Sometimes we make decisions to abstain from certain things or hold back emotions in an attempt to protect ourselves from getting hurt by others. We decide that it's too risky to let people in...too risky to make ourselves vulnerable and simply do what we feel...and so we section ourselves off.
We hurt ourselves by inflicting isolation on ourselves. But we hurt ourselves before anyone else can hurt us. We are in control of the pain. We choose the pain. And we feel more comfortable with this because we have an illusion of control.
Now in those moments when we do take a chance, live in the moment, and follow our hearts...we run a great risk of being hurt in an unpredictable manner. We relinquish control. We may hurt...we may not. It is in letting go, giving in, and living in the moment that we have the greatest potential for joy...the greatest potential for pain.
I choose to live in the moment. Will I hurt? Very likely...but it is certain that I will be pained if I isolate myself and never take this chance to live and to love.
I want somebody who sees the pointlessness and still keeps their purpose in mind;
I want somebody who has a tortured soul...some of the time;
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery;
Or maybe just put it all to words and make me say, "You know, I never heard it put that way".
Make me say, "What did you just say?"
~Ani Difranco "Asking Too Much"
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Columbus, Claddagh, and the Drunkard's Bed
After finishing my finals I went up to Columbus with Burnsy in tow and spent a delightful weekend with my friends. I met Tina from Seattle, who is an adorable, petite, and vivacious individual whom I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know.
Shortly after our arrival on that Saturday night, Burnsy and I paid Shawn $10 a piece to run to the guy's apartment next door with a flaming yellow silk scarf draped around his neck and scream, "I want cock!" They told him to get the hell out. :)
Following that we had dinner at the Columbus Brewing Co. where I had the best lemon chicken, spinach, and garlic mashed potatos that I've ever tasted in my life!
We tried to find a bar with a live band or a dance club that would let Burnsy in (as he lost his license in the river), however we encountered no doorman that was even slightly swayed by his charms. So, after a few attempts we found ourselves at a restaurant/irish pub called Claddagh, which Shawn and Chris frequent. It was a rather charming place, complete with roaring fireplaces and a 4 piece irish band.
We all got drunk, except for Burns who had been high on Lortab earlier in the evening. (He was in an accident the previous week and had a cracked rib or two.) I polished off 5 Long Island Iced Teas, Tina had several glasses of champagne, Chris had alot of beer and a few Irish Car Bombs, and Shawn had the same as Chris. Shawn, however, had 5 or so shots before we left the house. The effect of the extra alcohol in his system became apparent when all of us were talking, laughing, and joking except for Shawn...who was quietly drooling on his corner of the table. After a bit, he excused himself to the restoom to throw up for a very long time. And then I think he laid in the bathroom floor for a while too. :) The next morning he was still wearing the same black turtleneck and it bore evidence of his dealings with the porcelain goddes on the left arm. 'Atta boy, Shawn!
In general, we were loud and drunk and jolly and ended up acquainting ourselves with the table next to us and the waitress, Callie. The waitress invited us to the bar she was going to after work called the Hey-Hey! or the Hay-Hay! or something like that. We were drunk and invited, so we went! :) It was a dark, seedy little place. Tink and I played about 30 songs on the juke box and danced a little while the boys played pool. Some bald guy that worked for Pizza Hut bought everyone in the bar a round of drinks. I drank about 2 glasses of champagne....god knows I didn't need to drink anymore! :) We stayed there until the place closed and then an unfortunate Mr. Burns drove the drunkards home.
I don't remember much about the ride home except for Chris acting like an ass and hanging out the window...Burnsy getting pissed off at trying to drive and having no one to give him directions...me calling and talking to Chris' ex-wife on his cell phone and telling her how sorry I was it didn't work out for them...and lots of hysteria and drunkenness.
