I close my eyes.

We were there on a spring day with the sun and the green and the bees. There was nothing malicious anywhere. It was just quiet and smiling. Occasionally the sun would hide behind the clouds and the wind would make me shiver.

Once the chill held on after the cloud had passed. There was sun on my face, but I felt no warmth. Something tugged at me then. A gnawing inside my chest pulling me, urging me to see, but I refused to look. I just closed my eyes.

In my head I was a little girl in dirt stained play clothes with strawberry jam smudged on my shirt. I was a little girl with stringy blond hair in disarray with her small hands over her ears, eyes closed, and screaming, “La la la la la la! I can’t hear you!!!” as loud as she could scream. The chill passed and I felt the warm of sunlight on my face.

“Sweetie?” you said.

And I opened my eyes.