I received a nickname today at work.
Patrick, Kevin, and Eric have decided to call me Aeon Flux...and I'm not really sure why. I certainly don't resemble the scantily clad spy and assassin. And I don’t die at the end of every workday so I’m not sure of how they made the connection.
I asked them if they planned on killing me every day and they paused for a moment. It was only a moment, but still…it was a pause. A considering pause. As if they were thinking, could we actually get away with arranging her death and then successfully resuscitating her daily?
Anyway, this led to a lengthy discussion of the Aeon Flux shorts from Liquid Television and now I’ve a desire to watch them all over again. I wonder if there exists somewhere an Aeon Flux DVD?
Other news…..
One of the counseling supervisors, Val, threw away my lunch today. She was cleaning out the fridge first thing this morning and decided to throw out anything that “looked old”. Well my chicken quesadillia from last night was a few hours old, I admit, but not old enough to be thrown away! When I confronted her she wasn’t in the slightest bit apologetic…and this pissed me off.
She just said: “Well people always bring stuff in and leave it and I was just cleaning the fridge out because I couldn’t fit my lunch in the fridge for all the shit other people had in there.”
And so I said: “But I just brought that in this morning…that was my lunch.”
And she continued to try and justify her action and remained defensive. I said “okay” and walked away…and then brought it up in a meeting with another supervisor later. I didn’t name names but just stated that the cleaning of the fridge needed to have policy made about it to avoid future problems such as the one I had experienced that morning. I suggested that it be cleaned out every Friday evening by which ever team was pulling cleanup duties that week.
Apparently gossip spreads through that place like wildfire and Val came to my office apologizing and gave me three bucks to make up for the lost lunch.
Too much drama!!! And the worst thing is that I know, even though she was all smiles at the end of the day, I’ve made an enemy. Drama.
I want somebody who sees the pointlessness and still keeps their purpose in mind;
I want somebody who has a tortured soul...some of the time;
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery;
Or maybe just put it all to words and make me say, "You know, I never heard it put that way".
Make me say, "What did you just say?"
~Ani Difranco "Asking Too Much"
Friday, January 24, 2003
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Jeepers but I was bleak yesterday! And yes Shawn, perhaps I was being a bit melodramatic. :) But...I don't know...maybe not. Nothing and I mean NOTHING could comfort me yesterday. I did, however, finally find peace after a night's sleep and another days hard work at the methadone clinic. :) So all's well that ends well and all that rot.
Better Than Yesterday
So...what exactly broke my gloom today? It certainly wasn't waking up to discover that I was already 23 minutes late for work. :) Yup, I overslept. Fun, fun, fun. But at work today I was actually able to make a difference! Yay! One of my patients had stopped attending the clinic and I called him last Friday to check up on him and to see if he intended to return. During our phone conversation I learned that his grandparents had been paying for his treatment and they could no longer afford to pay for the 2 and 1/2 hours of travel to the clinic daily. He had gradually taken his last few doses of methadone, and had eventually run out. He admitted to me that he had broken down a few days ago and purchased and snorted some Oxycontin because the withdrawal was too intense. I convinced him to return to the clinic and told him I would do everything in my power to help him. The important thing was that he return to treatment.
Well he came back yesterday and I attempted to get my Program Director to grant him exception take home doses considering his financial situation. No luck. I tried a few other things which all met with failure. That was one of the reasons I was so bummed yesterday. I promised someone that I could help them and the system didn't work like it was supposed to. Someone placed hope in me and I was unable to help them. That killed me.
Today I gave it one last shot. I decided to call and plead with the Program Director of a facility closer to his home and ask that he be allowed to transfer to that clinic. I knew that the clinic in question was filled to capacity and was accepting no new patients, however I thought it was worth a try. And it turns out that it was. The P.D. allowed me to send him up to be transfered. The kid will now only have to drive 30 minutes to treatment vs. the 2 and 1/2 hours he was driving to our clinic. The important thing is that he will be in treatment and not out buying and doing shit off the street. :) And that was my little victory today. Yes it's a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. :)
One of my co-workers asked me to be in his band after overhearing me singing in the chart room. The "band", which as of yet only has 4 members (two singers, a drummer, and a pianist/keyboard player) and has yet to play anywhere, is called Midget in a Box. I said yes because the name is so fucking cool. :) And because it would be hilarious to be the gigantic front woman of a band called Midget in a Box! It's just going to be a cover band, but cover bands get paid for playing. And if I'm a member of that cover band I would get paid for doing something I really enjoy doing. Groovy. :) It'll probably never come to be, but it's a fun idea to entertain.
I received an invitation to apply to grad school at Northwestern State University in Louisiana. I don't know jack-shit about this school but I might apply for kicks...although I'm not that nuts about moving that far from the people that I love. The university is located in a town called Natchitoches, Louisiana. It took me 5 tries to pronounce the town name properly (or at least in a way I am assuming is proper). Now how the hell am I supposed to live in a town when I can't even pronounce the town name? People would ask me where I live and I'd have to give them my zip code! :) "Hello! Me? Oh, I live in 71497. And you?"
Better Than Yesterday
So...what exactly broke my gloom today? It certainly wasn't waking up to discover that I was already 23 minutes late for work. :) Yup, I overslept. Fun, fun, fun. But at work today I was actually able to make a difference! Yay! One of my patients had stopped attending the clinic and I called him last Friday to check up on him and to see if he intended to return. During our phone conversation I learned that his grandparents had been paying for his treatment and they could no longer afford to pay for the 2 and 1/2 hours of travel to the clinic daily. He had gradually taken his last few doses of methadone, and had eventually run out. He admitted to me that he had broken down a few days ago and purchased and snorted some Oxycontin because the withdrawal was too intense. I convinced him to return to the clinic and told him I would do everything in my power to help him. The important thing was that he return to treatment.
Well he came back yesterday and I attempted to get my Program Director to grant him exception take home doses considering his financial situation. No luck. I tried a few other things which all met with failure. That was one of the reasons I was so bummed yesterday. I promised someone that I could help them and the system didn't work like it was supposed to. Someone placed hope in me and I was unable to help them. That killed me.
