This living alone stuff is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Ben and I went and worked out at the Nautilus yesterday afternoon. After that we grabbed a healthy Subway dinner and went shopping at Kmart. (I needed knives. Never know when you're going to need a good sharp knife to chop someone...um...er...something up.) (I bought the 14 piece Martha Stewart knife set. When has Martha ever steered me wrong in the past?)

Anyway, after Kmart we said our goodbyes and went on with our individual evenings. I came home and worked at cleaning the living room. And god was I lonely. It's hard to adjust to total silence when you're used to hearing the constant clicking of the computer keyboard. I do miss Ben...but I know that this decision that we made is the best one for both of us. We need to grow as individuals for a while. After we resolve the conflicts within ourselves maybe we can piece back our relationship. Maybe.

I'm not unwell...I'm just fucking crazy.

I hate PMSing. I'm at the stage right now where I'm having violent mood swings. I recognize that it's happening but I have no power to control it. One second I'm laughing and having fun and the next I'm crying and yelling at Ben and the next I'm laughing maniacally. I miss sanity.

The high stress of the events of this weekend most certainly aided in weakening my mental stability. Ben moved his stuff out on Saturday with the help of Shawn and Chris. We all then drove down to HInton and spent the night with Burnsy. Sunday morning we yanked our collective ass out of bed to go whitewater rafting on the Upper and Lower New River. That was exciting and terrifying all at once. More excitement this trip than last and not as cold. But still a little cold. Our guide flipped our raft on purpose on a Class 2 rapid. Ben and Shawn kept trying to fall out of the boat. I guess they didn't like it there.

Ben says we need to go to Taco Bell. Mmmm...Chicken Enchilada Bowl.

I saw the Matrix Reloaded yesterday with Ben and my coworkers. Overall I enjoyed it. The beginning of the film was mostly special effects with a little bit of plot. The fight scenes with Neo at the start hold no suspense. He pretty much whips 'em silly and fucks 'em stupid. There's a pretty pointless sex scene with Neo and Trinity while all the other people at Zion are attending a sort of tribal rave/dance party. The last 20 minutes of the film actually gets pretty exciting and just when it gets really interesting..."To Be Continued". Now we only have 6 months to wait to figure out what happens.

As many of you know, Ben and I have had a very turbulent relationship. Recently I have been doubting whether or not we should continue and expressed this to him. After many hours of discussion, arguing, agony, crying, and holding one another we've decided to start dating again. We're going to seperate...Ben is going to move out and we're going to try to start over in the relationship. If we are successful at rebuilding the damaged parts, we'll eventually move back in together. If we are unsuccessful, it will be easier to let go and remain friends because we won't be dealing with the pressures of living under the same roof.

Ben, we have been through hell and back. You have been my constant companion and lover. You are my best friend and I never want to lose that. Your touch in my life has helped make me the woman that I am. For the first time in a long time I have hope for us. :) I love you. Thank you for loving me.

I'm so tired. And depressed. And my throat hurts again.

I'm just going to go to sleep now. Bye.

Sometimes I think that I'd like to fade. To disappear just a little. And silently watch everything going on around me. To watch everyone living and being as they are with themselves. To watch the day unfold like it does whether anyone is watching or not.

I'm three shots of vodka into the drinking and holding. The good news is that my tongue doesn't hurt anymore....the bad news is that the left side of my throat still hurts a bit. I really need to get some rest.

I watched my niece this morning. Everytime I'm with her she wins me over more and more. You've never witnessed anything as beautiful as a growing and unfolding life.

I saw a lady in the theater tody that had gone to watch X-Men alone. She sat in the very upper right hand corner of the theater. As I noticed her I felt a sort of pity for her. There I was surrounded by my friends and she was all alone and I thought, "How sad she must be!" And then I realized that she may very well be content with her situation and it was presumptuous of me to assume that she was miserable. A person alone can be complete and totally happy. A person surrounded by others can feel totally desolate and alone. A smile doesn't indicate happiness and vice versa. Never jump to conclusions. Never assume anything.

