The Double Blog Catastrophie

So I've been posting on myspace for a while. I have betrayed Blogger!!!! EEEEEEKKKKK!!! But I've returned. I'm still going to keep up both. I promise. Cut and paste is my friend.

Anyway for those of you who missed my happenings due to my betrayal...well here ya go. My summer in all it's weirdness and glory.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Counting the days...1, 2, 3!!! Current mood: happy-sad
The wheather has been gray and overcast all day. It has fit my mood. (Blah!) But I'm tired of blah. Too much blah makes you blah, blah, blah and that won't do!
Especially when two of my best boys are coming to visit this weekend! And especially, 'specially when my very best boy in the whole universe is coming home to me on Saturday in the wee hours! (In the wheeeee hours! "I saw this kid in a wheelchair and he was going really, really fast and he was like...Wwhheeeee!!!!")
Two days till I get to see Shawn and Sean. And three days until I get to sleep next to the man I love.

I can still smell the musky scent of your skin touching mine. Burning with passion or cooling with tears. Love won’t be hidden here in the honest light of morning. I see you with blue-green eyes on fire and I know. Waking to the sound of your breathing and the feel of you here next to me..I am home.

And finally I understand the reason for all of my searching. And for once I don’t mind my scars. I have found half of me in you. And I truly cannot imagine my world without you in it.

Saturday, August 13, 2005
Car and guitars...and Medical School Current mood: cheerful
I pulled out my guitar again. I'm working on learning "Wish You Were Here" by Incubus. Ouchie!!! These chords are quite a fucking stretch! And my finger tips hurt! But in a week or so my callouses will be back and my wrist will become more accustomed to the stretch and all will be well.
I'm going to sign up for lessons again next week. Right after I apply to University of Maryland. I'm going to take Biology, Inorganic and Organic Chemistry, and Physics this fall and next spring. Why you may ask, since I already have my B.A. in Psychology and the plan to this point has been to continue my graduate studies and obtain my PhD? Well...the plan has changed. I'm taking these courses because they are prerequisites for admission into University of Maryland Medical School and Psychiatry program. I'm going to be a doctor. Scary, isn't it?
When I was younger I wanted to be a psychiatrst, but then I learned you had to go to medical school and wrote that off. I decided that I would settle for the title of psychologist. I hadn't really thought about it in years until Dr. Robinson, the psychiatrist I used to work with at Prestera, began urging me to consider psychiatry as a future career, but I just shrugged it off. I thought, "I'm too old to think about changing careers now." But the seed was planted and it's been hiding there for a bit.
I think the desire sprouted up earlier in the year during conversation with Colin about our career plans and such, and he encouraged me to follow it if it was what I wanted. Again, I dismissed the idea. But it didn't totally fade away. It's been lurking about in my brain and whispering in my ear.
Yesterday I decided to speak with Dr. Randall, the Medical Director at my clinic, regarding my lurking desire to go to medical school. He attended school at UM and he was on their admissions committee, performing interviews and such for a number of years. For the record, Dr. Randall is a smart-ass, smarmy bastard who is entirely approachable and genuinely cares about his clients. He's a wonderful person and physician and I enjoy him more than any other doctor I've worked with. He flashed me a devilish smile and said, "Yeah Chris I've had lesser students come my way. I think you'd do alright." LOL! Ass! Isn't this exciting? "Paging Dr. Garris!" And if Colin plays his cards right, "Paging Dr. Abernethy!"
In spite of my optimism and excitement regarding the future of my career, I'm a little bummed this morning. As everyone knows, my ghetto fabulous ride has been dying a slow death...well...ever since I bought it. She's almost at the end. And I'm tired of pouring money into her ugly gray ass. (It is gray now...no rust anymore!)
Yesterday I found a sweet deal on a 2004 Hyundai Elantra GT Hatchback, Black, all leather interior, CD player, sunroof, groovy sound system, 23,000 miles...and I'm right on the verge of buying it...but I can't get an insurance company to give me a fucking decent deal!
So what if I've had three speeding tickets and two minor fender benders in the past three years? I've just had back fucking luck! I'm not a bad driver nor a speedy driver. It just seems that there's always a damn cop present at the most inopportune of moments.
They'll all regret this when I'm a doctor!!!!!!!!
Oh well. So I guess I'm going to get myself together, pack a bag, and drive the folks home to WV. Everyone have a lovely weekend!
Peace, pot, cancer spot!