Today I gave it one last shot. I decided to call and plead with the Program Director of a facility closer to his home and ask that he be allowed to transfer to that clinic. I knew that the clinic in question was filled to capacity and was accepting no new patients, however I thought it was worth a try. And it turns out that it was. The P.D. allowed me to send him up to be transfered. The kid will now only have to drive 30 minutes to treatment vs. the 2 and 1/2 hours he was driving to our clinic. The important thing is that he will be in treatment and not out buying and doing shit off the street. :) And that was my little victory today. Yes it's a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. :)
One of my co-workers asked me to be in his band after overhearing me singing in the chart room. The "band", which as of yet only has 4 members (two singers, a drummer, and a pianist/keyboard player) and has yet to play anywhere, is called Midget in a Box. I said yes because the name is so fucking cool. :) And because it would be hilarious to be the gigantic front woman of a band called Midget in a Box! It's just going to be a cover band, but cover bands get paid for playing. And if I'm a member of that cover band I would get paid for doing something I really enjoy doing. Groovy. :) It'll probably never come to be, but it's a fun idea to entertain.
I received an invitation to apply to grad school at Northwestern State University in Louisiana. I don't know jack-shit about this school but I might apply for kicks...although I'm not that nuts about moving that far from the people that I love. The university is located in a town called Natchitoches, Louisiana. It took me 5 tries to pronounce the town name properly (or at least in a way I am assuming is proper). Now how the hell am I supposed to live in a town when I can't even pronounce the town name? People would ask me where I live and I'd have to give them my zip code! :) "Hello! Me? Oh, I live in 71497. And you?"
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
I'm going to keep this short...because I'm too exhausted to write much...but I feel the need to write something.
Today was a stressful day. I'm still stressed and it's 9:25PM and I'm dreading my return to work tomorrow.
Right now I just want someone to hold me and tell me that it's going to be okay...and I want to believe them.
When I was a child my mother would comfort me in this way. But it doesn't seem to work anymore. Because I don't have enough faith in anybody or anything right now to believe it.
Today was a stressful day. I'm still stressed and it's 9:25PM and I'm dreading my return to work tomorrow.
Right now I just want someone to hold me and tell me that it's going to be okay...and I want to believe them.
When I was a child my mother would comfort me in this way. But it doesn't seem to work anymore. Because I don't have enough faith in anybody or anything right now to believe it.
Thursday, January 16, 2003
Little did I know, when I last blogged, how strongly Disease had sunk her claws into me. Little did I know that I would end up leaving many offerings for the Porcelaine Goddess before the next day was through.
I was sick all Tuesday morning and Ben got worried and made me go to the doctor. I tried to tell him that it was a waste of money as I was sure that I just had two nasty viruses that hit me at once. He would not concede. So anyway I waited two hours at Health Plus for a doctor to tell me that I had two viruses stacked on top of each other. How terribly insightful! He gave me a shot in my hip for the nausea and sent me on my way...after charging me $117.
Yesterday I tried to get up to go to work but the world starting spinning half-way through my shower. I decided it was probably best to rest and get a little more hydrated before galavanting off again. After all, I didn't need another disease stacked on top of the overwhelming two that I already had accumulated.
Today I actually managed to make it back to work. (I even worked two hours over because I'm just that psycho and pathetic!) And upon my return I was confronted with one of the saddest, most shocking, and thought provoking scenarios that I've encountered in quite some time. But in order for the story to have full effect I suppose I should start from the beginning.
One of my patients, whom we'll call Alice, came to see me for the first time a few weeks ago. She was very upset because she had been downphased or had lost all of her take home doses. Take home doses are a privilege patients earn over time at the clinic by displaying good behavior, good attendance, and by providing clean urine drug screens. Alice had earned 6 take home doses and only had to attend the clinic once per week. Well, that is until she returned to the clinic one week with some pertinent information scratched off of the labels of her bottles. This is considered tampering and is a big no-no with methadone and can be indicative of diversion/selling of medication. She had had a previous offense of loss of one of her bottles and so she was deemed unworthy of the clinic's trust and all of her take home privileges were removed.
So Alice threw a temper tantrum in my office and demanded that I give her take home doses back and all I could do was explain to her why they were removed and tell her to live with it. She stated that she didn't know how she would manage to hold her job with this inconvenience, that he life was ruined etc. Anyway a few days before the New Year, she came to me and apologized for acting as she did and then she told me that she'd had a premonition. Now this is where it gets weird. She said that she had a feeling that she was going to be involved in a car accident and she wanted to make sure that her parents could gain access to her records if she were killed or severely injured. I told her that she could sign a release of information allowing her parents access to her records and she was pleased and told me that she would do it on the following day.
Well she didn't come back to see me that week and I assumed she had forgotten. But after returning back to work on January 6th, I learned that she had been involved in an auto accident on January 3rd. Creepy, eh? She was hospitalized for 12 days and she returned to the clinic today. The program director paged me to his office half-way through the morning and I thought, "Oh god, what now! Did I screw up or something? Am I in trouble?" I walked up to his office and there in his office was Alice, and she looked great except that she now only had one arm. I tried not to look but my eyes were drawn to the new stump. I said, "Oh, Alice! I'd heard you were in an accident! I'm glad to see you back." I was thinking, "Oh my god, you've lost your arm! How can you be so brave and smiling?"
And she was brave and smiling. She greeted me with a gentle smile and a peace that I really couldn't understand. How could she not be angry and crying and in the torture that I imagine I would be in if I were in her situation? As I talked with her she told me of how she had been riding home from the clinic with a friend when the car hydroplaned and flipped three times. Her arm was nearly cut off and she would have bled to death if it had not been for her friend ripping off his t-shirt and doing his best to stop the flow of blood. She survived and they tried to save her arm, but eventually gangrene set in and that was that. She told me that even though it seemed she had lost so much she had gained so much more because she had given her life to God. She said that she had been happier over the past two weeks (in spite of the loss of an appendage) than she had in her entire life. And she was so at peace and so accepting and so happy! It blew my mind! She said that she figured she had strayed so far from God that he needed something really drastic to get her attention. With her drug use she had thought that she was as low as she could go, but apparently she was not. She grew even happier when I informed her that she'll be able to transfer to a clinic closer to her home more quickly because of the fact that she was downphased (lost her take home doses) last month. Her reply was, "The Lord works in mysterious ways."