Ben, Ken, Shawn, Chris (Ken's bro), and I saw the second X-Men movie today. It was pretty fucking groovy. Kinda lost a little momentum there at the end but overall it was a good flick. Magneto was awesome. I'll agree with Ben that Mystique was developed a bit more in this movie and she's a pretty bad ass character. Nightcrawler kicked much ass. And Wolverine is stil as sexy and as aggressive as ever. I was impressed with Jean Gray's character this time and look forward to seeing what becomes of her in the next film. :)

I forgot to mention yesterday the fact that I had strep throat a week ago. I went to the doctor and got 7 days worth of antibiotics and I was doing well...until today. For whatever reason I still have blisters or bumps on the back of my tongue and my throat just started really hurting again today.

So tonight I decided to take shots of vodka. That always helps when you're sick, right? So far I've had three. Ken, Shawn, Ben, and Janice are upstairs drinking and watching Jackass the Movie. I think we're going to play Scrabble later. I'm sure I'll pass out in about a half hour because I got up at 3am to go to work. (when I didn't have to, of course.) So much for my grand plans of going to the club and chilling with my coworkers.

Maybe next life.

I've been a little less faithful in my posting lately due to a lack of anything amusing or interesting happening in my life. It's pretty dull these days really. I get up...go to work...come home...eat dinner...clean or do chores and then fall into the oblivion of sleep. Day after day after day.

Sometimes fun things happen at work. Like this last week I had CPR and First Aid training. I am now certified and have the ability to save someone's life if they go unconscious or stop breathing....maybe. I say maybe because it was a rather rushed class and the instructor didn't much seem to care if everyone was doing everything right or not. I was actually interested in learning this stuff so I actually paid attention...but others just slept. And their performance with the dummies showed it. So sad, really.

Anyway, fun things....um....oh yeah. As I walked up to the dummie to take my turn my earring fell out of my ear and into the dummie's open mouth. My instructor said, "We haven't gotten to the choking portion of your training yet!" My he felt very clever after that comment. Good for him.

Whenever anything interesting happens in my personal life it's usually a bad something. Like my mother's recent galbladder attack, or Ben's mother's recent low blood pressure episode, or mine and Ben's recent relationship issues. It happens that our mothers are fine and we're doing okay. Endless excitement.

But I suppose everything that happens in my personal life isn't bad. For instance I met my sister's love interest, Chriss from Boston. Chriss seems like a very intelligent and responsible individual. He's very focused on earning money right now, but that's not a bad thing, I suppose, as long as it doesn't rule his life forever. He said he was trying to make enough money so that he can buy enough real estate and eventually live off of the money he earns from rent. A good plan, I'd say. He took us out to dinner at The Chop House, which is one of the most expensive restaurants in the city, and that was fun. I understand that he currently makes about $120,000 per year at the young age of 26 working as an engineer for the US Navy. I didn't feel too bad about letting him pay for my meal. He treated my sister with affection and respect and that's more important to me than his bank roll. I want her not only to be financially secure but also to be happy. And she is happy with him. He makes her glow...and I like that. :)

My sis drove in in her new C230 Mercedes Benz Kompressor and I got to drive it. It was awesome! It memorizes your driving patterns and learns to apply extra pressure to the breaks when you need it and it corrects itself if you swerve suddenly. There's no way she should be able to wreck that car. And if she does it has 8 air bags so I think she'll survive. The stereo system had like 8 Bose speakers and a 5 disc CD changer. The computer stores all sorts of neat and useful statistics about your driving and your car's performance. Really groovy stuff. :) I learned that a Mercedes Benz may be a very expensive car, but there's a reason for that. :)

Other good stuff...my friends are in this weekend and we're going to see the second X-Men movie! Wooohooo! I'm also going to see if they're up for going to Atlantis Night club tomorrow night. Some of my boyz from work are going to be there and I wouldn't mind hanging with them for a bit...and I wouldn't mind grooving on the dance floor. It's been far too fucking long since I've danced.

I plan on describing all the fun of this weekend in detail. Until then let these words be your mantra:

I've got no strings to hold me down
To make me fret or make me frown
I had strings but now I'm free
There are no strings on me

from the Disney Movie Pinocchio

I worked at the clinic in Beckley a couple of weeks ago, which only has female counselors. I did not belong. And I did not belong because there is no cursing at the Beckley clinic.

