My vagina is like a retarded drooling baby...

Renaissance Festival 2004

As many correctly guessed, I was completely...well...um...WASTED while writing my last post. =) And wasted I remained until 4:00am ish when I dropped off to sleep in Chris's floor. But that's the end of the story! Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Nora, Michelle, & I drove up to Columbus on Friday, Oct. 8th followed by Kevin, his "wife", Debbie, Crystal, & Trish. We met up with Ken, Leslie, Shawn, & Chris at the Bald Man & Psychopath's new apartment. Chris made a few drinks for everyone, told the story of "The Magic Juice, the Towers, & the Dark Citadel" or, as I like to call it, "The Tale of Three Drunken Fools". We then retired to beds, chairs, couch, & carpet for a mediocre night's sleep.

Saturday we drove to Harveysburg, OH to the one and only fabulous Ohio Renaissance Festival!!!! Huzzah!!!! We arrived around 11:00 am and immediately made our way to the first beer garden for the first beer of the day! We then made our way to see the fearless Daniel, Duke of Danger who was an acrobat of sorts, performing death defying feats while also delivering a comedic monologue with impeccable timing. =) Although Daniel, Duke of Danger was quite funny, he seemed also quite fearful, commenting several times that he hoped he didn't die or squish anyone if he fell. Luckily, he didn't. (It seems that I took the most pictures of his act as it was the only one during which I was sober.)

The Duke of Danger awed us by balancing himself on a ladder, while spinning rings on his arms with a plate spinning on a stick held in his teeth. He further wowed us by balancing on a teetering board placed atop crisscrossed metal pipes. For this feat of daring he called upon the assistance of our own Mr. Berry. Daniel was a 40 something balding man & said that he chose Shawn because he "saw his future shining" at him every time he looked at Shawn's head! Ouch! Instead of shoving the Duke off stage onto the heads of our fellow patrons, as may have been his first impulse, Shawn rose to the occassion. He kept the entertainer from killing having a sudden collision with the ground, and possibly smashing his skull in, and thereby kept the children in attendance from being irrevocably scarred. I was quite proud, really.

After that we made our way to the privies to relieve ourselves & then to Queen's Pub for more of the Queen's finest ale! We attended the Mudde Show and saw Dante's Inferno...again...at my urging. I promise those of you who will attend next year, we will see the Viking Show or nothing else at the Theatre in the Ground! No more Dante's Inferno! Well...maybe the year after. I want to be Beatrice once, after all, so I can surprise the hell out of them and jump in the mud pitt!!

Once the Mudde Show had ended, we were getting tipsy. Well...some of us were. Ken was just getting wet. I accidentally knocked his beer all over him and Leslie during the Mudde Show and someone else knocked another out of his hands later. I think he wore about the same amount of beer as he drank during our time at Ren Fest. I'm sorry Ken, you poor loveable bastard, you!

So some of us slightly intoxicated, we decided that it was a good idea to start throwing sharp metal things at targets! The sober people didn't try to stop us. The boys tried their hand at flinging dulled throwing stars at wooden targets and then us girls gave it a whirl. As I recall the women seemed to do much better than the men, Crystal putting everyone to shame by actually hitting a target dead on! We then wandered along, browsing the merchant's wares. The girls stopped to try on leather bodices that squished their boobies together in a flattering manner and posed for a photo, as has become tradition. We then headed down the path to grab some steak on a stake, turkey legs, & other not-so-medieval foods like, ice cream.

After eating we watched Stewartsky the Juggler juggle his rubber chicken, a basketball (at my request), a sickel, an axe, & Leslie's favorite, FIRE!!!!!!!! We didn't heckle him so much this year as their were 8 year old kids in the audience doing it for us...and we were actually getting pretty annoyed at them. So was Stewarsky. He told one kid to shut up or leave! Damn skippy!

