My new life

It's all winding down. The whole shock of the move. I'm physically settled and that feeling that everything is temporary is fading. For a bit, it all just felt like an extended visit, but now it feels more real. And now I just have to work on becoming mentally settled here. But isn't that always the case for all of us? Always busily working, are we, to settle our minds and attain some level of peace.

What I need now is to explore my new environment and its people. To touch, to taste, and to be. To breathe in the night air in the city. To admire the glow of the lights, the sparkling presence of those imposing steel and concrete constructions downtown. To admire the glow or pallor of the faces that walk through and by their walls every day. And to learn from it all what I can. In the end, I need to define my new life here and find where my puzzle piece fits.

It's exciting, but also lonely. And everything that I've always dreamed of. Although I hoped to be in a better state physically and emotionally while doing it...but you take what life gives you, ne c'est pas?

So far I've had a good time. Craig has been very kind to keep me company and show me around Ellicot City & DC. With Jim I've played poker, gone guitar shopping in Catonsville, and stepped out onto the local club/music scene at Federal Hill. And Rose has been there every step of the way to support, encourage, and to remind me that home is family...and family is there long after everything else fades away. So far I've had a good time.

But I need more people. More laughter. I find myself hungry for friends of my own. And I miss my own quirky little circle of friends, scattered as it's members are, but beloved beyond all reason. Shawn, Chris, Ken, Sean...my boys. I miss you. And I love you. The love that I bear for you is truer than anything I have called "love" in the past...because it's the love one feels for brothers. More steady than any quick and heated passion.

But I can't be with you because you're there and there and there. And I am here. And I am faced with carving out my new life here. Creating for myself a world with my deeds and words. So I make a promise to myself now at the dawning of my newness. I have been living to please others for a long time and I can't do it anymore. I began refusing other's claims on me over two years ago, trying to regain control of my life, but now I lay it all down. All of it.

I find that I try to be perfect, clever, beautiful. So, so smart & so, so funny. Sweetness, light, and everything linen-fresh clean. For all of them and for all of you. “A fine accessory for the discerning gentleman”. I try to smile even when no one is looking.

But all I am is this skin, this sinew, and this bone. A woman, tired and imperfect, but alive with red, red, red blood coursing through her veins. And a fierce passionate heart. I don't want to try to be perfect anymore. Because I'll never be able to do it.

I don’t want to be smooth; I’d rather be jagged and sharp. I don’t want to be timid and pause before every move. I will follow my instincts and I will not apologize. I will do things simply for pleasure and I will not regret. I will laugh, I will cry, I will scream, I will be angry, and I will love. And I will not apologize for the state of my heart.

I won’t pretend that I know when I don’t. I won’t smile when I don’t feel it. I will not stay where I am not wanted. I will not hide behind my eyes. I will be impatient and I will push. I will ask when I have questions. I will not compromise what I want.

And so it goes.

Take it as it comes and take me as I am
I never was a good imposter
But I know how to dream
And don’t know where I stand
I’m willing to admit I try too hard

Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
And every time it rains
I know I'm tyring to survive

Charlotte Martin from Every Time It Rains

I've discovered that I do a lot of thinking on my 40 to 45 minute drive to and from work every day. And when I have time just to think, I'm often inspired to record my thoughts. So I've started taking a little mini recorder with me in the car, so that I can capture anything thought that feels like it needs capturing.

So far I haven't come up with any earth-shattering epiphanies. Just random stream of consciousness thoughts and muddled song lyrics. But what the hell, right?

November 15, 2004 - 6:45 AM

Morning, frost covered and chill. Tiny balls of light glow from the apartments and houses as I drive by. The trees stand naked and shivering. And I see the hint of dawn coloring the sky a light orange-pink. My eyes are sleepy and my head is a little clouded from the weekend. My chest feels leaden and I wonder if I will be happy here in this city. In my city.

I’m a little nauseous. I’m supposed to be at work in 10 minutes. But my tire was low and I almost ran out of gas, so I had to stop. Now it’s a right toward Baltimore onto I 95, southward bound. I slide down the road and into the sea of cars. I have to be at work in 10 minutes. There is no possible way in this traffic.

I slide into the heavy morning. Part of me cares. Part of me doesn’t. This job is not quite what I was looking for. But I wonder will any of it be? It’s not what I’m hungry after, but we've got to pay the bills.

