Happiness
I remember long conversations with my friends regarding what we wanted in life. Our goals. Our dreams. Ultimately we said that we each wanted "happiness". But, of course, that meant different things to each of us. Ultimately these conversations would spark philisophical and, sometimes, religious debates. And actually, it still does.
My definition of what brings me contentment and peace has changed over the years with the pain and joy that brings self-understanding, wisdom, and knowing. And I know now that happiness is not something I can achieve and keep within my grasp permanently. It's not like a sports car, a house with a picket fence, or a PhD in Psychology. It is not concrete. It is a concept. An idea. A feeling. A moment. It will come and go. It will burn and fade. It will blossom and die. And so I've learned that when I find myself experiencing such a moment, such a feeling, I must appreciate it, savor it, with my eyes wide open. Joying in it and mourning it as it passes.
Last night, my boyfriend came home. From the moment that I picked him up at the airport I felt at peace...content...happy. Last night I slept beside him. Right now I'm watching him dream in my bed. And I feel so alive. So in love. And I am loving this moment.
I know that this is what I want. Always. But I know that I won't have this for always. We'll part one day, either by choice or by time and death. And so I'm wrapping it up in a little golden package to keep in my head and heart. For always. Well...at least until I burn...until I fade and am no more.
"i don't get many things right the first time
in fact, i am told that a lot
now i know all the wrong times,
the stumbles and falls
brought me here
and where was i before the day
that i first saw your lovely face?
now i see it everyday, and i know...
that i am
that i am
i am the luckiest"
~ The Luckiest by Ben Folds
I want somebody who sees the pointlessness and still keeps their purpose in mind;
I want somebody who has a tortured soul...some of the time;
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery;
Or maybe just put it all to words and make me say, "You know, I never heard it put that way".
Make me say, "What did you just say?"
~Ani Difranco "Asking Too Much"
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Sunday, July 10, 2005
My trip to Cincinnati: Volume II
Git th' corn mash ready, paw!
We slept in a bit the next morning as we were both tired from the previous days work and such. But once we finally got our asses out of bed and clean, we headed out to tour the Woodford Reserve Distillery located in Versailles, KY.
It was about an hour and a half drive, but we didn't mind because it was a glorious day for a drive! The sun was beaming down, the sky was gleaming blue and dotted with little white puffs of clouds, and everything was greener than green! We traveled the entire way with the windows down and Colin's techno music (that I'm actually learning to enjoy) thump, thump, thumping.
We arrived at the distillery, nestled in the rolling hills of Kentucky, just in time for the last tour. The first building we were shown was where the ingredients (corn, grains, and stuffs) are mixed together and cooked at 215 degrees for 8 hours. Upon walking in the door, we were overcome with the odor of the cooking. It sort of smelled like corn meal muffins baking. And warm liquor.
We got to peer down into the gigantic cooker thingie, which spanned floor to ceiling in this two-story barn-like structure. We then were led across the room to these two big wooden containers where the mash is transfered after it cooks. They too spanned floor to ceiling and were probably about 10 feet in diameter. Inside these huge, open, wooden containers we found a bubbling, deep yellowish porridgey substance. This was the mash. Here they add a special type of yeast which processes the sugars and produces alcohol. Hence all the bubbling. It was so freaking cool!
We left that building and went on to the distilling building, which held three huge copper pots that, again, spanned from floor to ceiling. It is through these that the alcohol is removed from the mash. The tour guide let us smell some of the alcohol that is produced from this and it smelled just like vodka. It's basically moonshine at this point. Anyway, then the moonshine like stuff is placed in toasted and charred white ash barrels where it's stored for 7 years (I think). We went to the storage building that held barrel after barrel in nearly every available space and then on to the bottling area.
Although bourbon has never been my liquor of choice, it was very cool to see how it was made. I had a greater appreciation for the thimble-full of Woodford that we were allowed to taste at the conclusion of our tour with the knowledge of the TLC that goes into making it. I not only learned how it was made but also that the burning sensation you get when you drink it is part of the whole experience. And no one had ever explained that I should drink it slowly. It might've helped to know that. Thank you, Colin!
Porsche Boy with the Sick house
After Colin and I indulged in a few purchases from the gift shop (including chocolates, shot glass, high ball glass, sexy visor, and flask) we went on our merry way and met up with Colin's friend Coleman. Coleman works at the Porsche dealership in Lexington, KY and has promised to one day let us test drive one of those hot little vehicles in his charge. Woot!