Once the Juggler had juggled with all of his might, I requested that we stop and listen to the Minstrels of Mayhem, has I had always wanted to watch the musicians perform & participate in the Pub Sing. Nora & I got a fairly decent seat while all of the rest remained in the back. Most of our group really couldn't hear all that well, so they lost interest & wandered off to do their own thing for an hour before meeting up again at the front gate. Nora & I chose to stay and listen to the Minstrels and other players in the makeshift outdoor inn common room. We drank, we sang, we swung our cups from side to side, & learned several fun little traditional Pub Sing songs as well as a few that had been originally composed by the entertainers.

"Oh dear! What can the matter be?
Seven old ladies stuck in the lavatory!?!?
nobody knew they were there!!"
*************************************************
"Mary Mac's father's making Mary Mac marry me
My father's making me marry Mary Mac
I gotta marry Mary if I want her to take care of me
We'll all be making merry when I marry Mary Mac!"
*************************************************
" Oh never, Oh never, Oh never again!!
If I live to be a hundred or a hundred and ten!!
I fell to the ground and I couldn't get up
After drinking a quart of the Johnny Jump Up"
**************************************************

Once the Sing was over, I wandered up and began looking through the CDs the performers had available, and was approached by the most beautiful man. He had shoulder length brown hair, a nicely trimmed beard and mustache, warm brown eyes, an inviting smile, & very touchable-looking skin. Not to mention he had a fine guitar. He introduced himself as Rodger. My intoxicated mind could not retain that information. All I could note was that he was very attractive & looked a lot like the European renderings of Jesus. And so I mentally referred to him as Jesus. And at that moment I wanted to fuck the hell out of Jesus. Not our Lord and Saviour, the Rose of Sharon, the Rock of Ages Jesus, mind you, but Renaissance Festival, hottie, farm hand, college student, 19 year-old Jesus. (With this information, hopefully my last post will make more sense...and those of you who are religious can stop praying so hard for me.)

As I said, we talked for a while. He let me play his guitar. Or attempt to at least. I was so far intoxicated that I could only recall how to make a C chord. And my mind was further boggled by the fact that he had a 12-string guitar. I repeatedly announced to the amusement of all that I was WASTED!! He gave me a little leaf pin, admired my "I fuck on the first date." t-shirt, & when asked if his girlfriend would get jealous of his flirtatious behavior, stated, "Well, she's at the front gate and doesn't need to know." I looked at my watch and realized that it was 10 minutes past the appointed meeting time, said farewell with a kiss, & bolted, with Nora in tow, across the village green, across the little bridge over the little creek, past shops & shopkeepers, to the front gate. =) We were agonizingly out of breath when we met up with the crew. I talked about Jesus the whole car ride back to Shawn and Chris' & for a good portion of the evening.

Upon returning to the apartment we stuffed our faces with sandwhiches and resumed, and for those sober folks, began consuming alcohol. We played poker & Indian poker, Chris drew a "tatoo" of an evil TOOL-ish looking eyeball with a gaping mouth connected to it on the back of my neck. Shawn drew all sorts of wacky shit all over Crystal's legs, including an image of a smiling man...Jesus perhaps?...holding a fish taco & another image of a man with a large, deformed, dangling penis hanging between his legs. Lovely artistry, Shawn. Lovely.

I passed out at about 4:00 am in Chris' bedroom floor & awoke again at 5:00 am to exercise my two way esophageal valve and empty the contents of my stomach into his toilet. The next morning I felt fine except for a slight headache (which Excedrin cured nicely) but I was somewhat baffled at why I had thrown up. And then I thought about it. I had started drinking at 11:30 am on Saturday morning, drank at the rate of one beer per hour until 6:00 pm, took an hour off for the car ride home, and then commenced my rate of alcohol consumption until about 2:30 am. Yeah. 14 hours or so of drinking will probably make just about anyone sick, I would imagine. =)

We all went to Big Boy for breakfast on Sunday, I ended up leading a crew of people over to visit Barb so that I could see her, as I've been promising to do for months, before I actually moved to Maryland and could no longer easily keep my promise. =) Then Nora, Michelle, & I said our goodbyes and headed back to WV.

