked into the house to get a beer. Reportedly, there were many, many people there.

When I asked if he was embarrassed he said no. He blames the alcohol...he would never do something like that sober. I scratched my head at that. I've admittedly done and said stupid things whilst drunk...and I've been embarrassed about them the next day, especially because I realize that I'd never have done those things without the alcohol.

I asked him if he had sex and he said he doesn't remember anything...he doesn't think he did. I seriously doubt he did because he is so terribly unattractive when extremely drunk (like most of us). Still, can you say "condom"? Or how 'bout "abstinence"? I don't think I'm going to be getting intimate with him any longer.

It's interesting that this morning I had already decided that I'm going to try sexual abstinence for a while. This just cements my decision. :) Sex has cost me too much over the last 6 years. It has added too much unnecessary stress and drama.

He's a great guy...very fun to be with...witty and clever...but he's just a bit too immature and reckless for my tastes. Perhaps I act too much like an old woman, as he says. Whatever. I guess I'll have to be content with my old, boring, "stick-in-the-mud" self.

I went to see my mom and dad last night and spent the night. We had a wonderful, traditional turkey day dinner with all the trimmin's.

And now I'm home. And I have to work tomorrow. And my head hurts. And I'm lonely.

I'm tired of being lonely.

You know what I want? I want to be in love and happy. That's it. Sounds simple, doesn't it? :)

He pulled away from the kiss, looked her in the eyes, and said, "I love you".

"I know, " she replied, her gaze falling down to her hands and then up again, falling back into two intense pools of black.

"Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have someone like you," he said, his hand carressing her cheek.

"Someone like me...," she echoed, arching one eyebrow.

He said, "I'm sorry. I know I'm not being a very good boyfriend right now, but...". She held up her hand to silence him.
"I'm just trying to figure a few things out..."

"Like whether or not you want to be in a relationship? Yeah, I know." She held his black-brown eyes with her grey-blues for a moment.

"And I'm tired of you not knowing."

A Pie

I spoke with Captain Random today in order to get that recepie for the heavenly Bailey's Irish Cream pie that Mrs. Captain Random made last year. It was good talking to him. :) I miss his insanity at the clinic. :)

Anyway, he's going to be doing social work type work! I told him he didn't need to be in this field...that he was really going to fuck someone up one day!

I've just been enjoying Tori's last CD Scarlet's Walk this evening and wanted to share some lyrics with whoever cares to read them. :)

"how did it go so fast?"
you'll say as we are looking back
and then we'll understand
we held gold dust
in our hands

from Gold Dust

"you have come to discover what you want"
what i want is not to want what isn't mine
"but i am desire" when it all is said and done.

does it all come down
to the thing one girl fears in the night
is another girl's paradise?

from Another Girl's Paradise

where the river crosses the lake
where the words jump off my pen and into your pages

do you think
just like that
you can divide
this you as yours
me as mine to
before we were us?

if the rain has to separate from itself
does it say "pick out your cloud?"

from Your Cloud

Just got home from seeing Guinness Clark's Wine in Huntington. Crystal and Trish went with me and we met up with some chick named Tiffany while we were there.

Good stuff. We had fun. :) They played two new songs tonight and generally kicked ass. :) I got a nice happy buzz, but nothing dramatic.

As usual, Crystal got hit on by some strange guy. I'm going to assume that he was married, as that fits with her current trend.

Steve is being ambivalent towards me again. For those of you who may not know the definition of the word, here ya go:

1 : simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action

2 a: continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite)
2 b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow

I'm too old for this shit.

I was thinking about getting a tatoo. Probably on my lower back. I was hoping to get an image of a snake eating it's tail with the body of the snake forming an infinity symbol. And then some pretty celtic shit around it. I don't know though...I'm probably much too big of a pussy to actually go through with it.

Well, I'm going to get some sleep now.

Meep!

"It is finished! It is done!"

Shoulders slumping, her breath came out a sigh. She closed her eyes. And then she started to breathe again.
She tasted freedom...and something else...something familiar, but not. Someting real, but also beyond reality.

Ah, yes, it was the Dew from the Mountains of Gilgamesh that the elders spoke of often. The proverbial nectar that would give one eternal energy...and it was rumored, eternal life.

And there it was on the tip of her tongue...her tongue...her tongue...sticky and lolling out of her mouth, a trail of drool running down her chin and onto her shirt. She startles awake to find herself sitting at her computer, where she has been for the past several days typing papers for graduate school.

A bottle of half-empty Mountain Dew stands on the desk...mocking her with it's greenness. But she simply laughs.

"It is finished! It is done!"

A Choice

I was so stressed and unhappy on Saturday night (not simply from my school work, but from the cummulative events of this past year) that I simply couldn't stop crying as I drove home to Beckley. Driving and looking out of the car into the night at all of the little dots of streetlights as I passed by, feeling that certain chill in the air, and smelling the cold sent me back to a time when a 15 year-old Christina sat looking out of the window at the same sight, filled with hope, possibility, and a little lonliness, and dreaming of her future. I had so many plans. So much hope. But I look at my life now and I'm dissatisfied.

