A good cry...
I finished an hour crying session just now. And it felt really, really good.
I've cried about four times since I've lived in Baltimore. Once because I missed my family & friends. Once because of a conversation with Ben. Once because of a conversation with Craig. And tonight.
Tonight Rose & I watched Garden State. The main character is a very numb twenty something male whose mother has just died. He returns to his New Jersey for the funeral. While there he stops taking the antidepressants his psychiatrist father has been prescribing him since he was 10 years old. He realizes that his life has been fucked up, however he’s tired of being medicated and he wants to work things out. He meets a quirky semi-fucked up chica who inspires him and whom he falls in love with and so forth and so on. It’s a really cute film.
In my current blah mood I of course shed a few tears at the end of the movie. And then I took myself into my room, sat in the floor in front of my wonderful little heater, and cried and cried and cried. And I thought, “Why am I crying?” And I answered, “Because I’m lonely. Because I want mine. Because I want my, quirky, fantastic, imperfect, and possibly fucked up person to love who will love me back.” And I’ve been looking so hard for so long. For too long. And in the meanwhile I’ve lost focus of things that used to be very important to me. And I’ve become this unthinking, reacting, tortured creature.
I came to Baltimore to change. All I’ve changed thus far is my geographic location. I’m still caught in the same negative thinking, the same negative behaviors. It can’t continue. The creature in me must die.
I gave up hope on the whole dating thing a few weeks ago after a really horrid dating experience with a guy in DC. I said to myself, “That’s it! No more! I’m not gonna keep putting myself through this shit! If I find someone, I’ll find them by luck!” And that’s when I realized that I had been looking awful hard for an awful long time. And I realized that the reason I was looking so hard was because I really wasn’t comfortable with the idea of being alone. (I hate to say you were right Chris & Steve…but when you’re right, you’re right.)
Okay. So I don’t want to face the burden of buying a house alone. I don’t want to think that I may have to get knocked up by some random guy or get artificially inseminated to have children. I don’t like the idea of raising a child by myself. I don’t like the idea of living through my 40s, 50s, 60s, alone. I want someone to love passionately, purely, honestly. I want someone to grow old with. To build a home and family with.
So no. I don’t like being alone. I don’t want to be alone forever. But right now…right now I need to be alone so I can get myself together again. Right now I want to be alone. So I can rearrange this mess in my head.
It’s a start, I think. A step forward. From here I guess I just keep working to untangle everything. Do positive activities, like exercise or dance or mess with my guitar when I'm feeling down. And just be okay with being me all by myself.
I think I’m gonna be okay. For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful. And where there's hope anything is possible.
I want somebody who sees the pointlessness and still keeps their purpose in mind;
I want somebody who has a tortured soul...some of the time;
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery;
Or maybe just put it all to words and make me say, "You know, I never heard it put that way".
Make me say, "What did you just say?"
~Ani Difranco "Asking Too Much"
Monday, January 24, 2005
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
New Year's Eve in Baltimore
New Year's Eve in Charm City was...well...charming. Rose & I went down to Fell's Point to watch the fireworks display and to meet up with Colin. Colin is a new friend I've made here, with the help of Scott Brooks. He's also from WV and a chef at a landmark restaurant called The Owl Bar. And he sucks at Soul Calibur II.
Anyway, there were SO many fucking people out! Twenty-something parents with their wee children. Entire family groups with moms, dads, kids, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents all drinking together. Groups of twenty or thirty-something men eyeing the gaggles of scantily clad (and freezing) young females with their bodies on display. I saw people dressed in jeans, sweaters, coats, hats...and some in mini skirts, heels, fishnet stockings, and tops that were held on with bits of metallic string...and the rest were somewhere in between.
Midnight struck and the first fireworks exploded into the sky, brilliant red and gold! I hugged Rose and wished her a Happy New Year! I tried to call my parents and brother, but the line was busy. I then tried to call Chris' phone to wish all of my people in Columbus a Happy New Year, but the Cingular network was so overloaded with calls, I couldn't get through. So I put the phone back in my bag and turned my attention to the sparkles in the sky. It was a lovely display, but after about 30 minutes my attention began wandering and I was shivering from the cold. And it was half-past midnight on New Year's Eve and I wasn't drunk! Worse, I hadn't even had my first drop of alcohol!