The whole situation is so strange to me. Now I've been around religious people my entire life. My mother and grandmother used to blame all the misfortunes they encountered on Satan trying to hinder them and they attributed all fortunate things to God and his protection. When trying to make sense of Alice's happiness and peace, my first thought was along the lines that she's clutching on to her faith in God to help her handle this situation...to keep her from going insane. She needs to believe right now that things happen for a reason, so she can go on and not be a bitter person due to losing her arm. One might look at the situation and note that she might have never lost her arm if it weren't for the loss of her take home doses, because she probably wouldn't have been traveling that particular stretch of road at that time on that day if it weren't for that. In the end we could determine that she just had a really shitty string of luck. But I find myself not wanting to believe that...because it's such a lonely and cruel way for things to be. My mother would probably say, "How do you know that she wouldn't have been involved in an accident with the same result if she traveled any road that day? Perhaps it was just meant to be?" Perhaps. But we can never know for certain. And that's where that thing called faith comes in. That thing that I don't have much of anymore.
I was commenting to Shawn when he was in this past weekend that I feel something missing inside of me. And that missing piece is belief. I don't know what I believe anymore. Maturity and my college education taught me to question everything and so I pulled every belief I held apart. Eventually I was left with believing in only things that I could see or that were verifiable...but those things tend to lend no comfort and no peace. And I find myself wanting comfort and peace.
I was sick all Tuesday morning and Ben got worried and made me go to the doctor. I tried to tell him that it was a waste of money as I was sure that I just had two nasty viruses that hit me at once. He would not concede. So anyway I waited two hours at Health Plus for a doctor to tell me that I had two viruses stacked on top of each other. How terribly insightful! He gave me a shot in my hip for the nausea and sent me on my way...after charging me $117.
Yesterday I tried to get up to go to work but the world starting spinning half-way through my shower. I decided it was probably best to rest and get a little more hydrated before galavanting off again. After all, I didn't need another disease stacked on top of the overwhelming two that I already had accumulated.
Today I actually managed to make it back to work. (I even worked two hours over because I'm just that psycho and pathetic!) And upon my return I was confronted with one of the saddest, most shocking, and thought provoking scenarios that I've encountered in quite some time. But in order for the story to have full effect I suppose I should start from the beginning.
One of my patients, whom we'll call Alice, came to see me for the first time a few weeks ago. She was very upset because she had been downphased or had lost all of her take home doses. Take home doses are a privilege patients earn over time at the clinic by displaying good behavior, good attendance, and by providing clean urine drug screens. Alice had earned 6 take home doses and only had to attend the clinic once per week. Well, that is until she returned to the clinic one week with some pertinent information scratched off of the labels of her bottles. This is considered tampering and is a big no-no with methadone and can be indicative of diversion/selling of medication. She had had a previous offense of loss of one of her bottles and so she was deemed unworthy of the clinic's trust and all of her take home privileges were removed.
So Alice threw a temper tantrum in my office and demanded that I give her take home doses back and all I could do was explain to her why they were removed and tell her to live with it. She stated that she didn't know how she would manage to hold her job with this inconvenience, that he life was ruined etc. Anyway a few days before the New Year, she came to me and apologized for acting as she did and then she told me that she'd had a premonition. Now this is where it gets weird. She said that she had a feeling that she was going to be involved in a car accident and she wanted to make sure that her parents could gain access to her records if she were killed or severely injured. I told her that she could sign a release of information allowing her parents access to her records and she was pleased and told me that she would do it on the following day.
Well she didn't come back to see me that week and I assumed she had forgotten. But after returning back to work on January 6th, I learned that she had been involved in an auto accident on January 3rd. Creepy, eh? She was hospitalized for 12 days and she returned to the clinic today. The program director paged me to his office half-way through the morning and I thought, "Oh god, what now! Did I screw up or something? Am I in trouble?" I walked up to his office and there in his office was Alice, and she looked great except that she now only had one arm. I tried not to look but my eyes were drawn to the new stump. I said, "Oh, Alice! I'd heard you were in an accident! I'm glad to see you back." I was thinking, "Oh my god, you've lost your arm! How can you be so brave and smiling?"
And she was brave and smiling. She greeted me with a gentle smile and a peace that I really couldn't understand. How could she not be angry and crying and in the torture that I imagine I would be in if I were in her situation? As I talked with her she told me of how she had been riding home from the clinic with a friend when the car hydroplaned and flipped three times. Her arm was nearly cut off and she would have bled to death if it had not been for her friend ripping off his t-shirt and doing his best to stop the flow of blood. She survived and they tried to save her arm, but eventually gangrene set in and that was that. She told me that even though it seemed she had lost so much she had gained so much more because she had given her life to God. She said that she had been happier over the past two weeks (in spite of the loss of an appendage) than she had in her entire life. And she was so at peace and so accepting and so happy! It blew my mind! She said that she figured she had strayed so far from God that he needed something really drastic to get her attention. With her drug use she had thought that she was as low as she could go, but apparently she was not. She grew even happier when I informed her that she'll be able to transfer to a clinic closer to her home more quickly because of the fact that she was downphased (lost her take home doses) last month. Her reply was, "The Lord works in mysterious ways."
The whole situation is so strange to me. Now I've been around religious people my entire life. My mother and grandmother used to blame all the misfortunes they encountered on Satan trying to hinder them and they attributed all fortunate things to God and his protection. When trying to make sense of Alice's happiness and peace, my first thought was along the lines that she's clutching on to her faith in God to help her handle this situation...to keep her from going insane. She needs to believe right now that things happen for a reason, so she can go on and not be a bitter person due to losing her arm. One might look at the situation and note that she might have never lost her arm if it weren't for the loss of her take home doses, because she probably wouldn't have been traveling that particular stretch of road at that time on that day if it weren't for that. In the end we could determine that she just had a really shitty string of luck. But I find myself not wanting to believe that...because it's such a lonely and cruel way for things to be. My mother would probably say, "How do you know that she wouldn't have been involved in an accident with the same result if she traveled any road that day? Perhaps it was just meant to be?" Perhaps. But we can never know for certain. And that's where that thing called faith comes in. That thing that I don't have much of anymore.