Thursday, August 11, 2005
motherfuckingbloodybitchcockgodfuckingwhores!!!!!!! Current mood: cranky
Whew! Talk about catharsis.
So I'm fairly stressed because work was just pretty shitty today. The female lab tech. who usually collects urine and blood samples was out sick and the counselors were asked to help pick up the slack. No problem. Team work makes the world go 'round.
Well, during the 10:30 to 12:30 AM dosing hours, I decided to go ahead an volunteer my time as temporary lab tech. I collected many, many cups of warm pee pee and in the process saw a variety of asses and cha chas in all shapes, colors, and sizes. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the good of the company.
Anyway, we closed for lunch and Tamika and I headed out for food, returned, and I was able to work for a while on the pile of progress notes, treatment plans, and doctor's orders that have accumulated throughout the week.
I was hoping that during the evening hours I would be able to work uninterupted, however my hopes were dashed. The receptionist paged for an available female counselor to proceed to the front desk. I continued working, figuring that the two other counselors still on duty would pick up the slack this evening since I volunteered my morning. The receptionist paged again. A few minutes later, he called and asked me to come. Of course I did. It wasn't Tony's fault that my fucking coworkers were sitting on their fucking asses in their fucking offices ignoring him! Grrrrr!!!!!
Of course, I was unable to complete even a single progress note this evening. So I guess I'm going to call a little impromptu counselor's meeting tomorrow. I didn't want to do it today 'cause I was too pissed. I'm sure I would have been a wee bit harsh and actually called them motherfuckingbloodybitchcockgodfuckingwhores!!!!!!! And I'm a professional. And that just wouldn't do.
Whew! Catharsis. I actually feel somewhat better.
And thanks for trying to cheer me up this evening, baby. I appreciate it. When you come back next week, you can cheer me up with your penis! Or slap me upside the head with it. Whatever.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005
This feels like a beginning... Current mood: peaceful
I've had a heavy weight on my mind and heart since last weekend. Mainly regarding some uncertainty surrounding myself and Colin. But tonight as I write this, I feel at peace.
I just hung up from a two hour phone conversation with my boyfriend and as we talked my emotions ran the full gamut. Tonight I've touched everything from saddnes, fear, hurt, and anxiety to happiness, hope, joy, confidence, and love. (Not necessarily in that order...but pretty much.)
We talked about the progression of our relationship this summer and the trials and obstacles that we've faced with him being away. We discussed the loose ends that we've each had to tie up in order to progress forward. We talked about our love for one another and our respective desire to marry and become a family. And we talked about Peter Gabriel, WWI derived donut names, my adventures with heroin addicts, paintball, Massive Attack, Puddle of Mudd, and Nickleback. (This last bit, of course, was the most important part. Peter Gabriel rocks!)
It has been so fucking hard to be apart this summer. But it's been such a learning and growing experience for the both of us. And I wouldn't choose for any of it to have happened any other way. Where I am is exactly where I need to be.
And as my crazy ass grandmother used to say, "We don't grow from just sunshine alone. We're like a seed. We need lots of dirt, lots of rain, and some shit piled on top too!" (She also called me a "piss ant" and told me I was going to hell on a regular basis. She was a wise old bird, that one!)
It's almost hard to believe that my love is coming home to me in less than two weeks. He's coming home. And it feels very much like a beginning. And I am so very happy.