We grabbed some lunch/dinner at Chipotle and followed Coleman back to his "sick" house. The house was "sick", as Coleman liked to describe it, because it was fucking huge and only houses himself and his fiance. So a "sick" house in the Lexington area costs about half a million and consists of the following: a two car garage with charming carriage house garage doors, three huge bedrooms, a lovely dining room, a great room with fabulous leather couches and ottoman, a remote control fireplace, a wrought iron staircase, a kitchen with smart appliances and what appeared to be granite kitchen counters, a master bathroom with a two person standing shower and a whirlpool tub, and a gigantic walk-in closet, and an upstairs sitting room. I could only saw "wow" over and over again. And then Colin and I started planning our future and estimating when we would be able to afford a house as "sick" as this.
Coleman changed clothes and then we followed him out a terribly exciting little country road, with all sorts of turns and twists, perfect for driving too fast on with a car that handles well. After a bit we arrived at a fireworks wholesaler where Coleman was picking up an order of fireworks for his girlie's family. We helped him load his trunk and fill the entire rear passenger area of his Ford Taurus with gunpowder packed items and wished him a safe and spark free journey. For our assistance we were rewarded with some awesome "boom, boom sparkly up in the sky" fireworks and some bottle rockets! Hurray for Coleman!
We said our goodbyes to Coleman, sped back out the twisty, turny country roadie, and made a stop at Liquor Barn to purchase some wine. (For old times sake, boys! God bless Richmond Road and the Liquor Barn!)
That evening we returned to the mansion hotel feeling content with the pleasant day wrapping itself up in the twilight. There had been much laughing, learning, smiling, loving, dreaming, and planning. Many of the things Colin said to me that day left warm fuzzies in my heart that still jump up and dance as I'm thinking about him now. I know the warm fuzzies don't last forever, but I'm enjoying them now, a week prior. Enjoying them with a smile on my face and thanking God for the chance to be.
When The Levee Breaks...
The next day Colin took me to browse some shops the Hyde Park area of Newport, which was a slow paced, elegant little section of the city complete with upscale dining, wine and gourmet food shops, "my husband is a doctor" jewelry stores, and a unique and beautiful architecture. After buying some champagne and sampling tea biscuits and cheese, we headed on to Newport on the Levee, an entertainment center with shops, restaurants, and a movie theater. This is where Colin's restaurant, Brio Tuscan Grille , is located. Just across the Ohio River stands the semi-skyscraping buildings of Cincinnati. At night it's quite a lovely view, with all the buildings light up and sparkling against the night sky. Colin has a perfect view of it from his 5th floor hotel window. Lucky boy!
At the Levee, we got some lunch at Claddagh Irish Pub and then watched War of the Worlds. The movie was enjoyable, a sci-fi special effects extravaganza as I expected it to be. From there we went back to the hotel to drink delicious champagne and some pretty tasty wine (but not as good as the Argyle, love) by the pool. And to swim, of course. I recall some jokes about living it up at the country club, Colin refering to me as Buffy, and talking in a god-awful, snobby, Mr. Howell-from-Gilligan's-Island-voice. And there was some hugging and holding and more warm-fuzzy inducing conversation.
Isn't it romantic?
After a while we went back inside to get ready for dinner. Colin had decided to take me to a restaurant called Nicholson's. He donned a smart blue dress shirt, a tie, and some dark grey dress slacks and I chose a very low cut, kingy black dress (which showed off my ample cleavage) paired with black fish nets, and some strappy black satin shoes. We were head-turning smoking hot!
We arrived at Nicholson's, a very cozy and elegant pub decorated in warm colors, with a huge mahogany bar with brass detailings and trimmings. It was lovely. There Colin treated me to one of the most delightful and delicious dinners I've ever eaten in my life. I ordered a beer sampler to go with my perfectly prepared dinner of filet mignon and he bought himself a $65 glass of 21 year old scotch to go with his. (Eeeek!) Desert and desert drinks happened and we wound up with a $195.00 check! My eyes bulged out of my head and I offered my boyfriend money, which he refused. (I can spend that much on groceries for a whole month and still have food left over when the next month rolls around!) Aside from the nice ambiance and the yummy food, we had pleasant conversation with hand holding and romantic gazing into each other's eyes. Again, thank you, love! You continuously amaze me!
Happy Independence Day! or Let's play with explosives!
As we were crossing one of the bridges which spans the Ohio River between Newport and Cincinnati, we caught the last beautiful bursts of sparkles from the fireworks and witnessed the short, but lovely grande finale of the Newport/Cincinnati fireworks display. We were thus inspired to set fire to our own gunpowder packed, sparkling, explosive devices. So we returned to the hotel, changed into more comfortable clothing, and walked down to the little park by the mansion hotel. There we took turns setting off the fireworks that Coleman had given us, and giggled with delight as each one took to the sky and lit up our night for one brief moment! Then we set off bottle rockets till we got bored. (Which didn't take long with Colin's ADD and my state of slight tipsyness.)