I was commenting to Shawn when he was in this past weekend that I feel something missing inside of me. And that missing piece is belief. I don't know what I believe anymore. Maturity and my college education taught me to question everything and so I pulled every belief I held apart. Eventually I was left with believing in only things that I could see or that were verifiable...but those things tend to lend no comfort and no peace. And I find myself wanting comfort and peace.
Monday, January 13, 2003
Yes, my friends. Disease still runs rampant through this vessel like so many evil flem gremlins at play. She fills my lungs with mucus and wracks my body with coughing and pain.
Ever since I got back from Lexington I’ve had the nastiest cough known to mankind. I kid you not, I actually had a 45-minute coughing session at work during which the entire staff got concerned and the program director came to my side and was rubbing my back. Talk about embarrassing.
So now the cold that was beneficial in covering my ass and convincing my employers and co-workers that I truly was ill last Monday and Tuesday when I decided to skip work to be with my friends, has become a pain in the neck. Literally.
Ben keeps telling me that he thinks it’s something more serious than a cold and keeps tossing up tuberculosis as the possible diagnosis. I’m not coughing up blood yet, but there’s always tomorrow. :)
So I’m sitting here at my keyboard in my nightshirt and big, fluffy man’s robe with my heater blazing at my feet just letting the tiredness wash over me. Unwinding. My {Dsmbr by Linkin Park is playing softly on Windows Media Player and I can feel my eyes growing heavier.
This is my December, These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending, this is all I need
And right now I’m not gonna think about all the bills I need to pay tomorrow. And right now I’m not gonna think about all the debts that are owed to me and the debts that I owe. And I’m not gonna worry about the future. I’m just going to be here as I am and love this moment of tired, peaceful solitude.
Ever since I got back from Lexington I’ve had the nastiest cough known to mankind. I kid you not, I actually had a 45-minute coughing session at work during which the entire staff got concerned and the program director came to my side and was rubbing my back. Talk about embarrassing.
So now the cold that was beneficial in covering my ass and convincing my employers and co-workers that I truly was ill last Monday and Tuesday when I decided to skip work to be with my friends, has become a pain in the neck. Literally.
Ben keeps telling me that he thinks it’s something more serious than a cold and keeps tossing up tuberculosis as the possible diagnosis. I’m not coughing up blood yet, but there’s always tomorrow. :)
So I’m sitting here at my keyboard in my nightshirt and big, fluffy man’s robe with my heater blazing at my feet just letting the tiredness wash over me. Unwinding. My {Dsmbr by Linkin Park is playing softly on Windows Media Player and I can feel my eyes growing heavier.
This is my December, These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending, this is all I need
And right now I’m not gonna think about all the bills I need to pay tomorrow. And right now I’m not gonna think about all the debts that are owed to me and the debts that I owe. And I’m not gonna worry about the future. I’m just going to be here as I am and love this moment of tired, peaceful solitude.
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
And so comes the New Year.
Here I am surrounded by my friends and feeling fairly content. And fairly dehydrated. :) To celebrate the New Year, I consumed a wee bit too much alcohol last night. :) There are huge blank spots in my memory and frankly, I'm glad. My behavior during those moments was reportedly atrocious. I was told that I insulted my boyfriend's sexual prowess, yelled at people, and was generally a bitch. I'm so embarrassed! I've never blacked out like that before. I've done stupid things in the past when I've been drunk, but I've always fucking remembered it! But this? This is scary shit.
So I spent the entire morning learning of all of the nasty things I'd said and done throughout the course of the night and repeatedly apologizing for them. I feel so horrible! Another reason why I don't really drink all that often anymore. I don't like losing control over my actions. I don't like waking up with drunken unknown injuries, also known as DUIs. :) In the future I'm going to reach that nice buzz level and stay there. No more of this crazy drink all you can shit.
Of course, the drinking games that we played were a factor in that. High - Low and Fuck the Dealer got me fucked up real quick like. Never again. Or at least not for a very long time. :)
But it wasn't all bitchiness and badness. There was a lot of hilarity and actually a very nice emotional bonding session in the morning. Poor sappy drunks coming down off of their highs discussing the celebration of Christmas, religion, family, logic, death, and the necessity of belief in something. It was an enlightening conversation. And I was reminded of something very important this morning. I need to respect the requests of others...I need to not be so selfish as to force my desires upon others. Everyone has the right to chose their own path and the purest act of love and caring is to not hinder a person in his or her chosen path. I will not forget this again.
As for New Years resolutions...a couple of my friends refuse to make them. Perhaps theirs is the right way of thinking. How often have I accomplished a New Year's resolution? I can't even recall. They're simply promises...promises that you make to yourself. Do I really need another broken promise in my life? No. But I'm still making a resolution. I'm just going to keep this promise this time. Well...promises actually. Resolution # 1: I'm going to lose all of the Taco Bell and McDonald's and Pizza Hut that's hanging on around my waist and thighs. Resolution # 2: I'm going to learn to play the guitar simply because I want to. Resolution # 3: I'm going to find myself again and make peace with who I am. Resolution # 4: I'm going to pick my path...and not simply stumble along blindly as I have been doing for the past several years.
So now there's a written record of my resolutions. If I fail there are some that will know and will perhaps hold me accountable. And these things may not be attainable within one years time...but I will try.
Here's to friends, family, and the future. My wish is for a new year full of stimulation, growth, positive change, as much happiness as possible, and as much pain as necessary to teach us all what it is that we need to learn. And so it begins...