My goodbyes with Shawn & Chris were quite difficult this time as I knew it could possibly be a long while before I see either of them again, given their hatred of sunlight, people, travel, & mainly their hatred of me and all that I stand for. =) Seriously, it was difficult. I got a little knot in my chest when I hugged Chris and I wanted to cry when I hugged Shawn that last time. Ken & Leslie snuck off on me...and I'm sort of glad. That would've been hard too even though I'm used to them being far away.

The whole weekend long I had a wonderful time enjoying the fantastic, quirky personalities of all of my much loved friends. Because I knew that I would not be seeing you for, perhaps, a long while, I was more aware than normally of how much I love and appreciate each of you. And I realized how keenly I was going to miss you!!! I grew a bit meloncholy at moments on Saturday & Sunday, thinking that perhaps I didn't want to move afterall. It made my heart ache a little with awareness of the blessings I have been given...the blessing that each friend is to me. I love you guys! Thank you.

A song Nora & I heard at the Pub Sing seemed to fit my thoughts and feelings and the purpose of the weekend for me. And so I quote it for you now, a dedication to my wonderful friend family! I love you!

Kind friends and companions, come join me in rhyme
Come lift up your voices in chorus with mine
Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain
For we may and might never all meet here again

Here's a health to the company and one to my lass
Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass
Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain
For we may and might never all meet here again

Our ship lies at harbor, she's ready to dock
I hope she's safe landed without any shock
If ever we should meet again by land or by sea
I will always remember your kindness to me

So here's a health to the company and one to my lass
Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass
Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain
For we may and might never all meet here again

I've just returned from the Renaissance Festival with Chris, Shawn, Ken, Leslie, Nora, Michelle, Crystal, Trish, Kevin, & Debbie. It was fucking awesome!!!!

And I'm WASTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to fuck Jesus!!!!!

Well...there was this guy there. His name is Roger. He was in the Minstrels of Mayhem. Nora & I sat and watched the musicians towards the end of the evening. It felt like we were in a real inn common room!!!! And Jesus, as I like to call him, was one of the musicians.

Anyway...he's 19...and he looks like Jesus...but he's fucking hot as hell...and I'd fuck his brains out if I could. But I'm just a washed up 26 year old cunt. =)

I learned a new song! Mary Mack's father's making Mary marry me! My father's making me marry Mary Mack! I gotta marry Mary if I want her to take care of me! We'll all be making merry when I marry Mary Mack!!!!! =)

I'm WASTED!!!!!! Hip, hip, HUZZAH!!!! Hip, hip, HUZZAH!!!!!!

Little Miss Meg: Director & Tissue Fiend

I'm so going to miss my Megan when I leave!!!!!!

I hung out with Wayne, Cheryl, & Meg last night. It was so very warm, fuzzy, & wonderful. I played Care Bears with Meg, which entailed me acting like all of the "mommy Care Bears" who were picking up their little baby Care Bears from daycare. =) The fun thing about playing with Meg is that she scripts the whole thing for you...you don't have to be creative at all! She tells you exactly what she wants the Care Bear you're "controlling" to say back to her or the toy she's manipulating. It goes something like this:

Meg in the voice of little Grumpy Bear: Where's my mommy? I don't have a mommy!!!! Waaaaa! Will you take me home with you Fwiend Bear?

Director Meg: Now, Ant Twiss, I want you to say, "Of tourse Dumpy Bear! You tan be part of our famiwy now! You're in the Fwiend Bear famiwy!"