Anyway, this was the first time I'd ever had any "big" fireworks of that nature and it simply fucking rocked! Next year, we're getting the super big ones! Oh and we still have some left! Woot! Hopefully Dinga (? not sure of the spelling) will let us on the roof of the Belvedere so that we can show Baltimore how pretty fireworks can be!
Monday, monday
The next day was Monday and poor Colin had to be at work at 5am to do inventory and work on his projects. I got up and waited while he showered and got ready and then wished him a good day and kissed him off to work. With some guilt, I crawled back in bed to sleep a few hours. I woke at about 9:30 or 10am and started gathering and sorting through my beloved's laundry so that I could go to the laundromat. Once whites and colors were separated, I made use of the hotel gym, then got directions to Kmart (so I could get our photos developed) and to a local coin laundry from mapquest. Then I gathered up the clothes and set out to explore the little town and run my errands. After much driving around due to crappy directions, I found a Walgreens at which to develop the film and then proceeded on to the laundromat. I spent my morning washing and drying and folding the boyfriend's clothing and reading Band of Brothers.
After every little sock, undergarment, and dress shirt was clean, I returned to the hotel, put the clothing away, got into my swim suit, and prepared to head down to the pool. I made it out into the hallway and the elevator opened with Colin inside. I returned to the room with him, he tackled me on the bed, and threatened to kidnap me and keep me with him, reciting the kidnap note that he would send to the Cherry Hill methadone clinic to let them know that I'm no longer returning to work.
After sharing a few playful and passionate moments with me, he donned his swim trunks and we went to bask in the sun together. After some sunning, reading, and swimming, we went back inside and prepared to go to dinner. I hurried in my grooming, we picked up our pictures, and then returned to the hotel. My poor love wasn't feeling well and he needed to lie down for a bit. So we cuddled up together in bed, watched a few episodes of Invader Zim (which Colin introduced me to this weekend and I adore! I love GIR!!!), and feel asleep side by side. I awoke at about 8:30pm and once I realized that he needed to rest, I let him sleep the rest of the evening. I finally roused him to find out what he wanted for dinner as I was starving due to not having eaten all day. We ate Arby's and then watched Windtalkers while cuddling on the couch. And then it was bedtime. I crawled in beside him for the last time that trip and savored every moment of lying next to him.
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn...
I didn't sleep well at all. Mainly because I was troubled by the fact that I had to leave my love when the alarm clock buzzed it's hateful little buzz. And at 4am it buzzed. And I woke in the blue darkness of the morning with a heavy heart. Colin mumbled that it was time for me to get up and so I did. I showered, finished packing my things, and woke my lover to kiss him goodbye. Then I sulked down to the car and drove back toward Columbus.
About halfway there I remembered that I would be driving through the city during rush hour traffic, but then calmed when I remembered that it wasn't Baltimore. I made it to Shawn and Chris' apartment complex, parked the car, called a taxi and waited with a twisting sick feeling in my stomach. I felt that way partly for the fear that I would miss my flight and partly due to wanting to turn around and drive back to Cincinnati! The taxi arrived and took me the few miles to the airport. I checked-in, checked my bag, and sauntered through security in about 20 minutes total. I had about an hour before my flight, so I grabbed some hot chai and settled down to read a bit. There were people all around me, but I felt so lonely. Is that how you know? Is that how you know you're in love? You hate to be without that person and you count the days till you can see them again? "But I'll see him in a week or so", I thought, "And that's not so bad."
Leavin' on a jet plane...
I boarded my flight, got comfortable in a window seat, and fell asleep shortly after we reached 10,000 feet. I drifted in and out of consciousness for about half an hour and then we landed. I found my bag, Rose picked me up, and then I went on to work. I worked the day in a distracted and tired state, giving clients my undivided attention during sessions, and reminiscing over the weekend periodically while completing progress notes and other paper work the rest of the day.
It was a beautiful weekend, filled with many gold dust moments that still fill me with the warm, gentle glow of being in love. I treasure this feeling. I hope it will last forever. I understand that it won't. But I know it will return from time to time throughout the years. That I'll look into those beautiful blue-green eyes and be just as in love with him as I am right now.
"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go'
Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go"
~ Leavin' on a jet plane by John Denver
Git th' corn mash ready, paw!
We slept in a bit the next morning as we were both tired from the previous days work and such. But once we finally got our asses out of bed and clean, we headed out to tour the Woodford Reserve Distillery located in Versailles, KY.
