So the tooth is still a bit bothersome. I turned in last night at midnight, woke up at 8:30 this morning, popped another pill, and then slept until 1:00 PM. I am the queen of unmotivation today!
I actually did step outside the door of my apartment today. And I showered. :)
Good ol' crazy Steve Perry invited me over to watch The Godfather Part I through III today. I made it through half of a Husson's Pizza and Part I, but then decided to call it a night. There's only so much of each other we can take in one day.
About halfway through the movie, right before Sonny gets shot down, Steve leaned forward with a sudden intake of breath, screamed, looked all around screaming, then looked over at me, screamed, and then jumped back screaming. I thought for sure he had finally snapped and was going to go for a knife from the kitchen and plant it deep within my skull. But no. He had simply fallen asleep and had a bad dream. Jesus, he scared me though. Crazy ass motherfucker. He had that wild look in his eye and he told me that for a second there he didn't know who I was. Scary shit.
On the drive home to my apartment I was overcome by a sudden wave of lonliness and aloneness and I started crying. I was depressed by the fact that I have no friends in this city anymore. I have no friends that are not alredy affiliated with a unit. Cyndi is married and has kids, Sally is married, Eric, Patrick, and Kevin are married, Kelly has a kid. My brother lives here but he has a family and other commitments. And visiting all of these people who belong with other people just drives home the fact and feeling that I'm alone. I have no one else in my unit. I am alone.
It's not about being in a relationship. That's not it. I'm content with being single. I am not content, however in feeling isolated and detached...having no one to be my partner in crime.
Chris and Shawn have each other, Ben and Pat have each other, Ken and Leslie have each other, Burnsy has his girl in Tampa...who do I have? My family, yes, but they are units seperate from me. Mom has Dad, Wayne has Cheryl and Megan.
The only people that aren't part of a unit are Rose, Nora, and Steve. Rose lives in Maryland, Nora in Parkersburg, and Steve is fucking crazy.
I guess that's why the idea of moving to Baltimore seems so appealing. I'm tired of being lonely!
I want somebody who sees the pointlessness and still keeps their purpose in mind;
I want somebody who has a tortured soul...some of the time;
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery;
Or maybe just put it all to words and make me say, "You know, I never heard it put that way".
Make me say, "What did you just say?"
~Ani Difranco "Asking Too Much"
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Thursday, April 22, 2004
An Ending & A Beginning
The Memo
It's final...it's official...I have quit the methadone clinic.
My last day at Charleston Treatment Center was on Thursday, April 1, 2004. On Wednesday night I wrote a heartfelt, but quirky letter to the staff, ribbing my (former) coworkers one last time and saying "goodbye". I also decided to type up some loose notes to take with me in my exit interview. The notes turned into a very direct and honest four page memo on why I was leaving the clinic, what was wrong with morale, and how it could be repaired. I gave a copy of my goodbye letter and the memo to every staff member. I also faxed a copy of the memo to the HR coordinator who in turn faxed it to the regional manager. I then presented it to my (former) program director during my nerve-wracking exit interview. My former coworkers are now referring to me as Jerry McGuire, I hear. :)
A Pirate Ship, a Privy, and a Perfect Moment
That weekend I packed my parents up in my car and drove to Baltimore, MD to visit my sister for the weekend. We all went to the Inner Harbor one day to see some sights and enjoy the day. It had been cold and rainy all weekend, but the sun had decided to come out and warm up the air for a brief period of time.
While at the Harbor I got to tour this fucking awesome naval vessel built in the last 1700s called the U.S.S. Constellation. It looked like more like a pirate ship than a naval vessel, but that’s only because I’ve watched way too many movies. ;) The upper deck was fascinating, with massive masts, and sails, and coils of rope lying all about. I was half tempted to try and climb up to the crow’s nest, but decided against it. Because I’m a pussy.
Anyway, the second deck down was made up of the captain’s quarters and the gunnery. I had to bend down from time to time to keep from hitting my head, but nothing too annoying. Cannons were lined up all along either side of this deck, poking their menacing heads out, ready to fire at enemy ships. The captain’s quarters were nice, considering, and consisted of a large dining/meeting area, a small bedroom, a sitting room, and a very small, private privy. I posed for a picture sitting in the captain's privy, but that roll of film didn't turn out! Damn piece of shit camera!