She's terribly cute and very imaginative in her play. She's also been a bit disturbing lately as she's been preoccupied with the idea of death. All of her "horsies mommy's died and they got very sad" a few days ago. She's struggling to understand the concept of death and I think this is her way of exploring it & the proper emotive & social responses. It's quite fascinating, really, but hard to deal with as an aunt. I don't want to ruin her safe little world, but I don't want to lie to her about important concepts like death. I told her when people die they go to be with God. "Way up in the sky?", she asked. "Yup.", I said, "Way up in the sky way beyong the stars." She said, "Yup." =)

She asked me a week or so ago, "What is me going to be like when me's grows up?" I told her she was going to be a beautiful, sweet, intelligent woman. I told her that she could be anything she wanted to be if she worked hard enough and wanted it badly enough. I remember somebody telling me that a long, long time ago. =) It's a nice feeling to be able to pass that along. She then told me that she was going to be a doctor who takes care of old people so she could take care of daddy when he's sick.

Yesterday she said the Pledge of Allegiance for me again. She learned it last week in pre-school and I love to hear her say it:

I pwedge awegiance to the fag
of de United States of 'Merica
and to de wepubwic for which it stands
one nation, under Dod, indibisible
with wiberty and justic for awl. Amen.

During dinner yesterday she asked me if I was comfortable in my chair. I told her I was and asked her if she was comfortable in hers. She replied, "It's a stoowl, actuawy, Ant Twiss." What three year old uses "actually" in a complete sentence? =) Probably several but I'm just biased and inclined to think that my particular favorite three year old is the best and the smartest.

Another thing that cracked me up yesterday was her obsession with tissues. Some kids have security blankets. Meg has tissues. For whatever reason she is comforted by holding a tissue or having one rubbed against her face. When she's sick, when she's tired, when she's scared, and sometimes for no reason she holds a tissue. Yesterday she showed me her "brand new tissue boxes", of which she was terribly proud. She said that she would like tissues for Christmas. Wayne told her she had to "get off of the tissues" and she said, "But I'm not on the tissues, Daddy!", and sweetly pointed to the tissue box beside of her. =)

It's Saturday and now you've got the fever...

I've had a lovely weekend. My Nora, Crystal, & I went to the Sound Factory on Saturday night to see Guinness Clarke's Wine & Eight Days Gone and had a hell of a time. GCW played a hell of a show, as usual. Eight Days gave a great performance as well in spite of the short length of their set.

Before the show started, I coaxed the girls upstairs to sit, chat, and play a game of 1913. I knocked back two beers before Nora or Crystal could finish their first. I'm not certain whether to be proud or ashamed. =) At any rate, I was feeling quite warm when the music started. There was much bobbing of the head and tapping of the foot during GCW's set. When Eight Days played I made sure to clap and cheer after every song with energy so that they would feel appreciated, as the crowd had dwindled a bit. I was the only one cheering at moments. Steve commented that I was "that girl", meaning the girl who maybe gets a little overserved and becomes a little overzealous in applauding the bands. It was bound to happen eventually. =)

It was an early evening, as far as watching bands go, because Nora & I made it back to my apartment by 2:00AM. We chatted for about an hour and she said goodnight. I then popped in on my neighbors, Matt & Josh. They had a few friends over and were having a PS2 Madden competition. So I drank a few beers and joined in on the cheering for pixelated football players and general trashtalking and bullshitting. After politely declining to smoke up with them, I excused myself and retired to my wonderful bed at 5:00AM.

A Regular Day

I was awoken by the ringing of the telephone at noon this morning. It was Steve inviting me to brunch at Cracker Barrel. I accepted & rolled my lazy ass out of bed to clean up a bit. I drove over to his apartment on the West side, grooving to GCW and enjoying the very blue of the blue, blue sky.

I posted a picture of today's sky on my photo journal. I always loved September and October skies the best. November has much beauty to offer as well. I think it's just this time of year when the crisp is sneaking it's way back into the air. The blue seems more vibrant, especially against the contrast of the blazing orange, red, and yellow tress.

Anyway, we had a yummy brunch at the Crack Whore Barrel and then stopped in at the Patrick St. KMart on a whim because we passed a sign advertising a 50% off customer appreciation sale. Who could resist that? Especially when you don't have jack shit on the agenda and you're enjoying the company you're keeping.