Here I am surrounded by my friends and feeling fairly content. And fairly dehydrated. :) To celebrate the New Year, I consumed a wee bit too much alcohol last night. :) There are huge blank spots in my memory and frankly, I'm glad. My behavior during those moments was reportedly atrocious. I was told that I insulted my boyfriend's sexual prowess, yelled at people, and was generally a bitch. I'm so embarrassed! I've never blacked out like that before. I've done stupid things in the past when I've been drunk, but I've always fucking remembered it! But this? This is scary shit.
So I spent the entire morning learning of all of the nasty things I'd said and done throughout the course of the night and repeatedly apologizing for them. I feel so horrible! Another reason why I don't really drink all that often anymore. I don't like losing control over my actions. I don't like waking up with drunken unknown injuries, also known as DUIs. :) In the future I'm going to reach that nice buzz level and stay there. No more of this crazy drink all you can shit.
Of course, the drinking games that we played were a factor in that. High - Low and Fuck the Dealer got me fucked up real quick like. Never again. Or at least not for a very long time. :)
But it wasn't all bitchiness and badness. There was a lot of hilarity and actually a very nice emotional bonding session in the morning. Poor sappy drunks coming down off of their highs discussing the celebration of Christmas, religion, family, logic, death, and the necessity of belief in something. It was an enlightening conversation. And I was reminded of something very important this morning. I need to respect the requests of others...I need to not be so selfish as to force my desires upon others. Everyone has the right to chose their own path and the purest act of love and caring is to not hinder a person in his or her chosen path. I will not forget this again.
As for New Years resolutions...a couple of my friends refuse to make them. Perhaps theirs is the right way of thinking. How often have I accomplished a New Year's resolution? I can't even recall. They're simply promises...promises that you make to yourself. Do I really need another broken promise in my life? No. But I'm still making a resolution. I'm just going to keep this promise this time. Well...promises actually. Resolution # 1: I'm going to lose all of the Taco Bell and McDonald's and Pizza Hut that's hanging on around my waist and thighs. Resolution # 2: I'm going to learn to play the guitar simply because I want to. Resolution # 3: I'm going to find myself again and make peace with who I am. Resolution # 4: I'm going to pick my path...and not simply stumble along blindly as I have been doing for the past several years.
So now there's a written record of my resolutions. If I fail there are some that will know and will perhaps hold me accountable. And these things may not be attainable within one years time...but I will try.
Here's to friends, family, and the future. My wish is for a new year full of stimulation, growth, positive change, as much happiness as possible, and as much pain as necessary to teach us all what it is that we need to learn. And so it begins...
Sunday, December 29, 2002
As far as I know I'm not pregnant. I really don't know how I would handle that right now. There's so much emotional instability within me...I'm simply not committed enough to become a mother at this time.
My friends are in for New Years. We played games all evening and exchanged gifts. It's nice to see Chris, Shawn, Ken, and Leslie again. I only wish that Pat could have made it. :( Perhaps we will see him sometime this summer? I hope so. :)
Thoughts right now....I'm not really feeling up to entering grad school this semester. I'm still emotionally drained from all of the shit Ben and I have been through. I wonder how long it takes for such an exhaustion to heal? Hopefully not long. I suppose my loans will have to be in forebearance until I'm able to start paying something on them or until I go back to school. Ben's not having a job right now makes my financial situation very stressful and very ify. (If that's even a word.) But that's probably not something I should post on here because he'll get pissed at me. I'll probably get a talking to about posting as much as I have.
I just need him to be my equal in all matters. Nothing more, nothing less. But I feel that I've been getting less for a long time and I'm tired of picking up the slack. I'm so fucking tired. He hates it when I use the word fuck.
I suppose it's just the alcohol talking....4 beer type beverages and two glasses of wine later.... :) Or maybe I really am hurting and I want him to understand.
My friends are in for New Years. We played games all evening and exchanged gifts. It's nice to see Chris, Shawn, Ken, and Leslie again. I only wish that Pat could have made it. :( Perhaps we will see him sometime this summer? I hope so. :)
Thoughts right now....I'm not really feeling up to entering grad school this semester. I'm still emotionally drained from all of the shit Ben and I have been through. I wonder how long it takes for such an exhaustion to heal? Hopefully not long. I suppose my loans will have to be in forebearance until I'm able to start paying something on them or until I go back to school. Ben's not having a job right now makes my financial situation very stressful and very ify. (If that's even a word.) But that's probably not something I should post on here because he'll get pissed at me. I'll probably get a talking to about posting as much as I have.
I just need him to be my equal in all matters. Nothing more, nothing less. But I feel that I've been getting less for a long time and I'm tired of picking up the slack. I'm so fucking tired. He hates it when I use the word fuck.
I suppose it's just the alcohol talking....4 beer type beverages and two glasses of wine later.... :) Or maybe I really am hurting and I want him to understand.
Thursday, December 26, 2002
There's nothing quite like waking up in the morning and praying to the porcelin goddess. Yes friends, as faithful and devoted as I am, I was down on my knees at 3:30 this morning paying homage to the goddess. I left her an offering. :)
You know, it's not really the act of vomiting that is so horrible really. It's the anticipation of it that's so maddening! The sickness, the hot flashes and chills, the unwillingness to have your stomach's contents come rushing back out...that's the bad part.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me! I'm still nauseous!
The girls at work kept teasing me about the possibility of pregnancy. This thought terrifies me. Ben and I are not in the position at this time to be parents. One of the girls that I work with, Kristina, and her husband have been trying to have a child for the past 5 years and have continuously met with failure. She got excited at the thought that I might be pregnant and then asked if she could have it if I was. :)
As silly as her suggestion was, it started me thinking. I know I'm not ready to be a mother at this point in time. I could not provide a stable and secure home environment and I do not want to bring a child into my world...yet. But if I did become preganant at this time adoption would be something that I would consider. There are thousands of good people out there who just want a child to love and who have been unlucky enough to be unable to conceive.
I realized from Kristina's response to my situation that her life would be complete if she were able to adopt or give birth to a child. But how hard would it be to give up the child once it is born and you've seen the little life that you've created?
Well...I'm going to bed. Hopefully this is just some funky virus or something.
You know, it's not really the act of vomiting that is so horrible really. It's the anticipation of it that's so maddening! The sickness, the hot flashes and chills, the unwillingness to have your stomach's contents come rushing back out...that's the bad part.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me! I'm still nauseous!