Sunday, August 07, 2005
Random thoughts after a drunken night... Current mood: tired
So why am I up at 8:00 am piddling around online on a Sunday morning? Especially considering that I had to wake up yesterday morning at 5:30 am yesterday so that I could make it to work by 7? And I didn't go to bed until 1 am or so the night before that? (Isn't this a lot of questions? Should I ask another one for effect?)
Well...let's just say that the lamb carpaccio and the four high alcohol content beers I had last night at Brewer's Art was a bad combination.
I got home around 3ish last night/this morning and laid down. No sooner than my head touched the pillow I found myself very compelled go hang out with the porceline goddess in the bathroom. I spent a few intimate moments on my knees in front of her. I believe my offering was sufficient.
God I hate vomitting.
I suppose it was worth it. I had a nice time with Crescent and Crystal yesterday evening. We spent some time at Brewer's Art and explored the bars in Canton. My friend (acquaintance, really) Chris (the one in Baltimore not Ohio) attempted to meet us out, but he could never catch up with us. As soon as we'd tell him we were at one place, Cres and Crystal would be ready to leave and we were walking or driving to another. Poor Chris! I'll have to apologize.
Highlights: I got my picture taken with a few members of the Baltimore City Fire Department for shits and giggles. I walked barefoot in the grass in the park area there in Canton. I had my picture taken with a gigantic crab art thingie. (Can't wait to see that one! The pinchers were strategically placed.) And I had good conversation with my friends.
Christina's Sunday Forecast: Stormy with patches of Sunshine
I'm going back to bed for a while, then Crystal and I will get up and continue the search for her new apartment. Today we're hitting Ellicot City and the Owings Mills areas.
Rose is brining the folks back to Baltimore with her when she returns this evening. They'll be here all week long which will be somewhat stressful, but also very nice. I love my parents so much. They always turn up when I need them.
I'll be taking them home next weekend, I guess.
Then another week and Shawn and Sean come to visit and go to the Horror Convention! Woo haa! We're such geeks. But I really wouldn't have it any other way.
I haven't been to the beach yet this year. Well, except the day in April we went to Ocean City, but it was freezing. That doesn't count.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Real Current mood: content
All of you who have flung your conrats at me, I thank you. But Colin and I are still just boyfriend and girlfriend.
It was a preliminary sort of thingie. To see what I would say. But the fact remains that he plans on asking and I plan on saying yes. And that makes me so very happy.
I asked him what this made us and he said, "In love."
We watched Big Fish this Saturday. I watched as the main character's wife watched her husband creep closer toward death, and the thought struck me that I would have to face that with Colin one day. I started crying. It was one of those moments that make me realize how very much I do love him. It was one of those moments that make me realize...yes, this is it. This is real.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005
A thousand times yes... Current mood: loved
I feel...so many ways right now.
Tired. From the long day, with the flight back from Columbus, a full days work, plus helping Nick move things out of his apartment.
Sick. 'Cause I'm sick.
Sad. Because I miss Colin already. It's always so hard the first day or so after we've been together for a few days. My moods go from Whoosh to Kerplunk in 10 seconds flat. It's hard to adjust to being without after I've had the luxury of curling up and sleeping every night next to the man I love.
But under all of this surface yuck there is an underlying feeling of joy! A feeling of love! A feeling of wonder!
And here's the reason why, in spite of all the ick, I'm very happy:
After ruining the knife Colin was presented upon entering CIA by using it paired with a glass cutting board to chop up garlic and ginger for the indian curry chicken dish I was attempting, he instructed me to leave the food simmering and he led me from the kitchen to the living room. He led me to the couch and said, "I need to ask you something." He then made sure we were seated so that I was looking straight into those beautiful blue-green eyes and said, "I know I don't have a ring or anything, so I guess it won't be totally official, but...will you marry me?"
I was suprised, but pleasantly so. Filled with wonder and disbelief, my eyes widened as I searched his face and realized that he wasn't joking or teasing me. I smiled and said, "Yes. A thousand times, yes."
So I guess that Colin and I are sort of, kind of, somethinged. Well, he unofficially asked me. There's no ring, but what's that but a physical symbol of a commitment? My dad brought my mother a Kitty Wells record, Waltz of the Angels, on the night he asked her. A physical symbol that my sister destroyed when she was two.
All that matters is that I love this man very much and want nothing more than to be his wife. Until the stars fill my eyes, baby. I promise.
"Until the stars fill my eyes...and we touch the last time. I will love you. Love you." ~ I Will Love You by Fisher


Saturday, July 30, 2005
alls well that ends well.... Current mood: jubilant
This past week has been...interesting. But it seems to be ending well.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday we lost electricity in our apartment complex at about 6:00 PM every evening. The hardworking, hardhat wearing men of Baltimore Gas & Electric would fix it by 1:00 AM or so. Monday I didn't mind it so much...it was almost novel, sitting around talking by candlelight. Tuesday I was annoyed. Wednesday there was much cursing involved and then, hilarity. I kept dancing around the living room singing, "Oh Lord send the power just now!" and making Rose laugh till she nearly peed herself.
I was suprised and relieved when it stayed on all evening on Thursday. I thought I was going to have to go use the internet at Kinko's so that I could book my flight to Columbus.
Friday was hectic, arriving at work at 7:30 AM and working my ass off seeing clients and completing treatment plans all day till 3:00 PM. And I didn't even get to my progress notes!
Rose was supposed to pick me up at 3:00 PM, but of course, was late. My flight was scheduled to leave at 4:25 PM. Due to leaving late, traffic, and one hell of a rain storm, she didn't arrive until 3:45 PM. I got to the airport and checked my bag and the Southwest airline attendant told me I had 20 minutes to get through security and board my flight. I was so pissed I could've spit nails! Directly between Rose's eyeballs. Anyway, I waited in the security line for 10 minutes and moved a whole 10 feet or so. At this point I was a bit frantic, so I approached a security officer and explained my situation. He returned after a minute and opened a new line for those of us who had so little time. So with about 3 minutes to spare, I made it through security and then ran towards my gate. Keep in mind that I had just come from work, so I was running in high heels with my boobs bouncing all over the place! I made it to the flight and found a seat. And as if I wasn't embarrassed and freaked out enough, I had to hit my head on the baggage thingie as I was sitting down.
I always see those people running through the airport...looking all stressed and doing something stupid as they sit down on the plane. I've always felt sorry for them and thought to myself, "I NEVER wanna be that guy." Well...I was that guy. But all's well that ends well.
So I'm here now in Cincy, waiting for Colin to get home from work. I got here last night at about 8:30 PM, made passionate love to the boyfriend, and then had a decent dinner at PF Changs. Then more canoodling and bed. I slept like a fucking baby.
Poor Colin, he SO didn't want to go to work this morning. I got up and kissed him off to work and then slept till 11:00 AM. I cleaned a little...'cause that's what women are supposed to do, right? (There's no eye-rolling smiley so pretend you see one here.) Then I hit the gym for 45 minutes, read more of Band of Brothers, and now I'm wasting time on the internet! Woo hoo! Actually, I was looking up a recipe for Curry Chicken. I'm jonesin' for some Indian style cuisine!
Hmmm...an hour and a half till he gets home. Time enough for a shower and grocery shopping, but the food won't be done as he walks in the door. Oh well. You can't have everything!
Oh one last thing. I am so in love with my boyfriend! Very much in love. And it's such a wonderful feeling! For the first time in a long time I am peaceful and happy. Lately, I find myself feeling pleasantly suprised and thinking, "Wow. Is it really all working out?" And I think it is. And I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it!