It was about an hour and a half drive, but we didn't mind because it was a glorious day for a drive! The sun was beaming down, the sky was gleaming blue and dotted with little white puffs of clouds, and everything was greener than green! We traveled the entire way with the windows down and Colin's techno music (that I'm actually learning to enjoy) thump, thump, thumping.
We arrived at the distillery, nestled in the rolling hills of Kentucky, just in time for the last tour. The first building we were shown was where the ingredients (corn, grains, and stuffs) are mixed together and cooked at 215 degrees for 8 hours. Upon walking in the door, we were overcome with the odor of the cooking. It sort of smelled like corn meal muffins baking. And warm liquor.
We got to peer down into the gigantic cooker thingie, which spanned floor to ceiling in this two-story barn-like structure. We then were led across the room to these two big wooden containers where the mash is transfered after it cooks. They too spanned floor to ceiling and were probably about 10 feet in diameter. Inside these huge, open, wooden containers we found a bubbling, deep yellowish porridgey substance. This was the mash. Here they add a special type of yeast which processes the sugars and produces alcohol. Hence all the bubbling. It was so freaking cool!
We left that building and went on to the distilling building, which held three huge copper pots that, again, spanned from floor to ceiling. It is through these that the alcohol is removed from the mash. The tour guide let us smell some of the alcohol that is produced from this and it smelled just like vodka. It's basically moonshine at this point. Anyway, then the moonshine like stuff is placed in toasted and charred white ash barrels where it's stored for 7 years (I think). We went to the storage building that held barrel after barrel in nearly every available space and then on to the bottling area.
Although bourbon has never been my liquor of choice, it was very cool to see how it was made. I had a greater appreciation for the thimble-full of Woodford that we were allowed to taste at the conclusion of our tour with the knowledge of the TLC that goes into making it. I not only learned how it was made but also that the burning sensation you get when you drink it is part of the whole experience. And no one had ever explained that I should drink it slowly. It might've helped to know that. Thank you, Colin!
Porsche Boy with the Sick house
After Colin and I indulged in a few purchases from the gift shop (including chocolates, shot glass, high ball glass, sexy visor, and flask) we went on our merry way and met up with Colin's friend Coleman. Coleman works at the Porsche dealership in Lexington, KY and has promised to one day let us test drive one of those hot little vehicles in his charge. Woot!
We grabbed some lunch/dinner at Chipotle and followed Coleman back to his "sick" house. The house was "sick", as Coleman liked to describe it, because it was fucking huge and only houses himself and his fiance. So a "sick" house in the Lexington area costs about half a million and consists of the following: a two car garage with charming carriage house garage doors, three huge bedrooms, a lovely dining room, a great room with fabulous leather couches and ottoman, a remote control fireplace, a wrought iron staircase, a kitchen with smart appliances and what appeared to be granite kitchen counters, a master bathroom with a two person standing shower and a whirlpool tub, and a gigantic walk-in closet, and an upstairs sitting room. I could only saw "wow" over and over again. And then Colin and I started planning our future and estimating when we would be able to afford a house as "sick" as this.
Coleman changed clothes and then we followed him out a terribly exciting little country road, with all sorts of turns and twists, perfect for driving too fast on with a car that handles well. After a bit we arrived at a fireworks wholesaler where Coleman was picking up an order of fireworks for his girlie's family. We helped him load his trunk and fill the entire rear passenger area of his Ford Taurus with gunpowder packed items and wished him a safe and spark free journey. For our assistance we were rewarded with some awesome "boom, boom sparkly up in the sky" fireworks and some bottle rockets! Hurray for Coleman!
We said our goodbyes to Coleman, sped back out the twisty, turny country roadie, and made a stop at Liquor Barn to purchase some wine. (For old times sake, boys! God bless Richmond Road and the Liquor Barn!)
That evening we returned to the mansion hotel feeling content with the pleasant day wrapping itself up in the twilight. There had been much laughing, learning, smiling, loving, dreaming, and planning. Many of the things Colin said to me that day left warm fuzzies in my heart that still jump up and dance as I'm thinking about him now. I know the warm fuzzies don't last forever, but I'm enjoying them now, a week prior. Enjoying them with a smile on my face and thanking God for the chance to be.
When The Levee Breaks...
The next day Colin took me to browse some shops the Hyde Park area of Newport, which was a slow paced, elegant little section of the city complete with upscale dining, wine and gourmet food shops, "my husband is a doctor" jewelry stores, and a unique and beautiful architecture. After buying some champagne and sampling tea biscuits and cheese, we headed on to Newport on the Levee, an entertainment center with shops, restaurants, and a movie theater. This is where Colin's restaurant, Brio Tuscan Grille , is located. Just across the Ohio River stands the semi-skyscraping buildings of Cincinnati. At night it's quite a lovely view, with all the buildings light up and sparkling against the night sky. Colin has a perfect view of it from his 5th floor hotel window. Lucky boy!