The girls at work kept teasing me about the possibility of pregnancy. This thought terrifies me. Ben and I are not in the position at this time to be parents. One of the girls that I work with, Kristina, and her husband have been trying to have a child for the past 5 years and have continuously met with failure. She got excited at the thought that I might be pregnant and then asked if she could have it if I was. :)
As silly as her suggestion was, it started me thinking. I know I'm not ready to be a mother at this point in time. I could not provide a stable and secure home environment and I do not want to bring a child into my world...yet. But if I did become preganant at this time adoption would be something that I would consider. There are thousands of good people out there who just want a child to love and who have been unlucky enough to be unable to conceive.
I realized from Kristina's response to my situation that her life would be complete if she were able to adopt or give birth to a child. But how hard would it be to give up the child once it is born and you've seen the little life that you've created?
Well...I'm going to bed. Hopefully this is just some funky virus or something.
Monday, December 23, 2002
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Well, friends, it's that time of year again. Yup, that time. Christmas time. When people (supposedly) put aside ther differences and wish for peace on earth. I really wonder if they all realize what they're wishing for. Because it's obvious to me that peace will only occur on this planet when all life has been destroyed. Happy Frickin' Christmas! :)
Eeek, but isn't that depressing? Let's see if I can turn my frown upside down. Or at least sideways.
I am excited that my friends will all be converging here just after Christmas! Ben and I have been cleaning and reorganizing rooms in anticipation of our guests arrival. Today I'm washing up all the blankets and such. Is it a little crazy to wash ALL of the blankets? Maybe. But there are some that have been sitting in the hall closet for a year...and they collected a wee bit of dust. You can't give company dusty blankets!!! Now I will give them blankets that smell like Rain Clean Tide. :)
More later. I must cook meat to feed the sentient creature that my stomach is becoming from swallowing too much sperm. It's actually started growling at me! How cute! :) Is mommy's little freak of nature hungry?
Eeek, but isn't that depressing? Let's see if I can turn my frown upside down. Or at least sideways.
I am excited that my friends will all be converging here just after Christmas! Ben and I have been cleaning and reorganizing rooms in anticipation of our guests arrival. Today I'm washing up all the blankets and such. Is it a little crazy to wash ALL of the blankets? Maybe. But there are some that have been sitting in the hall closet for a year...and they collected a wee bit of dust. You can't give company dusty blankets!!! Now I will give them blankets that smell like Rain Clean Tide. :)
More later. I must cook meat to feed the sentient creature that my stomach is becoming from swallowing too much sperm. It's actually started growling at me! How cute! :) Is mommy's little freak of nature hungry?
Monday, December 16, 2002
I was reading an old post on True Porn Clerk stories in which the author mentions how some porno films are parodies of mainstream films. David Cop-a-Feel is an example of one of these fine skin flicks. :)
Anyway, I started thinking that porn makers really should start making pornographic movie parodies of computer and video games. Think about it: a large percentage of people who play video and computer games tend to be physically unattractive people and, therefore, people who are most likely not having sex on a regular basis. Those people who are not having sex regularly tend to be fans of pornography. If the porn indstry cashes in on this market they could pull in millions more than they already do now!
What avid EverQuest player would pass up the opportunity to watch a porn called EverQuim in which a high elven princess is saved from an orc and then wildly fucked? What fan of Dark Age of Camelot would pass up the chance to watch Dark Age of Cumalot?
Well...it was just a thought. :)
Sunday, December 15, 2002
It's been a crazy weekend.
I worked yesterday, drove down to Huntington with Ben to pay his tuition, and then drove my mother back to Beckley. It was 9 PM when we arrived at my parent's home and I was thouroughly exhausted. I was asleep last night before my head ever hit the pillow, I think.
I woke this morning to the sound of my mother vomiting in the bathroom. I jumped out of bed, startled awake, and ran to her aid. The poor thing had finally caught the stomach virus that little Megan had. Wayne and Cheryl have already had it. And now Mom. So only Dad and I are left to be knocked on our asses. We'll see.
I'll let you all know if I'm up in the middle of the night puking my guts out. I'll even inform you of the consistency and color. :) You'd like that, wouldn't you? :) (sick bastards)
And my brother took Megan back to the hospital this morning. He said that her stomach swelled to the point of actually forming stretch marks on the little belly. :( The doctors found that she had a pocket of gas blocking her intestines. They gave her enimas and that seems to have taken care of things. I stopped by my brother's home to check on her this evening and he excitedly informed me that she shit on her own. :) Yay! Isn't it amazing how you can get excited about even the littlest thing when it comes to the health of one you love? :) But she should be fine now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
When Munchkin was in the hospital the first time, her little lips got so terribly cracked and dry. Aunt Chris noticed and decided to put some lip gloss on them. The lip gloss was, of course, Bonne Bell flavored lip gloss. Anyway, now she has a taste for it. She ended up eating a little bit of the tube that I left with her and her parents. Now whenever she sees me she grabs my hand and starts pointing at her lips, wanting me to giver her more lip gloss. :) What a beautiful little creature she is.
A sad note to my weekend: I learned that my second cousin, Rex Farmer, Jr., was killed in a car wreck the night before last. I went to high school with him. He was a quiet boy, but very witty and intelligent when he actually opened his mouth. I didn't know him very well being my second cousin and all...and our families didn't associate all that much. But his death still saddens me. He was only 22 and he had gotten married only a month before. So young and his life still full of possibility. It's just a reminded that any of us could go at any moment. Life is too short and too precious for us to waste. Life is too short and too precious for us to leave things unsaid.
I love all of you very much. If I die tomorrow, at least you will all know how I feel about you. :)
And if I find you, will you still remember playing at trains,
Or does this little blue ball just fade away?
Over Silbury hill and through the solar field.
You know that I will follow you.
I'm aware what the rules are, but you know that I will run.
You know that I will follow you.