We got home and got ready for bed. Chris, Tina, me, and Burns ended up in Chris' bed for a bit. There was a lot of talking, laughing, legs being thrown over people, groping of boobies, and horseplay. There was, thank god!, no nudity. And I kept threatening Burn's life if he so much as popped a semi in my back. Tina talked about her mom then and Chris and I attempted to comfort her and give her advice. Note to self: Never attempt to provide supportive counseling to friends while drunk ever again.
The next morning I was hung over as hell. And craving halapeno poppers. So we all had Arby's, watched a few episodes of Futurama, and then watched True Romance.
It was, all in all, a delightful time. I missed Tina's departure due to being in the shower but I send her a hug now *hug* and am confident that I will see her in the future to give her a real one. :) Keep in touch, please, Tina! You're one cool chica!
Parkersburg Treatment Center, the Brain Fever, and The Hours
Burns and I drove back to Charleston on Sunday evening. I started washing clothes and packing for my week in Parkersburg as soon as I got home. I didn't get to bed until 1am or so and had to get up at 3:30am, so I was totally zonked. Cyndi picked me up at 4:30am and we arrived at Parkersburg Treatment Center at 6am very tired, but ready to work.
Cyndi and I, along with 2 other counselors and 1 supervisor, had been asked to work all week in Parkersburg to get them ready for their visit from CARF (the Commision on Accreditation of Rehabilitation Services), who basically decides if they can remain accredited and in business. Since they requested our help, we expected things to be a bit behind...but not quite as behind as we found them. Well...perhaps behind is not even the correct word. The records were in shambles, simply put. Sometimes vital consents and paperwork was not even completed. We spent all week cleaning up what we legally could and meeting with patients, trying to get as many charts updated as we possibly could in a week's time. It was extremely stressful and grueling.
The company put us up in the Holiday Inn next to the treatment center. I would like to say that the indoor pool, the hot tub, the sauna, and the free meals and room service made up for the stress of the week...but it didn't. I did enjoy hotel life for about the first three days. After that I just wanted to come home. My desire to be in my own bed could have come from me getting sick while there, I suppose.
On Monday I came down with a little cough, or Tuesday it worsened, and by Wednesday I was a royal mess complete with chills and fever. I went back to the hotel room on Wednesday evening and went straight to bed. I was absolutely freezing but burning up at the same time. My fever kept rising in spite of me using cold compresses on my head and neck. I became obsessed with the idea that if I went to sleep my fever would continue to worsen and I would fall into a coma and get brain damage. I took three Advil to no avail. Cyndi returned from Walmart with the ingredients for Lemon-Honey-Ginger Tea and I made and drank two cups, heavy on the ginger.
Within an hour and a half I started sweating and my fever began to break. I was, however, still obsessed with the idea that I was going to get brain damage. Cyndi later mocked how absolutely absurd my fear was and told me she was glad that my brain fever was gone and over with so she didn't have to listen to my incessant ranting about brain damage. Still, I'm not sure that I didn't suffer any from the way my brain feels right now. :)
I worked the rest of the week with little event and returned to Charleston on Friday evening. I crashed in my bed at 4:30pm to wake at 11:30pm and then at 9:30am and then at 1:00pm today. I finally got up at 1:00pm and unpacked, cleaned, and took a shower. I then went Christmas shopping and knocked a few people off my little list.
I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep at a proper time because of my screwed up sleep so I rented The Hours and watched it. I liked it. A bit sad and morbid, yes, but I liked it just the same. It's one of those movies that makes you think about your life. One of the characters is reminiscing about her youth and describes a feeling of possibility and the thought that accompanied that feeling "This must be the beginning of happiness." only to realize years later that that feeling was happiness and that it was fleeting and unrecognizable until it was gone. It happens like that a lot in life. It often seems like I'm sailing from one little island of happiness to the next only to leave that one to go searching for another one. One that I may never find. People ask me what I want and I tell them I want to be happy. But happiness is transient...it's not permanent...it's not something you can box up, contain, and hold. It is a look, a word, a feeling, a moment. And then it's gone and you live in it's afterglow for a bit. Some people are lucky enough to have happiness, afterglow, happiness, afterglow without a pause in-between so that they don't realize that happiness isn't continuous. Some people are that lucky. I want to be that lucky. "When you realize life for what it is and accept it...and then let it go." I'm still working at the realizing and accepting life part...