At the Levee, we got some lunch at Claddagh Irish Pub and then watched War of the Worlds. The movie was enjoyable, a sci-fi special effects extravaganza as I expected it to be. From there we went back to the hotel to drink delicious champagne and some pretty tasty wine (but not as good as the Argyle, love) by the pool. And to swim, of course. I recall some jokes about living it up at the country club, Colin refering to me as Buffy, and talking in a god-awful, snobby, Mr. Howell-from-Gilligan's-Island-voice. And there was some hugging and holding and more warm-fuzzy inducing conversation.
Isn't it romantic?
After a while we went back inside to get ready for dinner. Colin had decided to take me to a restaurant called Nicholson's. He donned a smart blue dress shirt, a tie, and some dark grey dress slacks and I chose a very low cut, kingy black dress (which showed off my ample cleavage) paired with black fish nets, and some strappy black satin shoes. We were head-turning smoking hot!
We arrived at Nicholson's, a very cozy and elegant pub decorated in warm colors, with a huge mahogany bar with brass detailings and trimmings. It was lovely. There Colin treated me to one of the most delightful and delicious dinners I've ever eaten in my life. I ordered a beer sampler to go with my perfectly prepared dinner of filet mignon and he bought himself a $65 glass of 21 year old scotch to go with his. (Eeeek!) Desert and desert drinks happened and we wound up with a $195.00 check! My eyes bulged out of my head and I offered my boyfriend money, which he refused. (I can spend that much on groceries for a whole month and still have food left over when the next month rolls around!) Aside from the nice ambiance and the yummy food, we had pleasant conversation with hand holding and romantic gazing into each other's eyes. Again, thank you, love! You continuously amaze me!
Happy Independence Day! or Let's play with explosives!
As we were crossing one of the bridges which spans the Ohio River between Newport and Cincinnati, we caught the last beautiful bursts of sparkles from the fireworks and witnessed the short, but lovely grande finale of the Newport/Cincinnati fireworks display. We were thus inspired to set fire to our own gunpowder packed, sparkling, explosive devices. So we returned to the hotel, changed into more comfortable clothing, and walked down to the little park by the mansion hotel. There we took turns setting off the fireworks that Coleman had given us, and giggled with delight as each one took to the sky and lit up our night for one brief moment! Then we set off bottle rockets till we got bored. (Which didn't take long with Colin's ADD and my state of slight tipsyness.)
Anyway, this was the first time I'd ever had any "big" fireworks of that nature and it simply fucking rocked! Next year, we're getting the super big ones! Oh and we still have some left! Woot! Hopefully Dinga (? not sure of the spelling) will let us on the roof of the Belvedere so that we can show Baltimore how pretty fireworks can be!
Monday, monday
The next day was Monday and poor Colin had to be at work at 5am to do inventory and work on his projects. I got up and waited while he showered and got ready and then wished him a good day and kissed him off to work. With some guilt, I crawled back in bed to sleep a few hours. I woke at about 9:30 or 10am and started gathering and sorting through my beloved's laundry so that I could go to the laundromat. Once whites and colors were separated, I made use of the hotel gym, then got directions to Kmart (so I could get our photos developed) and to a local coin laundry from mapquest. Then I gathered up the clothes and set out to explore the little town and run my errands. After much driving around due to crappy directions, I found a Walgreens at which to develop the film and then proceeded on to the laundromat. I spent my morning washing and drying and folding the boyfriend's clothing and reading Band of Brothers.
After every little sock, undergarment, and dress shirt was clean, I returned to the hotel, put the clothing away, got into my swim suit, and prepared to head down to the pool. I made it out into the hallway and the elevator opened with Colin inside. I returned to the room with him, he tackled me on the bed, and threatened to kidnap me and keep me with him, reciting the kidnap note that he would send to the Cherry Hill methadone clinic to let them know that I'm no longer returning to work.
After sharing a few playful and passionate moments with me, he donned his swim trunks and we went to bask in the sun together. After some sunning, reading, and swimming, we went back inside and prepared to go to dinner. I hurried in my grooming, we picked up our pictures, and then returned to the hotel. My poor love wasn't feeling well and he needed to lie down for a bit. So we cuddled up together in bed, watched a few episodes of Invader Zim (which Colin introduced me to this weekend and I adore! I love GIR!!!), and feel asleep side by side. I awoke at about 8:30pm and once I realized that he needed to rest, I let him sleep the rest of the evening. I finally roused him to find out what he wanted for dinner as I was starving due to not having eaten all day. We ate Arby's and then watched Windtalkers while cuddling on the couch. And then it was bedtime. I crawled in beside him for the last time that trip and savored every moment of lying next to him.