I was in the chart room in the morning and I dropped a chart that I was holding and softly said, "Shit!" and I was met with wide eyes and gasping. I thought to myself, "Oh fuck." So I spent the rest of the day not cursing and growing more and more irritable. At the end of the day I got in my car and let out a string of non-sensical obscenities. God, did that ever feel good. :)

I learned a valuable lesson that day: Cursing has a place in my life. A few months ago I was trying to cut back on the nasty words because I thought that it wasn't very attractive for a woman to have a mouth worse than that of any typical trucker. But, hell, who am I trying to attract? Fuck it, I say. Fuck it right in it's ear.

I had an hour session today with one of my patients. He's usually very quiet but always seemed sort of aggravated underneath his pleasant demeanor. At first I thought that he was simply uncomfortable with me, but then decided that it had to run deeper than that. So today I asked him why he seemed faintly irritated under the surface all of the time. We started exploring this supressed anger and found that it led back to himself, of course, and surprisingly enough, to his wife. The patient shared things with me today that he had never before verbalized or shared with anyone else. It was a very successful session and well worth that hour of my time. As he was leaving he turned back and he thanked me. The look of appreciation in his eyes was very rewarding. Anyway...I think I'm getting better at my job.

Every day I'm learning more and more from my job and my patients. What I'm realizing now is that people often look outside themselves for something to make them happy. My patients tried to find happiness though drugs. Some people use work, sex, relationships, food, alcohol, video games, movies, etc. But happiness can't be through any outside source. I realize that I can only find happiness in and from myself. No one and nothing else can do that for me. I must make peace with myself, learn to love myself, and learn to live in the moment and enjoy now as it's happening to me. External things such as relationships, food, sex, etc. can compliment my happiness and add pleasure to my existence, but they cannot bring me happiness.

sometimes I wonder if I am
or if I am was lingering

and the new has now come to distract me
for only this moment?
or will I be taken again into years of wondering
and wandering

I am learning to fear the moment
if it only lives in the moment
and never beyond

and never beyond

I've had a very restful weekend. Spent the whole time at my folk's home in Eccles alternating periods of sleeping, eating, and reading The Sound and The Fury by William Faulkner. Great book! Beautiful imagery and I love the stream of consciousness writing and the way he plays with words!

We watched Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. The first half was fairly interesting...the second half sucked shit.

I just watched Amelie with Ben. A fantastic and whimsical movie! I'll own this one. :)

And how is Christina at this moment, while she's waiting for the laundry to dry so that she can go to bed?

Maintenant...je suis contente. (Right now, I am content.)

Dose she love me? Dose she love me not?

Whenever a patient is absent for more than three consecutive days, it's policy to call and see why they've been absent and if they intend to return to treatment. Today I decided to do my weekly callling of absent patients. Now one of my patients, who I will refer to hereafter as Bob, has been absent for 7 days and I couldn't get hold of him when I tried to call last week, so I dialed his number again today. Here's a summary of that conversation:

Ring, ring
B: Hello?
C: Hi, Bob? It's Chris Garris.
B: I'll be damned! Chris.
C: I'm just calling to check up on you. Why haven't you been to the clinic?
B: Do you want to know the truth, Chris?
C: Yes, please.
B: I faked my admission into the clinic. I am not and never have been addicted to Oxycontin. I bought a couple and took them the day before I came to the clinic just so
they would show up in my system. I'm an alcoholic. I just wanted to see if methadone would give me a cheap buzz. It didn't so I decided to quit before I got addicted to
it.
C: Well...I don't quite know what to say. You're a very convincing liar. And while I'm glad that you're not addicted to Oxycontin, I'm shocked and disappointed that you
would do such a thing.
B: Chris?
C: Yes?
B: You know, you didn't call because it's policy or procedure.
C: I didn't?
B: No. You called because you're in love with me. And you just don't know it yet.
C: Um...Bob...I'm afraid you've got the wrong idea. First of all, the patient/counselor relationship boundaries disallow any type of outside relationship between a patient at
this clinic and a counselor. Even simple friendship. Secondly, I'm in a long term relationship. And, sorry, I'm not in love with you.
B: Well, that's because you haven't gotten a chance to really know me as a person. Just give me one date. Meet me at Chilli's tomorrow and we'll hit the bar and talk.
C: No. I'm very flattered, but no.
B: Come on. Just one date. Just meet me at Chilli's tomorrow after you get off of work.
C: I'm sorry, Bob, no.
B: Can I call you tomorrow at work?
C: You can call me, but I'll only be able to talk to you if you wish to discuss your treatment.
B: Then I'll call you tomorrow and the next day and the next day until you decide to talk to me about us.
C: This conversation is inappropriate and I'm ending it now.
Click