I feel so...stagnant. I want to learn, do research, grow...to do something more than this. God, I feel like I’m floating, disconnected from everything. So uninteresting and so boring. And I hate the way I feel. I’m like a sponge, absorbing the interesting in everyone else around me just so that I can have some sort of glimmer of life. Sort of vampiric, isn’t it? And I suck, suck, suck, suck suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.

Love always,

Your Soul Vampire

I do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world

I do it because it's the least I can do
I do it because I learned it from you
I do it just because I want to
because I want to

everything I do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong, but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell

the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then don't cry

~ Ani Difranco from Joyful Girl

In our town of Halloween...

I decided not to go to the Halloween Hootenanny at the Empty Glass this year due to how unappealing 14 hours of driving in a 48-hour period seemed. Instead, I accepted Craig’s invitation to attend a little Halloween gathering at a friend’s house in DC. It was so much fun! We drove to a station and took the metro into Union Station. We began walking toward his coworker's house and I was excited to see the Capitol brightly glowing in the distance. It sort of blew my mind that I live so close to the nation's capitol! =)

We made quite a crew, walking down the sidewalks of DC toward the party in our Halloween getups, and people stopped to stare at us along the way. Craig was dressed as the Minister of Death or Darkness…or something evil, complete with flowing black robe and latex horns on his head. After seeing Craig, one fellow that we passed made the comment, “Hallelujah!!! Praise Jesus!!!” as if to ward off his evil. =)

Crescent, Craig’s roommate, was dressed as a sexy little Goth girl with fishnet stockings and pale cleavage gleaming in the moonlight. I was, of course, a wench in my little tavern wench costume that I wore for the part of Madame Mama during the Murder Mystery Party. I added a long wine-colored velvet cloak, tall black boots, and a long, brunette ponytail hairpiece to complete my ensemble. I was going to be a vampire tavern wench, however the teeth looked absurd and made it impossible to talk, so I left them in my purse all evening. I dubbed my costume “Generic Wench” and went on my merry way. =)

We met up with Craig’s friends Caleb, Ada, Steve, Corey, & Ali, and also Steve’s wife, Allison at Ali’s very tastefully decorated, very expensive, and high-ceilinged home, which was very near Capitol Hill. Caleb was dressed as a roman soldier and all through the night we addressed him as “Trojan Man”. Not only did we call him Trojan Man, but also sung it the way they do in the commercials. =) Ada was dressed as a cancan dancer with breasts pressed up to the sky, Ali was a naughty Catholic schoolgirl who reminded us all very much of Brittany Spears, Allison was a groovy witch with green hair and a neon green ringed witches hat, and Corey was a guy in a grass skirt wearing a coconut bra and a large straw hat. Steve was the only one who didn’t really have a costume, but he did have a very brightly colored feathered cap. I named him “Flamboyant Beer Drinking Man” much to the amusement and general pleasure of all.

After a bit of drinking beer, liquor, and wine and eating cheese and crackers, we set out walking to hit the bars. A short walk and a taxi ride later, we found ourselves as a three level bar called The Reef. The Reef, according to Craig, is famous for it’s plethora of aquariums. And indeed there were many on the second floor. Our crew, however, wound up on the third floor, which was the roof. We all gathered ‘round a table, talking and drinking by moon and flickering candlelight. The most interesting event that occurred during our stint at The Reef was Crescent being approached by a guy wearing a Scream costume that kept saying, “Don’t be skurred!!!” Of course, the drunkards kept making fun of him, repeatedly saying, “Don’t be skurred!!!” the remainder of the evening. Hmmm…yeah…it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The evening gets a little blurry for me here. At this point I had had three shots of something Craig mixed that we named “Demon Semen” in his honor, three beers, two glasses of wine, and all on an empty stomach. (Yay, Christina!!! Way to go!!!) I think maybe I should’ve renamed my costume “Drunken Wench” by the evenings end. At any rate, I know we left The Reef and walked and walked and walked forever until we got some pizza and then went to a really huge sports bar. At that point, I was “asleep on my feet” according to Craig and very drunk.

After a while, we finally walked back to catch the metro and then Craig drove a passed-out Crescent and me back to their townhouse where we were able to indulge in sweet oblivious drunken sleep. I treated them to breakfast the next morning and spent the better part of the day lounging around with Craig, Crescent’s dog, Cooper, and Craig’s cat, Cougar.

All in all, it was a lovely Halloween experience…in spite of the cloudy brain from the alcohol. Craig’s friends were fun people and were very welcoming. And I had a wonderful time just being with Craig.