Monday, July 25, 2005
But I won't love you!" Current mood: cheerful
My niece, Meg, is an amazing little creature.
When I went to visit my family last weekend, I was chatting with my brother about his new son or daughter that's currently growing in my sister-in-law's tummy. Cheryl (my sis in law) made the comment that it was mine or Rose's turn to have a baby next. Meg instantly wore a look of sadness on her face.
I asked, "What's wrong, baby?" She replied, "Well, I don't like 'dat idea." I laughed and said, "But if we have babies we'll still love you!" "Yeah...but I won't love you! I'll go in my room and cry and cry."
Yesterday I spoke with my brother on the phone and he was telling me of his weekend trip to the in-laws. Meg was there playing with some of her male cousins. They walked out in the road and she said, "You'd better get out of 'dat road! My daddy will make his frowny face and you don't want to see 'dat!"
While playing Barbies with Meg, Rose asked her, "Do you need a Ken doll, baby?" To which Meg replied, "What's a Ken doll baby?"
She makes me laugh every time I'm with her. Her view of the world is so innocent, so charming. She makes me remember that sometimes it's okay to play.
I want one just like her. One day.

Sunday, July 24, 2005
Lazy Daze... Current mood: content
I've had a very lazy, slow-paced, but satisfying weekend thus far.
Yesterday Rose and I cleaned up our little home a bit and then lounged down by the pool for an hour or so. After that we got all sexy and went to play poker at our friend Jim's. Well, no one else had shown up for said poker match and it isn't nearly as exciting with only three people, so we just sat around, talking over beer and pretzels. Then Jim told us about a carnival just down the street from where he lives in Arbutus, and being the total kids that we are, we just HAD to go!
At the moment that we were about to head out the door, our friend Lilly arrived, already somewhat inebriated. This isn't good in general, but was particularly bad in this scenario since Lilly recently received a DWI charge. But hey...*shrug*...maybe prison will be good for her!
As I said, we went to the carnival. There were the typical carnival food booths with caramel covered apples, popcorn, cotton candy, funnel cakes, nachos, smoothies, etc. There were the game booths, flashing lights, cheap stuffed animals that probably cost $2.00 but would take $25.00 to win, grimey looking carnies, and a plethora of freaks and rednecks. It reminded me of carnivals back in WV.
We rode a few rides, including the Zipper (which looks somewhat like a Ferris Wheel with caged cars that flip over and over as the wheel turns), the Gravatron, and something I'll call the Whirly-gig (because I can't remember it's name), which spun us around and around and around.
The rides were exhilarating! I felt like a 12 year-old girl for a few moments and giggled with glee as the wind whipped my hair and the world, decorated with flashing lights and joy-seeking people, spun and twisted by. My feeling of delight was topped off with the added underlying terror that one of the rides might fall apart at any moment. On one level, carnival rides have always been more frightening to me that those found in theme parks, because they are not permanent fixtures and are disassembled and reassembled countless times. And it just takes a little imagination to ponder, "What if Carnie Joe-Jim-Bob forgot to tighten those vital bolts and screws?"
After the rides, we spent some time at the beer garden where one could purchase said amber necter for the reasonable price of only $2.00 per 14 oz. glass. To quote Adam Sandler, "Not too shabby."
After realizing that Lilly was pretty damn drunk and that there was a whole fridge full of alcoholic goodies and a half full bottle of wine waiting back at Jim's, we decided to head out. I had the honor of riding with Jim in his itty-bitty MG. The tippy-top of my head popped up above the windshield and if I stretched and strained, I could see over the windshield. It appears that MGs weren't made to accomodate 6'1" amazons.
We returned to the apartment and engaged in an hour and a half long game of poker, with blinds increasing every 5 minutes. For those of you that don't play, this is a quite fast game. Lilly was the first to go out (big suprise) and it seems that she made poor decisions with purpose so that she could make it to the bars before last call. Rose and I were taken out by Jim and that was that.
Today Rose and I chilled by the pool for a good long bit. I got some sun which is now turning a lovely tan color, my greek heritage glowing through.
This evening I think a movie is in order and some reading. Rose is going to to apply at a few local bookstores as she's needing a part-time job to get her finances under control. This is an EXCELLENT idea, in my opinion.
Who knows? Maybe I'll apply for something part-time too. A server job. A book store clerk. A stripper. The possibilities are endless!