So Rose and I walked back down the pier, wharf, whatever in search of a warm bar in which we could take shelter while waiting for Colin to arrive. We settled on a place called Max's and at that moment my phone rang and Colin emerged from the crowd. Max's was really too crowded so we decided to walk around to find a nice pub in which we could sit comfortably and talk. Most places were packed to the point that one would have to squeeze their way through the door and would be pressed up against people on all sides while in the establishment. Having a relatively normal sized personal space bubble, I didn't find that at all appealing. Finally we settled on a place called DuClaw Brewing Company.
I'd been to DuClaw before with Craig, but neither Rose nor Colin had been. They brew their own beer, (hence "Brewing Company") and let me tell ya, it kicks ass! And what makes it so sweet (and by "sweet" I mean "totally awesome") the beers have kick ass names too! Like Bare Ass Blonde Ale, Naked Fish, Misfit Red, Devil's Milk, Bad Moon Porter, Ravenwood, Mad Bishop, and Twisted Kilt. Cool, huh? I want to take Shawn, Chris, & Ken here when they come...among other places with good beer.
Anyway, I had two Misfit Red's, a Bare Ass Blonde, and a half of a Red-headed Slut. (God that's the worst shot in the universe! It tasted like Children's Tylenol cough syrup!) I called Chris' phone back and got through this time to wish everyone a Happy New Year. Chris reported that he was sitting on the curb outside of Claddagh's in Columbus trying to sober up so he could drive everyone home. He informed me that Ken had had a wee bit too much to drink as he was taking off his clothes in the pub and at one point was down to his boxers! I asked to talk to Shawn and he adamently refused, stating that Shawn was indisposed. I thought it was just Chris being difficult so I demanded to speak with Shawn. Chris asked Shawn if he wanted to talk and I heard Shawn say, "Yeah...I don't feel so good." And then I heard the sound of gagging and then something liquid & squishy hitting pavement. Promptly followed by the sound of Chris' amused, yet pitying laughter. Yeah. DAMN! I SO WISH I HAD BEEN THERE!!!! I missed you guys so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, while enjoying my beer I received a mysterious text message wishing me a Happy New Year. This same number had sent me a Merry Christmas wish and I'd never figured out who it was. So this time I decided to call it. It turned out to be some complete stranger named Ray. Ray had text messaged me by mistake. Anyway, he was very friendly and we wished each other a Happy New Year and that was that.
By the time we left DuClaw I was feeling very festive. It was 2AM and all the bars were closing, so Rose decided to go home. Colin told me of an after hours party at another bar...it would be open until 4AM! Wooo hooo! You know me! So we went to the Ottobar, which seemed like a very rock n' roll, punk sort of establishment. We played video puzzle games, had drunken conversation, and I had an Amstel Light (I think) and a Long Island Iced Tea. I was fucked up when the 4AM hour rolled around.
So I was drunk, Colin was buzzed, and we were downtown. Luckily, he lives downtown so he drove the few blocks to his apt. and we crashed hard. The next morning I awoke with extreme cotton mouth and an irrational craving for the greek omelete served at the Nautilus Diner. So up we got and picked up Rose and ate greasy breakfast food. And then I went to work with a perfect hangover.
And that, my friends, is how New Year's is supposed to be! No offense to Colin or Rose, but I so missed my friends. I wished that you guys had been with us! Next year I'm not going to be without you! It just didn't feel right without you guys! I love you. =)
New Year's Eve in Charm City was...well...charming. Rose & I went down to Fell's Point to watch the fireworks display and to meet up with Colin. Colin is a new friend I've made here, with the help of Scott Brooks. He's also from WV and a chef at a landmark restaurant called The Owl Bar. And he sucks at Soul Calibur II.
Anyway, there were SO many fucking people out! Twenty-something parents with their wee children. Entire family groups with moms, dads, kids, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents all drinking together. Groups of twenty or thirty-something men eyeing the gaggles of scantily clad (and freezing) young females with their bodies on display. I saw people dressed in jeans, sweaters, coats, hats...and some in mini skirts, heels, fishnet stockings, and tops that were held on with bits of metallic string...and the rest were somewhere in between.
Midnight struck and the first fireworks exploded into the sky, brilliant red and gold! I hugged Rose and wished her a Happy New Year! I tried to call my parents and brother, but the line was busy. I then tried to call Chris' phone to wish all of my people in Columbus a Happy New Year, but the Cingular network was so overloaded with calls, I couldn't get through. So I put the phone back in my bag and turned my attention to the sparkles in the sky. It was a lovely display, but after about 30 minutes my attention began wandering and I was shivering from the cold. And it was half-past midnight on New Year's Eve and I wasn't drunk! Worse, I hadn't even had my first drop of alcohol!