I went down to the ocean today…

I was off this past Wednesday and on Tuesday evening I decided that I would take a spontaneous trip to the beach, just for the day, on my day off. I’ve always wanted to go to the ocean at this time of year, with the sky such a crisp, startling blue, the wind tinged with a chilling bite, and the sun still warm, but fading. So I invited Craig to come along and he accepted. The next morning he came over and we deliberated a bit on where to go, finally settling on Atlantic City.

After three hours and a wrong turn (courtesy of me), we made it to the Vegas of the East coast. Wow, were we ever disappointed!!! It wasn’t nearly as large as I anticipated and aside from the 10 to 15 Casinos, there were sad looking strip clubs, skin shops, run down or deserted restaurants, run down hotels, and beach shops full of useless shit. On the boardwalk we encountered maybe one or two people our age. The rest were old people shuffling up and down, squandering their life savings before it’s too late. =)

We made our way down to the beach, parts of which were being restored due to erosion, and spread a big orange beach blanket out on the sand. I, of course, had to go down and put my feet in the freezing water and managed to get the bottoms of my pants wet. (Yay!) A few moments of icy water was enough and I retreated to the dry sand, joining Craig on the blanket.

We sat there for about an hour, talking about the whole Long Beach situation and what transpired afterwards. He informed me that he had to spend the night on the beach that night long ago while waiting for his parents to arrive, and upon hearing this I felt horrible all over again. I thought of how many were hurt that night by our thoughtless actions, mainly Ben, Craig, & me. I talked about the course of my relationship with Ben over the years and he shared the rise and fall of his past romantic involvements as well. And we enjoyed the ocean, the sun, the wind, the sand, the company…and the sound of the bulldozer steadily working to rebuild the beach. =) In spite of the bulldozer, it was nice. Very relaxed. Very non-stress. Very much just being. And being together.

After a bit, we decided to find food, so we gathered out things and started back toward the car. On the way, I got ripped off, I mean, I got my palm read for five dollars. The “psychic” kept pushing me to get a tarot reading for $20 or more, but I politely declined…about five times! We got in the car and drove around a bit in search of a nice looking restaurant, but found nothing appealing. As I mentioned before, everything but the casinos were sort of run down and as neither one of us had the desire to gamble, we drove on out of town. Along the way home we stopped for dinner at a restaurant that had piqued our collective interest earlier, and after the meal we resumed our travels.

The ride home was long, due to my constant wrong turns and missed roads, but nice due to the pleasing company. I got a bit frustrated toward the end because I kept getting lost. Craig, however, was able to sooth my rattled nerves by joking that at least now we had seen a large part of southern New Jersey that neither of us had seen before! Finally, we made it back to my apartment and hung out and cuddled a bit. It was nothing short of a wonderful day. =)

I went back to the ocean today
With my books and my papers I went to the rocks by the ocean
But the weather changed quickly
The ocean said, "What are you trying to find?"
"I don't care, I'm not kind"
"I've bludgeoned your sailors and I've spat out their keepsakes"
"It's ashes to ashes, but always the ocean"
But the ocean can't come to this town
this town is a song about you.

You don't know how lucky you are
You don't know how much I adore you
You are the welcoming back from the ocean.

~ Dar Williams from The Ocean

The Incredibles and All I Know…

Tonight I went with Craig, Crescent, and their friend Monica to see The Incredibles in Columbia. It was a very cute, enjoyable film. Although it was very predictable, it was still entertaining.

And now here I am writing this and dreading working my weekend away. Let’s just hope that it’s a quiet weekend with no codes or restraints. =) I’m also processing the events of the last few weeks. Particularly the events of the last week. And particularly the events involving Craig.

So what’s the story morning glory? I’m not sure. I know that we’re both very much attracted to each other and that he can curl my toes with a kiss. I know that I like and respect the person that he seems to be and he appears to return those sentiments. I know that he stimulates me on an intellectual level in a way that I find quite pleasing. I know that the whole situation scares me a little. But I know that I want to continue spending time with him and exploring the person that he is. And that’s about all I know, but it’s enough.

Wow. It's been just over two weeks since I moved to Baltimore...and this is the first time I've really had a chance to sit down and process via my journal. Hmmm...well, let's see. I suppose we'll start with the packing, the goodbyes, and the move. And we'll call it...

And tomorrow say goodbye...