After finishing my finals I went up to Columbus with Burnsy in tow and spent a delightful weekend with my friends. I met Tina from Seattle, who is an adorable, petite, and vivacious individual whom I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know.
Shortly after our arrival on that Saturday night, Burnsy and I paid Shawn $10 a piece to run to the guy's apartment next door with a flaming yellow silk scarf draped around his neck and scream, "I want cock!" They told him to get the hell out. :)
Following that we had dinner at the Columbus Brewing Co. where I had the best lemon chicken, spinach, and garlic mashed potatos that I've ever tasted in my life!
We tried to find a bar with a live band or a dance club that would let Burnsy in (as he lost his license in the river), however we encountered no doorman that was even slightly swayed by his charms. So, after a few attempts we found ourselves at a restaurant/irish pub called Claddagh, which Shawn and Chris frequent. It was a rather charming place, complete with roaring fireplaces and a 4 piece irish band.
We all got drunk, except for Burns who had been high on Lortab earlier in the evening. (He was in an accident the previous week and had a cracked rib or two.) I polished off 5 Long Island Iced Teas, Tina had several glasses of champagne, Chris had alot of beer and a few Irish Car Bombs, and Shawn had the same as Chris. Shawn, however, had 5 or so shots before we left the house. The effect of the extra alcohol in his system became apparent when all of us were talking, laughing, and joking except for Shawn...who was quietly drooling on his corner of the table. After a bit, he excused himself to the restoom to throw up for a very long time. And then I think he laid in the bathroom floor for a while too. :) The next morning he was still wearing the same black turtleneck and it bore evidence of his dealings with the porcelain goddes on the left arm. 'Atta boy, Shawn!
In general, we were loud and drunk and jolly and ended up acquainting ourselves with the table next to us and the waitress, Callie. The waitress invited us to the bar she was going to after work called the Hey-Hey! or the Hay-Hay! or something like that. We were drunk and invited, so we went! :) It was a dark, seedy little place. Tink and I played about 30 songs on the juke box and danced a little while the boys played pool. Some bald guy that worked for Pizza Hut bought everyone in the bar a round of drinks. I drank about 2 glasses of champagne....god knows I didn't need to drink anymore! :) We stayed there until the place closed and then an unfortunate Mr. Burns drove the drunkards home.
I don't remember much about the ride home except for Chris acting like an ass and hanging out the window...Burnsy getting pissed off at trying to drive and having no one to give him directions...me calling and talking to Chris' ex-wife on his cell phone and telling her how sorry I was it didn't work out for them...and lots of hysteria and drunkenness.
We got home and got ready for bed. Chris, Tina, me, and Burns ended up in Chris' bed for a bit. There was a lot of talking, laughing, legs being thrown over people, groping of boobies, and horseplay. There was, thank god!, no nudity. And I kept threatening Burn's life if he so much as popped a semi in my back. Tina talked about her mom then and Chris and I attempted to comfort her and give her advice. Note to self: Never attempt to provide supportive counseling to friends while drunk ever again.
The next morning I was hung over as hell. And craving halapeno poppers. So we all had Arby's, watched a few episodes of Futurama, and then watched True Romance.
It was, all in all, a delightful time. I missed Tina's departure due to being in the shower but I send her a hug now *hug* and am confident that I will see her in the future to give her a real one. :) Keep in touch, please, Tina! You're one cool chica!