We explored every corner of KMart today, ending up in hysterics in the Martha Stewart pillow aisle due to random observations gone absurd. Steve picked up some dry cat food for his kitty, Tweak, and I started wondering out loud when it was that we decided that cats had to eat only these bits of hard, pressed together stuff or cans of foul smelling meat. I went on to ponder why we can't just feed cats what they eat in the wild? Steve giggled at the notion of wild cats and I argued that wild cats do indeed exist. I was trying to express the idea that although cats are domesticated animals, many people just leave unwanted kittens in the woods and they learn to fend for themselves and become wild cats. Instead of articulating my argument as well as this I said something along the lines of, "Yes, cats are domesticated animals, however people just drop unwanted kittens off out in the woods and they...you know...go crazy."

As soon as I finished speaking, we looked at each other and just started dying laughing. Steve said, "I just have this mental image of a cat just freaking out all alone in the woods, attacking everything." I tried to say that my thought didn't come out right, but I was laughing so hard I couldn't even get that out, and the effort just made me laugh harder. I couldn't breath, Steve was crying, I was drooling, and neither one of us could do anything other than laugh and make squeaking noises. This went on for about three or four minutes and we scared a few people away from the pillow aisle. Good times.

After KMart we returned to Steve's to watch Super Size Me, an awesome documentary about a guy from Beckley, WV who went on a McDonald's diet for 30 days to see what would happen. It's a great film, very educational and entertaining and I suggest that everyone check it out...and stop eating fast food! The dude gained 30 lbs. in one month from three square meals of McDonald's food a day and his liver nearly gave out on him. It's very scary what the majority of Americans are doing to our bodies on a daily basis with fast food! All those jokes that I made about Wendy's, Pizza Hut, & Taco Bell clinging to my hips...and to think it's really true! =)

After the movie we had a nice talk about life, love, what we've learned from each other, etc. Steve told me that I was beautiful in every way ( which was a very nice thing to say) and that he regretted getting ambivalent with me and screwing things up. He talked about giving us another chance and I declined, stating that I'm not where I need to be for a relationship just yet. But we had a good talk. It's nice to know that I'm so appreciated and loved and that I will be so missed. I'll miss him too. I'm very proud of the positive changes he's made in his life in this past year. He credits me with a lot of it, but he's the one who took the initiative. I simply broke up with him and told him to stop being a dumbass and get his shit together! =) He's a good boy. I hope that he finally finds that happiness he's been long searching for & finds a good girl with who he can share it.

On my drive home I was reviewing the day. It was a really nice day. When Steve and I were in KMart it sort of felt like we were a couple again. I thought about that and about all that he had said and the question "should we try again?" ran through my head for a second. It was quickly followed by my thought, "No. If we were meant to be, it would've worked out. It wouldn't have been so hard." And then Crystal's voice rang through my head, "Christina, did you ever think that love isn't supposed to be as hard as it has been for you? That when you're in love, everything will just sort of fall into place? Everything will just fit?" It's kind of funny. You know, I guess it's been so long since I've thought of it that way. It's not what I'm used to. I'm used to the struggle...forcing my puzzle piece. But she's right. It shouldn't be that hard. And so I'll wait until I find someone whose edges slide right into place and fit with mine.

cool breeze under compromise
dreams of the western skies
through dark blue eyes
the consolation prize when I'm dead

dance me tonight
we'll call it love
If I could call you beautiful, I would

~ Dance Me by Eight Days Gone

Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition

On last Thursday, I accepted a position as a residential counselor at Good Shepherd Center, a residential treatment facility for emotionally disturbed adolescent females, in Baltimore, Maryland. They offered me about $10,000 more per year than I’m making now, so simply put, it was an offer I couldn’t refuse. =) So it’s final and for real…I’m moving to Baltimore!