~ Tori Amos from 1000 Oceans on the To Venus and Back CD
I worked yesterday, drove down to Huntington with Ben to pay his tuition, and then drove my mother back to Beckley. It was 9 PM when we arrived at my parent's home and I was thouroughly exhausted. I was asleep last night before my head ever hit the pillow, I think.
I woke this morning to the sound of my mother vomiting in the bathroom. I jumped out of bed, startled awake, and ran to her aid. The poor thing had finally caught the stomach virus that little Megan had. Wayne and Cheryl have already had it. And now Mom. So only Dad and I are left to be knocked on our asses. We'll see.
I'll let you all know if I'm up in the middle of the night puking my guts out. I'll even inform you of the consistency and color. :) You'd like that, wouldn't you? :) (sick bastards)
And my brother took Megan back to the hospital this morning. He said that her stomach swelled to the point of actually forming stretch marks on the little belly. :( The doctors found that she had a pocket of gas blocking her intestines. They gave her enimas and that seems to have taken care of things. I stopped by my brother's home to check on her this evening and he excitedly informed me that she shit on her own. :) Yay! Isn't it amazing how you can get excited about even the littlest thing when it comes to the health of one you love? :) But she should be fine now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
When Munchkin was in the hospital the first time, her little lips got so terribly cracked and dry. Aunt Chris noticed and decided to put some lip gloss on them. The lip gloss was, of course, Bonne Bell flavored lip gloss. Anyway, now she has a taste for it. She ended up eating a little bit of the tube that I left with her and her parents. Now whenever she sees me she grabs my hand and starts pointing at her lips, wanting me to giver her more lip gloss. :) What a beautiful little creature she is.
A sad note to my weekend: I learned that my second cousin, Rex Farmer, Jr., was killed in a car wreck the night before last. I went to high school with him. He was a quiet boy, but very witty and intelligent when he actually opened his mouth. I didn't know him very well being my second cousin and all...and our families didn't associate all that much. But his death still saddens me. He was only 22 and he had gotten married only a month before. So young and his life still full of possibility. It's just a reminded that any of us could go at any moment. Life is too short and too precious for us to waste. Life is too short and too precious for us to leave things unsaid.
I love all of you very much. If I die tomorrow, at least you will all know how I feel about you. :)
And if I find you, will you still remember playing at trains,
Or does this little blue ball just fade away?
Over Silbury hill and through the solar field.
You know that I will follow you.
I'm aware what the rules are, but you know that I will run.
You know that I will follow you.
~ Tori Amos from 1000 Oceans on the To Venus and Back CD
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Apparently my niece is doing much better. According to my father, she was running around naked last night after her bath, as she likes to do, and she discovered how to moon people. So she ran around to everyone showing them her tiny bottom and giggling madly.
Yes, friends, here is proof that she is of my bloodline. :)
Yes, friends, here is proof that she is of my bloodline. :)
I’m missing you
And what it was
A deadly force mowing us over
We never even had time to close our eyes
Bats flying now
With their high cries
A streaming out of their darkness
Hunting for something alive on which to feed
I wait for you
And what is not
Rooms that need to crumble into dust
Feeding the earth one more time with mournful lies
Rain falling now
With her soft sighs
A flooding out of the heavens
Drowning on every word or caress or seed
I’m losing you
And what can be
A shade once already devoured
Fading yet harming all that can see inside
Breath failing now
With only a sigh
A burning out of life’s passion
Decaying as I sit here waiting for peace
And what it was
A deadly force mowing us over
We never even had time to close our eyes
Bats flying now
With their high cries
A streaming out of their darkness
Hunting for something alive on which to feed
I wait for you
And what is not
Rooms that need to crumble into dust
Feeding the earth one more time with mournful lies
Rain falling now
With her soft sighs
A flooding out of the heavens
Drowning on every word or caress or seed
I’m losing you
And what can be
A shade once already devoured
Fading yet harming all that can see inside
Breath failing now
With only a sigh
A burning out of life’s passion
Decaying as I sit here waiting for peace
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
My niece is in the hospital. :(
She had a stomach flu last week and spent a couple of days vomiting and dry heaving. She recovered from that, but still wasn't quite herself. She simply didn't want to drink anything at all and she became dehydrated. And now she has some sort of intestinal blockage...
I went up to the hospital to visit with her and Wayne and Cheryl this evening. Poor little Megan has an IV in her little right arm. The nurses had to wrap it up with gauze and a styrafoam board to keep her from ripping it out.
They had to catheterize her last night...Wayne had to hold her down. :( The ER staff also took blood via finger prick. Sounds less nasty than using a needle, right? Not for a 15 month old baby. The pricked her finger and keep squeezing blood out until they had two full tubes. She kept squirming and screaming so her blood got everywhere.
But she was doing much better this evening. Actually, playing a bit. I even got her to giggle at me a couple of times. :)
As I was driving home, I my mind kept wandering to the possibility that she could become very ill and die. I...I want her to know the beauty of life. I want her to be okay. And I don't want to lose this special little life that the Creator brought into mine.
But she'll be fine...she's got quite a forceful personality, that one...but I would really appreciate it if anyone who cares would send out a prayer or a wish of health for my little girl. Thank you!:)
~ a worried aunt
She had a stomach flu last week and spent a couple of days vomiting and dry heaving. She recovered from that, but still wasn't quite herself. She simply didn't want to drink anything at all and she became dehydrated. And now she has some sort of intestinal blockage...
I went up to the hospital to visit with her and Wayne and Cheryl this evening. Poor little Megan has an IV in her little right arm. The nurses had to wrap it up with gauze and a styrafoam board to keep her from ripping it out.
They had to catheterize her last night...Wayne had to hold her down. :( The ER staff also took blood via finger prick. Sounds less nasty than using a needle, right? Not for a 15 month old baby. The pricked her finger and keep squeezing blood out until they had two full tubes. She kept squirming and screaming so her blood got everywhere.
But she was doing much better this evening. Actually, playing a bit. I even got her to giggle at me a couple of times. :)
As I was driving home, I my mind kept wandering to the possibility that she could become very ill and die. I...I want her to know the beauty of life. I want her to be okay. And I don't want to lose this special little life that the Creator brought into mine.