So...I think I might get stalked or something within the next couple of weeks. Exciting, eh? I reported this to my supervisor and to the program director and documented it in the patient's chart. They said that if he returns to treatment, they'll transfer him to another counselor. Probably Terrance, our big, tough, black dude. :)

While this whole situation is somewhat funny it is also a little frightening. Bob was a wee bit too insistant and a wee bit too intense for my liking. I found that I was apprehensive every time there was a phone call for me for the rest of the day. Oh well, I'll just shake it off, watch my back, and trust my male counselors to protect me.

I think that I might have some serious issues.

I had a dream the other night that I was driving down the road alone, the sun was shining, and I was grooving to the radio. Suddenly that annoying high pitched squealing/static noise of the Emergency Broadcast System interrupts By the Way by the Chilli Peppers and I listen as the announcer explains that Iraq has released a strange virus in the U.S. and starts describing signs to watch for, etc. One thing that was mentioned to look for was dead rodents.

I kept driving and then I started noticing dead squirrels hanging from the power lines. I just thought, Hmmm...that's strange, and kept driving. A few minutes later I stop at an intersection and look out of the window while waiting for the light to change and I see a pool of blood on the sidewalk. My gaze shifts upward and I find a grown man, clad in a white longsleeve button-up shirt, dress pants and shoes, and a tie, tangled up in the power lines and dripping blood on the ground. The light turns green and I drive onward only to find 4 more males dressed in business attire, a couple with their brief cases and cell phones still clutched in their hands, all tangled up and dangling from the power lines and dripping blood on to the ground.

And I just kept driving.

Wow. I was fucking blitzed the last time I blogged. What's all that shit about life being beautiful? Yeah...that was the alcohol talking.

Anyway, I just wanted to let all of you people know that I'm not dead...yet. The clinic I work at is doing remodeling and recarpeting and the building has been open until 8pm every night. So, of course, I've been staying till at least 5pm every night. There's something warm and fuzzy about working 4 hours overtime every day and not getting paid for it. Wooohooo! Yes, I realize that am a dumbass for working like this. The first step to recovery is recognizing that you have a problem.

It's just the fact that I have 67 patients and there's so much shit to keep track of, so many people to see, and so much paperwork to write up and file! Ben's getting concerned about me exhausting myself and I understand his concern and appreciate it. He's right, I cannot continue to work like this and maintain any type of sanity or healthy lifestyle. The past couple weeks all I've had energy to do is come home, eat something fast and unhealthy, and then fall into bed. My co-workers have even expressed their concerns. Kevin, Joey, and Bruce keep trying to convince me that I'm never going to get caught up. Eric and Sara just shakes their heads at me every evening as their heading out the door. One of the nurses, Dottie, asked my why I was at work every damn Saturday when I only have to work one Saturday per month. Yes, I realize that I have a problem. I truly could be on the path to becoming a work-a-holic. Luckily the new Program Director announced that she will be leaving the building at 2:30pm every day and that all counselors are to be out of the building by that time also. So worst case scenario I can still be working 5 hours of overtime per week (with no pay) but that's better than working 10 or more, right? :)

Truly, I need to get my head on straight in this area or I'm going to screw myself in others. Since I've been working all of this overtime, I've gained 4lbs back that I had lost. Not good! I haven't had the time nor energy to work out and I never got back with that guy about taking guitar lessons. And I'm sort of losing touch with my friends because I hadn't checked my email all week until today! :) I need to refocus. Breathe in....breathe out...breathe in...breathe out...turn in a circle...you are the center of the universe...you are the center.