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn...
I didn't sleep well at all. Mainly because I was troubled by the fact that I had to leave my love when the alarm clock buzzed it's hateful little buzz. And at 4am it buzzed. And I woke in the blue darkness of the morning with a heavy heart. Colin mumbled that it was time for me to get up and so I did. I showered, finished packing my things, and woke my lover to kiss him goodbye. Then I sulked down to the car and drove back toward Columbus.
About halfway there I remembered that I would be driving through the city during rush hour traffic, but then calmed when I remembered that it wasn't Baltimore. I made it to Shawn and Chris' apartment complex, parked the car, called a taxi and waited with a twisting sick feeling in my stomach. I felt that way partly for the fear that I would miss my flight and partly due to wanting to turn around and drive back to Cincinnati! The taxi arrived and took me the few miles to the airport. I checked-in, checked my bag, and sauntered through security in about 20 minutes total. I had about an hour before my flight, so I grabbed some hot chai and settled down to read a bit. There were people all around me, but I felt so lonely. Is that how you know? Is that how you know you're in love? You hate to be without that person and you count the days till you can see them again? "But I'll see him in a week or so", I thought, "And that's not so bad."
Leavin' on a jet plane...
I boarded my flight, got comfortable in a window seat, and fell asleep shortly after we reached 10,000 feet. I drifted in and out of consciousness for about half an hour and then we landed. I found my bag, Rose picked me up, and then I went on to work. I worked the day in a distracted and tired state, giving clients my undivided attention during sessions, and reminiscing over the weekend periodically while completing progress notes and other paper work the rest of the day.
It was a beautiful weekend, filled with many gold dust moments that still fill me with the warm, gentle glow of being in love. I treasure this feeling. I hope it will last forever. I understand that it won't. But I know it will return from time to time throughout the years. That I'll look into those beautiful blue-green eyes and be just as in love with him as I am right now.
"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go'
Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go"
~ Leavin' on a jet plane by John Denver
Thursday, July 07, 2005
My trip to Cincinnatti: Volume I
Lost Girls in the Hood
This past Friday, July 1st 2005, at about 3:15 PM I was pacing back and forth on the deserted sidewalk outside of the Cherry Hill addictions clinic in a reserved state of panic.
My flight to Columbus, Ohio was scheduled to leave at 4:35 PM. I needed to be there by 3:30 PM to ensure that I could check in and make it through security and to my gate. Rose was on her way to pick me up and take me to BWI, but she had gotten slightly lost because the Maryland Department of Highways finally decided to do some much needed road work in Baltimore City and had blocked the only route she knew to my place of employment.
Strangely enough, I had gotten lost two days prior (while attempting to find a Post Office at which to mail a gift for my beau) on the very roads she was traveling. Even though the endeavor consumed my lunch break and left me frustrated and sweaty (no air conditioning in the car), I found the post office, mailed the sex dice, and made my way back to work. So with my heart pounding and a sick little twistie in my stomach, I managed to talk her safely through the ghetto and to me via cell phone. I nearly peed myself in delight when I saw her little black Mercedes turn round the curve. I hopped in and we sped, at the whiplash inducing speed of 55 mph, on to Baltimore-Washington International airport.
Things like this just make me wonder. If I had never gotten lost and had to find my way back to the clinic, would I have been able to help her find me? Would I have made my plane? Hmmmmm... Maybe even the most insignificant things make a difference in the end.
Big ol' Jet Airliner...
As Rose dropped me off at the door and I walked inside to check-in, my heart went all fluttery again. The line for check-in was about 50 people long and I had approximately 45 minutes until my flight left. "Stay calm, Christina. Don't panic. No! Don't even think it! You DO NOT think about beating those people up in front of you. You WILL NOT get to the front of the line quicker that way."
The airport personnel herded us through the line more quickly than I expected, and soon I was standing in line for security. The joys of removing all of my jewelry, my flip flops, placing all of my goodies in a basket, and walking barefoot on the dirty airport floor were mine. And then I was on my way to find my gate with 20 minutes to spare. God bless a well-oiled and efficient machine!
My flight was about 15 minutes late, but we eventually boarded. And then I flew. During the flight I read some of Band of Brothers, but lost concentration due to some woman telling her recent divorce sob story to some poor sap sitting behind me. And due to the fucker who was afraid of flying sitting across the aisle from me. When will I learn never to tell people in planes or in bars that I'm a counselor? When?