On October 15th, 2004, Wayne, Dad, Crystal, Tricia, & I loaded up all of my worldly possessions on a Budget rental truck bound for Baltimore, MD. Crystal & Tricia then helped me & the male members of the Garris household to clean up my little apartment at 2432 Shadyside Rd., for which I will be forever grateful. (Thank you absolutely fabulous ladies!!!) Steve stopped by that evening to bring me a photo collage, a card, & to get one long, last goodbye hug. Crystal & Tricia also brought me a card & some gifts which made me teary eyed. I was surprisingly able to choke back my impulse to boo hoo at that moment, but I assure you, it came out in a torrent the next day when I read the cards. But we'll get to that.

The week prior to October 15th I spent sorting and packing my things & saying goodbyes to all of my friends & acquaintances. There was the weekend of the Renaissance Festival, a dinner at Olive Garden with Dana & Monica (my former Prestera co-workers), & a dinner at Rio Grande with Sally, Nora, Jeane, & Cindy (my former Charleston Tx Center co-workers). There was a lunch at Charleston Tx Center so that I could say goodbye to the remaining staff from the "golden year at the methadone clinic" who were unable to attend the dinner at Rio. I spent an afternoon with Michelle driving around and taking pictures of the lovely WV autumn foilage. Crystal came over & helped me pack a couple of days. I managed to spend a little time with Wayne, Cheryl, & my Megan. And I managed to squeeze in one last Split Nixon show in the company of my Nora & Crystal.

I received Mr. Henderson's last attempt at a booty call at 4:00 am the night of the Split Nixon show. He had knocked over his microphone early in the show while voraciously playing a guitar solo. I told him I couldn't be with someone so uncoordinated, and besides, I had a hot chick (Nora) sleeping next to me and had no room for him in my bed. =) I also told him that I found his middle of the night booty calls quite endearing. *insert sarcasm here* The following morning, Nora & I took a trip to Goodwill to donate some of my useless shit. Then we traversed to the Court house to cast an early vote for John Kerry in an attempt to clean out some of the useless shit in the White House. Namely, George W. Bush. =) All in all, it was a fucking busy week.

Moving on up...North

And so began my journey to the "big city" where I, like the Jeffersons, would claim the sliver of pie that Fate had decided to doll out to me. With all of my goodbyes to my friends behind me (with the exception of my goodbye to Nikki...who failed to show up on Friday because she's horrible at goodbyes), my family & I departed Saint Albans, WV on October 16, 2004 in the wee hours of the morning, our course set for Baltimore, MD. We were a three vehicle caravan on I 79, all with walkie talkie's in hand. Cheryl, Mom, & Megan took the lead position in Mom's grey Corsica, Wayne & Dad drove the Budget truck, & I pulled up the rear in my rusty and mottled beauty of an automobile. As the sun rose and light flooded through the windows of my tightly packed car, I fished around in my bag for the cards Crystal & Tricia and Steve had given me. I read Crystal & Tricia's first (while also driving), tears dropping down my cheeks at their sweet words and wishes for happiness. I appreciated them very much in that moment and felt blessed to have such sweet friends in my life. =) And then I read Steve's card. Per his request I won't go into detail here concerning what he wrote, however, I must say that it was the most eloquently written, honest, and moving things anyone has ever written me and it touched me to the core. I cried so hard and felt so lucky, appreciated, and loved in that moment. Thank you, Steve. Your words meant the world to me. They also made it very hard for me to see to drive. =)

And so the Garris caravan flowed up I 79 to Aurora, WV, the beautiful farm where my sister-in-law grew up. We stopped there to pick up a lovely china cabinet that her father had made for her brother, Raymond. We picked it up and, to my surprise, added another car to the caravan. We followed Cheryl's father down some country roads and wound up on I 68 just past Cumberland, MD. We then followed I 68 to I 70 and made our way to Columbia, MD, to Raymond's apartment. We dropped off the cabinet and, again to my surprise, Raymond & his parents decided to follow us over to my new apartment to help us unload the truck. It was very sweet of them and I'm very appreciative of their help. I still owe Raymond like a weeks worth of dinner for his hard work. =)