So Rose and I walked back down the pier, wharf, whatever in search of a warm bar in which we could take shelter while waiting for Colin to arrive. We settled on a place called Max's and at that moment my phone rang and Colin emerged from the crowd. Max's was really too crowded so we decided to walk around to find a nice pub in which we could sit comfortably and talk. Most places were packed to the point that one would have to squeeze their way through the door and would be pressed up against people on all sides while in the establishment. Having a relatively normal sized personal space bubble, I didn't find that at all appealing. Finally we settled on a place called DuClaw Brewing Company.
I'd been to DuClaw before with Craig, but neither Rose nor Colin had been. They brew their own beer, (hence "Brewing Company") and let me tell ya, it kicks ass! And what makes it so sweet (and by "sweet" I mean "totally awesome") the beers have kick ass names too! Like Bare Ass Blonde Ale, Naked Fish, Misfit Red, Devil's Milk, Bad Moon Porter, Ravenwood, Mad Bishop, and Twisted Kilt. Cool, huh? I want to take Shawn, Chris, & Ken here when they come...among other places with good beer.
Anyway, I had two Misfit Red's, a Bare Ass Blonde, and a half of a Red-headed Slut. (God that's the worst shot in the universe! It tasted like Children's Tylenol cough syrup!) I called Chris' phone back and got through this time to wish everyone a Happy New Year. Chris reported that he was sitting on the curb outside of Claddagh's in Columbus trying to sober up so he could drive everyone home. He informed me that Ken had had a wee bit too much to drink as he was taking off his clothes in the pub and at one point was down to his boxers! I asked to talk to Shawn and he adamently refused, stating that Shawn was indisposed. I thought it was just Chris being difficult so I demanded to speak with Shawn. Chris asked Shawn if he wanted to talk and I heard Shawn say, "Yeah...I don't feel so good." And then I heard the sound of gagging and then something liquid & squishy hitting pavement. Promptly followed by the sound of Chris' amused, yet pitying laughter. Yeah. DAMN! I SO WISH I HAD BEEN THERE!!!! I missed you guys so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, while enjoying my beer I received a mysterious text message wishing me a Happy New Year. This same number had sent me a Merry Christmas wish and I'd never figured out who it was. So this time I decided to call it. It turned out to be some complete stranger named Ray. Ray had text messaged me by mistake. Anyway, he was very friendly and we wished each other a Happy New Year and that was that.
By the time we left DuClaw I was feeling very festive. It was 2AM and all the bars were closing, so Rose decided to go home. Colin told me of an after hours party at another bar...it would be open until 4AM! Wooo hooo! You know me! So we went to the Ottobar, which seemed like a very rock n' roll, punk sort of establishment. We played video puzzle games, had drunken conversation, and I had an Amstel Light (I think) and a Long Island Iced Tea. I was fucked up when the 4AM hour rolled around.
So I was drunk, Colin was buzzed, and we were downtown. Luckily, he lives downtown so he drove the few blocks to his apt. and we crashed hard. The next morning I awoke with extreme cotton mouth and an irrational craving for the greek omelete served at the Nautilus Diner. So up we got and picked up Rose and ate greasy breakfast food. And then I went to work with a perfect hangover.
And that, my friends, is how New Year's is supposed to be! No offense to Colin or Rose, but I so missed my friends. I wished that you guys had been with us! Next year I'm not going to be without you! It just didn't feel right without you guys! I love you. =)
Monday, January 10, 2005
We wish you a Harry Krishna
Rose and I went home to WV for Christmas. Super-intelligent creatures that we are, we decided to drive in after having worked all day and been up all the previous night wrapping Christmas gifts for our family. So with zero sleep and limited lucidity, we made it to WV at half-past midnight on Christmas Eve. (Well...I suppose that means we got there Christmas morn.) At any rate, we arrived before Santa and his eight tiny reindeer and promptly passed out from exhaustion. Luckily, we were awakened with shouts of "Santa tame Ant Wose and Ant Twiss!" by our darling Meg at 5:00 AM. Luckily. Or else we might've gotten some rest. =)
But I'm not complaining. It was a lovely Christmas morning, surrounded by my wonderfully warm and loving family. I am truly blessed. =) Meg was, of course, adorable opening her gifts. She attempted to stop half-way through because she had gotten the two things that she'd asked for and I think she was a little overwhelmed. And she was eager to actually play with the toys Santa, her parents, Grandma, Grandpa, & the Aunts had gotten her.