But she'll be fine...she's got quite a forceful personality, that one...but I would really appreciate it if anyone who cares would send out a prayer or a wish of health for my little girl. Thank you!:)
~ a worried aunt
Saturday, December 07, 2002
I'm grasping for anything tonight, as alone as I am
and hungering for a communion that's not to be had
at least not by me
snow is spread over the earth outside my door
like a blanket made to keep the cold in
and it's working
my little heater near the desk glows with a faint orange light
hoping to burn down the house, the trees, and the snow
if I would only let her
I am reminded of a winter not too long ago
when I was l lying naked in bed, wishing for another's skin
to keep away the chill
but there was no other flesh, no other skin
there was only cotton and wool and a space
where your body should have been
and hungering for a communion that's not to be had
at least not by me
snow is spread over the earth outside my door
like a blanket made to keep the cold in
and it's working
my little heater near the desk glows with a faint orange light
hoping to burn down the house, the trees, and the snow
if I would only let her
I am reminded of a winter not too long ago
when I was l lying naked in bed, wishing for another's skin
to keep away the chill
but there was no other flesh, no other skin
there was only cotton and wool and a space
where your body should have been
Thursday, December 05, 2002
I have a sneaking suspicion that my job is going to turn me into a much harder person in some ways.
I have always considered myself to be a compassionate person. I want to shelter and aid those who are having a hard time in life because I know what it's like to feel that there's no farther down you can go. Or I thought I knew what it was like to be there anyway. I've come to realize that the lows of my life were much easier to bear than the lows of a typical patient's life. (Hmmm...but I shouldn't belittle my own lows because it was my perception that I was at the bottom, so that was reality for me.) At any rate, I have been overful with compassion for each and every person that came across my path at work. I have been willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.
And now I guess I'm getting jaded, but with reason. One individual tried to take advantage of my compassion and openmindedness and several have disappointed me. :) I'm a newbie. Bushy tailed, bright-eyed, and hoping to save each and every person that crosses her path. Hoping to make a difference. In this short time that I've officially been a counselor, I've discovered that if I hope too hard I'm going to get hurt...I'm going to be frequently disappointed.
Most of the other counselors are a bit withdrawn. They care, but they don't care too much. But sometimes it seems to me that they don't care enough! :) Many of them have not developed a rapport with their patients and it seems that they don't really intend to even try. Some are only concerned that the proper paperwork is filled out and filed... fuck actually asking, "How are you doing?" and actually caring to listen to the reply.
The counselor that I inheirited most of my charts from seems to have been one of these cold souls. When reviewing absences with a patient today, I discovered that she had just written "pt. was not in attendance due to lack of transportation" after several absences and had never actually asked the patient why he had missed. To some this may seem like no big deal. So she fudged a few things in the chart...what's the problem? The problem in this case is that whenever a patient misses a day of treatment, they are more likely to relapse into drug use than those who attend every day. If a patient is allowed to be absent and no one cares to ask why they were gone, where they were, or what they were doing, the patient will feel that no one is really concerned about them and/or they will feel that they are able to be absent with no consequences. I found myself worridly wondering how much more of the information in the progress notes was fudged to cover the former counselor's ass?
No matter. The real issue at hand here is this: Do I continue to care as much as I have been and do I continue to be as open and trusting? Yeah...I guess I have to be ...because I'd be really disappointed with myself if I behaved otherwise. And that's more hurtful than any disappointment my patients fling at me. I don't want to become cynical, judgemental, and harsh-minded with these people. It's my job to be supportive, caring, yet athoritative when necessary. And I'll do my job to the best of my abilities.
"So then I thought I'd make some plans,
But Fire thought she'd really rather be Water instead."
Cooling ~ Tori Amos
I have always considered myself to be a compassionate person. I want to shelter and aid those who are having a hard time in life because I know what it's like to feel that there's no farther down you can go. Or I thought I knew what it was like to be there anyway. I've come to realize that the lows of my life were much easier to bear than the lows of a typical patient's life. (Hmmm...but I shouldn't belittle my own lows because it was my perception that I was at the bottom, so that was reality for me.) At any rate, I have been overful with compassion for each and every person that came across my path at work. I have been willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.
And now I guess I'm getting jaded, but with reason. One individual tried to take advantage of my compassion and openmindedness and several have disappointed me. :) I'm a newbie. Bushy tailed, bright-eyed, and hoping to save each and every person that crosses her path. Hoping to make a difference. In this short time that I've officially been a counselor, I've discovered that if I hope too hard I'm going to get hurt...I'm going to be frequently disappointed.
Most of the other counselors are a bit withdrawn. They care, but they don't care too much. But sometimes it seems to me that they don't care enough! :) Many of them have not developed a rapport with their patients and it seems that they don't really intend to even try. Some are only concerned that the proper paperwork is filled out and filed... fuck actually asking, "How are you doing?" and actually caring to listen to the reply.
The counselor that I inheirited most of my charts from seems to have been one of these cold souls. When reviewing absences with a patient today, I discovered that she had just written "pt. was not in attendance due to lack of transportation" after several absences and had never actually asked the patient why he had missed. To some this may seem like no big deal. So she fudged a few things in the chart...what's the problem? The problem in this case is that whenever a patient misses a day of treatment, they are more likely to relapse into drug use than those who attend every day. If a patient is allowed to be absent and no one cares to ask why they were gone, where they were, or what they were doing, the patient will feel that no one is really concerned about them and/or they will feel that they are able to be absent with no consequences. I found myself worridly wondering how much more of the information in the progress notes was fudged to cover the former counselor's ass?
No matter. The real issue at hand here is this: Do I continue to care as much as I have been and do I continue to be as open and trusting? Yeah...I guess I have to be ...because I'd be really disappointed with myself if I behaved otherwise. And that's more hurtful than any disappointment my patients fling at me. I don't want to become cynical, judgemental, and harsh-minded with these people. It's my job to be supportive, caring, yet athoritative when necessary. And I'll do my job to the best of my abilities.
"So then I thought I'd make some plans,
But Fire thought she'd really rather be Water instead."
Cooling ~ Tori Amos
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
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