I did, however, get suckered into going up to the center that just opened in Beckley Tuesday of this next week to help with intakes. I don't remember exactly how it happened. Tanya (the new P.D.) was saying something about one of our counselors not driving up to Beckley to help with new admissions after next week...she asked if my parents still lived in that area and I said that they did...the next thing I know I said that I would go up on Tuesday to check it out to see if I liked it. She's hoping that I do like it so that I can work there for her on Tuesdays and Thursdays for the next month or so. We have alot of people who live closer to Beckley and who want to transfer...but we can only send as many transfers as they have counselors to do the paperwork. If we lend them counselors then the transfers happen faster and our caseloads go down faster. (Hypothetically. In reality, our intake numbers seem to have increased.)

I realize that I'm tired and that last little paragraph may not have made much sense. But I understand it so it's okay.

I'll leave you with some random thoughts:

I ate too much pizza this evening and my belly is bloated like I have a shit weasel or something growing in there!!! I watched Super Troopers and laughed and giggled. My boyfriend plays alot of computer games on my computer. I think I might be developing allergies 'cause I have a runny nose. At the times when we think we have things mostly figured out in life, something unexpected and confusing will come along to fuck up our peace of mind. My Christmas tree is still up. Sometimes I think about my friends and my family and I love them so much that it hurts right in the center of my chest. How often are we actually aware of experiencing and feeling love for someone? Have you ever stopped and watched yourself feel that way and really enjoyed it? Been awed by the beauty of human emotion? (You should try it sometime. It's kinda fun.) The day before yesterday the sky was a perfectly beautiful shade of blue. I took a moment and walked out on the back steps at work (since my office is right next to the back door) and savored the color of the sky, the green of the trees, and the bright, bursting yellow flowers on a bush just up the hillside. A strong March breeze was blowing my hair away from my face and I could hear the windchimes from the house just up the hill jangling in the wind. I turned my face up to the sun for a moment and closed my eyes and felt happy. I like the wind.

So here I am...drunk again! This is becoming an uncomfortable trend. :)

I just watched American Beauty again. And I cried like a baby at the end when Kevin Spacey's character when dies. So much...so much beauty in the world. And sometimes it truly does hurt to see it all. And sometimes we look forever and can never see it.

Today at work I was talking to a co-worker about the war. I told her that is was no use to worry about the future as we can't change it. We just have to take it as it comes and live life as we have it and love every moment that we have. If I were to die tomorrow...well...I've had a good run. I had a wonderful childhood...wonderful parents and siblings. I've had good friends that would do anything for me. I've been a good friend. I've been a good sister, a good daughter, a good granddaughter, a good employee, a good student, a good girlfriend, a good lover. :) I could die knowing that my life has not been a waste that and that I've had a good time and learned alot during my time.

Sometimes it does hurt when you ponder how much beauty there is in the world. And how much sorrow. And how much they're mingled together.

Maybe it's just the pinot grigio talking. :) Goodnight.

I have a picture of a woman exposing her boobies set as my background. And I have a hangover. The world was spinning when I opened my eyes at 9:30 this morning. So I decided to lay right where I was until 10am. Then the overwhelming desire to urinate won and I was forced to stumble to the bathroom.

I don't think that I put this boobie picture on my desktop, but I'm not sure. I don't remember much after Ken and Ben and I started prank calling people. I don't remember going downstairs last night. I don't remember taking my clothes off, which I must have because I woke up wearing a nightshirt thingie. I don't remember if Ben and I had sex. I just switched birth control pills and it's 7 days until they're effective so we better have used a condom. If I get pregnant over this shit I'm going to be pissed as hell. Anyway, I'm pretty sure we would have used one...maybe. Fuck. :(

Things I do remember....All three of us crawled in that little closet in my living room and Ben and Ken made the stuffed animals in there do sexual things to each other. I lost interest after a few minutes and came out and tried to read The Preacher for a bit, but I had trouble focusing on the words...and figuring out which comic block/bubble I was supposed to read next. Who would think that alcohol makes it hard to concentrate? I remember that we ate alot of potato chips and dip. I remember talking to Shawn and he was also drunk. Drinking alone last night...poor, poor bastard. I remember talking to Chris and telling him that Top Gun was a fucking stupid movie...which it sort of is and sort of isn't at the same time. Ben and Ken called Mary and possibly woke her up at 1:30am. We called Pat but he wasn't home. He called us back at 4am and called us a bunch of pussies on the answering machine because we'd all already passed out.