Anyway, the third deck down held the officer’s quarters, which were basic wooden cells with beds built in the walls. Fancy, eh? This deck was also where the crew prepared and ate their meals (the galley) and where the lower ranking crewmen slept in hammocks hanging from the ceiling or on the deck itself. At the far end, away from the officer’s quarters, was the sickbay and doctor’s quarters. It was pretty cramped and I had to stay continuously ducked down to keep from knocking my noggin. I had a hard time imagining a crew of a 100 men or so sharing such a tiny space for months and months! It would’ve drove me fucking insane!
The fourth deck down was the cargo hold and it was made more for crawling than for walking. The boards/planks at the very bottom of the ship were the original, ancient wooden planks that were cut out of trees that were felled about 200 years ago to build this fantastic ship. Those pieces of wood had seen 200 years of sailing and were still in fairly decent condition! Pretty cool stuff, man!
After the pirate ship, Dad and I walked to the end of the pier, while Rose and Mom window-shopped. I listened while he pointed out buildings and landmarks like he had visited there 20 times before. I enjoyed the sound of youthful excitement in his voice, the warm of the sun, the sound of the water, and the gentle coolness of the breeze against my skin. A small group of Mexican street musicians set up and began playing; one guy with a panpipe and two guitar accompanists. Words cannot capture the beautiful and haunting quality of the music that they produced that day. It had been a while since I had heard anything that inspired such an awe and stillness in my soul. Walking & laughing with my family, the sun, the smell of the clean air, the people, the crisp breeze, and that music. It tied everything together and made the moment perfect.
A Challenge
I drove back that Sunday and on Monday, April 5, 2004, I started my new job at Prestera Center for Mental Health. I now work for Prestera's Putnam County Innerchange Program, which is an intensive outpatient day treatment program for behavior-disordered kids, ages 5 to 18.
The “day treatment” part means that the kids attend from 8:30am to 2:30pm. They receive 1 and ½ hours of school, 4 hours of group therapy, and at least 30 minutes of individual therapy per day. You’re probably thinking, “That’s a hell of a lot of therapy in one day.” Yup. It is. That’s the “intensive outpatient” part. The kids attend the program from anywhere between 30 to 60 days, depending on the severity of their issue.
These kids have been kicked out of the school system for repeated and/or extreme behavioral problems. The problems/diagnoses include separation anxiety, social anxiety, depression, ADHD, oppositional-defiant disorder, anger management issues, self-mutilation, bipolarity, personality disorders, and substance abuse problems.
Let me tell ya…the position is proving to be quite challenging. I've had to almost totally rethink my approach to counseling. In dealing with kids, I’m more like a teacher. It's very strange for me, really. I'm actually coming home every night and creating "lesson plans" for the next days group sessions.
Working with these guys for the little time that I have has already proven rewarding. I learn so much every single day and I know that the skills I'm picking up now are going to prove invaluable to me in the future.
One thing I've learned this week is that I'm "old". The 12 year old girl in my adolescent group said yesterday, "I've never heard an old person say 'dude' before!" Old person? What the fuck?
Yeah…I think I'm going to like it. :)
The Memo
It's final...it's official...I have quit the methadone clinic.
My last day at Charleston Treatment Center was on Thursday, April 1, 2004. On Wednesday night I wrote a heartfelt, but quirky letter to the staff, ribbing my (former) coworkers one last time and saying "goodbye". I also decided to type up some loose notes to take with me in my exit interview. The notes turned into a very direct and honest four page memo on why I was leaving the clinic, what was wrong with morale, and how it could be repaired. I gave a copy of my goodbye letter and the memo to every staff member. I also faxed a copy of the memo to the HR coordinator who in turn faxed it to the regional manager. I then presented it to my (former) program director during my nerve-wracking exit interview. My former coworkers are now referring to me as Jerry McGuire, I hear. :)
A Pirate Ship, a Privy, and a Perfect Moment
That weekend I packed my parents up in my car and drove to Baltimore, MD to visit my sister for the weekend. We all went to the Inner Harbor one day to see some sights and enjoy the day. It had been cold and rainy all weekend, but the sun had decided to come out and warm up the air for a brief period of time.