I think I should be excited right now, but the reality of it all hasn’t hit me yet. I’ve been sick this past week & I’ve been working insane days at Prestera, so I haven’t been able to really do anything to prepare for the move. Perhaps when I start packing it’ll become real for me. Perhaps after I’ve lived in Maryland for three months it’ll become real. Perhaps nothing will ever seem real again. Mmmmmwwwwhahahahaha! (This is why you shouldn’t write under the influence of illness & medication.)

I had to go to fill out some paperwork & get a drug test & physical this past Monday, so Mom, Dad, & I drove up on last Saturday morning. We had a lovely time just hanging out & being a family. On Monday I went to Good Shepherd to complete paperwork & then got my physical & drug screen done (poor Rosie waited in the car for several hours that day). During our excursion that morning, Rose & I spotted a camouflage Ford Truck with the following message scrawled on the tailgate in white paint: “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition”. Well yippee ki yay & Halle-fucking-lujah! I guess there are rednecks in Maryland too.

Slaphappy hormones & the Fruit Peddler

Anyway, after I had been poked, prodded, & pissed by the doctor & other medical staff, I grabbed Mom & Dad, & headed back to West Virginia. I was so terribly tired on the way home, so the folks were challenged with the task of keeping me awake. They did quite nicely, making me laugh at their antics a good portion of the way home & causing me to reminisce about my childhood. Dad kept asking Mom how her hormones & membranes were doing & absurd conversation abounded. Mom reported that her hormones had only flared up thrice in her life and that they were doing very well now, one working as a computer analyst, one as a counselor, and one in insurance claims. =) Mom offered Dad some Funyuns at one point and he asked her, “Some whats? How do you spell that?” Which is funny due to the fact that Dad can’t read or spell. Mom then proceeded to attempt to spell it, “F-U-I-O-N-S”, which struck me as particularly funny & I started laughing hysterically and saying “Fuions” over and over again. Yeah…so we were a little slaphappy. You try riding in a car for 6 ½ hours with nothing to look at and see what happens to you!

We also talked about my old church and some of the people with whom we used to go to church & how they were doing now. I remembered how warm, loving, and open everyone seemed in that church when I was a child. It was like one big extended family and I always felt safe there. There were so many good people. So much kindness. It was so full of love and life then, nothing like the cold, judgmental place it became.

One person in particular stuck out in my mind and I asked after him. His name is Lawrence Stoots. Lawrence Stoots is an elderly gentleman who used to run a little country produce store about five miles away from my former home in Eccles. Every week, I think it was on Fridays, Lawrence would load up his big blue van full of fresh fruits and vegetables, some of which he grew himself, and would drive the van around showing and selling his wares. From the time I was about five years old until I was ten, every week I looked forward to his visit. He’d pull up and park next to my grandmother's gate and I’d run down to give the friendly, smiling, gray-haired 60 something gentleman a hug, and then hop up into the van to look around. Granny would come out on her porch and Mom would come up from the trailer. The adults would chat a bit about kids, the weather, the church, and life while I ogled the fruits & veggies. During this time, Lawrence would give me a banana or a plum or something for free. Sometimes he had candy for me and would tell me to be careful eating it. When Mom & Gran had decided what they wanted, they would shout out their order, “a bunch of bananas, about five Washington apples, a bag of oranges, a couple of green peppers, a couple onions, about five plums, some grapes, etc.” and I would scurry around in the van, putting things in the little paper bags Lawrence would provide. Once everything was bagged, he’d let me weigh each bag and tell him the weight. He’d then figure out how much they owed him. I so enjoyed being his little helper. I so enjoyed scurrying around in the back of that wonderfully fragrant van. I appreciate Lawrence Stoots for being so kind to me and being a good memory from my childhood. He is a good man. I wonder if he knows that I loved the way he always smelled like chewing gum, aftershave, and fruit? He's in his late 80's now & not in good health. I haven't seen him for at least seven years. Maybe I should tell the Fruit Peddler what a lovely memory he is for me, before he is only that.