Mis Amigos and Dances with the NRA
I arrived in Columbus at about 6:15 PM and caught up with Shawn and Chris at about 6:30 PM. It was nothing but love from the moment they greeted me. Love wrapped in hate and mocking comments. Ah, friends. They're the ones who, when you're pooping blood, they'll laugh at you and make you think you have cancer.
Anyway, we went to dinner at a little mexican restaurant and then stopped at My Bear and Trader Joe's for food they could take on their hiking trip in the Badlands. While waiting for Shawn to finish up at Trader Joe's, Chris and I were sitting in the Jeep when he hopped up and sat on the roll bar and started looking around. I joined him and said, "What'cha looking at?" He answered, "Just looking." So we looked together. It was a beautiful evening, the sky a fantastic shade of brilliant blue. And I commented on how very clean and creepily planned the whole Easton area is. So unlike Baltimore's dirty randomness.
We headed back to their place for a while and they finished packing their packs. Shawn's weighed about 50 lbs. and I walked around with it on for a bit, sticking my ass out and acting generally silly. Shawn asked me, "Does Colin make it a habit to date retards?" and "Where's your helmet?". I played with their kitty for a bit and we watched a bit of Dances with Wolves.
I've never actually seen the whole movie, only catching snippets here and there, so I kept pestering them about the plot and the characters the way Rose does me. "Who is he? Why did he say that? Did she really? What does "tatanka" mean?" This is truly the most annoying thing in the universe. Chris kept looking from his hatchet and back to me and to his hatchet and back to me. I wonder what he was thinking about.
One thing that struck me about the movie was the battle that the "good Indians" won against the "bad Indians" using the rifles that Kevin Costner's character provided them. There was an awful lot of rifle firing going on, which made me wonder: Did the NRA commission this film? Again, hhmmmmm...
Shawn and Chris finally got all packed, so we left. The boys hopped in the Jeep and sped off toward Champagne, IL to pick up Ken. I hotwired Shawn's car and drove to Cincinnati. Well...no, not really. Shawn, wonderful doppleganger that he is, allowed me to borrow his car so that I could drive onward to Cincinnati.
This body holding me...
I arrived at about 11:30 PM. Colin was closing the restaurant so I swung by to hug and kiss my wonderful boyfriend and to get his room key. I met a few people that he works with and then wirggled my way through the streets of Newport to the mansion hotel. I then nervously primped and prettied myself, donning a sexy black one-piece lingere item (complete with garter belt and lacy thigh highs), lit some candles, and waited in the softly flickering darkness for my love to come home.
I had forgotten, however, that he had given me his keys and that I would have to go downstairs to let him in the door. Luckily, I had a pink satin robe that provided adequate coverage, so I was able to go downstairs and let him in without giving the hotel patrons and staff heart attacks or aneurisms.
We returned upstairs, he showered, and then we fell into each other's arms. And god it felt so good just to hold him. To feel his arms wrapped around me and to hear his softly spoken verbal caresses. We looked into each other's eyes, and kissed, and touched. I felt in that moment just how much I had missed him. And I realized that I really never want to be without him. And then we made love. Desire and love mingled together and it was beautiful. And we were beautiful. And we fell asleep holding each other.
"We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are Choosing to be here right now.
Hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience.
Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me.
Be my reminder here that I am not alone
In this body, this body holding me,
Feeling eternal, all this pain is an illusion."
~ "Parabola" by Tool from Lateralus
To be continued....
Lost Girls in the Hood
This past Friday, July 1st 2005, at about 3:15 PM I was pacing back and forth on the deserted sidewalk outside of the Cherry Hill addictions clinic in a reserved state of panic.
My flight to Columbus, Ohio was scheduled to leave at 4:35 PM. I needed to be there by 3:30 PM to ensure that I could check in and make it through security and to my gate. Rose was on her way to pick me up and take me to BWI, but she had gotten slightly lost because the Maryland Department of Highways finally decided to do some much needed road work in Baltimore City and had blocked the only route she knew to my place of employment.
Strangely enough, I had gotten lost two days prior (while attempting to find a Post Office at which to mail a gift for my beau) on the very roads she was traveling. Even though the endeavor consumed my lunch break and left me frustrated and sweaty (no air conditioning in the car), I found the post office, mailed the sex dice, and made my way back to work. So with my heart pounding and a sick little twistie in my stomach, I managed to talk her safely through the ghetto and to me via cell phone. I nearly peed myself in delight when I saw her little black Mercedes turn round the curve. I hopped in and we sped, at the whiplash inducing speed of 55 mph, on to Baltimore-Washington International airport.