We've the whole thing video taped so that I can relive her cuteness at my leisure, however there were a few moments that stood out in my mind. One was when she opened the karaoke machine that Rose had gotten her. She gasped and said, "Just what I always wanted for Christmas!!!" It was so hilarious! And the joy when she opened the Barbie horse I had gotten her. "It's Spirit's Mom!!!", she exclaimed happily, jumping straight up from the traditional 3 year-old's kneeling gift opening position.
The third moment happened later in the morning. After all the gifts were opened, my family and I just sat around in the living room drinking coffee,eating some of the chocolate that Santa had left in our big red stockings, and watching Meg play with her My Little Ponies. It was a nice peaceful moment. The overhead lights were off in the living room and the Christmas tree was twinkling with all of it's might...green, red, blue, yellow, over and over again. It was still dark out, but the night was beginning to fade from black to a crisp, deep, & misty blue. We all talked in hushed voices. It was home and it was lovely. I finished my coffee and got down on the floor with my little munchkin and her little ponies. She ordered me to lay down and I did and she began using my body for hills and mountains upon which the little ponies galloped. It was damn cute. Then she started walking all over me and giggling maniacally! She walked up my legs and stood on my stomach for a minute. Then she said, "Hold my hands, Ant Twiss." So I did. And then she walked up my chest...and carefully and purposefully placed one of her little feet on one of my breasts. Once she steadied herself, she placed the other foot on the other breast! And then said, "I'm standin' on you boobies, Ant Twiss!" And I laughed until I couldn't breathe...and I thought my mom was either going to suffocate or piss herself!
So Christmas was fantastic...but short.
THE END
Next issue read about The Amazon's New Year's Eve celebration, Phantom of the Opera induced depression & psychosis, and why she's giving up dating!!!
Rose and I went home to WV for Christmas. Super-intelligent creatures that we are, we decided to drive in after having worked all day and been up all the previous night wrapping Christmas gifts for our family. So with zero sleep and limited lucidity, we made it to WV at half-past midnight on Christmas Eve. (Well...I suppose that means we got there Christmas morn.) At any rate, we arrived before Santa and his eight tiny reindeer and promptly passed out from exhaustion. Luckily, we were awakened with shouts of "Santa tame Ant Wose and Ant Twiss!" by our darling Meg at 5:00 AM. Luckily. Or else we might've gotten some rest. =)
But I'm not complaining. It was a lovely Christmas morning, surrounded by my wonderfully warm and loving family. I am truly blessed. =) Meg was, of course, adorable opening her gifts. She attempted to stop half-way through because she had gotten the two things that she'd asked for and I think she was a little overwhelmed. And she was eager to actually play with the toys Santa, her parents, Grandma, Grandpa, & the Aunts had gotten her.
We've the whole thing video taped so that I can relive her cuteness at my leisure, however there were a few moments that stood out in my mind. One was when she opened the karaoke machine that Rose had gotten her. She gasped and said, "Just what I always wanted for Christmas!!!" It was so hilarious! And the joy when she opened the Barbie horse I had gotten her. "It's Spirit's Mom!!!", she exclaimed happily, jumping straight up from the traditional 3 year-old's kneeling gift opening position.
The third moment happened later in the morning. After all the gifts were opened, my family and I just sat around in the living room drinking coffee,eating some of the chocolate that Santa had left in our big red stockings, and watching Meg play with her My Little Ponies. It was a nice peaceful moment. The overhead lights were off in the living room and the Christmas tree was twinkling with all of it's might...green, red, blue, yellow, over and over again. It was still dark out, but the night was beginning to fade from black to a crisp, deep, & misty blue. We all talked in hushed voices. It was home and it was lovely. I finished my coffee and got down on the floor with my little munchkin and her little ponies. She ordered me to lay down and I did and she began using my body for hills and mountains upon which the little ponies galloped. It was damn cute. Then she started walking all over me and giggling maniacally! She walked up my legs and stood on my stomach for a minute. Then she said, "Hold my hands, Ant Twiss." So I did. And then she walked up my chest...and carefully and purposefully placed one of her little feet on one of my breasts. Once she steadied herself, she placed the other foot on the other breast! And then said, "I'm standin' on you boobies, Ant Twiss!" And I laughed until I couldn't breathe...and I thought my mom was either going to suffocate or piss herself!
So Christmas was fantastic...but short.
THE END
Next issue read about The Amazon's New Year's Eve celebration, Phantom of the Opera induced depression & psychosis, and why she's giving up dating!!!
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