Friday, July 22, 2005
What a world! What a world! Current mood: stressed
My sister melted today, much like the Wicked Witch of the West. I dumped water on her 'cause she smelled bad and that was that.
Well...okay. She had an emotional meltdown. And I'm dealing with it.
Holy Jesus if we don't get her financial mumbo jumbo figured out soon...bad things will happen!!!!
I hate stress. Especially when it's other people's rubbing off on me.
*said in a Robert Tildon type voice*: Oh dear Jesus-ah, I come before ya todaaaay-ah. And ask that my sister be saved-ah, from this den of evil-ah, Lord-ah. From the creditors and the houses of evil-ah that haunt her heart and soul, Jesus-ah. And oh Lord-ah, won't ya buy her-ah a Mercedes Benz-ah?

Wednesday, July 20, 2005
I am only me... Current mood: sad
Have you ever just wanted to kick yourself? I mean, really beat the hell out of yourself like Ed Norton's character did in Fight Club? Well that's how I feel right about now.
I just got off the phone with Colin. He asked me something. I gave him an honest estimation of my feelings in regards to the thing he asked me. I don't particularly like my answer to him or the way I feel. And I knew he wouldn't be too pleased with it either. But what else do I do? Lie? I'm done lying.
I wore a mask with Ben, hiding my true feelings and thoughts for years. YEARS. Feel the gravity of that word. Taste the weight of it on your tongue. YEARS. Not a day. Not two weeks. Not two months. Not six months. Not 12 months. YEARS. We were together five YEARS. And I was lying to myself for many of them. Do you know what that does to a soul? I can't even put it into words. The memory makes me nauseated. All of the hurt we did to each other.

Colin...I will not always be everything you want me to be. I will fail you and disappoint you. I am only me. Every day I try to be better than I was the day before. To build, to learn, to grow and to become a thing more beautiful and alive. But some days I don't succeed. Some days I'm somewhat destroyed and defeated by the things that fate throws my way. (Like today.) But I will forever continue to get up and walk forward. I will always try.
I am only me. But everything I am I give you freely.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Mmmmwwwwhahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Current mood: evil
Yesterday I woke up feeling...not quite right. Something was unsettled. Wrong. Icky!!! And as I showered, and drove to work, and worked, this feeling did not disappear. No, no. Rather, it grew worse and I found myself very much angry by lunch time.
Angry, angry, angry, and with no good reason. Just a feeling. Just a mood. Of complete and utter doom.
At one point I thought about Colin's gun, under my bed and nearly ready to go boom. And then I thought about my sister. And everything made sense. *insert maniacal laughter here*
Rose has been driving me bonkers with all of this financial "my life is a sess-pool of pain" bullshit! (My non-psychologist boyfriend helped me figure this out. Where does the counselor go for counseling?) So yesterday evening I made a plan. For her. Because all she was doing was coming home, stressing me out, and then crawling into bed.
And so the plan is this: BUY A HOUSE AND CONSOLIDATE DEBT, BITACH!
I think it's a good plan.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005
I miss you, cupcake!
*Le sigh*
I put Colin on a flight back to Ohio tonight after spending two days with him helping him pack and move his stuff into storage. I cried on the drive home.
So we've got another month and a half of him in Ohio. Then two weeks in Richmond and then he'll finally come home. We just gotta hang in there.
I miss him so much! Send me all your happy thoughts people! I need them.