Now, it's not like I haven't accomplished anything at all. I've made some wonderful friends that I plan on keeping for as long as I live, I've learned so much about life, love, and myself, and I have my B. A. in Psychology. Not too bad. :) The thing that I find dissatisfaction with is my continuing education in graduate school. I'm not excited about it...I don't want to be doing it right now. Right now, I want to take time for me. Right now, I want to do the things that I've always wanted to do, but never had time for. Right now I want to live and be young and a little irresponsible!!!!

And here's where the internal conflict begins. I want to follow my desires and my heart...but that booming responsible, logical voice inside says, "Christina! Don't be foolish! You must continue your education now! If you wait you won't ever finish! And what about becoming a psychologist and taking care of your parents? Don't let your family down by chasing after some childish dreams!!!" And my heart whispers quietly in reply, "Follow your heart! Chase your dreams! If you don't, you will live in a world of regret and what-ifs! Nothing is more horrible than never trying! Take time to do the things you want to do!"

I talked this over with Steve on Sunday night and he made me realize that it's okay and not selfish to want to follow my heart. It's okay to live my life for me sometimes. If I don't take care of me, no one else will. No, instead, the others will simply take and let me be a support for their dreams and goals. So I think I'm going to take a semester off from school. (I went back too soon. I'm still burnt out from undergrad.) And I'm going to focus on losing this 40 lbs. that I've been battling for the past several years and I'm going to learn the beginnings of guitar and piano. The way that I look at it, it's still self improvement and learning, but not self improvement or learning that the psychology world will recognize me for. And I can live with that.

A Night with Mr. Day

I went to see Howie Day in Morgantown last night with Cheryl, a lady from work. The show went from 9:30pm to 1:30am. (I only got home just a bit ago..I .haven't even been to bed yet.)
I saw him for the first time about a year ago when he opened for Tori in Columbus and was blown away by his vocal, lyrical, and musical talents. This past year seems to have been good to Mr. Day as he's even better now than he was before, if that's possible. Kick ass! He's added drums, bass, and electric guitar to his act, but he still continues to use the foot pedals for looping and adding echo. He's just too fucking cool, man. I bought his new CD and a t-shirt. I can't wait to dissect the content of the CD! :)

Howie didn't play the entire time, of course. He had two openers, who also rocked. The first was a very petite girl with a lovely face and voice called Charlotte Martin. She reminds me of a cross between Fiona Apple, Tori Amos, and Sarah McLachlan, so of course I loved her instantly. I bought her CD and her 4 track EP. I had her sign my CD cover sheet just for kicks and she gave me a hug. Later when I was waiting in line to purchase the second performer's CD, she came up to me and pecked me on the shoulder and hugged me again. I had to bend down quite a ways as she's probably only 5'1" or so. I think she was either smoking crack out back with Howie, a lesbian, or was fascinated with me because I'm so much bigger than she is. (Charlotte's thought process when she saw me again: Oh, my god! Look at that girl! She's fucking huge!!! I think I need to hug her again!!!)

Anyway, she's a very talented and refreshingly witty lyricist. She sang a song tonight inspired by a guy she had gone out with once and had a great time with, but he never called her again. She said the song was about trying to find this guy's address and the chorus went:

I’m normal... please date me
I won’t call you half as much as you call me
I’m normal... please date me
I have only stalked a couple guys but they were not about surprises
Don’t run away cause baby I’m your dream

A very pretty song and very fun. Of course, I had to buy an "I'm normal...please date me" t-shirt. :)

Howie's second opener was a young guy by the name of Matt Nathanson who reminds me very much of Howie himself. He has a beautiful voice and sings his sometimes rocking and sometimes slow and folkish melodies with such raw emotion. An apparently accomplished guitarist, he was all over the stage playing the fuck out of that acoustic guitar. As hard as he was strumming, I'm truly surprised that he didn't break a string. He, to, was awesome so I had to buy his CD as well.

Synopsis: For 17 dollars I got in to see three really rad budding artists...I bought 3 CDs, 1 EP, and two T-shirts spending a grand total of 88 dollars. Not too shabby. Well worth the refreshed, lighthearted feeling I now have. Now I'll concentrate my efforts until Thrusday night on writing these two bitching 15 page papers that are due Friday. Wish me luck! (I think I'll be fine.)

So you find me here
Lacking all that you want
Except for the way that I am with everyone

And I find you here
Loving all that you are
Especially the way that you are with everyone

And then I found you in my arms
And your warmth was enough for the moment

Found your body next to mine
All to be used up in a moment

And your warmth was gone in a moment
And everything, it was gone, in a moment

I saw the Matrix Revolutions this afternoon with Patrick and Kevin. It was worse than the second movie. Very boring. I had little emotional connection with the characters, except near the end...but it fell away eventually. Everyone over-acts in the film. I suppose they were trying to convey a sense of urgency...of everything coming down to the wire...by their overly dramatic acting. If they truly wanted to convey a sense of urgency, however, they should have shortened the movie by an hour, perhaps. To top it all off the fight sequences were mostly boring and the special effects weren't really all that good.

Go see it if you must, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Baby, I guess I'm on the other side. I understand your point of view, but I refuse to incorporate this aspect of it into mine. And I can't simply agree to disagree here.

You say the ball is in my court...but really it is in yours. My request is not unreasonable or unhealthy, nor am I trying to control your life and make you into this cookie-cutter image of what I want you to be. I am asking you to make a choice. A choice which will determine what I must chose.

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

~ K's Choice from Not an Addict