Parkersburg Treatment Center, the Brain Fever, and The Hours
Burns and I drove back to Charleston on Sunday evening. I started washing clothes and packing for my week in Parkersburg as soon as I got home. I didn't get to bed until 1am or so and had to get up at 3:30am, so I was totally zonked. Cyndi picked me up at 4:30am and we arrived at Parkersburg Treatment Center at 6am very tired, but ready to work.
Cyndi and I, along with 2 other counselors and 1 supervisor, had been asked to work all week in Parkersburg to get them ready for their visit from CARF (the Commision on Accreditation of Rehabilitation Services), who basically decides if they can remain accredited and in business. Since they requested our help, we expected things to be a bit behind...but not quite as behind as we found them. Well...perhaps behind is not even the correct word. The records were in shambles, simply put. Sometimes vital consents and paperwork was not even completed. We spent all week cleaning up what we legally could and meeting with patients, trying to get as many charts updated as we possibly could in a week's time. It was extremely stressful and grueling.
The company put us up in the Holiday Inn next to the treatment center. I would like to say that the indoor pool, the hot tub, the sauna, and the free meals and room service made up for the stress of the week...but it didn't. I did enjoy hotel life for about the first three days. After that I just wanted to come home. My desire to be in my own bed could have come from me getting sick while there, I suppose.
On Monday I came down with a little cough, or Tuesday it worsened, and by Wednesday I was a royal mess complete with chills and fever. I went back to the hotel room on Wednesday evening and went straight to bed. I was absolutely freezing but burning up at the same time. My fever kept rising in spite of me using cold compresses on my head and neck. I became obsessed with the idea that if I went to sleep my fever would continue to worsen and I would fall into a coma and get brain damage. I took three Advil to no avail. Cyndi returned from Walmart with the ingredients for Lemon-Honey-Ginger Tea and I made and drank two cups, heavy on the ginger.
Within an hour and a half I started sweating and my fever began to break. I was, however, still obsessed with the idea that I was going to get brain damage. Cyndi later mocked how absolutely absurd my fear was and told me she was glad that my brain fever was gone and over with so she didn't have to listen to my incessant ranting about brain damage. Still, I'm not sure that I didn't suffer any from the way my brain feels right now. :)
I worked the rest of the week with little event and returned to Charleston on Friday evening. I crashed in my bed at 4:30pm to wake at 11:30pm and then at 9:30am and then at 1:00pm today. I finally got up at 1:00pm and unpacked, cleaned, and took a shower. I then went Christmas shopping and knocked a few people off my little list.
I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep at a proper time because of my screwed up sleep so I rented The Hours and watched it. I liked it. A bit sad and morbid, yes, but I liked it just the same. It's one of those movies that makes you think about your life. One of the characters is reminiscing about her youth and describes a feeling of possibility and the thought that accompanied that feeling "This must be the beginning of happiness." only to realize years later that that feeling was happiness and that it was fleeting and unrecognizable until it was gone. It happens like that a lot in life. It often seems like I'm sailing from one little island of happiness to the next only to leave that one to go searching for another one. One that I may never find. People ask me what I want and I tell them I want to be happy. But happiness is transient...it's not permanent...it's not something you can box up, contain, and hold. It is a look, a word, a feeling, a moment. And then it's gone and you live in it's afterglow for a bit. Some people are lucky enough to have happiness, afterglow, happiness, afterglow without a pause in-between so that they don't realize that happiness isn't continuous. Some people are that lucky. I want to be that lucky. "When you realize life for what it is and accept it...and then let it go." I'm still working at the realizing and accepting life part...
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
Two tests down...two more to go.
Yup. I'm really looking forward to coming home tomorrow and reading 5 chapters and then stressing over another test...and then doing the same thing over on Friday! Yup. It'll be loads of fun.
I spoke with Steve last night and he was apologetic for his actions on Saturday. He told me that he had learned from his friends that he did not, in fact, stick his dick in anyone or anything that night as he had presumed due to the fact that he was so unattractively inebriated.