We got to I 70 and ran into what threatened to be a torrential rain storm just as we hit 695, the infamous Beltway. Through traffic and weather, the Garris-Cummings caravan made it to my new apartment complex in Nottingham, MD. After chowing down on pizza and indulging in some chit-chat, all of us except for the grandmas and little Meg began unloading my possessions into my new apartment. We started at about 6:30 or 7:00 pm and finished at about 9:30. All sweaty and tired, we then took a break to catch our breath, swill Coke or Diet Sprite, or do damage to our lungs via cigarette smoke inhalation. Rose had not had the opportunity to pack so at about 10:00 pm we began loading the large items from Rose's home & packing up some of the small things. I was so exhausted from my week of packing, rushing around to say goodbye to everyone, the drive, and all of my physical exertions that evening, that I simply collapsed around midnight. I knew I needed to go to bed when Wayne was asking me what I wanted to do with my entertainment center and I told him dryly to "Burn it, for all I care." He responded with a perfectly timed, "Set it on fire, mama!" which lightened my grouchy mood and made me a little hysterical. Shortly after that I crawled up on the floor with a blanket and a pillow. Meg was still playing loudly in the living room and walking on me a bit and everyone else was rearranging boxes and furniture, but it didn't matter. Nothing could've kept me awake.

The next morning we finished moving Rosie's possessions to our new place, dropped off Granny's old couch at the Salvation Army, dropped off the Budget truck, & then came back to gape at the mountain of randomly placed furniture, boxes, bags, & plastic containers. Rose & I made sandwiches for everyone and spent a little bit of time visiting with the family. Megan told me, "I'm donna miss you, Ant Twiss" with her little blonde head tilted down, blue eyes looking up at me sadly, fingers twisted together in front of her, and her little Care Bear sneakered left foot making little circles on the carpet. I said, "I'm gonna miss you too, baby" as my eyes got wet and my face felt suddenly warm. Shortly after that it came time for them to leave and I hugged and kissed my Mom & Dad goodbye, hugged & kissed my little munchkin goodbye, hugged Cheryl, felt my chest tighten and the lump rise in my throat, and then hugged my brother. With that the tears streaked down my cheeks and I had to whisper my goodbye to him in order to keep my voice from breaking with sobs.

Rose & I lead the family out to the closest gas station, let them gas up, and then bid them farewell through the car windows. I indulged in a few tears as Rose and I drove to rent a carpet cleaner. I'm indulging in a few tears now as I type this. God, I love them so much! I'm so lucky! And I'm so thankful for them! Okay. Well that's the first time I've "leaked", as Eric used to say, since I've been here. Probably because I've been too busy to really think about it.

Rose and I cleaned up her apartment that night and then met Craig out for dinner at Bertucci's, a local italian chain. We were so exhausted! If he hadn't come along, I'm sure we would've fallen asleep in our pasta. =) That was Sunday night, I think. I started my new job at Good Shepherd Center the next day, spent a week training in a classroom and spent last week training / shadowing on the residential unit, while also coming home every evening and attempting to put order to the chaos that has been mine & Rosie's apartment. Today marks the start of my second week and the apartment is mostly organized. Mostly. So yeah, I've been so friggin' busy trying to get settled in. I'm so tired! But it'll get better once everything is in it's place.

Bo Peep & her sheep

So let me tell you about my job. I now am employeed as a residential leader / counselor at GSC here in Baltimore. GSC is a residential or inpatient treatment facility for emotionally disturbed and behavior disordered teenage girls, between the ages of 12 & 18. The first Center in Maryland was founded by the Sister's of the Good Shepherd in 1864. The location I currently work at was founded in 1970.

And in case you missed it...yup...that's right! I work for nuns! Catholic ones! =) However, even though the Sisters still have much say over how the center is run, the Center is not a religious organization. Catholicism is not spoon-fed to the girls and there is no ruler whacking. =) The Sisters are very tolerant and very well educated and cultured.

Anyway, the Sisters of the Good Shepherd were founded by St. Mary Euphrasia Pelletier (1796-1868) who founded 110 houses for girls & women. Today, there are aout 450 centers total spread throughout the world. So if I want to put in for a transfer to another center I have 35 US cities and 72 locations in other countries from which to choose. Not too shabby. =)

The Center has a chapel, two convents, and a nursing home on-site in addition to the high school the girls attend, eight residential units, and tons of administrative, maintenance, and housekeeping offices. One convent houses a group of Contemplative Sisters whose main purpose is to pray for all of the Centers and their employees throughout the world. I learned on my third day in training that each employee is assigned to a Contemplative Sister for prayer. So I have a nun who prays for me every day. Pretty neat, eh?

As I just stated, there are eight residential units. I'm assigned to one which is a "secure" or "lock down" unit for girls with a Dx of ODD / Conduct Disorder. As a residential leader / counselor it's my job to supervise the girls in their daily routines of waking, breakfast, lunch, dinner, homework, chores, & activities. I supervise them, keep them on task, and correct any negative behaviors. I am one of the "care givers" in their home environment while they're at the Center. I think maybe "task master" is more appropriate than "care giver". =) I'm also assigned three girls with who I will do individual counseling at least once per week. Of course, I'm also available to the other girls on the unit for counseling as needed.