Well I'm pretty munchie right now...and very dehydrated. Ben and Ken are calling for us to go to Tudor's Biscuit World. Nothing like eating greasy ass breakfast foods when you're feeling a little woozie. :)

All this fun from 3 and 1/2 Miami Ice Teas.

Yes...I realize that I spelled the word "boobies" as "bobbies" when I posted last. I didn't mean to do it...and that's why it's funny...and that's why I'm NOT changing it. :)

Let's see...what's new? Well I'm carrying a case load of 66 patients at work, about 30 of which I see weekly. The rest I'm required to see either bi-weekly or monthly. Stressful. They've also decided to update our treatment plans so I have to learn a whole new tx plan system. The excitement never ends. Today is the 4th Saturday in a row that I've worked. I had to work last Saturday, however today and the other Saturdays I was supposed to be at home snoozing. I, however, feel this strange need to get my patient's paperwork turned in on time so that they can properly be taken care of. I've GOT to stop caring so much. I'm exhausted.

I was thinking yesterday about the impact of names of a person's personality. I work with a girl named Sara Buzzard. When I first came to the clinic and walked down the hall past her door and read that name, I instantly imagined her with dark hair and being a sort of brooding person that only wears black and such. It turns out that my guess wasn't very far from the truth. Honestly, Sara Buzzard reminds me very much of Wednesday Adams. She has very dark plainly styled hair, bright blue eyes, very pale skin, she's a tad on the fleshy side, and wears black often. She doesn't show much emotion when she speaks to people. When emotion is shown it's either annoyance or sarcasm. And so I wonder, is her behavior related to her last name and her perception of and association of that name with the idea of a vulture? Possible. Hmmm...an idea for future research.

I walked into the chart room several weeks ago and heard a muffled little girl's voice saying "Die, die, die!" over and over again. I looked around and found Sara sitting in the back of the room filing paperwork. I stopped, sort of spooked, and asked her in a hushed voice, "Did you hear that?" She stopped filing to listen and the voice stopped. She gave me an odd look and said that she didn't hear anything and then went back to filing. A second later the voice started chanting "Die, die, die" again. I looked at her to make sure that she wasn't making the noise and she was not moving her mouth...and it seemed to be coming from the next row of charts. I looked down the aisle but nothing was there. At this point I was a little freaked out. Then Kevin walked in the room and I grabbed his arm and said, "Can you hear that?" He laughed and then said, "What?" with a knowing smirk on his face and just got a chart and left. At this point Sara started laughing and the little girl's voice stopped chanting. She confessed that she's able to throw her voice, but she can only say the word "joy" over and over again. The only problem is that it sounds like the word "die" when she says it. She scared the shit out of me. I thought I was losing my bloody mind. :)

Hmmm...saw The Ring last week. I felt very compelled to copy the DVD and send the copy to some random person in the mail. :) I will agree with the majority that it was pretty good for a scary flick. It creeped me out, anyway. That night I saw the little girl, Samara, in my dream. And then I sort of woke up...the dream and reality sort of faded together and I thought I saw her standing in my bedroom doorway. Fucking creepy as hell. I closed my eyes and started praying and then opened them. Of course, the image had faded, but it scared the shit out of me. I hate my fucked up brain sometimes.




.

Wet Boobie Syndrome

I fell into oblivion at 6pm....alas, I did not reach my dream of seeing little blue men beheading tangarine colored bunnies.

Ben didn't have his door key so I awoke, very bewildered, to the sound of the doorbell repeatedly dinging. I ran up the stairs, threw open the door, and just stared dumbly as Ben came in and sat down his backpack and jacket. I then followed him upstairs thinking that a nice glass of water and some food would be a good idea.

Being as sleepy as I am...and being who I am...my coordination was, needless to say, not at it's peak. The first drink I attempted to take from the glass of water found it's way down my shirt rather than into my parched mouth. There was a sudden inhalation of air as the cold water washed down over my bossom.

So I'm suffering from wet boobie syndrome for which no one has found one tried and true cure. I'm tired, and lonely, and so confused. Please help me...please. I'm going to cuddle in front of my heater until my bobbies dry and then I'm going to bed.