I explained to him that his loss of control and lack of precaution not only was dissrespectful to himself, but also to me. If he were to have had unprotected sex with someone and not remember it and we were to actually have sex again, he would place me at risk for contracting something nasty. He apologized. Still, I'm incredibly turned-off.
We concluded that he's far too immature to be in a serious romantic relationship right now. He feels that I require too much attention. Well...when I'm in a relationship, I like to spend time with my boyfriend...I like to cuddle with him, talk to him, go places with him, have sex with him. I think most people work that way, right? He, however, is not accustomed to much attention and felt smothered. He also appears to be frightened by the label "Serious committed relationship". To him it goes hand in hand with getting older...growing up and taking responsibility...and becoming a "stick-in-the-mud". :)
I know we're much better off simply dating casually. I feel much better about the whole situation. More in control. We also decided that we would attempt to remain friends, even after the romantic aspect of our relationship fizzles completely. I think that he doesn't have many genuine friends...he needs every one that he can salvage.
I'm puzzled tonight, however. He called me a few minutes ago...we talked for a bit about our days and other mundane trivialities...and then he told me very sweetly that he missed me. When I was crazy-in-love with him that would have melted me in my boots. Tonight, however, I simply arched my right eyebrow and said in a very patronizing tone, "Awwww! Do you? Really?"
I'm incredulous and curious as to what he thinks he's going to accomplish with his statement. I suppose he doesn't realize how very detached I've become. He already feels more like a friend to me than anything else.
Hmmm...I suppose that I'm a person of extremes...either in something all the way, or not in it at all. I can't be just kind of involved.
All or nothing at all
Half a love, never appealed to me
If your heart, never could yield to me
Then I'd rather have nothing at all
~ Frank Sinatra from All or Nothing at All
Yup. I'm really looking forward to coming home tomorrow and reading 5 chapters and then stressing over another test...and then doing the same thing over on Friday! Yup. It'll be loads of fun.
I spoke with Steve last night and he was apologetic for his actions on Saturday. He told me that he had learned from his friends that he did not, in fact, stick his dick in anyone or anything that night as he had presumed due to the fact that he was so unattractively inebriated.
I explained to him that his loss of control and lack of precaution not only was dissrespectful to himself, but also to me. If he were to have had unprotected sex with someone and not remember it and we were to actually have sex again, he would place me at risk for contracting something nasty. He apologized. Still, I'm incredibly turned-off.
We concluded that he's far too immature to be in a serious romantic relationship right now. He feels that I require too much attention. Well...when I'm in a relationship, I like to spend time with my boyfriend...I like to cuddle with him, talk to him, go places with him, have sex with him. I think most people work that way, right? He, however, is not accustomed to much attention and felt smothered. He also appears to be frightened by the label "Serious committed relationship". To him it goes hand in hand with getting older...growing up and taking responsibility...and becoming a "stick-in-the-mud". :)
I know we're much better off simply dating casually. I feel much better about the whole situation. More in control. We also decided that we would attempt to remain friends, even after the romantic aspect of our relationship fizzles completely. I think that he doesn't have many genuine friends...he needs every one that he can salvage.
I'm puzzled tonight, however. He called me a few minutes ago...we talked for a bit about our days and other mundane trivialities...and then he told me very sweetly that he missed me. When I was crazy-in-love with him that would have melted me in my boots. Tonight, however, I simply arched my right eyebrow and said in a very patronizing tone, "Awwww! Do you? Really?"
I'm incredulous and curious as to what he thinks he's going to accomplish with his statement. I suppose he doesn't realize how very detached I've become. He already feels more like a friend to me than anything else.
Hmmm...I suppose that I'm a person of extremes...either in something all the way, or not in it at all. I can't be just kind of involved.
All or nothing at all
Half a love, never appealed to me
If your heart, never could yield to me
Then I'd rather have nothing at all
~ Frank Sinatra from All or Nothing at All
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