While at the Harbor I got to tour this fucking awesome naval vessel built in the last 1700s called the U.S.S. Constellation. It looked like more like a pirate ship than a naval vessel, but that’s only because I’ve watched way too many movies. ;) The upper deck was fascinating, with massive masts, and sails, and coils of rope lying all about. I was half tempted to try and climb up to the crow’s nest, but decided against it. Because I’m a pussy.
Anyway, the second deck down was made up of the captain’s quarters and the gunnery. I had to bend down from time to time to keep from hitting my head, but nothing too annoying. Cannons were lined up all along either side of this deck, poking their menacing heads out, ready to fire at enemy ships. The captain’s quarters were nice, considering, and consisted of a large dining/meeting area, a small bedroom, a sitting room, and a very small, private privy. I posed for a picture sitting in the captain's privy, but that roll of film didn't turn out! Damn piece of shit camera!
Anyway, the third deck down held the officer’s quarters, which were basic wooden cells with beds built in the walls. Fancy, eh? This deck was also where the crew prepared and ate their meals (the galley) and where the lower ranking crewmen slept in hammocks hanging from the ceiling or on the deck itself. At the far end, away from the officer’s quarters, was the sickbay and doctor’s quarters. It was pretty cramped and I had to stay continuously ducked down to keep from knocking my noggin. I had a hard time imagining a crew of a 100 men or so sharing such a tiny space for months and months! It would’ve drove me fucking insane!
The fourth deck down was the cargo hold and it was made more for crawling than for walking. The boards/planks at the very bottom of the ship were the original, ancient wooden planks that were cut out of trees that were felled about 200 years ago to build this fantastic ship. Those pieces of wood had seen 200 years of sailing and were still in fairly decent condition! Pretty cool stuff, man!
After the pirate ship, Dad and I walked to the end of the pier, while Rose and Mom window-shopped. I listened while he pointed out buildings and landmarks like he had visited there 20 times before. I enjoyed the sound of youthful excitement in his voice, the warm of the sun, the sound of the water, and the gentle coolness of the breeze against my skin. A small group of Mexican street musicians set up and began playing; one guy with a panpipe and two guitar accompanists. Words cannot capture the beautiful and haunting quality of the music that they produced that day. It had been a while since I had heard anything that inspired such an awe and stillness in my soul. Walking & laughing with my family, the sun, the smell of the clean air, the people, the crisp breeze, and that music. It tied everything together and made the moment perfect.
A Challenge
I drove back that Sunday and on Monday, April 5, 2004, I started my new job at Prestera Center for Mental Health. I now work for Prestera's Putnam County Innerchange Program, which is an intensive outpatient day treatment program for behavior-disordered kids, ages 5 to 18.
The “day treatment” part means that the kids attend from 8:30am to 2:30pm. They receive 1 and ½ hours of school, 4 hours of group therapy, and at least 30 minutes of individual therapy per day. You’re probably thinking, “That’s a hell of a lot of therapy in one day.” Yup. It is. That’s the “intensive outpatient” part. The kids attend the program from anywhere between 30 to 60 days, depending on the severity of their issue.
These kids have been kicked out of the school system for repeated and/or extreme behavioral problems. The problems/diagnoses include separation anxiety, social anxiety, depression, ADHD, oppositional-defiant disorder, anger management issues, self-mutilation, bipolarity, personality disorders, and substance abuse problems.
Let me tell ya…the position is proving to be quite challenging. I've had to almost totally rethink my approach to counseling. In dealing with kids, I’m more like a teacher. It's very strange for me, really. I'm actually coming home every night and creating "lesson plans" for the next days group sessions.
Working with these guys for the little time that I have has already proven rewarding. I learn so much every single day and I know that the skills I'm picking up now are going to prove invaluable to me in the future.
One thing I've learned this week is that I'm "old". The 12 year old girl in my adolescent group said yesterday, "I've never heard an old person say 'dude' before!" Old person? What the fuck?
Yeah…I think I'm going to like it. :)
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