Things like this just make me wonder. If I had never gotten lost and had to find my way back to the clinic, would I have been able to help her find me? Would I have made my plane? Hmmmmm... Maybe even the most insignificant things make a difference in the end.
Big ol' Jet Airliner...
As Rose dropped me off at the door and I walked inside to check-in, my heart went all fluttery again. The line for check-in was about 50 people long and I had approximately 45 minutes until my flight left. "Stay calm, Christina. Don't panic. No! Don't even think it! You DO NOT think about beating those people up in front of you. You WILL NOT get to the front of the line quicker that way."
The airport personnel herded us through the line more quickly than I expected, and soon I was standing in line for security. The joys of removing all of my jewelry, my flip flops, placing all of my goodies in a basket, and walking barefoot on the dirty airport floor were mine. And then I was on my way to find my gate with 20 minutes to spare. God bless a well-oiled and efficient machine!
My flight was about 15 minutes late, but we eventually boarded. And then I flew. During the flight I read some of Band of Brothers, but lost concentration due to some woman telling her recent divorce sob story to some poor sap sitting behind me. And due to the fucker who was afraid of flying sitting across the aisle from me. When will I learn never to tell people in planes or in bars that I'm a counselor? When?
Mis Amigos and Dances with the NRA
I arrived in Columbus at about 6:15 PM and caught up with Shawn and Chris at about 6:30 PM. It was nothing but love from the moment they greeted me. Love wrapped in hate and mocking comments. Ah, friends. They're the ones who, when you're pooping blood, they'll laugh at you and make you think you have cancer.
Anyway, we went to dinner at a little mexican restaurant and then stopped at My Bear and Trader Joe's for food they could take on their hiking trip in the Badlands. While waiting for Shawn to finish up at Trader Joe's, Chris and I were sitting in the Jeep when he hopped up and sat on the roll bar and started looking around. I joined him and said, "What'cha looking at?" He answered, "Just looking." So we looked together. It was a beautiful evening, the sky a fantastic shade of brilliant blue. And I commented on how very clean and creepily planned the whole Easton area is. So unlike Baltimore's dirty randomness.
We headed back to their place for a while and they finished packing their packs. Shawn's weighed about 50 lbs. and I walked around with it on for a bit, sticking my ass out and acting generally silly. Shawn asked me, "Does Colin make it a habit to date retards?" and "Where's your helmet?". I played with their kitty for a bit and we watched a bit of Dances with Wolves.
I've never actually seen the whole movie, only catching snippets here and there, so I kept pestering them about the plot and the characters the way Rose does me. "Who is he? Why did he say that? Did she really? What does "tatanka" mean?" This is truly the most annoying thing in the universe. Chris kept looking from his hatchet and back to me and to his hatchet and back to me. I wonder what he was thinking about.
One thing that struck me about the movie was the battle that the "good Indians" won against the "bad Indians" using the rifles that Kevin Costner's character provided them. There was an awful lot of rifle firing going on, which made me wonder: Did the NRA commission this film? Again, hhmmmmm...
Shawn and Chris finally got all packed, so we left. The boys hopped in the Jeep and sped off toward Champagne, IL to pick up Ken. I hotwired Shawn's car and drove to Cincinnati. Well...no, not really. Shawn, wonderful doppleganger that he is, allowed me to borrow his car so that I could drive onward to Cincinnati.
This body holding me...
I arrived at about 11:30 PM. Colin was closing the restaurant so I swung by to hug and kiss my wonderful boyfriend and to get his room key. I met a few people that he works with and then wirggled my way through the streets of Newport to the mansion hotel. I then nervously primped and prettied myself, donning a sexy black one-piece lingere item (complete with garter belt and lacy thigh highs), lit some candles, and waited in the softly flickering darkness for my love to come home.
I had forgotten, however, that he had given me his keys and that I would have to go downstairs to let him in the door. Luckily, I had a pink satin robe that provided adequate coverage, so I was able to go downstairs and let him in without giving the hotel patrons and staff heart attacks or aneurisms.
We returned upstairs, he showered, and then we fell into each other's arms. And god it felt so good just to hold him. To feel his arms wrapped around me and to hear his softly spoken verbal caresses. We looked into each other's eyes, and kissed, and touched. I felt in that moment just how much I had missed him. And I realized that I really never want to be without him. And then we made love. Desire and love mingled together and it was beautiful. And we were beautiful. And we fell asleep holding each other.
"We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are Choosing to be here right now.
Hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience.
Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me.
Be my reminder here that I am not alone
In this body, this body holding me,
Feeling eternal, all this pain is an illusion."
~ "Parabola" by Tool from Lateralus
To be continued....
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