It certainly an interesting environment. All of the staff are very friendly, helpful, and most importantly, are very professional. The residents are of a higher accuity than the ones I've worked with in the past, with verbal altercations escalating into physical on a daily basis. Today at work I witnessed about five teenage girls cursing out staff and screaming at the top of their lungs in rage. Friday was lovely though as I had the priviledge of witnessing first hand as a girl smashing two chairs and a bookcase in a fit of anger. =) Excitement!!!

One thing I found very interesting is that the majority of the residents seem to be bisexual and are "dating" other residents. Well...as much as they can in a locked facility where the staff monitors them very vigilantly. It's so odd for me to see 14, 15, 16 year old girls with crushes on each other. But it makes sense. They're all at that age when they're craving intimacy and their hormones are raging. If no boys are around, well they simply find a substitute. =)

So far I like the job, although it has been somewhat intimidating at moments. I like the girls, I like the staff, and I like the goal of the organization as a whole. The mission statement is simply this: "Love In Action". Love in Action means that you show love, caring, and compassion through teaching the girls positive behaviors and correcting the negative behaviors in positive ways. It means being the disciplinarian, as well as being supportive. It's finally nice to work at a facility that has the girl's best interests at heart. It's nice to be somewhere where money and billing isn't the only concern. =) Yeah...I think I'm going to like it here.

Killing off my Demons

Thus far Baltimore has offered me many things: a new job, a more exciting, culturally diverse environment, a new home, new friends, reconciliation with an old one, and a chance to kill off an old demon.

As my loved ones know, I've been carrying around a lot of guilt and regret for a very long time due to past infidelities. My guilt and regret was linked to two "demons" in particular. One of these was named Chris. He was the blue-eyed demon with the creepy grin that would hide in the back closets of my mind. Although I didn't always see him, he was always whispering that I should be so ashamed. And I was. I got tired of his constant gnawing at my self-esteem, so I opened up the closets and shooed him out into the sunlight. After time, apologies, reestablished communication, and the renewal of friendships, his demon status was revoked. And such a weight lifted from me then. I didn't feel quite so guilty anymore. I was able to forgive myself a bit because I had been able to facilitate the mending of what was broken.

I had another demon named Craig. He was a tricksy little towheaded creature with a playful grin who would come knocking at my windows from time to time. My house would be relatively peaceful, (except of course for the whispering of the blue-eyed devil in the closet) and he'd come clattering at the windows, causing me to throw open the shutters and peer outside. He would then jump out, scream in my face, and then vanish for a few months.

And so it was still in October of last year when Crystal told me that she had invited him to her Halloween party. It was a scream in the face. It was regret, guilt, and fear churning my insides. And so I left the her 2003 Halloween bash early so that I could 1) meet Steve for the Halloween Hootenanny & 2) could avoid running into Craig.

Crystal & I started hanging out more in June of this year. The more I was with her, the more we shared of our lives and friendships, and I was more often confronted with my flaxen-haired demon. Again, I grew tired of feeling guilty and shamed every time his name was mentioned and I decided to seek some sort of reconciliation so that I could lay my negative feelings to rest.

I obtained his email address from Crystal in September and wrote a very honest, direct, and sincere apology. I didn't really expect more than a brief "thanks, take care" in response, but what I received was a very kind and gracious acceptance and counter-apology. And so we began an email dialogue. I learned that he was working as an oceanographer in the Baltimore/DC area. We discussed his regret over the loss of friendships and contact with Ken, Ben, Chris & others. He discussed his anger over being left in North Carolina and how his father and brother had to drive down to get him. He inquired after the well-being of everyone and reminisced a bit. He expressed concern over the possible backlash I might experience from my friends resulting from my renewed communication with him. I assured him that I believed my friends to be some of the most open, intelligent, and forgiving people that I know based on my past experience with them, and that I didn't expect any negativity from that corner. We discussed many things: shoes, ceiling wax, carpenters, & kings. =) And this is how it came to pass that Craig Martin and I renewed our friendship and how I slayed my last demon.

Epilogue

An so I said goodbye, closing a chapter in the book of my life, and opening a new one. I'm in a new and exciting place bursting with opportunity and possibility. I have new sheep to tend. I've relieved myself of my last very icky gremlin. And I'm thinking that moving here is probably the best choice I've made in a long time. It feels right. And I am content.